Feeling no support from my husband at all...

Jo Dirt · Oct 15, 2006

If we didn't have kids, I know we would have split up a long time ago. We were on the verge of splitting up when I got pregnant. CG

Are we twins or what? I have made this EXACT same statement time and again, and it is the truth. I was getting ready to leave him, went to the doctor a day later and found out I was pregnant. That changed everything. Now there are three of them. He would have fought me to the death to have those kids, and I would do the same, so we have been together 11 yrs....with the exception of the video games and laziness (even though he is not lazy he rarely brings in any money).

I guess it is comforting to know I'm not the Lone Ranger. I think I know exactly how you feel.

imenid37 · Oct 15, 2006

He needs to grow up, but you do too. Stop enabling him! I have been married to a very self-absorbed guy for almost 20 years. There is stuff I will look the other way for and stuff I won't put up with. I feel for you, but I know it is a rough go. I have learned many unhappy lessons over the years. I do not give my hubby access to my paycheck because he is a poor handler of money. The flip side of that is that I do not have access to his. He does have a good job and a good income but spends foolishly and doles out money to other irresponsible relatives/friends sometimes to the detriment of our family. If we had a joint account, we would have divorced years ago. Best of luck to you!

KCIN · Oct 15, 2006

Hi. I am feeling overwhelmed to say the least. I'm working 24 hours per week as an RN, I'm going to school full time and have soooooooooo much homework every minute of the day and night, and I am the only one who is paying any of our bills, including the mortgage. We just bought a new house (our first house I mean) a few months ago, which I didn't even think we could afford, but my husband said he really thinks we should because we are wasting money living in an apt. I kept saying for a while, I don't know, I don't think we can afford it, but then we sat down and said, ok, this is how much I bring home per month with my RN job (me) and this is how much you bring home with your tennis teaching job (him). Then we realized we could do it. So we bought our house. Then I got accepted to grad school at the same time, and started classes last month. I think I was so caught up in everything that I never even realized until recently that somehow since we had that talk, Dan decided on his own that he didn't want to teach tennis anymore. He was just going to focus on his real estate job that he has been doing for a couple of years. Did I mention that he's made NEXT TO NOTHING in this real estate job, despite changing companies several times, getting a mentor, going to classes, etc....?!?!?! Plus he has NO BENEFITS at all with this real estate job. Which means I am now paying (and I am barely doing it with 24 hours per week) ALL OF OUR BILLS. Plus, I can't even cut back to per diem and work fewer hours to focus more on school (which is what I wish I could do, but know I cannot) because not only is he not making any money, but I have to keep 24 hours per week because I carry the medical and dental for both me and him. I could take the school's health insurance plan (if by some miracle I could go per diem) but I really couldn't do that because he has diabetes and wears an insulin pump and my school's skimpy health insurance plan would be fine for me, but horrible for him and WHAT HE NEEDS. Do you see where I am going with this? I feel like I am in this all by myself with no support from him. So I told him how I felt, and that we agreed we would both work our respective jobs (RN, tennis teacher) so we could pay the bills. I told him that was what we promised each other as husband and wife. I said how I WISHED I didn't have to work as an RN 24 hours a week, because going to grad school full time and studying on top of that is really killing me...not to mention what he is doing or not doing to me and us. I said why then is it fair for him to quit the one job of this that he making money on a regular basis, and forcing me to tak e on everything...and I can just barely do it...money-wise and sanity-wise. It is not fair. Then he says to me "Well, I'm going to make money in real estate. I have listings now. It'll happen soon." But it's not!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really isn't!!!!! I told him he wasn't being realistic and that "maybe soon" does not in fact pay any of our bills right now!!!!! I said he needs to teach X amount of hours per week of tennis, which is what we agreed on anyways, and he said no, he didn't want to and why should he?!!?!?!! I told him I was miserable because I am sooooo stressed out and cannot possibly do everything myself (most of the time I have to hold his hands to get him to clean/take care of the house) and that I am crying all the time, and just not happy. He said he was sorry I was feeling that way. not in a nice way, he was and still is giving me so much attitude. And he is not being fair AT ALL. Then he said fine, I'll teach tennis,m but not because I want to, only because YOU told me to.!!!!! How do I deserve this kind of talk/attutude after all my sacraficing and putting his needs before my own for so long?!?!! So I went and saw a counselor at school, felt a tiny bit better, but still have this huge problem with him. I told him we need to see a marriage counselor, he said he would go, but honestly, I am so mad and angry and bitter and resentful of him right now, I cannot even stand him. Please tell me what you think. Is this a common problem? Has it happened to any of you? We've been married for only 2 years but I feel like it's not worth it if I am the only one who is compromising, and he can't even do something basic and simple and I am so mad and upset right now!!!!

WHY CANT THIS DUDE GO TO NURSING SCHOOL?

Cynthia_S · Oct 19, 2006

Cynthia_S · Oct 19, 2006

WHY CANT THIS DUDE GO TO NURSING SCHOOL?

LMAO :chuckle

LydiaNN · Oct 19, 2006

Skittlez: do you mean you got angry at me because you think I should've stood up for myself? Cuz I honestly am. I really do stand up for myself. Unfortunately, this is all really, really getting to me and it's making me somewhat depressed and I'm crying all the time now because it's getting to me. It sounds like you can relate to my situation? I forgot to add something that happened last night. He said he was thinking about it and realized he was being defensive about his job and that he did know I was paying for everything and that he needs to be teaching tennis some of the time so he can pay for our bills too. But I am not going to be so quick to say that everything is all fine and rosy, I'm going to see if he really means it and see what he actually does now. So far he did teach a couple hours yesterday and he said he is working on getting more hours. So I will have to wait and see if he really means it. Again, he says he sees that he was wrong, but he has said this before about other things, and then when everything calms down, he goes back to how he was before. But I will give him a chance to prove me wrong. He really is a good guy but he was pretty much spoiled growing up and did not have to do a thing around his house...and he lived with his parents until we were married and never paid any of the bills then. So he had better change now, because i am really running out of patience and chances. And I am happy to be in our house now. I really do love it and want to keep it. I just think he and I should both be working to pay it, and he needed to snap out of his bubble and see that real estate is not something he can depend on to pay bills. His lack of reality was making me see him as a child and not even a real man. Thank you for letting me vent. I hope this works out, but I have to say that I am still feeling angry and resentful that he would even put me in this situation in the first place.

How could he not know you are paying all of the bills? Did he think the bill fairy was flying the bank at night and depositing money in your account? I'm sorry, but I would have no patience with his behavior at all (probably owing to my lack of patience in general, but in this case, it would be warranted). I don't really have any advice, since it doesn't seem like you're ready to tell him to get a job or get his butt out of YOUR house, but I do wish you well.

Multicollinearity, BSN, RN · Oct 20, 2006

Said it on other threads, i'll say it here too:
As a kid whose parents got married and stayed married for 7 years for my "sake", they didn't fool me. I knew something wasn't right, and i would have been much happier had they gotten divorced soon as they realized it wasn't going to work, or heck, never got married. I was probably the only 7 year old who did a cartwheel when i found out my parents were spliting up.

My parents told me they were divorcing when I was about 11. I do recall saying emphatically, "IT'S ABOUT TIME, YOU TWO HAVE MADE ME MISERABLE FOR YEARS!!!"

On a different note. We tend to hear about how bad divorce is all the time. I beg to differ. It can be a wonderful and necessary thing. We have choices. A lifetime of misery and/or abuse is not mandatory now. I also think the religious counseling and dogma just tends to drag the misery out for a few more years before the eventual divorce.

To the OP: I don't think your husband will change. The question is this - how much pain is enough? How many years? And I'd ask yourself this: if he never changes (because he probably won't fundamentally change) is it good enough? Would you die an old woman and be glad you spent your life with him as he is now?

wildmountainchild · Oct 26, 2006

So you might know the other side.........

My husband is so supportive of me and my dreams that I almost cry when I think about it. He is fully supporting me now as I go through an entry level MSN-FNP program. We can't live together b/c my school is far away from where he works but he's put me up in my own little apartment and pays all the bills as well as the staggering tuition.

My ONLY job is to do well in school. He is the hardest working man I've ever known, and the most honest. When we do get to see each other he does all the cooking, cleaning, and dishes b/c he knows I have to study.

We talk every day, multiple times, and rarely if ever really fight. We "discuss". We communicate well and genuinely enjoy each others company. We laugh often. I would say our time together has been 90% happy.

Occassionally he stresses about money but we just focus on the future and the money I'll bring in then.

We've been married two years and things are only getting better between us. We get closer all the time it seems. He is a true partner, he makes me a better human being and, amazingly, he feels I do the same for him. I feel blessed and lucky beyond all belief. I'm crying as I write this.

You DESERVE what I have. Your husband is not going to change and unfortunately love is just not enough. I went through many frogs before I found my prince.....don't be afraid to move on to the next lilly pad. Don't waste years of your life for someone when you could have a man like my husband (they do exist!). But your husband will never change into the type of man my husband is (at least it's very unlikely and will take many years of self reflection and internal growth on his part).

Cut your losses and find your happiness.