Feeling no support from my husband at all...

[christvs]

Hi. I am feeling overwhelmed to say the least. I'm working 24 hours per week as an RN, I'm going to school full time and have soooooooooo much homework every minute of the day and night, and I am the only one who is paying any of our bills, including the mortgage. We just bought a new house (our first house I mean) a few months ago, which I didn't even think we could afford, but my husband said he really thinks we should because we are wasting money living in an apt. I kept saying for a while, I don't know, I don't think we can afford it, but then we sat down and said, ok, this is how much I bring home per month with my RN job (me) and this is how much you bring home with your tennis teaching job (him). Then we realized we could do it. So we bought our house. Then I got accepted to grad school at the same time, and started classes last month. I think I was so caught up in everything that I never even realized until recently that somehow since we had that talk, Dan decided on his own that he didn't want to teach tennis anymore. He was just going to focus on his real estate job that he has been doing for a couple of years. Did I mention that he's made NEXT TO NOTHING in this real estate job, despite changing companies several times, getting a mentor, going to classes, etc....?!?!?! Plus he has NO BENEFITS at all with this real estate job. Which means I am now paying (and I am barely doing it with 24 hours per week) ALL OF OUR BILLS. Plus, I can't even cut back to per diem and work fewer hours to focus more on school (which is what I wish I could do, but know I cannot) because not only is he not making any money, but I have to keep 24 hours per week because I carry the medical and dental for both me and him. I could take the school's health insurance plan (if by some miracle I could go per diem) but I really couldn't do that because he has diabetes and wears an insulin pump and my school's skimpy health insurance plan would be fine for me, but horrible for him and WHAT HE NEEDS. Do you see where I am going with this? I feel like I am in this all by myself with no support from him. So I told him how I felt, and that we agreed we would both work our respective jobs (RN, tennis teacher) so we could pay the bills. I told him that was what we promised each other as husband and wife. I said how I WISHED I didn't have to work as an RN 24 hours a week, because going to grad school full time and studying on top of that is really killing me...not to mention what he is doing or not doing to me and us. I said why then is it fair for him to quit the one job of this that he making money on a regular basis, and forcing me to tak e on everything...and I can just barely do it...money-wise and sanity-wise. It is not fair. Then he says to me "Well, I'm going to make money in real estate. I have listings now. It'll happen soon." But it's not!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really isn't!!!!! I told him he wasn't being realistic and that "maybe soon" does not in fact pay any of our bills right now!!!!! I said he needs to teach X amount of hours per week of tennis, which is what we agreed on anyways, and he said no, he didn't want to and why should he?!!?!?!! I told him I was miserable because I am sooooo stressed out and cannot possibly do everything myself (most of the time I have to hold his hands to get him to clean/take care of the house) and that I am crying all the time, and just not happy. He said he was sorry I was feeling that way. not in a nice way, he was and still is giving me so much attitude. And he is not being fair AT ALL. Then he said fine, I'll teach tennis,m but not because I want to, only because YOU told me to.!!!!! How do I deserve this kind of talk/attutude after all my sacraficing and putting his needs before my own for so long?!?!! So I went and saw a counselor at school, felt a tiny bit better, but still have this huge problem with him. I told him we need to see a marriage counselor, he said he would go, but honestly, I am so mad and angry and bitter and resentful of him right now, I cannot even stand him. Please tell me what you think. Is this a common problem? Has it happened to any of you? We've been married for only 2 years but I feel like it's not worth it if I am the only one who is compromising, and he can't even do something basic and simple and I am so mad and upset right now!!!!

[Lisa CCU RN, RN]

Hey come on guys - there are happy marriages out there where the partners support each other! Not every marriage is unhappy. Hubby and I Have been married for over 26 years now, have two kids, did the career military thing (read moved every 2 years for 20 years), have had much stress along the way. Yet there is no one else I'd rather wake up with.

He is very supportive. I went back to school for 4 years from 1990 to 1994 for my LPN and ADN and just finished another 3 1/2 year stretch (2002-2006) for my BSN, MSN and post-MSN certificate. Not fun, but doable.

Wow. It must be nice. I can't imagine having a GOOD husband at this point.

Can you tell I'm bitter? :(

[Lisa CCU RN, RN]

Thank you for responding everyone. I really do appreciate it. Unfortunately, I am still not doing well, because my stomach/abdomen has been bothering me for a while now and I finally had it checked out. Turns out I have gastritis. I am sure the stress was a major contributor to it. I am taking pepcid for it, and am making sure I just eat bland foods for a while so I don't further irritate my poor stomach. My husband has agreed to teach tennis part time, but he's still not working many hours in it yet, and I'm so tired of arguing. I''m starting to just not care anymore.

I don't know a thing about how to make a marriage work, but I do know this much. Please don't let yourself start saying you don't care. It makes things much worse because deep down you DO care.

I know what you mean though. If someone is beating the crap out of you 6 days out of the week, then that one day they are not it's like you want to just keep quiet because at least the pain stopped for that one day and maybe things are nice. It seems easier to just leave it alone ans stop arguing, but it's not.

I realize you are not being physically hit, but I think someone else here hit the nail on the head. Your husband is threatened by you being in grad school of all things and here he is a tennis teacher. He is indirectly trying to make you feel bad for being successful and he can't stand that you will soon have a master's.

Bottom line, please don't become placid outwardly. The trouble with your stomach says that this DOES bother you greatly.

[janenkoli]

In my community there is a saying that(once they get their Rn licence, they leave their husbands) most nurses leave their husbands because the men become lazy and expect the wife to shoulder all the responsibilities because quote and quote with one overtime,($600) or two overtime($1200) per a pay period she can manage to pull that off, so why should he work two weeks to make that same amt. he will rather babysit and let the wife work. The moment most men feel your are doing well taking care of their responsibilities they tend to relax.Then they remember that their boss is a pain in their a!!!!!!!!!!. think about this and give your self a break, because if any thing happens to you , he gets another wife.

[SummerGarden, BSN, MSN, RN]

I have a different perspective from other posters. Tell your husband that you understand that he does not want to teach many hours of tennis (his actions show this not his words which you cannot trust right now because he is acting passive aggressive toward you and your money situation). Then tell him in order for this marriage to work and for you to stop slowly killing yourself from stress, you two need to sale this house. Purchasing it while you are trying to get through school was a big mistake and now it is time for you two to correct the mistake.

Do not threaten him, do not argue with him, get a real estate person (not him since he wants to keep it) and put the FOR SALE sign in the yard tomorrow! It will not sale tomorrow so you will have time to talk hubby into signing the papers.

When you talk to him do not accuse him of anything, do not put him down for the lack of money he is bringing in, just show him a real budget because numbers do not lie, PEOPLE DO! And that is how you two ended up in this situation.

You two LIED to each other and yourself. So as a team, you two need to correct the problem.

Besides, giving up the house is not the end of the world. You two cannot afford it while you are attending school and I do not think you should have to give up school.

After school you can get a house again. By the way, your husband was wrong about apartments. Living in an apartment is not a waste of money if you cannot afford a home. It is that simple!!!

I'm not trying to be harsh.. I am just trying to give you a perspective that might actually save your marriage.

Speaking of saving your marriage, there are many free resources on-line to help with debts. There is one in particular I like to listen to often. The host is a Christian and he is pro-marriage. He gives advice and the he says that the number one reason for divorce is finances. So if your finances get better, won't your marriage???? I know it worked for mine. :wink2:

If you want the website I am talking about, please PM me.

[christvs, DNP, RN, NP]

I have a different perspective from other posters. Tell your husband that you understand that he does not want to teach many hours of tennis (his actions show this not his words which you cannot trust right now because he is acting passive aggressive toward you and your money situation). Then tell him in order for this marriage to work and for you to stop slowly killing yourself from stress, you two need to sale this house. Purchasing it while you are trying to get through school was a big mistake and now it is time for you two to correct the mistake.

Do not threaten him, do not argue with him, get a real estate person (not him since he wants to keep it) and put the FOR SALE sign in the yard tomorrow! It will not sale tomorrow so you will have time to talk hubby into signing the papers.

When you talk to him do not accuse him of anything, do not put him down for the lack of money he is bringing in, just show him a real budget because numbers do not lie, PEOPLE DO! And that is how you two ended up in this situation.

You two LIED to each other and yourself. So as a team, you two need to correct the problem.

Besides, giving up the house is not the end of the world. You two cannot afford it while you are attending school and I do not think you should have to give up school.

After school you can get a house again. By the way, your husband was wrong about apartments. Living in an apartment is not a waste of money if you cannot afford a home. It is that simple!!!

I'm not trying to be harsh.. I am just trying to give you a perspective that might actually save your marriage.

Speaking of saving your marriage, there are many free resources on-line to help with debts. There is one in particular I like to listen to often. The host is a Christian and he is pro-marriage. He gives advice and the he says that the number one reason for divorce is finances. So if your finances get better, won't your marriage???? I know it worked for mine. :wink2:

If you want the website I am talking about, please PM me.

Thanks for your advice. We are going to go to marriage counseling very soon and in the meantime he is actively looking for additional hours to teach tennis. Now if I can just get my gastritis to calm itself down.... I told him if he did not get a job that allows him to get a steady income so he can also be contributing to paying our bills, that we could no longer keep the house-that it wasn't worth the stress to me. I also told him that if he did not want to find a job that I have no problem being by myself if that is how he is going to be. I think I scared him because he was on the phone the next day calling all around to look for additional hours of tennis to teach. So hopefully it will all end up okay.

[Jo Dirt]

Skittlez: do you mean you got angry at me because you think I should've stood up for myself? Cuz I honestly am...

I think you should stand up for yourself, too (just pleeease don't say cuz :uhoh21: !!!)

Get him a pizza boy hat and send him on his way to deliver pizzas. I'm serious. He can start bringing home money right away.

I would also remind him what a SPOILED IMMATURE BRAT AND AN EMBARRASSMENT he is being. Any honorable man would go out and dig ditches to support his family and his sorry a$$ is sitting around like he is entitled to have this and have that. That makes for a worthless human being. And this fantasy he has about making money as a realtor...how long does it take before he gets the message??? More like an excuse for not having to get out and WORK.

I'll tell him for you, if you'd like. Someone needs to shake his tree. I've been to many a counselor. It's not likely to happen that way. I don't want to smear counseling, but it is rarely useful, especially in a situation where the husband is simply lazy. I would be willing to bet money counseling will not do a thing for him long term if he is not willing to change on his own.

[christvs, DNP, RN, NP]

I think you should stand up for yourself, too (just pleeease don't say cuz :uhoh21: !!!)

Get him a pizza boy hat and send him on his way to deliver pizzas. I'm serious. He can start bringing home money right away.

I would also remind him what a SPOILED IMMATURE BRAT AND AN EMBARRASSMENT he is being. Any honorable man would go out and dig ditches to support his family and his sorry a$$ is sitting around like he is entitled to have this and have that. That makes for a worthless human being. And this fantasy he has about making money as a realtor...how long does it take before he gets the message??? More like an excuse for not having to get out and WORK.

I'll tell him for you, if you'd like. Someone needs to shake his tree. I've been to many a counselor. It's not likely to happen that way. I don't want to smear counseling, but it is rarely useful, especially in a situation where the husband is simply lazy. I would be willing to bet money counseling will not do a thing for him long term if he is not willing to change on his own.

Yeah, I am worried that counseling may not work because I don't think it will affect him very much. But I'm willing to try anything right now if there is even a chance it will work. If he does not get a job or continues to feel like he does not have to, then I will not be waiting around for him forever. But it is honestly really difficult to imagine not being with him, if it comes to that. I know I still love him. I just wish he would grow up already. I guess I assumed as long as I tried really hard and there was real love, that we would always be together. Please don't tell me I was naive, that is just how I am. But now I'm getting to feel very bitter and resentful. It's not a pretty feeling. That's why I'm hoping to go to counseling-to make myself feel better, and to try to work on us at the same time. And what is wrong with "cuz"? It's a personal favorite of mine. lol :)

[lannisz]

Counseling doesn't work when you are married to an immature person who feels entitled to whatever you are willing to kill yourself to do for them. He will continue to do whatever he wants and expect you to do the grownup stuff, and get angry and feel abused if you don't. I am describing my first husband who ended up leaving me with 3 small children to raise after I PUT HIM THRU SCHOOL AND WORKED MY BUTT OFF! He was supposed to be a house husband and take care of the kids and home, but he played, neglected the children and house and managed a few affairs I'm pretty sure. He then left me for another woman who treated him like dirt. Go figure! It had a happy ending because after he was gone I went to nursing school. Fast forward 10 years: I am remarried to a mature partner hardworking man who is physically, emotionally supportive and financially strong. I work (too much yes, but not because he wants me to) and am in graduate school and I am very stressed by my work and my FNP program BUT NOT BY MY HUSBAND. He is wonderful and I would be utterly frothing insane if he wasn't so supportive. He works long hours too, but on his days off if I'm working, he cleans, he cooks, he runs errands. So, long answer to your question: YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[SummerGarden, BSN, MSN, RN]

I guess I assumed as long as I tried really hard and there was real love, that we would always be together. Please don't tell me I was naive, that is just how I am. But now I'm getting to feel very bitter and resentful. It's not a pretty feeling.

Please get a Counselor that is pro-marriage; I do not think you are wrong in your feelings. If you have a good church home, find a good financial counselor too. Some will give group classes for free to get you two started on a budget that both of you agree too and work to make happen.

The bottom line is you two need to start working as a team. Yes you are resentful, but that is ONLY because you feel you are carrying the entire burden of this family by yourself and this should not be the case.

I will PM you the website of which I speak... If you cannot find a financial counselor within your church home, then you can possibly get one off of this website? Plus the great thing about the website is it has free radio show episodes , where the person gives financial counseling. You will find out you and your husband are not alone in your financial and marital struggles and that there are people who go from where you two are in your marriage to being debt free and happily married.

You did the right thing by telling him you will get rid of the house. He woke up. However, he has a long way to go before he will be truly awake. On the other hand, I am sure he has what it takes to get there if you two have good guidance.

You did not marry a bum right? Money is the number one cause of divorce. So the two of you will be OK if you work together to get that burden off of your backs. :wink2:

[Jo Dirt]

www.vowesavers.com don't know if I spelled it right but you can find it at www.daveramsey.com

He gives excellent financial advice. I don't particularly care for it when he gets into the religious stuff, but it is a worthwhile show to listen to.

[paccookie]

Been there, done that, got the friggin' t-shirt! I really feel for you. My best advice is to leave his lazy butt and get on with your life. You've only been married for two years and he's already acting like this? You don't have kids, you have a good job, you're in grad school...girl, what is holding you back??? Him? There are plenty of great guys out there who will WANT to work to take care of you! I WISH someone had told me this when I was first married, or even before I was married. Now I'm stuck with a lazy bum who barely works and has been unemployed more than employed in the six years we've been married plus the two years we dated before that. Unfortunately, we have two kids to think about too. If we didn't have kids, I know we would have split up a long time ago. We were on the verge of splitting up when I got pregnant. I've stuck by him and tried to encourage him to find a better job, go back to school, DO SOMETHING other than sit around the house...and still he prefers to play video games or play with his video equipment. It's never going to change. My advice to you is to give him an ultimatum - make the money he promised by teaching or whatever (so long as it starts coming in ASAP) or you will file for divorce. But be prepared to back it up with action. You can't wait around for him if he's refusing to change. And you can't continue to kill yourself working and going to school for something that will never be any different. You said yourself that you were crying constantly and stressed out...why stick around for that? Good luck to you in school and in your married life. I hope things work out positively for you regardless of how your marriage turns out. :icon_hug:

CG

[Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN]

Said it on other threads, i'll say it here too:

As a kid whose parents got married and stayed married for 7 years for my "sake", they didn't fool me. I knew something wasn't right, and i would have been much happier had they gotten divorced soon as they realized it wasn't going to work, or heck, never got married. I was probably the only 7 year old who did a cartwheel when i found out my parents were spliting up.