Please help me understand/Domestic Violence Question

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 23, 2005

Jnette, while I enormously respect your strength, getting outside help is not a bad thing for some; I have never been encouraged to use drugs or psychopharmaceuticals by my current therapist. Heck, he cant' even prescribe them, being a Social Worker. He HAS offered me perspective and help I could not have come up with on my own or using my limited resources. I would say, getting outside help is beneficial in many cases. It has saved my marriage, for sure, and maybe even my life.

I tried the stoic and strong route, thinking I could read self-help books and think my way out of the problems I was having---- and it failed for me. This man helped me find my inner strengths and the power to stop the insanity with my parents, which persists even today. I thank God everyday I was introduced to this man and for the help he has given me.

If one feels they need outside help there are many routes to go----not all lead to psychiatry and drugs-----try a social worker or psychologist, first. Talk therapy is invaluable----or an excellent adjunct to medicinal therapy. We all have to find our way. My hat is off to those who can do this alone----I am amazed. But I think you are in the minority. Lord, how I wish I had your great strength, Jnette.

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 23, 2005

Your posts have all been very inspirational. OP, make room for me, I'm coming to AZ! (just kidding) Smilingblueeyes(deb) your story touched my spirit, it is so close to my own. I am currently living in hell with my second husband, an addict. We had similar backgrounds (both severely abused by parents -my mom, his dad) When I became a mother, I knew instinctively I would not be physically violent with my children. It was so easy to break the cycle of abuse, I was fully unaware that anyone who had suffered abuse as a child would ever turn on their own children). My second husband has been terrorizing me for 5 years. Very seldom physically violent, however heavy couch cushions are his weapon of choice--try telling the police your husband was hitting you with pillows--sounds so silly) I have chronic back pain so I am constantly hiding my meds from my own husband. Oftentimes he tries to bully me out of them. At times he has found and taken what he wants. I am left without my meds for several days before I can get a refill. No sympathy from him. I have 3 girls from my first marriage. Two are grown, neither one likes to visit. They both hate my husband, one stays away, one comes to visit occasionally but lives on the opposite side of the US. My 13 yr old daughter from my first marriage just came home after staying with her Dad for a month. I had to get a court order to have him return her to me. Although she loves living with me she says she hates living with my husband and would rather not be here, But at the time she left I had been separated from my husband for 2 weeks when she left. she just didnt believe I would not have him come back. She came home last friday and told me she still wants to lilve with her father. She hates my husband and he hates her. there is no physical violence, but he is an angry man, all the time every day. She cant stand it and neither can I. A week before she came back, he moved back in, although I had said no, i did not want him home. I made appointments for everyone for counseling. My son has been physically abused by him. My husband now says his dad was a saint for beating him so hard. My son hits pinches, kicks and swears just like his dad. Dad blames me because I am too soft. If he is mad at my son, when I come home for work, I have to be mad too. my son is only 3 years old, when I get home I usually get on the floor and play with him for a while. I am not allowed to do that if dad is mad. I have to be mad too, no games, toys,or stories.
This morning I said, "Billy, I have no family left because of you. No one likes you, no one can live with you. No one can make you happy, because you are miserable. I am not going to lose my daughter because of you. I would rather have you gone than all of my kids. My choice is: being alone with you for the rest of my life,have no family or friends, because no one likes to be around you, or, Having all my family with me and you gone. I want my family. not you."
What did he say, he tried to blame everyone else for his problems. Everything is my fault, and my kids, because they dont respect him. I said no one is going to respect you when you dont respect them, it is a 2 way street. He said that my children should be making him feel comfortable, not the other way around. He said he is tired of me trying to make him feel bad about himself. He said he knows he is a good man and a good person, and he will find a good woman and have a wonderful life while I am miserable and all alone.
I said I hope he does find someone else. because when that relationship fails,maybe he will start to see the pattern. maybe then he will see it is not them, but maybe it is him after all.
And I said I will never be alone, I have my four children. That is all I need.
What I want you all to know, is that I have never said, come back I need you. He always just came back and said I am back. That is it. These last few months since I had him arrested for leaving welts on my son, I have not once said please come back.
But I have the house, and I have a good job, so my husband doesnt really want to be on his own. He would rather be taken care of.
But he can't even be nice at all. every day is another day of angry words, insults, put downs, my stomach in knots wondering what is happening at home while I am trying to make a living. Enough! I had enough. I am done.
When I had met him, I felt a kinship, since we had both been abused. I never thought he would want to be violent with his own child. I told him from the day I met him, that I dont believe in physical violence.
I just never saw it coming. I thought he would have similar feelings on raising children, and loving children.
Thanks for the thread, I needed to get it out. I don't know how this will end, but I know what I need to do.:stone

Bless your heart. I feel for you, Lord knows I do. I will say a prayer for you, that you find your way out and a way to higher self-esteem and health and healing. . MY heart truly goes out to you------I feel for you.

deb

jnette, ASN, EMT-I · Nov 23, 2005

Jnette, while I enormously respect your strength, getting outside help is not a bad thing for some; I have never been encouraged to use drugs or psychopharmaceuticals by my current therapist. Heck, he cant' even prescribe them, being a Social Worker. He HAS offered me perspective and help I could not have come up with on my own or using my limited resources. I would say, getting outside help is beneficial in many cases. It has saved my marriage, for sure, and maybe even my life.
I tried the stoic and strong route, thinking I could read self-help books and think my way out of the problems I was having---- and it failed for me. This man helped me find my inner strengths and the power to stop the insanity with my parents, which persists even today. I thank God everyday I was introduced to this man and for the help he has given me.
If one feels they need outside help there are many routes to go----not all lead to psychiatry and drugs-----try a social worker or psychologist, first. Talk therapy is invaluable----or an excellent adjunct to medicinal therapy. We all have to find our way. My hat is off to those who can do this alone----I am amazed. But I think you are in the minority.

Debs ... (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

In no way, did I intend to imply that what I chose for myself was the way for all to go. If it came across that way, I do apologize and must make myself clear. This was MY choice for MYSELF.

I was aware of options out there, but was very distrustful of "our" mental health programs.. at least the state/local funded ones. I had seen too many come and go , counselors merely going through the motions, those in need recieving no more than a script or two to valium, xanax, or antidepressants, and very little helpful therapy or counseling. Our mental health system here is little more than a revolving door. I did not wish to become just another "case number". And I certainly did not have the $$ for a private therapist. I was homeless and penniless.

I just felt I could accomplish more in my own time on my own terms and I was not about to begin with the drug cycle. No way.

I also felt I already there was nothing they could tell me that I didn't already "know".. in my heart, in my mind, in my spirit. That it was simply a matter of time, and that by being gentle with myself and allowing myself that time, I would come out on top.

But that's just "me".

In no way to I advise anyone to do other than what they feel is correct for THEM, nor do I mean that therapy (with or without medication) is wrong or not helpful.

Therapy can indeed be a MARVELOUS thing, and I recommend it for those who would seek it !

But for me.. at that time.. I felt it would have done me more harm than good, considering what was available to me at the time. I am speaking only for what I needed to do for me ...NOT speaking for or advising others.

I hope I'm being understood. :)

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 23, 2005

You bet Jnette. I admire you so much. I wish I had your strength. I can't do this on my own.....after failing for 18 years to do it, I realized the search for the right therapist was essential----no matter how hard I tried to think my way out of it all, it did not work. Thank God a good friend pointed me to a therapist who really is worth every penny , double! He has made all the difference for me.

You are so right; we all have to find a way that works. I just would not want to discourage others thinking of getting therapy from doing so.

shadowrose81 · Nov 23, 2005

Thank you for sharing your stories, ladies. I am very grateful for the eye-opener and education in this matter. You're all very strong and I admire that!

Gennaver, MSN · Nov 23, 2005

...My parents were both alcoholics, I firmly believe one cannot understand alcoholism unless one IS an alcoholic.
... I just want to understand the problem.

Hi Bipley,

Hope this response is received well.

If you still love your parents, then I am surprised that you cannot relate to the feelings of a wife or child who also loves their abuser. Abusers do not abuse generally around the clock day in and day out. As you state about your parents, when you were young, you stayed with them right? Dependence, need, belonging and so on.

Do you see the connection?

You may be able to relate more than you realize. Alcoholism in parents is indeed abuse/neglect to. Not all violence starts right out the bat with a black eye or broken ribs, by the time those come along there could have been years invested in that relationship and then denial become an obstacle. If the partner slowly began abusing little by little, the boundries got pushed and pushed and eventually the entire situation has become pathological. I do not think it happens overnight at all. From what I hear, most abusers generally are not rotten sociopathic abusers constantly, heck, if they were they would never be able to snag an unsuspecting partner nor to keep them so entagled as they do.

Gen

jnette, ASN, EMT-I · Nov 23, 2005

You are so right; we all have to find a way that works. I just would not want to discourage others thinking of getting therapy from doing so.

You are absolutely correct there, Deb. A good therapist is worth his/her weight in gold, truly.

I am so pleased for you that yours has made such a difference in your life.

Way to go! :kiss

jnette, ASN, EMT-I · Nov 23, 2005

Hi Bipley,
Hope this response is received well.
If you still love your parents, then I am surprised that you cannot relate to the feelings of a wife or child who also loves their abuser. Abusers do not abuse generally around the clock day in and day out. As you state about your parents, when you were young, you stayed with them right? Dependence, need, belonging and so on.
Do you see the connection?
You may be able to relate more than you realize. Alcoholism in parents is indeed abuse/neglect to. Not all violence starts right out the bat with a black eye or broken ribs, by the time those come along there could have been years invested in that relationship and then denial become an obstacle. If the partner slowly began abusing little by little, the boundries got pushed and pushed and eventually the entire situation has become pathological. I do not think it happens overnight at all. From what I hear, most abusers generally are not rotten sociopathic abusers constantly, heck, if they were they would never be able to snag an unsuspecting partner nor to keep them so entagled as they do.
Gen

Gen.. while much of what you say is true indeed, there ARE some viscious psychopaths out there as well, who DO abuse around the clock, and prey on those who are unsuspecting and vulnerable at the time, as was in my case.

They "play nice" initially until they have you where they want you.. preferably far away from home, or otherwise isolated.

Once they have you in their web, they show their true colors. Instant change, and unapologetically so. The violence begins THEN, and is indeed 'round the clock from that point on. There is no slow increase, no time outs.

I realize this is more the exception than the rule, but it is out there, nonetheless. Very scary, very dangerous situation. :stone

RN Rotten Nurse · Nov 23, 2005

I'll try to find the exact statistics for you (and some literature to read) but I'll tell you now it's because they fear for their lives. More women get killed by their abusive partner AFTER they leave him/her than those that are actually living with the abuser. As an ER nurse, I'm surprised you haven't learned this fact in some sort of class such as a triage class. There are abusers that threaten to kill their partners if they leave and they do just that! I suggest a little internet research.............

warrior woman · Nov 24, 2005

You know what? I'm still stupid because I don't get it. Abusive spouses cut brakes and do the same things and people stay.
Why do they stay? I understand why they leave, I don't understand why they stay.

Because unfortunately, after all of the abuse they've suffered, they TRULY believe every horrible thing that was said about them. They've been truly brainwashed, and adversely conditioned to believe the lies that are fed to them by their abusive spouse. This leads to a paralysis of indecision of the abused party. It's all about NEGATIVE CONDITIONING.

FurmanGirl · Nov 24, 2005

You should try looking up "battered wife syndrome". It's actually a bonafide syndrome, and sometimes a self defense in trials where a wife kills her abusive spouse (though it should be renamed to be PC for those who aren't wives, but, hey, I didn't name it), not that I'm recommending it. I've been intently reading this thread, and was suprised it wasn't mentioned before. My father never once hit me or my mother, but he always a step away from it. The threat was there, but he never acted on it, though he was emotionally and verbally abusive. I'm so thankful to the ones who've shared their stories, it's kind of scary how similar my dad sounds to these other men. I did want to rant for just a minute, though. My state is consistently ranked among the highest for men who kill their female partners. But in my southern, old-fashioned state, most people still believe that it's a private matter not to be discussed with others, none of their business, they don't get involved. Sure restraining orders are amost always noted in these cases, but the police don't particularly enforce them, if they decide to give the person one. Also, I was taught in a self defense course through my college sorority, that in our area, and many others, if you do call for help from the police in a domestic violence case, that you shouldn't say it's DV. The cops are slower to respond and less likely to be helpful. Now, I'm not sure where they got their statistics, but it SEEMS to be true. I also am not saying that all law enforcement are liek this, but it generally happens in my area. In addition, we were told to say there was a robbery or something similar to get a quicker response time. I'm not sure if that qualifies, but if could fall under filling a false report. Has anyone else ever heard of this or know anything about it?

P.S. I'm not trying to offend anyone, just trying to inform and get feedback.

Valerette · Nov 24, 2005

I'm happy to report that my state takes DV very seriously, although I had heard stories similar to what you have heard. After I ended my relationship with my abuser, he went on to abuse another woman. She called the police about his behavior but then he talked her into recanting her story and dropping charges.

However, in my state the DA can press charges without the main victim's cooperation; I received a call from the DA asking me to testify against him. It was very hard to drag everything back to light again but I'm so glad I did it. He was convicted of kidnapping and assault with a deadly weapon, all against the new girlfriend, and received 30 years in prison. I can't describe what a relief it was to me to not have to worry anymore about his influence on my daughter.

So my point is, the police in my state took this violence very seriously, more seriously then the victim was taking it. Hopefully if the police in your state aren't there yet, they'll get there. One piece of advice, though--if you get a restraining order against your abuser, honor it!! Report him if he contacts you!! I got a restraining order against my abuser and he wrote me two letters , both trying to sweet talk me into taking him back. I brought both letters to the police and he ended up spending some time in jail because of it. I realize in some cases this might seem too dangerous, but I feel it's too dangerous not to. The police took me much more seriously because of this and I think it helped me come across as a truthful witness when I testified against him later on.