Please help me understand/Domestic Violence Question

SmilingBluEyes · Nov 23, 2005

Wooh said: As others have said, it's a slow process, and the monsters who do this are skilled. If he beat the crap out of you on the first date, of course you'd leave. But he doesn't. He charms you. You fall in love. Then the little barbs start, the little things that make you think you're worthless, and really lucky to have him. Then a slap here and there. That he's soooo sorry you made him do that. And when you put up with a little, it's hard to draw the line and say "2 bruises last week were ok, but 3 this week isn't." It's a downward spiral. And the further down you go, the harder it is to get out. Because at that point now are you not only worthless and nobody else will ever love you and totally to blame for everything he does, but the people you would turn to for help don't understand why you were so stupid to stay with him this long.

Where to you it's surprising women stay, for me it's surprising they get up the courage to leave.

********************************************

Exactly.

Tell you how it started:

The dates were romantic. Flowers, little gifts you name it. Such the gentleman. NO pushes to sleep with me for MONTHS...he did not lay a hand on me. He was a perfect date-----great with conversation and friendship and had been thru a lot of the same abuse as a kid I had. We had a kinship and I thought, understanding.

I remember the first shove-------we were in a heated disagreement and I was heading out the door, back to work when he grabbed and shoved me across the room. I was shocked. He immediately apologized and begged forgiveness, but I was angry and left.

I received flowers at work the next day, with an apology note. It was amazing, I forgot being angry and forgave.

There were so many "honeymoon" occasions like this. A push here, grab there, NOT out and out hitting or punching, it was subtle. And always, the tears, apologies, followed by DAYS of blissful peace and tranquility in our relationship that made it somehow worth it.

I won't bore you with details as to the rest, but the end of our relationship was very violent, with me literally running two blocks to my best friend's home for shelter. We had to call the police as he came there, threatening to break down the door and drag me home. I had to file a police report, go to ER and get evaluated, pictures taken, and then call my supervisor and tell her the situation as the police recommended for their safety. It was so humiliating, like I said. It was hard to admit I had been such a fool for all the world to see----I grew up keeping "family matters" firmly in the home and quiet, not open like this.

I was lucky in that I had a handful of girlfriends who saw this coming and were ready to help me. I moved in with one of them, and they helped me find an apartment and move in. I had a few male friends, too, who helped keep him at bay and literally spent nights on my couch, guarding my wellbeing. God saw to it I was well-cared for.

When the stalking finally stopped, I understand he was jailed for beating up another girlfriend. Yep, he had started another relationship, gotten her pregnant, and yet, found plenty of time to stalk me. SICK.

I look back and still wonder how I got myself into that. I am a reasonably intelligent person; domestic abuse hotline numbers were everywhere---so it was not exactly as if I was unaware of all this----I guess I was just in denial for a long time. Dreaming a dream and waking up in a nightmare. It all seems too surreal today, 18 years later----I was young and knew no better----a teenager kicked out of her home and sent to deal on her own, I was vulnerable to such a man, especially another military member and cop. I thought he was a good guy, stupidly.

I guess I can say the one positive thing that came out of this is I understand how abused people behave and go back----I can relate and feel empathy. But I have to separate myself, too, as it's easy for me to get overly-involved in their pain and relate TOO much.

Hope this helps someone out there.

donmomofnine · Nov 23, 2005

Knew marriage was going down hill, never worked outside of home. Spent three years in nursing school so I could provide for kids after I left him. I had four small children at the time and no family support for leaving. Money wasn't a huge issue, but just try to find anyone to rent a home to a woman with four little kids! Finally after two years, found a place if I put down double the security deposit. Try to find childcare at 5am. My job started at six so I had to wake my kids at four when I finally found a caregiver. When she moved, had to find another job with better hours! Idiot came after me, stalked me, threatened me. My car was in terrible shape, so had to find someone to fix that up for me. Expenses added up quickly. Took no money when I left, he would have hurt me. Accepted his offer of $100/mo child support, or he would have hurt me.

Bottom line, wanted to leave but it took time to make it happen.

Q. · Nov 23, 2005

Fear and lack of self worth. They believe they deserve it. They think if they just walk on pins and needles then he won't do it again. If they get hit, they believe it is because they didn't do something right.

In answer to the OP's question: exactly.

donmomofnine · Nov 23, 2005

AND.... I was in a church that reinforce the fact that if I was a better wife, he wouldn't hurt me!:angryfire

honeyb111 · Nov 23, 2005

I was 18, living at home and going to college. My parents weren't physically abusive but always managed to make me feel unloved. I met the most wonderful man - he showered me with attention and love, always wanted to spend time with me, gave me all the things I was missing in my life. The emotional abuse started about a month later - no one else loved me, I was "used" property (I'd been with 1 person before him), no one else would ever want me, at least he accepted me and loved me etc..... I had no self-esteem, no self-worth. Then the physical abuse began - a smack if I said something wrong followed by the apologies and "it will never happen again." It was all my fault, I deserved it. And yes I believed all of it - he had torn me down that badly. The abuse escalated over time. We married a year after we met - I believed him when he told me it would all get better if I would just show my commitment to him - besides, he was the only one who would ever love me. For the last 6 months or so, I was beat 2 or 3 times a week, full-fledged beatings where I would just lie on the floor and pray for it to be over, if I fought back it would only go on longer. I can't tell you everything that would run through my mind. I only knew that it was always my fault. 11 months after we married I left. Why? It was after he attacked me with nunchucks, I knew then that the next time he would kill me.

That was 14 years ago this month. I still live in fear of him. I've moved many times since - he has always managed to find me. I currently live 500 miles away - he calls constantly. I worry that he's going to show up on my doorstep he has told me the directions to my house. I remarried 11 years ago, a great guy who does know my history (we were all friends in college so he actually watched me go thru most of it, its also how the ex knows my last name now and can find me). We have a 10 yr old daughter. Right now its just me and my daughter here. Dh is in the military, spent 2 years overseas. While he was gone I started school. We live in 2 different states right now so I can finish my degree - I could have transferred to a college where he is now but we're worried that he'll deploy yet again and I wouldn't have the family to help with my daughter. I hate the fear I still feel after all these years.

I never went into therapy, although I know I need it even now. Dh has begged me to but I won't unless he's here to help me thru it. I've repressed most of my memories and sometimes have flashbacks (not very often and never in front of my daughter thankfully). I know I can't face it all again by myself.

This is the first time I've ever told my whole story. I'm fighting the tears - my daughter is here right now. I'm posting along with all the others hoping it will help someone understand the vicious cycle of abuse and how a person can get caught up in it.

Most of all, maybe it will help someone who is in an abusive relationship now. My pms and my email are always open.

Sharon

Ruby Vee, BSN · Nov 23, 2005

no one can really understand domestic violence unless they've been there. and nobody knows why jane doesn't leave except jane. i don't know why jane doesn't leave, and i've been there. all i can really tell you is my story.

i married for the first time at 22 -- already an "old maid" by the standards of my small, farming community. i married my college sweetheart, a guy we'll call john. john loved women -- all women. and when i caught john in bed with the neighbor, i left him. my parents had an "intervention". they told me that marriage was for keeps -- look at them; they'd been together for almost thirty (miserable) years. in the end, i went back to him -- on the condition that we move 1000 miles away and he never have another affair. but once a cheater, always a cheater and after trying and trying to make things work, i bowed to the inevitable (and the advice of two different marriage counselors) and left him and moved back home. my parents let me know in no uncertain terms that i had failed. i must have some deficiency that caused my husband to look elsewhere.

i was introduced to rene by friends a year later. they thought we'd have a lot in common because his first wife had cheated on him. he was a nurse, he seemed to be a kind, good man. he was funny and well-liked. i thought i was lucky that he was interested in me -- i was damaged goods, you see. we dated for two years, and married on the second anniversary of our first date. my parents were ecstatic. they loved him. he was the son they'd never had.

the day after the wedding, he announced "now that we're married, i don't have to be on my best behavior anymore." there was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and i knew right then i was trapped in a bad situation. i just didn't know how bad. i'd survived one divorce, but there was no way i'd go through a second. i was going to make this marriage work if it killed me.

it started out slowly with verbal abuse, then emotional abuse. one day he threw a kleenex box at me. and i told myself "it's not so bad. it's only a kleenex box." then it was a 10 pound pillow that my mother made out of feathers from her geese. "it's not so bad. it's only a pillow." he joined the air force and we moved 2000 miles away from my family. things got worse. during one fight, he threw me down the five cement steps of our front stoop. i packed my bags and went to california to stay with a friend. rene was sorry, promising that it would never happen again. my friend begged me to reconsider and go back to him, since it was clear that he loved me so much. (and her house was extremely small!) my parents couldn't figure out why i'd leave such a wonderful guy, and gave me to understand that if i couldn't make this marriage work, i didn't need to to plan on them being in my life anymore. after all, rene was wonderful. it must have been something i did.

i went back to rene on the condition that we get counselling. by now, i was brainwashed by my parents and my husband into thinking that there was something wrong with me, and if only i could fix that, everything would be ok. the counselor reinforced that notion. she kept asking me "what did you do to make him hit you?" and when my childhood came up, she asked me what i had done to make my parents hit me.

rene and i kept going to counselling, but as you can imagine, things didn't get better. after all -- she'd just given him carte blanche. if he hit me, it must have been my fault. six months later, he threw me through a wall. (drywall) i called the ywca domestic violence program in my city, and we each got hooked up with separate counselors. mine was chosen because, like me, she was an air force wife. our counselling sessions were spent discussing her rotton marriage, and how her husband was cheating on her. rene's counsellor told him that if he hadn't put me into the hospital, he didn't have a problem. in a moment of clarity, i kicked rene out of the house and sought out a third counsellor.

the third counselor made a lot more sense than the first two. she made me see that while i may have pissed rene off, i hadn't made him hit me. rene moved in with a friend from the air force, also a spouse abuser. truman's wife had left him, taking their two year old with her. she had a restraining order, and child support was collected through the courts. rene thought she was just being a terrible ***** about the whole thing. but he was sorry he had "scared me", and he loved me and he wanted to work things out. he kept sending me flowers and gifts . . . and one day, when i was going through a horrible period at work and had just had a long session with my parents who couldn't understand what was wrong with me, i agreed to "try again." only this time, we'd live apart, go to joint counseling with the therapist i was seeing, and he couldn't move back in until she said it was safe.

after several months, the therapist thought we'd made enough progress that it was safe for rene to move in. things were ok. not great, but ok. we went to marriage counseling, but had found a male therapist since rene "couldn't respect a female." we were careful with each other. we worked pretty much opposite schedules, i started graduate school full time and he went away on tdy frequently. things were tense, but tense felt normal. he seemed to be on a 12-week cycle. he'd build up to his extreme anger phase gradually, and when it neared i hung out on campus, at a friend's house, at the mall, at the movies, or sometimes in an all-night convenience store right outside the air base until i was pretty sure he'd gone to work. and i made sure to be gone when he came home. sometimes, i provoked a tantrum before he'd built up his full "head of steam" because that way i knew i'd get off easier. he ranted and raved and threw things, but he didn't hit me. then he'd be sorry, and things would be ok for awhile. we socialized together sometimes, and my friends thought he was wonderful. (his thought i was stuck up, because i didn't say much. if i did, he'd berate me for it afterward.)

after a year of this, i had ulcers, joint pain, head aches and insomnia. but we'd gone a full year without any physical abuse, so we went away for the weekend to celebrate. as we were sitting in a seafood restaurant on washington's coast, it was if someone threw a switch and rene began to simmer. i knew he was dangerous. i got up and walked out of the restaurant, not sure where i was going, but only knowing i had to get away. my mistake was in stopping at our truck to get our dogs -- i was afraid he'd beat them if he couldn't beat me. he caught me, threw me into the truck, and roared off. after miles of manic driving, he pulled over and started to choke me. somehow, i got the door open and was hanging half out of the truck while rene tried his best to strangle me. he kept saying over and over. "i'll fix you. i'll fix you good. i'll fix you. i'll fix you good." cars kept speeding by, but no one stopped to help me. i was sure i was dead. my vision started to grey and i felt detatched from my body . . . and as i started to black out, i fell out of the truck. one of the dogs jumped out after me, and when rene came after me, growled and bared his teeth at him.

and that's how i came to leave my abuser. alone in the rain on the side of a road with nothing but the clothes on my back, my dog, and my purse which had somehow gotten entangled around my arm. (i certainly wouldn't have had the presence of mind to take it with me.)

at the time i left, i was 31. i had a good job (ccu rn), a college education and was working on my mba. i had a few good friends, access to counseling, and no one else to support. and $400 in a secret bank account rene didn't know about. if my husband, my parents and a string of therapists could convince me that somehow it was my fault, that i deserved it and if i'd just fix myself everything would be ok what about an 18 year old mother with no education, no job skills and no money?

it's been 19 years. i didn't date for three years, and then dated a string of losers i knew i wouldn't be tempted to marry. eleven years ago next month, i connected with my wonderful husband. it took him four years to convince me to marry him, but i'm so glad i did. i'm happy now, and as i look back i still don't understand. my parents eventually got over my decision to leave rene, although my father used to make jokes about "the rule of thumb." it took my announcement that domestic violence wasn't a joking matter, and if he couldn't respect that i didn't need to see him again -- ever -- to make him stop. i think he's sorry now, but i don't think he gets it. i don't think either of my parents does. they're in their 70s now, and they probably never will get it. i'm ok, though.

ruby

Snow1278, RN · Nov 23, 2005

I was in an abusive relationship for six years. My exhusband beat me, and emotionally abused me. I thought everytime I tried to leave it would be the end and that it was the right thing to do. But he had this emotional hold on me and somehow managed to make me believe it was my fault he was the way he was. That I was to blame. Money, wasn't the issue, there was more to it than just leaving. When I finally left, it was because I woke up and realized how much better off I would be without him, he still tried to tell me it was my fault, threatened to kill me. I fought back this time with a restraining order. He is out of my life for good now and I am almost finished with my nursing degree, my four children go to sleep every night and don't have to worry about monsters or being abused. I think for abused people it is more of an emotional thing, not just financial. Abusers are in power and very controlling and I have noticed that in a lot of abusive relaitonships. I hope that helps.

jnette, ASN, EMT-I · Nov 23, 2005

I won't allow myself to forget. I want to but sometimes I'm doing something normal and suddenly it hits me. I'm still working on it.

Me too, Kid.

It is important that you NOT allow yourself to forget.

I never did therapy. I managed to provide my own. I refused to go the mental health route.. wanted nothing to do with their bag of drugs they were only too willing to push. I figured I got myself into this mess, and I was going to work my way out of its aftermath as well.

What I did was a LOT of research when I finally managed to escape my own three years of hell.

I had to know for myself that I was not "crazy".. had NOT been in "denial", or any of the above mentioned things that might cause a woman to stay. I knew better. I just wasn't buying into that. But I still had to know WHY I had not been able to leave.

I knew good and well that I did NOT deserve, nor provoke the daily, nearly HOURLY violence coming my way. There was no "honeymoon" thinking, no "denial".

My self esteem was well intact. (And much of the reason I suffered all the more at his hands, as I was a fighter and railed against his acts of violence with a vengeance. I did not take it lying down until I had the breath choked out of me in the end. His physical strentgh far outweighed my own, and while I knew it was futile to fight back, my sense of right and wrong was so vioalted, I simply COULD not take this passively.)

I knew full well what situation I was in, and I knew my very life was at stake.. as well as that of my children. I thank God daily that they were still with their father during this time, although I also understood only too well, that this perpetrator could and WOULD make good on his threats to them should I run.

His words "run if you dare, but know that a mother will ALWAYS return to attend her child's funeral.. and I'll be waiting for you there" still resonnates in my soul to this day.

There's something I would like to share with those of you who have difficulty understanding what makes a woman "stay" in these situations.

My research on this subject was later validated in my nursing studies when I came across the material on the body's reaction to stress levels, fear, and panic. I suggest that all who wonder, read up on this. It is really quite simple.

The body, and particularly the MIND, when exposed to continuous high stress and/or violence, shuts down all those parts that have to do with "rational thinking".. and goes into "survival mode". Planning an escape, and true rational thinking are a LUXURY that the mind under such extreme conditions can no longer afford. It now focuses soley on moment to moment survival.

My three years of hell took place shortly after my husband of 20 years and father of our children separated. I was hurt, confused, and vulnerable. I took up with a man I had since befriended, and viewed as a "big brother" and a friend.. I was ever so wrong. He wanted far more from the relationship than I ever intended, and made it clear in the most unfathonable ways. It was HIS way.. or death at his hands... literally.

I had NEVER been exposed to any type of violence in my life before this. While I had "heard" of domestic abuse", it was not anything I really looked into, as I had never had the "need" to. Nor, like many here, did I ever understand WHY a woman would stay in these circumstances. I was about to find out.

The violence was immediate and unrelenting. It was daily, it was hourly. I was not permitted to leave the house without him by my side, nor was I allowed to even shower by myself. If we were out in public, if I had to use the restroom, he was at the other side of the door waiting.. guarding. And God forbid I was in there longer than he thought I needed to be.

I was not allowed out of his sight... ever. Which meant no work, no phone calls.. total isolation.. was conveniently out of state where I knew NO one.

At night, I was not permitted to sleep with even one shred of clothing, not even undergarments, thus making it harder for me to "slip away" in the middle of the night. If I forgot, or simply collapsed from sheer emotional exhaustion, my clothes were violently removed with a machete.. which was then also placed at my throat.

He made a point of making good on his threats.

After having your ribs kicked by steel toed boots until you hear them snap, your teeth knocked out, your leg fxd. from being thrown down an icy flight of outdoor steps, your ears punched bloody,and being choked/strangled on a daily basis to the very brink of unconsciousness and death, and losing your voice for weeks because your voicebox was crushed... all this takes its toll on any "rational thought processes". You are in panic/survival mode and WILL stay that way.

Add to that the intentional sleep deprivation, food deprivation, deprivation of basic needs and hygiene.. all meant to further wear you down.. physically, emotionally, rob you of your very soul.

I beg of you who doubt or second guess the actions (or lack thereof) of those who are victims of such heinous violence.

One is totally INCAPABLE of thinking any farther than the next five minutes, and how to avoid the next onslaught.

What you fear, controls you. In this case, it is fear itself which is paralyzing. Knowing you're dead if you do, dead if your don't. Fearing for your children should you attempt to escape, more than for yourself.

In my case it was the thoughts of my children which kept me hanging on.. enduring the violence, hoping against hope that the day would come when I would indeed be set free and step out of this hell. Were it not for them, I would have only too gladly succumbed at his hands. But I wanted to live.. for THEM.

Yes, you DO have to "walk in their shoes" to understand. You will never have a full grasp of the horror until it is upon you. I hope you never find out.

The mind is a curious thing. But an amazing thing as well. It protects us better than we ourselves are able to. By shutting down all but the most essential thought processes to get us through the day, it preserves the energy needed to survive.

And survive I did. And I will never forget.

Here's to ALL the survivors. :balloons:

gypsyatheart · Nov 23, 2005

I guess it's easy for someone who has never sufferred emotional and physical abuse to "not understand" why abused persons stay in their situation. What these stories demonstrate is that there are a lot of reasons...fear, shame, low self esteem, etc. Also, the "monsters" out there that do this are master manipulators. Of course, no one ever wakes up one morning and thinks....'ya know, I think today I'm gonna find a guy that is going to verbally and physically abuse me. And then I'll get pregnant just to add spice to things, so I'll have not only to fear for my life, I'll fear for my child's as well!

It doesn't work like that. It is a matter of mental conditioning. Most women who end up in that situation have already been horribly emotionally scarred. They have never known what a "normal" loving relationship is...even from their mother and father. For many, that is where it starts. If, as a child, you grow up not being loved and only knowing pain and abuse, how can you possibly be expected to know how to do "normal". And then you throw in counsellors and religous organizations telling you to stay, it's your "job" to make this work, it's your fault, even.... It's a no-win situation, very difficult, very hard for the lucky ones who've never had to endure such a thing to understand. Please have empathy and know that it really is not a "choice" any of us would voluntarily make.

gr8rnpjt, RN · Nov 23, 2005

Your posts have all been very inspirational. OP, make room for me, I'm coming to AZ! (just kidding) Smilingblueeyes(deb) your story touched my spirit, it is so close to my own. I am currently living in hell with my second husband, an addict. We had similar backgrounds (both severely abused by parents -my mom, his dad) When I became a mother, I knew instinctively I would not be physically violent with my children. It was so easy to break the cycle of abuse, I was fully unaware that anyone who had suffered abuse as a child would ever turn on their own children). My second husband has been terrorizing me for 5 years. Very seldom physically violent, however heavy couch cushions are his weapon of choice--try telling the police your husband was hitting you with pillows--sounds so silly) I have chronic back pain so I am constantly hiding my meds from my own husband. Oftentimes he tries to bully me out of them. At times he has found and taken what he wants. I am left without my meds for several days before I can get a refill. No sympathy from him. I have 3 girls from my first marriage. Two are grown, neither one likes to visit. They both hate my husband, one stays away, one comes to visit occasionally but lives on the opposite side of the US. My 13 yr old daughter from my first marriage just came home after staying with her Dad for a month. I had to get a court order to have him return her to me. Although she loves living with me she says she hates living with my husband and would rather not be here, But at the time she left I had been separated from my husband for 2 weeks when she left. she just didnt believe I would not have him come back. She came home last friday and told me she still wants to lilve with her father. She hates my husband and he hates her. there is no physical violence, but he is an angry man, all the time every day. She cant stand it and neither can I. A week before she came back, he moved back in, although I had said no, i did not want him home. I made appointments for everyone for counseling. My son has been physically abused by him. My husband now says his dad was a saint for beating him so hard. My son hits pinches, kicks and swears just like his dad. Dad blames me because I am too soft. If he is mad at my son, when I come home for work, I have to be mad too. my son is only 3 years old, when I get home I usually get on the floor and play with him for a while. I am not allowed to do that if dad is mad. I have to be mad too, no games, toys,or stories.

This morning I said, "Billy, I have no family left because of you. No one likes you, no one can live with you. No one can make you happy, because you are miserable. I am not going to lose my daughter because of you. I would rather have you gone than all of my kids. My choice is: being alone with you for the rest of my life,have no family or friends, because no one likes to be around you, or, Having all my family with me and you gone. I want my family. not you."

What did he say, he tried to blame everyone else for his problems. Everything is my fault, and my kids, because they dont respect him. I said no one is going to respect you when you dont respect them, it is a 2 way street. He said that my children should be making him feel comfortable, not the other way around. He said he is tired of me trying to make him feel bad about himself. He said he knows he is a good man and a good person, and he will find a good woman and have a wonderful life while I am miserable and all alone.

I said I hope he does find someone else. because when that relationship fails,maybe he will start to see the pattern. maybe then he will see it is not them, but maybe it is him after all.

And I said I will never be alone, I have my four children. That is all I need.

What I want you all to know, is that I have never said, come back I need you. He always just came back and said I am back. That is it. These last few months since I had him arrested for leaving welts on my son, I have not once said please come back.

But I have the house, and I have a good job, so my husband doesnt really want to be on his own. He would rather be taken care of.

But he can't even be nice at all. every day is another day of angry words, insults, put downs, my stomach in knots wondering what is happening at home while I am trying to make a living. Enough! I had enough. I am done.

When I had met him, I felt a kinship, since we had both been abused. I never thought he would want to be violent with his own child. I told him from the day I met him, that I dont believe in physical violence.

I just never saw it coming. I thought he would have similar feelings on raising children, and loving children.

Thanks for the thread, I needed to get it out. I don't know how this will end, but I know what I need to do.:stone

Katillac, RN · Nov 23, 2005

So, Bipley, do you understand better now why these women don't "just" get up and leave?

To the women who have bravely shared their stories in an effort to educate, thank you.

When I went in to the ER to have my injuries documented, the radiology tech looked at me and in an excited voice asked, "Does he do this to you all the time?" I felt numb, and cold, and really pissed off, and it was the wrong question to ask. I answered, "What does that question have to do with the imaging you're supposed to be doing?" She never said another word to me other than what was necessary to position me.

jnette, ASN, EMT-I · Nov 23, 2005

The one time I actually "got to go" to the ER was when I was thrown down the steps and fractured my leg. This was pre OJ Simpson by about a year, and not many questions were yet being asked.

Had I been a nurse at the time with me as her patient, I would have recognized DV immediately just by the demeanor and facial expression... the sunken, hollow, and hopeless eyes. The lowering of the eyes when addressed, and the timidness.. yes me.. timid. (can you IMAGINE??? )

I'd put a "rotfl" here, but it really wasn't/isn't funny in the least.

My abuser (of course) stood right there with me and answered all the questions in my place. :rolleyes: Nothing was ever questioned or offered to me in the way of assistance.. don't know that I would have ecaped him even THEN unless I had been directly removed by the authorities. I did not have the liberty to persue my freedom, to step out of his shadow at any time.

I'm comforted to know that much is now being done to intervene in the medical field, and that nurses play a HUGE role in recognizing and being able to addresse DV today. There remains much yet to be done. Help continues to be less available in some geographical areas of the country. Here is certainly one of them.

Remember that some women end up with two choices when they reach the end of their tolerance... to kill or be killed.

I came too close to both.

I know that some might ask.. "why not scream out for help in public, or out of a car window" ?

When your abusor has made good on all his threats and promises in the past, and looks you coldly and squarely in the eye (picking up on your thoughts) and tells you that he will spill your brains on the sidewalk before the cops ever arrive on the scene to help... you just remain numbed. You are frozen in place and time, and you hate yourself for it. You sink deeper and deeper into despair.

Tread lightly, those of you who question or doubt. Tread lightly.