Please help me understand/Domestic Violence Question

[Bipley]

First of all I have to say that my on line persona doesn't even compare to my real time personality. Writing never has been my thing, I can never get the words from my brain to my typing fingers while conveying the same compassion I am feeling. People who have never met me in real time and only know me on line, they laugh the first time they meet me. My writing style simply does not show my real time personality. So if I come off as being a harda@@, honestly I don't mean it that way.

Domestic violence, I don't get it. I'm one of those who believe that we can never really understand and relate to a handful of scenarios unless we experience them first hand. My parents were both alcoholics, I firmly believe one cannot understand alcoholism unless one IS an alcoholic. We can certainly have empathy and even sympathy for certain problems but can we *really* honestly relate and understand unless we walk in those same shoes?

Domestic violence. This has been something that I have never been able to get a grasp on. I have worked ER, Trauma, ICU/CCU, the works. I've been a nurse for over 20 years. While I can feel empathy with these folks I still don't get it. Why in the world would a woman (or man) want to stay with an abusive spouse? Financial issues only go so far. There is welfare, Medicaid, various forms of financial help. What about children? How can someone justify allowing their children to watch abusive parents for the sake of finances? Sure, it's easy for me to talk, I have no children. I never thought I would make a fantastic parent so I never had them. That's the most important job in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD! How can someone screw it up??? Teaching children what marriage is by beating the crap out of one or the other... what kind of role model is that?

If you stick your hand on a hot stove and it hurts, DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! If your spouse is pounding the crap out of you, DON'T LET HIM/HER DO THAT ANYMORE! Why is this such a difficult concept? Yes, I know... finances, stability, home, .... but what is worth your life? Obviously, something. How many men and women die annually because of having the ever lov'en crap beat out of them by their spouse? It isn't like it's the first time it has happened.

What makes any person believe they are loved when they are being pounded on? Obviously, this is NOT a matter of common sense but something very different. What *is* that very different thing?

There is a thread about why some nurses stay after their shift is over and a few have discussed abusive home lives. That got me to thinking about this issue again. This is something I have simply never been able to wrap my brain around and I'm hoping someone can explain it.

Is there anyone out there that has been in such a relationship and since gotten out? Can you explain this to me? Honestly, I'm not a heartless big 'ol meanie, I just don't get it, but I want to understand. On COPS recently there was a clip where a man was pounding on another man. His justification... "He ain't married to my sister and nobody who isn't married to her hits her." ??????????????????

Maybe the more important question is... is there anyone out there that is IN an abusive relationship that wants out? While you are MORE than welcome to live in my home to escape your relationship, I hope you explain to me why you have permitted this for "X" amount of time. And I sincerely mean this, if any abused medical person wants out and needs a place to stay, Arizona has open arms. More specifically, my home is yours. Just please explain to me why you stayed as long as you did.

Seriously, can someone open my eyes to this issue? I really don't get it. I'm willing to be a solution to the problem, I just want to understand the problem.

[widow2RN]

change your thoughts=change your life.

love that saying, jnette!

that saying reminds me of another i heard before...

sow a thought... reap an action.

sow an action... reap a habit.

sow a habit... reap a lifestyle.

sow a lifestyle... reap your destiny.

it all began with how we allowed ourself to think. like they say... if you think on something long enough... you'll eventually do it.

keep up the wisdom!

[jnette, ASN, EMT-I]

Thanks, Jnette! Great to hear from someone who can relate. I'm just wondering... when you weren't raised to be prepared for such abuse... can you recall how your family (parents, siblings, etc) reacted when you found yourself in the middle of the nightmare???

:icon_hug: Hugs to a fellow-victor!

Heh... well, I never had the luxury of making a phone call. If anyone called me, he was at the earpiece with me, listening to every word, breathing down my neck. I had to pretend I was doing just FINE at all times.

Again, I was never to be out of his sight at ANY time. As I said, I wasn't even allowed to take a shower by myself.

This was more than just the "average" abusive realtionship (if there IS anything "average" about such).. this was sick, sick, sick. :stone

But I do remember how shocked, infuriated, insulted, and outraged I was the very first time I was puched in the ear. I could not BELEIVE it !!!

Right then and there I was "outta here" as one might expect, and headed to the door....but that "outta here" was to never happen and he made it painfully clear in ways I do not wish to go into in any more depth than I already have.

I was literally a prisoner for three years.

[Pray]

I came from a family who couldn't be more loving. My dad is the BEST and my mother, siblings are all great. My sister and brother both have good marriages. Then there is me. I truly think that I never met anyone that would hurt another person and that is why I did not recognize it at first. Then, once I recognized what was going on, I denied it- basically because of the embarrassment of not being able to make the marriage work and be good like what I had seen all my life. By the time I wanted out, I was completely attached to my three step children and to my husband's sister, brother, etc.

Well, fast forward 15 years to now, I left about two months ago now, and have filed for divorce. Fortunately my family is still there for me. I have a good job, but even so, without the cash handout I needed from dad to pay all the deposits everyone wants I instantly could see how some women do not have any choice. I got a flat tire and in the state of mind I was in leaving, trying to cope with wasting 15 years of my life, feeling sorry for myself- etc, it occured to me that if I had no help, one flat tire or similar expense could make a woman think she had to go back to where she had someone to help her. I know that sounds crazy, but after listening to the stupid logic day in and day out of how much the abuser loves you, etc. it crosses your mind that maybe you do need him. Thankfully, I had my dad's good logic that outweighed what I imagined my husband would be saying.