widow2RN

I lost my husband, too, quite suddenly for me just over 7 years ago. I was only 38 at the time, and the children were 2 and 5 years old at the time. I haven't yet had the time to read all the encouraging words sent to you in these past 7 pages, but just wanted you to know that I've been there (as for the loss... my husband hemorraged here at home with me by his side, just weeks after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer.) Anyhow... I can surely understand all the after-thoughts you might have, and all the sleepless nights where visions of the last moments keep running through your head. If you ever want to, feel free to email me. I'll gladly give you my regular email. God bless you and your children, Lisa

This is probably my most favorite site yet. I graduated in May in Nursing with an ADN, passed my NCLEX in August, but have gone on for more pre-req's for the BSN at this time.... eager to start working... but in the meantime... now that I AM licensed as an RN... I'd rather (be): Continue to stay-at-home with my children (despite my late husband's death) A best-selling author of fiction An attorney representing abused women or children A forensic scientist who can solve any crime A mental health psychologist... gosh, I LOVE to analyze! An educator of public school... too bad the pay is lousy... A small business owner of a line of clothing for women in my area that beats Walmart crap... I'd like to teach on a college level... time to give back in a BETTER way than what I went through in the nursing program... And, finally... I wish to develop the "right side" of my brain, and learn to do something artistic or heck... just to develop a "talent" that I'm good at... (this right-sided problem is what is making "speech" class so hard for me right now....)....

I think it depends on her reasons for wanting it myself... I know you feel you must be careful to make a decision that young for her. But, for me... I lived in the "topic" all my life regarding the size (small, underdeveloped) of my breasts.... and now that I have had it done in my 40s... I wish I had had it done in my 20s!... But, other than that... I cannot advise you on the age of 18 for that decision. Maybe you can make a deal with your daughter... that on her graduation from COLLEGE... you'll be HAPPY to give her that gift if she still wants it!... Just a thought from my own personal life perspective...

I have enjoyed your input! I have had inplants myself, but mine are saline. Like you, I was only a "nearly A" cup before and had spent my life hearing relatives "talk" about my flat chestedness... I and my husband had talked about it. He was going to give that gift to me on my 40th b-day, but he passed away from lung cancer at age 40 when I was stilll only 38 (going on 39)... so, at age 41 I gave his gift to myself and was in college for the first time by then... now, I'm in 4th semester of the nursing program. I have NO REGRETS for doing it, although I will admit that I "hold them together" often when I'm bra-less, cause I just hate to feel that feeling of them going aside (which I never had before). But, when I did it... it had NOTHING by then to do with a man... only me... and my own desires... and desires to wear shirts and clothes that I could never wear before, and now I can! It's finally nice to have CLEAVAGE! It's finally nice to FEEL like what society makes us feel like we SHOULD feel as a woman. It's finally nice NOT to be the subject of family discussions anymore... no regrets whatsoever! The only thing I'll hang my head and admit to... is that I've not yet had the courage to trust the technician with the mammogram... I live in a small town and can still imagine the "expertise" in this area not being as prepared as what I would come to trust. :sofahider

Amen to that! As that past patient... I will admit that it was the CNAs and the LPNs I remember most (except for ICU)... but on the regular floor, I only rarely saw the RN. Hats off to all CNAs and LPNs who do the MOST to truly make the patient feel good while they are away from the homes they miss and love!!! :thankya:

LOL Thanks, Marylou! I'm still in the throes of just getting to that profession, but although I've never worked in healthcare before the nursing program as a CNA or LPN, I HAVE been a patient. Both ICU and otherwise... and being a patient is sometimes the best experience on how things are viewed from the side of our everyday needs... no matter who does it... they are still our "hero"

I like acronyms as well... and I agree with you (though I'm still a student)... edited for TOS compliance.

I'm about to start my 4th semester in an ADN nursing program. Why did I choose nursing? I was a stay-at-home mom per choice. My husband died at age 40 (I was 38 at the time) from lung cancer. I live in a small town and in a county with very few job opportunities. I was 40 at the time I first started college. I needed a career that had the least "age-discrimination" with the best paying-opportunity to support my children. Me? I never personally grew up wanting to be a nurse. When younger... my dreams or ideals was probably more in psychology or becoming a "best seller" author. But now... I'm practical-minded and chosing my career via what is best available to me educational-wise as well as location-wise. Call me one who believes in the notion of becoming a great nurse albeit I never felt the "calling" or the "life-long dream." For me... I'm one who believes that any of us can be the best at whatever we CHOOSE to go into. Does this mean that nursing was my life-long dream? No.... but, now that I'm here and choosing it... I DO believe and CHOOSE to be the BEST at what I am becoming. Sometimes we don't find a career based on childhood desires... sometimes we find a career based on need and opportunity. But, we ALL have the choice of becoming the BEST at what we choose... or what life may direct us towards. As the old saying goes.... when life dishes out to you lemons.... make lemonaid!... That's what I'm doing...

Hi Tnvolmom, I am really happy that you decided to post on here. :yelclap: You have a great testimony on going on to be a great nurse despite the problem with the tremor. I, too, have never yet received a negative reponse or even concern from a patient, and after this was first written up on me, I went back to clinical rotation that week and was finally given my first opportunity (on someone else's patient) to do my very first blood draw. I was very nervous, too, cause it was a very pleasant elderly woman and I had already heard stories on how fragile their veins can be and how easily they sometimes roll or blow. But, with my clinical instructor looking on, I picked my vein in the antecubital area with her agreement of it looking like a good spot, got my butterfly needle ready and in hand and went for it. Wow... imagine my thrill when I got flashback on the very first stick! I really needed that boost at that point, too! She told me later that even though she still noticed me shaking just slightly, that I still did it! I think we were both proud at that moment cause she was already bothered with the surprise of not ever realizing the faculty would make such an issue out of this as well as how they misrepresented the facts to warrant their concern. I have to say that since then, my best buddy in the program and I (dedicated students that we are :biere: ) decided to meet at the lab on campus the day after our final exam was over (our Christmas break has just started, so you can bet none of the other students were going to be back there on campus), but they we were... me wanted to practice IV sticks on the rubber arm again, her wanting to get more experience with the IV pump that gave her such fits in clinicals constantly beeping and both of us agreeing to do one ONC IV start (stick) on each other for the "real life" practice. Well... during the initial time in lab at the beginning of this semester, she was one of the students that I had tried 3 DIFFERENT TIMES to hit her vein and never could... and this day, I got her also on my first stick! So, I have no doubt that if I can get past the scrutinizing judgments of the nursing instructors and just get out there one day as an RN and start getting some REAL experience in doing these skills over and over till I can do them in my sleep... well, I know I can be a good nurse! I truly believe that. I just got to get over these hurdles first in the meantime. So, thank you, and thank all who has posted here about their own personal experiences with shaky hands. You wonderful people make such a big difference to those of us still in school and having this viewed as a "potential problem" in building our confidence that... Yes, Virginia... there ARE good nurses despite shaky hands! :Santa2: Merry Christmas to all... and to all a good night! :icon_wink

5 more months... sometimes seems like FOREVER, doesn't it? (Actually, about this time, I feel like I've been in the program forever already!) Cheers to you for making it this far! :cheers: And, may the next 5 months go by for you quickly and may it be NOTHING like 3rd semester (hopefully!)

I appreciate reading threads like this. I'm in 3rd semester of the nursing program (almost over), but I was written up this semester to appear before faculty because of a) observation by my clinical instructor of my shakiness and b) telling my clinical instructor that I did not know that it was only merely nerves but that I might have a bit of a shake normally. (Don't EVER say that when in school!!) When they wrote me up for it they took other problems that happened that night (like the problem with the Bridge on computer before being able to complete my med administration) and mispresenented those facts as having to do with my shaking. Absolutely not true! I actually came very close to dropping the program at that time, but my wonderful class instructor/advisor talked me out of it and told me to write a rebuttal instead (which I did). Even though I passed initial IV start check-offs, that write up caused me to have to go before the worst member of faculty to show her again. After a bout of instructor intimidation (IMHO was an example of what I've already read on previous posts about "hazing" in nursing school), was told by her that she was "satisfied" and for me to practice a lot in the future on using "techniques" to stabalize my shaking. All that said... I just want to point out that my "shakiness" was minimal... enough to see with the eye, but nothing like parkinson's tremor or something like that. I was even told that I was treating this like it wasn't a "problem" to which I responded that though you can see a slight tremor of my hands.... still... if a) sterile technique is not broken and nothing contaminated and b) the job gets done... then what IS the problem???? I was told it could be a "potential future problem." I'm just glad to read it here and see for myself that even people with a slight shakiness are still able to become good nurses. Cause after seeing this totally "blown out of the water" with faculty in my nursing program... I just about gave up. My advisor told me that I was doing great on my test scores... and I told her at the time "So what? What good does that do when I feel my PHYSICAL ABILITY of being suited to nursing is being questioned by my instructors? How can I fight against that??" But... so far... I guess I've done just that. Fought and stood and still standing so far... Now... on to 4th semester and the challenge of getting through management (time managment and delegation)! God help me for 5 more months!

change your thoughts=change your life. love that saying, jnette! that saying reminds me of another i heard before... sow a thought... reap an action. sow an action... reap a habit. sow a habit... reap a lifestyle. sow a lifestyle... reap your destiny. it all began with how we allowed ourself to think. like they say... if you think on something long enough... you'll eventually do it. keep up the wisdom!

Thanks, Jnette! Great to hear from someone who can relate. I'm just wondering... when you weren't raised to be prepared for such abuse... can you recall how your family (parents, siblings, etc) reacted when you found yourself in the middle of the nightmare??? :icon_hug: Hugs to a fellow-victor!

Hi Bipley, Thanks for your response and sharing of your childhood. I'm also sorry to see this thread take some negative turns for you since I was last online. I can relate to your personality type. I certainly was not the "complacent" child in my own family, but more the blunt, outspoken type. I'm very sad to hear of how your mother used such manipulative threats in attempt to get you to do as you were told. Actually, I can't imagine what that felt like for you. My parents were good parents. I did get the occasional spanking with a belt on my hindside, but by no means nothing to the point of becoming abuse. My mom was VERY supportive of me, gave me lots of praise, and was in many ways like my best friend. Dad was a good dad, he just wasn't the type of man who would or knew how to give praise or hugs and such. He was a "worrier" and always seem to see the "negative" rather than the "positive"... even about me. But, my dad made a good living and was a good provider for his family. So, I think of some of the things that you endured growing up. I do believe that the very bent of our personality can indeed be a factor what we develop "strengths" to and in what areas we develop those strengths. In my case, I think the abusive relationship happened with me because I was pretty much "blind-sided" with it in my life. Never before had I been prepared for such as this. This was treatment that was totally "new" to me, but as others have posted here, had the slap or hitting just happened suddenly, I think the individual strength and independant "power" to end it would come easier, but instead, by the time the hitting starts, they have already slowly and subtlely beaten you down emotionally and mentally in many other ways before they ever lay a physical hand on you. I certainly would have considered myself as being the type of personality who would have NEVER found herself in this situation, but, there I was... for 4 years anyway. I wonder, Bipley, if it could be possible that what you endured and saw as a child did play a part within your own natural personality of developing your own inner strengths to recognize the signs of the abusive type of person and prevent your life at this point from ever becoming victim to it? I know, for me, that the experiences of the 4 years I spent with my abusive spouse changed me for "the better." Rather than blame, I learned acceptance. Rather than becoming bitter, I chose to become better from it. Like you, I now feel that I can spot the arrogant, abusive type a mile down the road. And, there is a wisdom and knowledge learned about both MYSELF and the abusive type man that has made me into a stronger person who would NEVER again allow myself to be treated that way. It's kind of an interesting two-sided coin. Cause, on one hand, I learned that I COULD indeed find myself being the abused woman at a time when I would have thought I could SWEAR that would NEVER happen to me. On the other side, however, at this point in my life, I also feel that sometimes we go through experiences that truly become life-lessons for us. Inwardly, we truly draw up those life-commitment boundaries of what wrong we would never do again or what wrong never to allow again done to us. Perhaps, this is just one of those areas in your life where you saw and experienced enough when younger to have those boundaries already laid down for your adult life. If so... I applaud you for that! I don't believe that is something to attack or insult you for, because I myself completely understand the total difference it makes for us when these lines are drawn with such determination that it can be written in stone. The very strength I found that so changed me at the end of all this now makes it hard to understand why some never get out of these relationships. I do know that fear, intimidation, threatening other loved ones, and oh boy!, the total CONTROL they take over everything certainly doesn't make it easy for the woman to get out of it. But, I also know that it CAN be done, because I did it. Again, I applaud you for the strength you already have in this area! I would say don't try so much to understand WHY the women stay and allow this to continue (because that would be like us women trying to understand HOW a man thinks... ha!... when you've never walked in the shoes, you just CAN'T really understand).... but, instead take understanding in what she needs from those of us on the outside of it. She needs someone to listen and not judge her. She needs someone to believe in her and treat her with the worth and respect she has as a human being (above that treatment she gets already of being a "possession" and not a valued equal person). And, if you can ever talk her into going to group meetings at a women's shelter... it can be a real EYE-OPENER to her to realize that she can for once see herself and her own life just from hearing the testimonies of other women from the OUTSIDE for a change, and begin to FEEL those strong emotions of how that other woman does NOT deserve the treatment that she's receiving... and finally, perhaps realize that she IS that other woman. When her heart realizes the self-worth in other women who has gone through identical experiences as her own... sometimes it helps open her own eyes to her own self-worth, and that can be a beginning step toward change and personal freedom. Sometimes we don't understand when people don't make choices to create a positive change when it seems like such a "given" to us. But, just keep reinforcing to those women that they do have a choice. It can be a "path" in itself for the woman to find the strength within herself to make that choice and face the fears of acting on that choice. And, it can also be just as equal of a challenge for us to realize that even when we TRY to help, we sometimes have to respect their choice when they keep going back. Peace! :wink2:

Bipley... you sound confident. You sound as if you've already learned how to believe in yourself and be your own best friend when needed. That's such a wonderful thing, and I hope that I'm right in assessing you that way. But, many women were not raised to have that confidence in themselves... many women have found themselves with very low self-esteems still seeking somthing to "qualify" themselves as "worthy" as they've never heard it (from their dad or whatever). Some smooth-talker comes along and he knows the balance between giving her what she has so longed for while beginning to lay the foundation of being in "control" upon her life from the beginning. Hindsight is 20/20, but she is so taken by the "special" way he treats her that she doesn't see the many "red flags" going up like a parade in a bull rodeo. Next thing you know, they say their "I do's." Okay... now this is the way that I can understand it. Anyone of us women knows that just the thought of being slapped around would make any one of us wonder why one would stay and allow that to continue. But, it simply doesn't start that way. Actually... it started when they were dating and he was still being "sweet." But, it was that comment he made to her on the first date of going to that place that she was accustomed to that he would prefer that she didn't talk to her male friends while she was out with him that was the first building block in what was to come. She, of course, not wanting to be mis-understood during this date was taken aback some, but sweetly agreed to not let that be a problem for him. By the time they are married... it starts almost immediately. Not the physical abuse... but, the emotional and mental abuse. He tears her down with his words, makes her constantly doubt herself even more than she did before (with her low-self-esteem), and ONLY when that has started taken its toll on her and putting her in a postion of "trying to do better" does the physical abuse start. It doesn't start on a regular basis, but only regular enough to keep her confused and lost within this new experience going on in her life. And, of course, each time, he blames her. "If you hadn't have done this or said that or acting this way... I never would have hit you." He is EXPERT at keeping the focus off of HIM as being the problem and making her focus on herself. She's already lived a life of trying to do something praise-worthy, so these words only serve to make her feel that it's her and she has to try still harder. Leap forward now with me to the day when this has now become the "norm" in her life. Keep in mind that this controlling guy has managed to halt all normal relationships between this woman and her family and friends. She can't HAVE a regular relationship with them because he either demands all her time or he interrogates her after every visit forcing her to assure him that she didn't talk about him and wanting a play-by-play of any conversation she's had with them. By this time, she is waking up in the mornings and looking in the mirror at herself and wondering who she really is... she has lost herself... literally. She can no longer remember what she was like before this relationship began. Did she have a sense of humor and laugh a lot? (Can't remember...) This loss of self-identity only intensifies the messages that she has now been hearing from him for a while now. She is worthless, can't do anything right, etc. But, even when the day comes that she gets a glimpse within herself that maybe HE has the problem... by then she realizes with what a psychopath she lives with... he threatens her life... he threatens her children... he threatens her family... She has TRIED calling the police in the past, but they either tell her they can't do anything because she doesn't have any physical marks or they tell her in the home that's in her name only that they can only give her 5 minutes to get her stuff and get out of her own home, cause it wouldn't do any good to make him leave, cause he could always come back later, so better that they stay long enough that she leave. She no longer has her own well-being to think of, she is living a balancing act of living hell of also trying to protect those she loves as well. And, she'll be DAMNED if she allows him to do to her family what he has done to her. But... who will help? Who will listen? Oftentimes, her cry is unheeded or at most left a major disappointment to her. So, tell me... have YOU ever felt backed into a corner with no one to help you? Have you ever felt that you had to take "whatever" upon yourself just to protect those you love? I think of those who like frog legs. I've heard that those frogs... they are put into regular water and slowly brought to a boil. If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, he will jump out. But if you place a frog into a pot of cold water and and turn the heat on low, it will float there quite placidly. As the water gradually heats up, the frog will sink into a tranquil stupor, exactly like one of us in a hot tub, and before long, with a smile on its face, it will unresistingly allow itself to be boiled to death Same with the abused woman... the abuse starts out so slowly that they are already in boiling water before they realize any danger. And, by then... they've already tried calling for help to no avail (legally), and now have others to think about, not just themselves. Be THANKFUL if you were raised with the support and praise to believe in yourself and not settle! Some were not and have either had to grow and change the hard way... or possibly still finding themselves a slave to what they got sucked into at one time by a smooth-talking (yet controlling) guy. I hope this helps to give you a little more insight and understanding into this very real problem!