please help

jessiern, BSN, RN · Mar 13, 2008

I'm going to leave the financial advice to other posters that may be more knowledge than I am. First, If you feel this way about your marriage, you should talk to your husband. You must have loved him at some point to have married him. His "blank emotions" may be a sign of depression, or he may feel unimportant since you started school. You may benifit from marriage counsling. I think if you say those vows, you should try everything before you give up on it.

If you try, and you still can't cope in the marriage, then I do not think under any circumstance that you should stay in the marriage just becuase he has a paycheck, even if that means you have to put off school. That would be using him, and that isn't right. I saw many students do that while I was in nursing school, and it isn't right to use someone like that.

Anyway, I wish you the best. You do deserve to be happy. That's just my :twocents:

pagandeva2000, LPN · Mar 13, 2008

Hard to say. If he is not abusing you or your children frequently, then, maybe this can be dealt with temporarily. Nursing school itself can be so time consuming and to embark on this now may stress you out even more. Does he help with child care? Again, if he does, then, maybe just complete this program before you make rash decisions.

Did your relationship take a turn for the worse when you actually started school? Many times, I have seen marriages and relationships end when people go to nursing or medical school, because the spouses just cannot identify with what we go through. Sometimes, nursing students become very close to their classmates-even those of the opposite sex ...not for sexual purposes, but because it is hard to survive nursing school alone. There are some jealous spouses that can't handle that, either. If it changed because of your attention to school, maybe it can change again for the better when you get out. Good luck.

jennifers · Mar 13, 2008

thanks for listening everyone. I had a bad first day orientation and i'm super stressed. He has no idea what to say and doesnt understand since he is not in the med field. A lot of this strain is we never see each other much. I think a lot of this started when i went back to school...and now adding a tech job on to our already busy lives has complicated things more. He does tell me how proud he is of me and if i want i can work part time when i graduate. Its frustrating knowing even if i did want to leave I couldnt because I dont have any money. WE have some but being a stay at home mom for 5 years i dont feel like its mine. I just got done talking to him for a little bit and feel a little better. maybe i'm the one that needs some paxil. lol

ebear, BSN, RN · Mar 13, 2008

Hmmm.....Is he taking Paxil?? Paxil can cause a very "flat" affect in some people. Could that be part of the problem??

walk6miles · Mar 13, 2008

Okay - de ja vue for me while reading your post.

I, too, left my husband (twice, actually) - once at 11 years - stayed away 1 yr but let him talk me into moving back to a place I never appreciated; big mistake (tigers do not change their stripes).... all his promises (just like your husband - cool, aloft, emotionless) went by the wayside. At least your husband is proud of you!

Went to nursing school (paid my own way - kept part time position).... 7 years later I packed up and left - he only noticed when the moving van pulled up front (that is the honest-to-God-truth) to load my belongings.

Fast forward to now: been a nurse a long time with lots of wonderful experience. Am comfortable in my position and with my life.

We remained friends until recently (old, old money issue) and I miss his friendship - his buddy tells him not to talk to me. Pity.

My advice is this: talk, talk, talk, either with professional help or not, but see if you can find something to save your marriage.

If, however, you know you tried your best - follow your heart (as much as you can with 2 little ones).

TazziRN, RN · Mar 13, 2008

I would strongly suggest counseling, based on what you've said.

Miami NightNurse · Mar 13, 2008

Jennifers I agree with Jessie. Talk to him. It's hard on a couple when one of them is in school.

SillyStudent, ASN, RN · Mar 13, 2008

thanks for listening everyone. I had a bad first day orientation and i'm super stressed. He has no idea what to say and doesnt understand since he is not in the med field. A lot of this strain is we never see each other much. I think a lot of this started when i went back to school...and now adding a tech job on to our already busy lives has complicated things more. He does tell me how proud he is of me and if i want i can work part time when i graduate. Its frustrating knowing even if i did want to leave I couldnt because I dont have any money. WE have some but being a stay at home mom for 5 years i dont feel like its mine. I just got done talking to him for a little bit and feel a little better. maybe i'm the one that needs some paxil. lol

Jennifer:

My marriage was terrible the entire time I was in college. I graduated, and things are 100% better.

I was an emotional wreck for 3.5 years when I was in school. I worked 12 hr nights, full time. We NEVER saw each other, had NO money, and all I did was school-school-school. We have two children, and any emotions we had left were 'spent' on them. I am not saying that your feelings are not valid, but I do encourage you to either seek marriage counseling or at least open a dialogue with him. Nursing school completely sucks the life out of you.

However, I used to be a low income housing property manager. You can apply for housing based on your income level at several private apartment communities in most states. Call the same office that would provide food stamps or TANF. They will most likely have information about *write this down* Tax Credit or LIHTC properties in your area. They base the price on your income, and some of them are extremely nice apartments in good areas. Some are not, so be careful.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

:twocents:

pagandeva2000, LPN · Mar 13, 2008

thanks for listening everyone. I had a bad first day orientation and i'm super stressed. He has no idea what to say and doesnt understand since he is not in the med field. A lot of this strain is we never see each other much. I think a lot of this started when i went back to school...and now adding a tech job on to our already busy lives has complicated things more. He does tell me how proud he is of me and if i want i can work part time when i graduate. Its frustrating knowing even if i did want to leave I couldnt because I dont have any money. WE have some but being a stay at home mom for 5 years i dont feel like its mine. I just got done talking to him for a little bit and feel a little better. maybe i'm the one that needs some paxil. lol

It sounds as if he can't identify with the process of becoming a medical professional. I know that everyone that attends college has hard times, but for entering into health care, it is far different, at least in my eyes. It is physically as well as emotionally consuming. He did say that he was proud of you, and that is a good thing.

I think about money, now. I am an LPN that earned my license in 2006. I know that my earning potential will not be the same as an RN (especially since I have no intention of becoming one) unless I work more hours. I do worry about what I would do if I didn't have my husband's salary to count on because things would be super tight for me.

I also remember how much time it took away from my family, personal interests, even my physical and emotional health to become a nurse. My husband was great about it most of the time because he has a sister that became a nurse when he was much younger. But, he did get angry a few times when the house was in total disarray and I was just either laying on the phone speaking about school or sitting in the middle of the mess. Try and be patient with him, for now, and make a decision when school is over to deal with this. Your head will be clearer.

Dorito, ASN, RN · Mar 13, 2008

I agree that some counseling may help you both. Maybe you could hook up once a week or a couple times a month for "date night" and re-connect. My Ex and I had a rough time of things while I was in school. They don't understand the amount of time you have to donate to school and studying. Best of Luck!

leslie :-D · Mar 13, 2008

nursing school tends to bring out the worst in us.

i remember thinking school, marriage, both were doomed.

my doctor put me on, i believe, prozac.

and boy, what a difference it made.

esp during nsg school, i wouldn't make any hasty and major decisions.

get a check up...

one step at a time.

wishing you the best.

leslie