Patients Say the Darnedest Things

[allnurses]

With some of the things patients say, Nurses sometimes wonder if they are on a hidden camera TV show! Weird, wacky or even touching, those phrases stick with us. Think of your favorite thing a patient has said, submit it in the comments below and you'll be entered to win a $250 amazon.com gift card!

Winner will be announced May 16, 2017

UPDATE June 5, 2017

The winner of the $250 amazon.com gift card for favorite thing a patient has said from allnurses.com is user jndmj30 for:

Nurse: "do you check your blood sugar at home?"

Patient:"I used to but all it ever said was High"

Congratulations!

2017 National Nurses Week - 7 Days of Giveaways

[BeckyESRN]

My favorite patients of all time once said to me "my legs have been swollen for months and I haven't been able to tie my shoes in weeks, but once my johnson started to swell up I knew something was wrong"

[NotAllWhoWandeRN, ASN, RN]

You never know when you're going to slip on a roller skate and land on something long and cylindrical.

[Cnowlin87]

I'm here for my scheduled seduction (sedation).”

[carman1969]

While I was a nursing clinical instructor I had a nursing student who was very nervous about cathing an elderly male client. After a lot of coaching she was still shaking but was able to accomplish the task. As she left the room she turned to the client and stated " Thank you Mr. member". Poor old man laughed so hard I thought we would have to call a code.

[OBnurseFisk]

I have a preterm pregnant gal, that has been having contractions and gave her instructions to take it easy the next couple days. She responds with "Ok, but is it ok to have Animal Sex?" I swallowed and hesitantly asked, "What is animal sex?" She smiled and said "you know, where the guy comes at you from behind" I had no response!! 😳

[WineRN]

I had a pt who kept taking off his leads and making a smiley face on his stomach, because "It seems like this is the only smile I can get in this place."

[JennyMac]

Older lady who had received a certain medication earlier in her stay with positive results. Wants same medication, but it is now contraindicated for this patient, for reasons I can't remember.

Patient: "Ya'll are giving me everything but the kitchen sink!!! BUT I WANT THE KITCHEN SINK!!!!!"

"It's like it was Halloween, I got my candy, and now you're telling me Halloween's over!"

[Beckybart]

I have a pt in long term care who is constantly licking her hand and putting the saliva on her feet. I asked her why she did this. Her response was " I am not able to walk so father God gave me a special power and I need to put this solution (spit) on my feet and I am able to fly. Today I'm going to Texas to see my ex husband, ozzy Osborne, would you like to join me" I could only look at her smile and decline the offer to fly with her with her magic spit.

[Nurse in MT]

From a 7 year-old:

"The quarter isn't in me anymore."

[CKAYTHOMAS]

We have a slightly awkward and always serious young doctor that is known to wear burgundy scrubs which is what the ED techs wear in the ER. She came into an older man's room for his initial exam and he said "you're the CNA you're wearing burgundy" and the doctor gives him a serious almost offended look and stated "I went to so and so medical school, I am the emergency physician today." He said "whatever you say lady" and the rest of the time he was in the ER he would say refer to her as the "doctor" using his hands as quotation marks LOL.

[C0SM0]

During my OB rotation we had a 17 year old year old primigravida patient.

"Is there a pill I can take to make sure I have a girl."

[Jlswims]

"When are you gonna go to school and get a real job?" To which I replied, "Sir, I have 2 masters degrees and a bachelors degree. This is my real job that I worked very hard for." His response, "thank you" and kissed my hand.