Overly sensitive, or bullying/inappropriate behavior?

[evilolive07, BSN]

This past Friday November 3rd, I had an experience with a member of my upper management team that left me in tears, and questioning whether or not I want to stay in my hospital system or leave the career altogether. 

I was about to take my lunch break when my program director approached me and asked if I would have a few minutes to chat today. Historically we have had a good working relationship, she keeps an open door, and has been very approachable. Based on our history, and other issues that have been occurring in the office, I told her that I had time as I hadn't yet started my break. We close the door to her office and she began by asking me how I have been doing. I responded that I've been better, and was just getting over a chest cold, for which I had to take Tuesday/Wednesday off (I work 4 x 10 hour shifts a week). 

She continued by stating that is actually why she called me into her office. She stated that the amount of PTO I have taken this year, specifically sick call-outs has "gotten ridiculous." At this point I quickly realized that this meeting was not going in the direction I had planned, and immediately became tense and defensive.

As some back story, this has personally been the worst year of my 15 years in nursing. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer early in the year and I returned home at one point to support her s/p lumpectomy. In the Spring, I began having GI issues and learned that I have a wheat/gluten intolerance. Over Memorial Day weekend my 36 year old younger sister died of complications from long-term alcoholism. My bereavement time was spent cleaning out her hoarder-like apartment with my father, and rescuing her cat (which was extremely traumatic). I traveled for the first time in three years in July and developed COVID-19 on my last day,  requiring me to take additional PTO to quarantine (as pandemic was declared over, and my personal time had to be used to cover the required time off).  I've had food poisoning one day, a GI bug in August, and most recently this chest cold. I make good money but I am living paycheck to paycheck during this awful inflation period. I'm the breadwinner in my home and cover the majority of the home expenses. Needless to say my body has been under an immense amount of stress, which I feel is the cause for the multiple illnesses I've experienced this year. 

I was taken aback by the verbiage that my director used during our meeting. She essentially stated that my use of PTO has been excessive, told me that "You blew through your protected sick time by March," and reinforced that my team has been quite flexible in giving me my allotted PTO (took 3 weeks of vacation, and assorted hours off for appointments, etc). She told me that "things need to improve next year," and coldly asked if I needed help from Employee/Family Relations. I am a highly sensitive person and by this point in our conversation was bawling crying out of frustration and for being completely unprepared for the conversation.

I told her that EFR could only help me if they could prevent me from getting sick. I responded to her numerous times by saying this has been the worst year of my life and that I cannot help that I have been sick this much. I explained that looking back at my 15 years of service to this system, that I have never taken as much time as I've required this year and I am equally as frustrated. She inquired if my manager had broached this topic with me, to which I responded "no." We have an attendance disciplinary process in our system (my manager has not given me any verbal or written warnings), which I am familiar with. I stated that if I was going to face discipline, I would accept it. My director told me "no disciplinary process is going to be initiated, we are going to consider this a 'counseling' session which would not be a part of my record" which to me, meant an off the record conversation. She ended our 8 minute meeting by telling me she would ensure that my manager was aware of my "counseling," and then asked me to go take a walk and get some air before I return to my duties. She asked if the other RN I was working with should take my next patient in clinic, to which I responded "no, I will take the patient." 

I went home livid, and extremely hurt. I felt as though she was questioning my personal integrity as a person, and almost insinuating that I was taking personal days instead of actual sick days (very untrue). Worst of all, I was not comfortable with her calling this a counseling session, as it felt like more of an empty threat against me than counseling. There was no sympathy or empathy in her tone or actions. No "it will be okay, don't worry about it" or pat on the shoulder on my way out. I left her office feeling unseen and confused, and utterly frustrated that this would occur two weeks before my yearly review/raise meeting. I was extremely depressed for my weekend, had some very dark moments, and ironically had to call out today and tomorrow due to testing positive for Flu A (after getting my flu shot). 

Am I overreacting or am I correct in thinking that this is a shady form of bullying to someone who has 15 years experience, maintains 2 certs and my level 2, and is on a nursing professional governance council for my hospital. 

What would you do in my shoes? I've considered filing a grievance because of this interaction, as well as writing top nursing leadership. I'm 100% considering leaving the health system altogether because of how this situation was handled. 

Best, evilolive07

 

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

I don't think it would be handled any differently elsewhere. This is pretty typical. They never usually seem to care about the past years, and only the current. I would just let it go and consider it part of the bad year. If you do decide to change employment make sure you have a new job 1st!

 

[kbrn2002, ADN, RN]

Most employers are going to have some kind of attendance policy and by your own admission you have missed a lot more work than your norm this year so no, it's not bullying. Offering you a "counseling" that won't appear in your employee record is often the first step in a progressive disciplinary process for excessive absences and/or late arrivals

[heron, ASN, RN]

Agree with both previous posters that this is not bullying. This is your manager doing her job.

I know from personal experience how it feels when the job I was hired for - full time charge nurse - had become too physically burdensome. I was lucky enough to have a manager willing to work with me by adjusting hours and, eventually, allowing adaptive equipment. Perhaps a reduction in hours would help you meet attendance requirements. Perhaps a different job is in order.

Being a highly sensitive person and having a seriously stressful life are not your manager's problems to solve. Whatever you decide to do, it's important to frame the problem in such a way that you can meet both your AND your employer's needs.

[toomuchbaloney]

You've had a bad year.  Your health is suffering.  This current employer is reaching the end of its ability to flex through your needs. You should start looking for another job, maybe 8 hour shifts.  

Good luck.  

PS... lots of us go through this difficult times, it's not necessarily a reflection of you as a nurse, just your current life. 

[evilolive07, BSN]

As an update, my social media accounts are now being targeted and reported to management. I am going to close this conversation out by saying I'm disappointed to hear that some think my uppers are correct in their actions, but will accept this as they are your opinions. I just wish there was actually a bit more compassion from those who call themselves nurses, whether they are staff or management. Goodnight and god bless. This will be my last post. 

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

evilolive07 said:

As an update, my social media accounts are now being targeted and reported to management. I am going to close this conversation out by saying I'm disappointed to hear that some think my uppers are correct in their actions, but will accept this as they are your opinions. I just wish there was actually a bit more compassion from those who call themselves nurses, whether they are staff or management. Goodnight and god bless. This will be my last post. 

I don't think anyone answered with a lack of compassion. We answered with our collective experience in the health care system. I do feel your pain and believable or not know that I have been through a similar experience following a major health crises. The difference for me is that as I was being written up for excessive tardiness. My Manager then suggested with compassion that I file for intermittent FMLA. Doing so saved my job and sanity during a chaotic time. At the end of the day, nurse managers have a unit to run and need to make sure that there are enough staff to cover the unit.  I do wish you well and if you have messaging priviledges pleae PM me for support. 

Hppy 

[heron, ASN, RN]

evilolive07 said:

As an update, my social media accounts are now being targeted and reported to management. I am going to close this conversation out by saying I'm disappointed to hear that some think my uppers are correct in their actions, but will accept this as they are your opinions. I just wish there was actually a bit more compassion from those who call themselves nurses, whether they are staff or management. Goodnight and god bless. This will be my last post. 

And here's the problem: confusing the workplace with a therapy group.

"Where's the compassion"? Really? This is bullying, pure and simple..

Where's your compassion for the coworkers who have to pick up your slack? The clients waiting for care while your coworkers do your share of the work on top of their own? The manager who has to find coverage for you over and over or risk her own job? 

Hppy is a better person than I am. 

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

Business requires you to be available for your shifts. You've had a rough year, and taking leave is understandable, but your employer wanting to be clear about needing you to be dependable is also understandable.  It sounds like all your time off was unpredictable, but if you are able to plan ahead for anything in the future, it would help. Possibly, if there's another death or illness in the family you could just say you're out for a month (or whatever you need) rather than going day by day. 

That said, some managers are just mean, and maybe you caught one of those. The nicest managers would have had a talk with you about the absences too, so no fault to her for that.

[KalipsoRed21, BSN, RN]

Nursing is not a flexible job. It is a great misfortune that businesses try to call themselves "family", I believe this leads to a great misunderstanding between employees and employers. But this is mostly for the benefit of employers, would you be likely to let family down? When you need help, they certainly don't have your back like family, do they?

While I do think this was a hard notice by your employer that they can longer be supportive of your difficulties, I don't think it was a bullying attempt....although it feels that way, because family should always have your back, right? YOUR EMPLOYER IS NOT FAMILY. So don't give them that sort of dedication. Also, with all you have going on, I would take as much FMLA as you can and start looking for part time work if you can afford to. It may help your stress level. Maybe start asking yourself what you want to do next. I've been a nurse 15 years too. I hate it and pretty much have since I started. It is a good paying profession but honestly the best people fitted for this job is not people who care or are compassionate, but people who can do tasks and shirk responsibility successfully. The people who can look at it as a job and not as a calling. Because it is all about profit and how fast you can provide the job....they aren't even concerned about like you doing a good job, much less a great job. Any care or compassion you show their patients does benefit them...you know, the one patient that will give them a good review, but they don't really care about you doing anything more than your tasks. You are nothing to your employer so quit believing it should be different. Good luck and I hope your year improves.