Hi everybody, I'm looking for some advice on dealing with another student in my class. She's a really sweet lady, and since class has started I've been helping her figure out assignments and such. She seems to really want to succeed, but really just can't seem to manage. It's not that she isn't spending time trying, but that she can't really figure anything out. As in, helping her today, she admitted she hadn't scrolled down all the way in our online course manager software (Angel, MyCourses, Blackboard, etc). She'd been working on the project for hours already. I've spent more hours helping her sort out how to do care plans, other assignments, head to toe assessments, therapeutic conversation assignments, etc. She frequently complains that she needs someone to walk her through everything so she can do it herself next time. She can't manage to get anything turned in on time. As in, we had a project due 3 weeks ago and she just now got it done, and she's just starting the project due last week. She's trying to get with Disability Resources to try and work things out.
I feel very badly for her, as she seems to have very poorly managed disabilities that are impairing her ability to succeed in school. I don't mind helping, but honestly, I would never in a million years want this woman as my nurse. Maybe as a social worker or something? She's great with talking to people and has a level of compassion that's rare.
I would feel very badly about abandoning her to her fate, but in all honestly I do not think she will pass the program without significant help (if at all), and I'm finding myself dreading her texts and calls. I know it'll be an hour of going over exactly what the teachers went over, again, and again, and in different words, and sending my own project so she can have an example. In addition, I'm getting the feeling that she wants to blame her failure to succeed on everything but her, which really frustrates me. We all have our different burdens to bear, and I'm dealing with a learning disability myself. Am I wrong to help eek her along? I think it'd be better if I found some way to tactfully stop being a crutch. But how do I do that tactfully, anyway? I've already identified myself as her hero (her words), unintentionally. It's not anything but really annoying to keep helping her figure out that A comes before B, so I feel bad abandoning her, but I don't think I should. Am I being ****** in wanting to stop giving her so much help? I would appreciate any advice y'all can give!
I love your compassion, it will serve you well. BUT, you have to work hard to get through the program yourself for one thing, and in the long run, you aren't doing her any favors. If she has a disability, then she needs professional guidance to overcome obstacles. Whether she is disabled or not, the professors are more qualified to both help her and to determine if she has what it takes to be a safe nurse. Your help may possibly be making it difficult for the school to gage how she is really doing.
I would just tell her that at this point, you are finding that you are having to struggle with your own studies and that you can't be much more help to her. Guide her to the professors and let her get the help she needs, tell her you want her to succeed, but that at this point you can't be a full time tutor as well as a full time student. And leave the guilt at the door! You are doing the right thing to back off.
I would try to politely tell her that you would love to keep helping her but you also need the time to focus on studying your own weak areas. I had a friend in the beginning of my LPN program that was similar to this person you are dealing with and his partner was even a nurse. He would want to study together but I felt like I was spending more time explaining things to him that he didn't understand than actually focusing on areas that I needed to spend more time on in order to be successful. Eventually we stopped studying together but were still friendly in class. He eventually dropped from the program voluntarily after receiving poor grades. One thing that I did do for my classmates that had to re-take exams in order to pass was allow them to borrow my notes (I didn't need them at the time because I had already passed the test). They said that the format helped them a lot for studying for the retake. You can be helpful, but don't feel that you have to be her personal tutor. You have to put your own grade first and the school (most likely) has resources available to help her that come along with the tuition.
If your school is even remotely like mine, this person won't be continuing on for very long, so at least in the long run you won't have to worry about it.
One thing I've found for myself is that I learn concepts better when I try to explain them to someone else. So you might find a way to work things to your own benefit by offering to go over the CONCEPTS which are on your next exam. I'm afraid that doesn't help you with things like someone who can't figure out how to use their computer.
OTOH, half of my instructors can't seem to operate the classroom computer.
I had this same problem with a classmate in my Chemistry Class, she was hopeless. No matter how many times I explained it to her, she just couldn't catch on. I know this is going to sound a little odd, but I started acting like I wasn't getting the concepts either.Any time she would come to me about something she wasn't understanding I would tell her that I was having issues with this as well, then I would invite her to go to the professor with me to help us both understand, even though I understood the concept already. This caused her to turn to our professor more for help rather than me. This is actually something that I do now in all of my classes, and I will probably continue do in the future. When it comes to school work, I just work better at it with as little distractions as possible. I know it is a little deceitful, but I just don't have time to worry about my work as well as someone else.
she is too dependent and eating in to your study time. The purpose of school is to weed out who can and cannot do the job after graduation. She will never be able to keep up at work. I recommend you tell her your time is limited and she should find a tutor to pay for their time. You are being nice, but if she is not progressing then you are enabling her to depend on others. Face it, she may not be able to pass the program if she cannot do the work.
I'll always help some if I can. Let me repeat that, if I can! I'm not going to spend my time helping someone I feel isn't getting the material. It's your instructors job to make sure she understands the material. There's no need for this to be stressing you out. Tell you that you won't help her anymore. As stated by others, direct her to whatever center your school has to help students with disabilities. Also send her to the instructors. Think of it this way, if somehow she passes nursing school, she can't utilize you as a resource while taking NCLEX. You can't follow her as a nurse and tell her what to do. She needs to get it together.
I have major issues with saying 'no.' It is hard to watch someone struggle or fail when you could help them out. It is even harder to say 'no' after you have said 'yes' a few times. The biggest issue I see in your situation is that she seems to be taking time away from your learning experience. As I have been told many times in my post about giving coworkers rides home, it is alright to say 'no.' You can give yourself permission not to help her. Hang in there...best of luck to you!
Thank you all for giving me the validation to stop helping her so much. You've all given me a lot to think about, especially thecommuter, i think, who mentioned how giving help excessively can hinder actual nursing practice. A couple of you mentioned that she won't last, which is probably true, as she was late, again, for our test today. I'm going to try to reconcile my poor bleeding heart to setting better boundaries. Again, thank you for giving a clear, yet kind, picture of what's going on and what I need to do about it.
If you can continue to help her without if affecting you and your school work, than go for it! But for you to say that you don't think that she can make it through the program is kinda mean and you don't have that power to say. I know you don't mean it in a mean way but always let out positive vibes in everything that you do, because you never know what tomorrow holds.
scaredsilly, BSN, RN
1,161 Posts
I love your compassion, it will serve you well. BUT, you have to work hard to get through the program yourself for one thing, and in the long run, you aren't doing her any favors. If she has a disability, then she needs professional guidance to overcome obstacles. Whether she is disabled or not, the professors are more qualified to both help her and to determine if she has what it takes to be a safe nurse. Your help may possibly be making it difficult for the school to gage how she is really doing.
I would just tell her that at this point, you are finding that you are having to struggle with your own studies and that you can't be much more help to her. Guide her to the professors and let her get the help she needs, tell her you want her to succeed, but that at this point you can't be a full time tutor as well as a full time student. And leave the guilt at the door! You are doing the right thing to back off.