Other student needs too much help

Nursing Students General Students

Published

  1. Should I keep helping?

    • 0
      Yes, it doesn't really make a difference in your life if you do help her, so it'd be wrong to stop.
    • 4
      No. She likely won't be a safe nurse since she can't even handle nursing school, so helping her is unethical.
    • 1
      Really? You're aiming to be a nurse. Help someone in need, no matter what.
    • 21
      No, you have no obligation to anyone else's success but your own.
    • 34
      Help when reasonable, but don't spend so much time doing it. (Please give advise on setting boundaries if you pick this!)
    • 3
      Other. Please elaborate in the comments!

63 members have participated

Hi everybody, I'm looking for some advice on dealing with another student in my class. She's a really sweet lady, and since class has started I've been helping her figure out assignments and such. She seems to really want to succeed, but really just can't seem to manage. It's not that she isn't spending time trying, but that she can't really figure anything out. As in, helping her today, she admitted she hadn't scrolled down all the way in our online course manager software (Angel, MyCourses, Blackboard, etc). She'd been working on the project for hours already. I've spent more hours helping her sort out how to do care plans, other assignments, head to toe assessments, therapeutic conversation assignments, etc. She frequently complains that she needs someone to walk her through everything so she can do it herself next time. She can't manage to get anything turned in on time. As in, we had a project due 3 weeks ago and she just now got it done, and she's just starting the project due last week. She's trying to get with Disability Resources to try and work things out.

I feel very badly for her, as she seems to have very poorly managed disabilities that are impairing her ability to succeed in school. I don't mind helping, but honestly, I would never in a million years want this woman as my nurse. Maybe as a social worker or something? She's great with talking to people and has a level of compassion that's rare.

I would feel very badly about abandoning her to her fate, but in all honestly I do not think she will pass the program without significant help (if at all), and I'm finding myself dreading her texts and calls. I know it'll be an hour of going over exactly what the teachers went over, again, and again, and in different words, and sending my own project so she can have an example. In addition, I'm getting the feeling that she wants to blame her failure to succeed on everything but her, which really frustrates me. We all have our different burdens to bear, and I'm dealing with a learning disability myself. Am I wrong to help eek her along? I think it'd be better if I found some way to tactfully stop being a crutch. But how do I do that tactfully, anyway? I've already identified myself as her hero (her words), unintentionally. It's not anything but really annoying to keep helping her figure out that A comes before B, so I feel bad abandoning her, but I don't think I should. Am I being ****** in wanting to stop giving her so much help? I would appreciate any advice y'all can give!

If you can continue to help her without if affecting you and your school work, than go for it! But for you to say that you don't think that she can make it through the program is kinda mean and you don't have that power to say. I know you don't mean it in a mean way but always let out positive vibes in everything that you do, because you never know what tomorrow holds.

I really do know what you mean, and that's why I feel so much guilt at the idea of not helping as much. I really am trying to be a positive presence for her, and I encourage her at every opportunity. At some point though, an honest appraisal suggests that someone who is already on academic probation and is continuing to turn in late assignments will likely not continue with me in this program. I don't think it's mean to assume someone with those characteristics is unlikely to pass this course.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Welcome to Allnurses.com!

During my high school days (mid and late 1990s), I would regularly ask for help from a classmate who sat in close proximity to me. I clearly recall these annoying 'cultural literature' flashcards that we were required to complete weekly, so I'd routinely receive help from her.

One week I asked for assistance, as usual. Her response? She paused for a couple of seconds and said, "No, not today." And you know what? I learned a lesson effectively by seeing the assistance get cut off cold turkey.

The moral of the story is that we treat people how to treat us. If you continue to help your classmate inordinately, she'll continue to suck up the extra assistance without reciprocating. But if you kindly cut her requests for assistance off and say "Not today," she'll swiftly get the message.

This is a lesson on personal boundaries. Our boundaries dictate to the world how much we'll accept from others. People with rigid boundaries would have never helped in the first place. People with healthy boundaries might have helped a classmate out a few times before assertively saying, "It is now time to stand on your own two feet and help yourself."

On the other hand, people with weak personal boundaries will readily continue to devote their time, hard work, assistance and resources to opportunistic people, human leeches, and losers while secretly hoping to put an end to it. In the workplace, nurses with weak personal boundaries get sucked into the shenanigans of patients and families and fall hopelessly behind because they have difficulty saying, "I've got to see my other patients."

This is just some food for thought. Good luck to you!

This was so helpful. Thank you for tying your personal experience in with general nursing practice. It made it easy to understand for someone with no experience!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in None yet..
Nurses are there to push patients to do for themselves as much as possible -- NOT TO SERVE. You served this lady too much. If you really want to do the "nurse" thing, then make sure she gets what appointments/referrals or whatever she needs from your school's disability services and give it to God. That's it. She needs to make her own way with the available resources. She got into nursing school, she can definitely manage.

So wise, this advice. And I must admit, I'm a little bit in love with you for your giving spirit. Don't lose that... but get your gut onboard with the team and trust it. If you feel you've gone to far... you have.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in None yet..
The phrase that got the Commuter's attention was, "(hold for a few seconds) No, not today."

It wasn't, "Ooops, sorry, not today."

Do not apologize. You have nothing to apologize for-- women do this much, much more than men, many times a day. Stop.

As to other things to say, try, "What did they tell you in the study help department / disabilities / whatever they call it at your school?"

Another good thing to say if she complains she can't do something is, "What are you going to do about it?"

One of my favorites is, "Don't say 'can't,' say 'won't.' Puts a whole different spin on it, doesn't it?"

This is also why you will not say, "I can't help you today."

This is her problem. If she learns to take care of herself, she will grow. If she cannot or will not, then it's not on you.

GrnTea, you've schooled me before, you're schooling me now and I hope you'll be around for a long, long time to toss me these gems. This is really, really excellent counsel. No apologies. Direct the person to help. Empower her by offering choices. Can't ask for any more from a best friend.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Pediatric Hematology/Oncology.
GrnTea, you've schooled me before, you're schooling me now and I hope you'll be around for a long, long time to toss me these gems. This is really, really excellent counsel. No apologies. Direct the person to help. Empower her by offering choices. Can't ask for any more from a best friend.

Seriously. There are so many little mantras and "a-ha!" moments to be had here, especially with folks likke GrnTea, thecommuter, etc. :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×

After reading your post, and description of this student learning difficulties, I am shocked as to how she made it into the program to begin with. Usually nursing is a very challenging, and difficult program to get into, it requires high GPAs, and pretty difficult prerequisites. Long story short, only help if you can, want, and have the time for it. Don't stress yourself, and worry too much over it. It is your future you are working on, your studies are very important.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Add a Comment