Other student needs too much help

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Mar 22, 2015

I think it'd be better if I found some way to tactfully stop being a crutch. But how do I do that tactfully, anyway?

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During my high school days (mid and late 1990s), I would regularly ask for help from a classmate who sat in close proximity to me. I clearly recall these annoying 'cultural literature' flashcards that we were required to complete weekly, so I'd routinely receive help from her.

One week I asked for assistance, as usual. Her response? She paused for a couple of seconds and said, "No, not today." And you know what? I learned a lesson effectively by seeing the assistance get cut off cold turkey.

The moral of the story is that we treat people how to treat us. If you continue to help your classmate inordinately, she'll continue to suck up the extra assistance without reciprocating. But if you kindly cut her requests for assistance off and say "Not today," she'll swiftly get the message.

This is a lesson on personal boundaries. Our boundaries dictate to the world how much we'll accept from others. People with rigid boundaries would have never helped in the first place. People with healthy boundaries might have helped a classmate out a few times before assertively saying, "It is now time to stand on your own two feet and help yourself."

On the other hand, people with weak personal boundaries will readily continue to devote their time, hard work, assistance and resources to opportunistic people, human leeches, and losers while secretly hoping to put an end to it. In the workplace, nurses with weak personal boundaries get sucked into the shenanigans of patients and families and fall hopelessly behind because they have difficulty saying, "I've got to see my other patients."

This is just some food for thought. Good luck to you!

elkpark · Mar 22, 2015

The school must have disability services, tutoring services, etc., available. I suggest that you refer her to those and her instructors. The school is legally obligated by Federal and state education law to provide students with assistance to help them get through school. You are not. And I agree with Commuter that it is human nature that most people will treat us the way we act like we expect to be treated. As long as you are available to explain stuff to her, help her with stuff, bail her out of her academic problems and crises, she will continue to expect you to do so. If you start saying, "Oooops, don't have time today" or something similar, and suggest she go to the tutoring center, she'll eventually quit asking you.

If she's really having that much trouble (consistently turning assignments in late, needing help with understanding everything), I'm guessing you're not going to have to worry about this for long. She's not going to last.

WookieeRN, BSN, MSN, RN · Mar 22, 2015

Is helping her affecting your schoolwork at all? I just noticed that it seemed like you are taking an awful amount of time out of your day to help her, so I was wondering if you felt it was hurting you as well cutting into your study time.

I really feel bad saying this, but some people just are not cut out for nursing no matter how badly they want it. It seems like she has problems with time management, considering she is handing things in THREE WEEKS late (seriously, I've never had a professor ever take anything that late without a note from a doctor that I got my arm chopped off or something). It is also concerning that you are having to explain the same thing over and over again.

How is she during clinical? There are some serious red flags that she is raising in that she needs to be walked through every single step and doesn't take the initiative to try it on her own.

You need to stop the gravy train if she is ever going to succeed on her own. The next time she calls/texts/asks you just need to do exactly as TheCommuter stated above: "sorry, I can't today." This is a very important lesson that student needs to learn and it will be a tough one.

Leonardsmom,LPN · Mar 22, 2015

I agree with the previous posters about setting boundaries and telling her "I can't today". Has she been seeking out additional help from the instructor, asking them about things that she is having a hard time understanding? At my school there is a wealth of resources that is available for students to use, tutoring SI for particular classes, they even have a general SI for the nursing program. If she does have learning disabilities than she needs to get in touch with the office to seek out the help and or accommodations that she may need.

smf0903 · Mar 22, 2015

I really feel bad saying this, but some people just are not cut out for nursing no matter how badly they want it. It seems like she has problems with time management, considering she is handing things in THREE WEEKS late (seriously, I've never had a professor ever take anything that late without a note from a doctor that I got my arm chopped off or something). It is also concerning that you are having to explain the same thing over and over again.

I think our instructors would have pointed out that we still had one good arm LOL :cheeky:

I agree with everyone else, you need to set some limits IF you're going to continue to help in any way. I loved to help other students as well, and I felt like I was reinforcing what I learned when I helped someone else with the material. BUT (great big silicon-injected but(t) here) I NEVER would have continued helping if it was to the detriment of my studies/assignments. Never, ever. Never. I know it feels like you are abandoning her if you cut her off as far as help, but you know how they tell you to throw something to someone who is drowning rather than jump in to try to save them because many time that drowning person will pull you under as well? That's what you have to think about here. That doesn't mean you have to be mean or horrible about it, but you can explain to her that she needs much more help than you can provide and that she needs to seek out resources from the school.

Good luck!!

la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN · Mar 22, 2015

In terms of setting boundaries, you have to first give yourself permission not to help her. It's hard and you may feel very guilty but she really needs to get it in gear and you can't spend an hour each time she has a question. Just let her know that you can't or are busy when she calls and don't immediately respond to her texts. Give it a few hours. That way, she'll see you have your own life and she's on your time. If she doesn't like it, she can figure out ways of getting her needs met faster using appropriate avenues. I also take issue with the poll option of 'having to help someone in need no matter what.' Nurses are there to push patients to do for themselves as much as possible -- NOT TO SERVE. You served this lady too much. If you really want to do the "nurse" thing, then make sure she gets what appointments/referrals or whatever she needs from your school's disability services and give it to God. That's it. She needs to make her own way with the available resources. She got into nursing school, she can definitely manage.

Leonardsmom,LPN · Mar 22, 2015

la_chicha makes an excellent point of the role of a nurse to encourage a patient to do what they can for themselves. I have worked as a CNA for over 7 years now, and for the past year and a half have been in short term rehab. When taking care or or helping a patient, my role is to help them to do what they need to do. Sometimes it is physically helping them during a transfer because at that time they are physically unable to do it on their own. Other times it is cuing and encouraging them in what they need to do to move themselves. If I was to do everything for a particular patient they are never going to get stronger. My goal is to help them maintain what ever they have and if possible to increase that.

canigraduate · Mar 22, 2015

You are enabling her, not helping her.

It would help her if you let her figure out how to help herself. "Give a man fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he will eat for a lifetime." In your case, you need to send her to someone who will teach her to learn for herself.

1) Tell her that you enjoy her company, but can't help her anymore.

2) Refer her to the school. All schools have resources to help those who are falling behind.

3) If she needs a study buddy, you can still help her with that.

Don't enable her anymore. It's not good for either of you.

datalore · Mar 22, 2015

Sometimes it's tough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your work. You can't say "yes" to everything all at once -- anytime you say "yes" to one thing, you are saying "no" to everything else at that moment. If you say "yes" to her you're saying "no" to doing your own work at that moment. Do you have time to say no to your own work as often as you do? Sometimes you're going to have to say no to her and yes to worrying about your own stuff.

ShelbyaStar · Mar 22, 2015

That's a tough situation. We all want to be helpful, and to an extent teaching someone else can be the best way to learn, but it sounds like it's well beyond a reasonable amount. I would probably be very frank but gentle and say that you really think she needs to at least speak to the instructors about her difficulties, if not disability services or counseling. You are indeed being a crutch- it sounds like she was putting in effort at first but now feels she can rely 100% on you to spoon feed it to her. You shouldn't be bearing the brunt of this situation, and study buddies should be at least mostly reciprocal. It sounds like more of a tutoring type of relationship, but even tutors are not available by text and beck and call.

Graduatenurse14 · Mar 22, 2015

I was and still am to a much lesser extent, in a similar situation with a classmate. Yours is much worse!! We can't give medical advice here BUT I was a teacher for many years and ADHD- Inattentive is what I see from what you are describing based on what I've seen with my students (kids and adults.)

If she's officially diagnosed with disabilities then they need to be addressed ASAP with the schools office.

You are a saint but don't neglect yourself and your studies!! Good luck!!!

Other student needs too much help

Should I keep helping?