Nursing school is killing my relationship!

jarielle22 · Mar 27, 2014

This is a true test of a relationship. This will test both you and your fiance's maturity level. He needs to be mature enough to realize that you don't have a lot of time and energy to put into the relationship. He needs to step up and take control of the relationship by doing whatever he can to remove as many outside stressors that he can from your life. Time management is the key. Schedule time together whether it be a lunch dinner, walk in the park, back massage, some kind of "us" time without talking about school. If he steps up and keeps the spark going in the relationship, then he is a keeper.[/quote']
We try and schedule time together when we can but school has been so demanding lately and I tend to fall asleep on him with no intention to. But I will have to try and have some coffee or something before we spend time together so I won't be so tired :/

ChristineN, BSN, RN · Mar 27, 2014

One thing my husband and I try for is total honesty. If we're frustrated with something else, we've made it so that we can safely vent to each other--that way, we can not only explain what's bugging us, but the other person knows we aren't angry at them. Clear, open communication is the only way to go.

This times a thousand. It amazes me when I talk to friends in relationships (both those dating and married) that they don't communicate openly and honestly. Too many times people who have been with their partner for years tell me how they are worried the other will judge them for something, won't understand, etc. My husband and I have been together for five years and we know we can tell each other anything, good or bad. We both also work full time and have/are obtaining master's degrees so we understand when the other one may be tired.

jarielle22 · Mar 27, 2014

If he isn't there for you now it's very telling of what he will be like if anything stressful happens. You need lots of support during school, this is only gonna make school harder. Sit down & have a frank conversation about all of this with him. If he doesn't change you need to really think about the relationship. Good luck.[/quote']
Thank you. He is supportive and tries his best to understand. We are both trying to understand each others side and have perspective. Partially it's my fault school has taken out all of my energy and patience which leaves none for him. So that also needs to change too

jarielle22 · Mar 27, 2014

Well nursing school is hard enough and them to worry about your relationship. It just adds more stress. If he cant handle it now. What about when you start working? Nursing has some long crazy hours and as a new nurse you usually run behind. If he cant handle it maybe its not meant to be? Sorry best if luck to you.[/quote']
Yeah that's true. He tries his best its just school has really worn my down and taken all of my energy. He tries to understand but I know that can only go so far as well. Thank you!

jarielle22 · Mar 27, 2014

My husband and I live in separate states. We work opposite shifts. We see each other every few weeks for 1-2 days at the very most.
If you care, you'll make the effort to keep up with each other. But be forewarned: relationships are not for the weak. Maintaining a relationship in a stressful situation is going to require sacrifice on your part and his. As Esme said, there will be much, much tougher things down the road if your relationship lasts. Learn how you're going to field this kind of thing now.
One thing my husband and I try for is total honesty. If we're frustrated with something else, we've made it so that we can safely vent to each other--that way, we can not only explain what's bugging us, but the other person knows we aren't angry at them. Clear, open communication is the only way to go.

Thank you. Such a good idea to really keep that open communication especially to express what's really bugging us. At times I may take it out on him (my frustrations and irritation) not because I am mad with him but school has taken away my energy and patience for anything. :/

jarielle22 · Mar 27, 2014

THIS. Relationships and marriage are constantly tested, and if this is the test that breaks you, at least you're finding out now. Nursing school IS hard, and I think many of us have seen our relationships tested during nursing school, if we are in relationships, but it's how you come through these hard times that reveals the real strength and bond in your relationship. Remember that nursing school is time-limited, unlike many stressors. You know exactly when it ends. Having a light at the end of the tunnel and knowing where that is should be helpful.
We HAVE to make some effort to make relationships work when going through stressful times. My husband and I "check in" with each other every Monday night, and that's our time to air anything that's been on our minds, to say if we're feeling neglected or whatever. We make a point of having date nights when I have a slower week school-wise.
Both of you are learning right now what it takes to make a relationship work. You have to figure out where your priorities lie. School HAS to be a major priority, but you have to figure out where YOUR sanity and your relationship lie as well.
Are you doing anything for stress relief? For me, when I can't run on a regular basis, my sanity is out the window. I need that to keep my head clear. Find what works for you- it'll impact all parts of you life.

Thank you for your awesome advice! I do try and hike when I can to take out some stress but there are weeks school is so demanding I don't even have time for myself. I feel I have no energy or patience due to demands of school but I wish to have that energy for him. It's so difficult when both of us just feel like we are repeating this cycle over again. We were never like this before :/ it's discouraging.

jarielle22 · Mar 27, 2014

I really love what Esme said. It's so true. I'll be starting nursing school in August and I'm so scared of what will happen to my relationship when we go from spending all day every day together to barely ever. But it's very true... Nursing school will only be two years or so, which is to vital to your life because you must have a career!, so if you guys really love each other, you should be able to stick it out for another year. I know things are rough right now, but try to hang on just one more year until you're finished with school. Fight for your relationship to survive :)[/quote']
Definitely! I want to keep this relationship because you are very right it is temporary and will be done in one more year. I hope we continue to fight for our relationship. Thank you so much for your advice!

SoldierNurse22, BSN, RN · Mar 27, 2014

Thank you. Such a good idea to really keep that open communication especially to express what's really bugging us. At times I may take it out on him (my frustrations and irritation) not because I am mad with him but school has taken away my energy and patience for anything. :/

It happens to everyone, but that can be so detrimental to a relationship. As you get frustrated and take it out on each other, you tend to close down to the other person. You start to not trust each other enough to talk, and that's how to doom any kind of relationship--you lose that trust and ability to communicate because there's unspoken stress and both of you are wondering what you did wrong/what the other person's problem is. Never, ever hesitate to say you're sorry, even if you feel it isn't all your fault! Forget ice breakers--an apology is a real conversation starter.

NurseGirl525, ASN, RN · Mar 27, 2014

As someone who just got out of my 15 year marriage (divorce was final in January), and is in another relationship now, I hope I can offer you some advice. I got married very young. I was your age 22. My ex was not supportive of me at all going to school and thought paying for me to become a nurse was a waste and had me quit school. So I did and worked in retail for a few years until I became a mom. I have been a SAHM for almost 9 years now. Please make sure your fiancee is supporting your dreams. If he doesn't support them now, he won't in the future either. But you have to realize you do need to make time for him also. You have to give as much as you take. He still wants to feel that he is the important one in your life. So please do not neglect your relationship for school. I know school takes a big chunk of time and energy but you can do both.

I am now in a relationship with a man who is so supportive of me going to school He is proud of me. The fact that he is proud and supports me makes me want to work on things with him more. I support him in his projects and he supports me. That is what it is about. We work hard to make things work for us and we make time for us. No matter how crazy things get not a day goes by where we don't talk or text.

So what I am saying is, if you truly love him and want to spend your life with this person, make it work. Have date nights, go out, and spend time being silly. I wish I had known when I was 22 what I know now. Things would have been very different in my life.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Mar 27, 2014

I was in a long-term relationship in college, too, and was afraid to break up with him because I didn't think I'd ever have time to meet anyone else or that anyone would want me anyway. Yeah, well, I totally know how dumb that sounds (and is), but 22, despite how you feel at the time you're in it, really is young and stupid. :)

So, that said, I am dead certain sure you will completely ignore my advice, beentheredonethat or not.

Neither of you are who you will be as older adults. If you can't honestly look at him, right in the eyes, and see yourself with him at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, then you will (not might, will) both benefit from some time apart while you get out of this period. Do not fear this. A mature relationship, such as you need in a good marriage, would weather this storm without the drama you're describing. You two aren't there yet.

vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN · Mar 27, 2014

If your relationship cannot "survive" nursing school. It won't survive marriage mortgage, children and debt. If he is so selfish and immature that he cannot understand and be willing to see the light at the end of the tunnel I would be concerned about life's challenges which aren't so temporary and require more sacrifice. Marriage is very hard even for those who truly love each other. It's a good thing to find out now.[/quote']
I totally agree with this and couldn't have said it better!
The stress you two endure now is a great way to gauge how supportive he will be during your marriage when the going gets tough.

Kellz321 · Mar 27, 2014

I totally understand how you are feeling. My boyfriend started to become agitated when I didnt have that much time for him and I had to explain to him I am very busy. At first I dont think he really understood until he saw the amount of hours I had to study after doing long class or clinical hours. He then started to help me out by doing as much as he could like cooking helping to clean or asking me was there anything to help decrease my stress. Their are still times when he still gets a little annoyed because I cannnot "tend to him" . But I let him know this is my future and I cannot let any thing get in the way of that. But my point is you should have a deep talk with him let him know nursing school is stressful enough and you dont mean to be away but you have to. If he really cares for you he will do whatever he can to help you along the way

Good Luck!

Kellz