Your Favorite one liner used with patients

Nurses Humor

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I am a student and I use humor to get me through clinicals. Once I told a patient "This is my first time giving an injection on a real live person." At the time it was very funny! The look on his face and my instructors was priceless!! I was curious what other things people have said or say to patients to break the ice.

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Specializes in ortho/neuro/general surgery.
We had an elderly male pt go into post anesthesia psychosis after a hip replacement. He was trying to pull out lines and climb out of bed to go home. While placing him in restraints he tried to bite me, I quickly asked him "Are you a cannibal?" His eyes went wide and he stopped moving just long enough for us to get the wrist restraints on him. I plan to use it now each time a pt tries to bite one of us!!!!!!

Oh, man, did you have me rolling with that one! I'm gonna have to remember that!

Some one-liners I use on patients- "Is there anything else I can get you, besides sleep?" when I have to do a late-night assessment on them or whatever else. To the stronger male patients that need neuro checks, when I tell them to squeeze my hands I tell them "just enough so I know you've got some strength in your arms" and to the frail, weak, decreased-mental-status LOLs I tell them "squeeze my hands and give it all you've got" cuz most likely in the cases I'm thinking of, I'm lucky to get a little finger tap. Or "Hi, I'm Grace, I'm your nurse tonight and I'm checking on everybody to make sure they're breathing."

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Tele, DOU.
We had an elderly male pt go into post anesthesia psychosis after a hip replacement. He was trying to pull out lines and climb out of bed to go home. While placing him in restraints he tried to bite me, I quickly asked him "Are you a cannibal?" His eyes went wide and he stopped moving just long enough for us to get the wrist restraints on him. I plan to use it now each time a pt tries to bite one of us!!!!!!

rninsocal,

Without thinking, I told an elderly man to "listen to momma, just lay down." One of my colleagues looked around and asked if I said listen to momma. The patient however did listen and laid down just long enough for us to apply the restraints.

That was just one of those "momma moments." (We have young children at home.) I haven't done this one again.

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As I take my colonoscopy pts. into PACU, to get them to pass gas I tell them " this will be the only time in your life you will be encouraged to fart/pass gas" (especially men!) so make it a trophy/award winner!!! And to women I tell them, here's your chance to better your husband/SO's best! Always gets a laugh & they feel more comfortable honking away!!!:eek: :yeah:

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I like to tell my patients (generally the confused ones) that have issues with keeping their clothing on that "Skin is not in" tonight : )

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Every once in a while an inmate who is a patient in our ER threatens to "call my lawyer!" if he doesn't get what he wants, like morphine instead of Toradol. To his lawyer threat I say, "The same lawyer who tried to keep you out of jail?" It works every time. :lol2:

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OK here's another one that got the ER roaring. I had a patient come in (the second time) with abdominal pain. He was driven in by a friend. Both are big burly roughnecks. The friend came in to visit and asked me if we knew what was wrong. He jokingly said "he must be in labor!" I said yeah, that could be, and then asked him if he was the father. Before he could answer I told "you can help with the delivery! You stand here [at the foot of the bed] while I run and get a catcher's mitt for you, and whatever you do, don't drop the baby when he jumps out!" It got a good chuckle out of everyone. He then said "ummm, I think we got a problem here." To that I replied, "I know what you're thinking. No need to worry. Once the hormones kick in, he'll have boobs the size of Utah!!" THAT'S when the whole ER, patients and all, were roaring!

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Specializes in Neuro ICU and Med Surg.

I had a pt who didn't particulrly like the idea of getting a suppsoitory. As I was giving him the ducolax he gave me a dirty look. I just said without thinking "I guess I should have taken you to dinner and a movie first?" I had everyone in the room laughing.

I also usually say that its hospital policy to make sure we keep everyone up all night. Usually gets a laugh.

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Specializes in Nephrology.

When giving the flu vac I would go through the standered questions with all my pt's. Are you allergic to eggs?, ever had an allergic reaction? and any chance you might be pregnant? I would always make sure when it was a older guy I would ask the last question, being so serious that they thought I thought maybe there was a possibility. The answers and facial expression are priceless. Thanks so much for this thread I really needed it at 5:40am.

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Specializes in FNP, Peds, Epilepsy, Mgt., Occ. Ed.

I've heard providers telling little kids "Is that Mickey Mouse?" (or Barney or a bunny rabbit) to get the kid to be still for an ear exam.

I started saying "What is that? What do I see in your ear?" then saying, "Guess what, that's an ear!"

For some reason, four year olds find that funny.

Whistling softly or whispering also sometimes helps- kids get still to hear what you're saying or what noise that is you're making.

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Specializes in Rural.

I tell my patient's that their gowns are open in back because they are

I-C-U gowns. :lol2: It takes someone pretty out of it to not giggle at that and they often end up repeating it to their families.

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Specializes in surgical, emergency.

Working the OR pre op area, we start IV's and other things to make final preps, to the OR.

When starting an IV, I can't tell you how many times pts say "I hate IV's".

I usually say,,,,"Over 30 years here, I don't remember anyone saying...IV"s !!!! YESSSSS," (with a hand pump for emphasis), at least not out loud.

And when, someone says they can't watch the IV start, I say, "that's OK, as long as one of us watches!".

Does anyone find it funny that the pt's that often whine the loudest about IV's, are the ones with piercings or tattoos!?

Mike

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Specializes in Open Heart/ Trauma/ Sx Stepdown/ Tele.

for checking blood sugars..."let's see how sweet you are" and "which finger for the donation"....when removing tele leads or tape on men "i guess no one told you , you get a free waxing"...when looking for blood or starting iv's "let's see if i am a good vampire today"...when d/c orders come through "cpngratulations you have posted bail"...and i have had a few pts tell me that i am a corpse (hands are always cold) to which i reply "could have called out dead today"

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