Waxing hysterical

  1. All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
    painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
    with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
    for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
    medicine cabinet.

    So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
    off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
    am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
    stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
    get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ( Cold wax,
    yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
    and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
    bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter
    of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
    back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
    my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
    apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the
    right half and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was
    a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself .RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
    I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another
    deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may
    pass out must stay conscious Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
    breathe OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
    so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
    glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no
    hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

    Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on
    the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
    DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!
    Butt?? Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
    think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
    off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll
    run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
    wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
    right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
    prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
    thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them
    glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot
    water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the
    bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
    God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
    of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my
    butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a
    slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does
    try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax
    is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out
    loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I
    call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the
    joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I
    resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to
    have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub
    in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the
    brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure
    I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress
    counseling for this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
    grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
    really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The
    scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's
    sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a
    hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
    remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and
    despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I
    recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have
    amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......
  2. Visit MistyDawnRN06 profile page

    About MistyDawnRN06

    Joined: Mar '05; Posts: 156; Likes: 179
    Specialty: ICU


  3. by   suzy253
    I just can't imagine!!! The pain, the pain!!!
    I'm brave enough to get my eyebrows waxed....that's it! :spin:
  4. by   Jarnaes
    Wow- I died laughing this morning. And now I know how not to do it... Thank you for being the guinea pig. This was too funny.
  5. by   kittagirl

    Just in case you ever get brave again, baby oil also removes wax even the cold stuff, and is a bit kinder................
  6. by   RNRao
    Wow that was a funny story sorry to have been at your expense. I your inclined to do so putting anti-perspirant/deodorant down there will aid in the razor burn.....LOL your to funny.
  7. by   RGN1
    I haven't laughed this hard in a while - sorry it was at your expense but you do tell the story really well!!
  8. by   augigi
    Yep, I've read this before, it's a good one. Heh.
  9. by   JentheRN05
    I've actually had a similar actual experience! Except the glued to the tub part. Dumb dumb blonde I am
  10. by   MistyDawnRN06
    Oh, this wasn't me (Thank Goodness)! This was a joke forwarded to me that I couldn't resist sharing. I laughed until I cried when I read it. I was just hoping others would get a laugh too!

  11. by   JentheRN05
    I know - I've seen the joke before - but what made it funnier is the fact that I actually have had soemthing like that happen.
  12. by   mamason
    Dear MistyDawn,
    After wallowing in self pity from a couple of bad days here on the homefront, I came across your post. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.LOL. GOD!!!!! I needed that!!! I'm sorry it's at your expense though. I could just picture me doing the same thing. Thanks for the much needed laugh!
  13. by   malenurse1
    Okay, not having to wax or shave my nether regions ... more reasons I am glad I am not a woman! Thanks for the laugh!
  14. by   muffie
    that is a funny story
    i once used a facial cream depilatory [sp.?] on my sideburns [i'm a girl] and had big scabs to cover up until they dried up and went away . took off my sideburns and took off my face!
    buyer beware
    oh the joys of being sasquatch woman! :chuckle

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