Share Your Funniest Patient Stories...

meintheUSA · Feb 7, 2010

:lol2: and then there was 80yr lol in assisted living. each time her hemmoriods would flair-up and bleed, she would crawl into bed and ask for meds for her "curse" lol

meintheUSA · Feb 7, 2010

same 80yr lol in assisted living, thought her sister lived down the hall.. called the local undertaker at midnight and asked him to pick up her sisters' body. never said were she was calling from, sooo, heorifice was driving around local hospitals, nursing homes, etc looking for "dorothy". went back to his office at 5am, looked through his records and realized that the services for "dorothy" was 6 years prior....lol it's a hoot when they have their own phone lines.... :lol2:

monie820 · Feb 8, 2010

oh crap i would've wet myself........lol

OutlawNurse86, BSN, RN · Feb 9, 2010

This weekend I had a nice little bed bound 77yr M pt. I'm sitting at my computer charting and just enjoying being able to sit when I hear my tech yell my name.

I thought "Oh my God, he's dead!"

I run to the room and see the tech with a look of shocked exasperation on her face (the patient was looking at her funny too), she was in the process of changing him.

Me: "Um....so what's wrong?"

Her: "He's got a hard on! I don't wanna touch it!" [exact quote]

Me: "Uh...um...ok....." I was thinking to myself...."you have kids, you must have seen one before."

My first thought as a man was...."Well hell....You go Grandpa!"

My next words as a nurse were: "He's got a dang penile implant! It's supposed to be like that!"

I helped change him since she was too freaked out. The pt was borderline confused but we all got a kick out of it, especially when I told all the other employees how the tech had scared the **** outa me!

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Feb 9, 2010

SNORT!! :lol2: :nmbrn::rotfl::hhmth:

ChrissyLove123 · Feb 18, 2010

Not a knee-slapper, but "cute funny":

I'm pre-NP and doing CNA training right now. Last Friday of clinicals in the NH, another student and I wheeled a Spanish-only speaking resident to the dining room. A Spanish speaking aid said something along the lines of "they're doing good?" and the pt said, "Si, bein gringas, bein gringas." (Yes, good white girls, good white girls) I told the other student & our instructor what she had said & we all laughed.

RN77 · Feb 19, 2010

About 32 years ago, we had a patient who only drank apple juice. He never wanted his water pitcher filled with ice water; it HAD to be apple juice. After report, on the night shift, during which the evening nurse made a point to say, "He's got a fresh pitcher of apple juice and I poured him a cup, so he should be all set for the night," I started making my rounds. When I came to his room, he was asleep, and the poured cup of juice was still there. "Great," I thought..., "He's usually up all night, so this is a good thing." About an hour later, this somewhat confused patient was awake and rearing to go....literally and figuratively. I couldn't find his urinal anywhere, so stepped out to the utility room to get a new one. Upon my return, he asked about his juice, and I told him there was a glass right there on his overbed table, and a whole pitcher just waiting for him. He said, "It's gone." I didn't understand, but told him to call me when he was done with the urinal. I got involved with medicating another patient and hanging a piggyback, when I realized it had been a while and I hadn't heard from him. Upon checking him, he practically threw the urinal at me, declaring, "That thing ain't worth nothin'." Fortunately, it was empty. I asked if he still needed to go and he said no; but was restless. "OK, well it's night and you need to get back to sleep. Have some juice and settle back." I handed him the juice. Before I got to the door of the room, he said, "Ewwwww, what the hell are you trying to do, poison me??" The juice was half gone now, and as he shoved the glass in my direction, I got the distinct odor of.....you guessed it, urine. Apparently, when I left to get the urinal, he had drunk his juice and used the cup to void into. I hadn't noticed the odor when I gave it to him to drink. I never told anyone about this.

RN77 · Feb 19, 2010

As a student, I was asked to stay in the exam room while a female patient had a pelvic exam by the male doctor. As he withdrew his finger from her orifice, liquid stool squirted out, all over his expensive suit pants. Of course, the patient was mortally embarrassed and kept apologizing to the doc., who kept assuring her these things happen and for her to not worry about a thing. He was SO pleasant to her. Well, doc left., I assisted the lady back to her room and went to the desk to chart the procedure. As I waited for the doc to finish with her chart, another doc asked first doc what had happened to his pants and he said, "A GD patient **** all over me!" He was SO angry. I'm glad that he was nice to her in the first place; but I got a forever chuckle out of it all.

murphyle, BSN, RN · Feb 21, 2010

During my L&D rotation, we had a G1P0 come to the unit with a three-page, single-spaced document detailing, down to the minute, her instructions to the staff for her natural birth plan. The staff all started laughing as soon as she got through triage, telling us that any time you see a mom with one of these, you can rest assured it'll be going out the window in 30 minutes or less. As the CNM I was assigned to told me, "From the instant they're conceived, kids spend their entire lives either ignoring or actively subverting everything you plan for them. Birth is no exception." :icon_roll

This particular plan was also unusual for its degree of, let's say, alternative birthing practices, and all the more so since this was a hospital mother-baby unit, not a birthing center. In her plan, Mom detailed out her entire "Hypno-Birth Experience," including: she was only to have her support person in the room; she wanted no students of any kind, no visits from the OB unless she requested it, and one RN only who was to check on her not more than once per hour. She wanted no IV access of any kind, not even a saline lock. She was to have no pain medication at all; instead her OB would hypnotize her to "harness the powers." She wanted no lights in the room except for one darkroom lamp. During those once-per-hour or less visits, her RNs were not to ask about her pain level, nor about the strength or frequency of her contractions; instead, they were to say "How powerful are your surges?" Nobody was to conduct any fetal monitoring or sterile lady partsl exam unless she specifically asked for it. Finally, in case of stalled labor, she was not to be given Pitocin; instead her OB would use a transcutaneous nerve stimulator to "open her to the natural forces."

The staff RNs were about a half-hour off. Within an hour of arriving on the unit, Hypno-Mom was yelling for an epidural; when her RN asked her how powerful her surges were, she screamed "To (bleep) with my (bleep) surges, I want some (bleep) DRUGS!!!" The poor OB who tried to talk her into staying the course with her "natural experience" barely escaped with his life. Oh, and that no-students prohibition? Her support person got sick and bailed on her at the six-hour mark; from that point forward, she was supported by the SN assigned to her RN. :nurse:

Most of us in that rotation went on to places other than L&D, but to this day, you can ask any of us about "Mrs. Hypno-Dural" and get a big grin... :lol2:

FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I · Feb 21, 2010

I saw that response coming long before I read about the way she did. :lol2:

iNurseUK, RN · Mar 5, 2010

We once had a lovely old lady in her 90's who had come in as a daycase for excision of a BCC on her forearm. Back in the day she had been a showgirl.

As her slot was coming up I drew the curtains around her bed and asked her to change into the surgical gown (the op was only under local) About 10 minutes later along comes the porter ready to take her to theatre. So standing outside her curtains I politely asked if she was ready

"Give me another five minutes dear" she replied. We waited patiently. Another 10 minutes passed so I repeated my question

"My dear a lady takes time" she replied. By now theatres were getting antsy and phoned the ward demanding to know where the patient was.

After another 5 minutes she emerged resplendent in blonde wig, false eyelashes, full makeup and freshly-varnished nails with half a ton of jewellery besides. I could not help but smile when she said

"Well my dear it might be my LAST apperance in a theatre"

carolCCRN · Mar 22, 2010

OMG I must share this. This AM a pt on out unit died (elderly, metastatic CA) and it took awhile for the family to get here so 2hrs later they were still at the bedside. The attending MD's office was notified of the death @0915 but no one had spoken to him directly and at 1030 Dr Attending came up to the unit and slipped into the pt's room before anyone realized it. He proceeded to perform an ASSESSMENT (stethoscope to the chest and all) and update the family on pt status and PLAN OF CARE. That's when the pt's sister leaned in and said "She's dead.":eek: