need to vent about my husband...sorry long.

  1. This day is getting worse. Here I am working at my desk thinking about how my husband is at home, still umemployed. Instead of refocusing on my work I think about how he hasn't worked since the summer and it's not the economy in MI solely to blame. He has a poor work hx. He has been let go because of companies cutting costs but he has left jobs because they were either comission only and he wasn't making much or because the hours became very long. I have talked to him nicely about this, I have been on his case, I have let it go over the holidays, and now I am back to being pi$$ed. I am very aware of my resentment towards him and it kinda settled down for a bit there. I now realize that me letting it go over the holidays was only a way for me to try and forget the whole mess and let me do my best at recovery. Now that I am getting angry at him again I am thinking damn, I went through a whole lot last year...I was using while working a stressful job, I was depressed and suicidal at times, finally got suspended, off of work for 5 months, working now although only a temp administrative job at the hopsital I worked at before...and through all of my sweat and tears he still is without work.
    So I felt the need to vent on a message board I have posted on before. I am aware that you get poor replies and people telling you that you married the lazy guy and blah blah blah. Could you imagine if I said...oh yeah, and I am a recovering addict! yikes. I guess I was hoping for someone to say they know how I feel. My husband is wonderful and he is a hard worker and very smart. I told him that I don't see that man anymore. So right now he is not the man I married. I know he wants to be the bread winner and he is not happy with himself right now. I don't know what to do. He is looking for jobs. He mentioned moving out of state but I have told him no in the past because I can't trust him due to his job hx. I am not about to move away from my family, support for recovery groups, etc. because he can FIND a job outside of MI. That is not the complete issue...can he KEEP that job as a career and provide stability for us because I want a family some day.
    When I get home from work I plan to sit down with him and tell him he needs work now. I have already told him since the new year started that he really needs to find ANYTHING for now. I guess we need to talk again. I am so upset right now. And thinking about the fact that I am working my job plus working to stay c&s....people have no idea how hard that can be. I feel like they take it like a grain of salt sometimes. It's hard not to think about wanting to F it all up just to show him I am fed the F up. Grr.
    Sorry to vent...and vent hard. Thanks for listening. I just figured I could come here and you guys would atleast listen and not flame me.
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    About SassyErRn

    Joined: Jun '08; Posts: 60; Likes: 46
    Specialty: 3 year(s) of experience in ER


  3. by   LisaDNP
    From what you posted, it sounds like your husband is depressed. Has he seen his PCP?
  4. by   RNRutRO
    Sassy - God love ya! I was reading what you wrote, and boy, I can see how frustrating that could be. I have to agree with Lisa, I was thinking the same thing. He sounds depressed. Maybe even has some feelings about "Why did my wife use drugs?" and a little guilt about that. You know how men like to be all macho and all.

    First, you are right. You have to stay focused on your recovery. But, you do need a "sit down" with him and have him express his feelings. I'm sure you both are little islands right now. Take this time to build your relationship up, not divide and conquer. Does that make sense?

    As nurses, we try to "fix" everything. You can't do that. You can only fix you. Try to be there for him. Mention the possiblity that he could be depressed. Don't "blow up" That fixes NOTHING. Trust me, I know.

    Good luck, and I hope you feel somewhat better just "getting it off your chest"

    Keep us posted. and BIG HUGS YOUR WAY!!! This too shall pass.
  5. by   dusky1228
    Depression was the first thing to cross my mind too.
  6. by   morte
    i am thinking depression and maybe some ADD? perhaps, if you two can live on your income, this would be HIS time to hook up with a counselor, get a thorough eval. and some additional education? an interest inventory test thrown in there too? good luck
  7. by   psalm
    Will be praying for you both. AND bless you for seeing c&s as a priority!!
  8. by   DDRN4me
    no advice...prayers for both of you..oh, and no flames...just gentle hugs :heartbeat
  9. by   Grace Oz
    No words of wisdom from me either, just a BIG ((((HUG)))) and to tell you to remember to take small steps, one day at a time. Look after YOU! You and your recovery are priority.
  10. by   SassyErRn
    Wow you guys, thank you so very much for the prayers and hugs. I needed that.
    Last night when I got home from work we sat down and talked about the situation. I couldn't help but cry and long story short, I told him that I have tried to be supportive and understanding but it's time for him to step it up and get any job that pays. I told him I didn't want him to be miserable at a job but he needs to be an adult. He has an interview monday for a collections company but its comission only but I told him it doesn't hurt to interview. After that we will see. He knows though that he might need to work retail until something more fitting comes along.
    So overall it was a good talk. He got to see how the situation has taken it's toll and I pretty much can't take it anymore. I was actually thinking we would end up fighting but I was able to approach him in a kind way eventhough I am pi$$ed. I married him for a reason. And he stuck with me through my rocky times and I will do the same.
    Thanks again for "listening". You guys are great!:flowersfo
  11. by   southernbeegirl
    Wow sass...that's alot to bear. Lots of hugs and prayers for you! I hope you are talking about this with your sponsor and not keeping it in. remember...our minds are a scary neighborhood to hang out in alone!

    I sounds like he may be depressed or even possibly he uses? no matter...just remember that you cant control anyone. it will keep you sane.

    we love ya woman!
  12. by   megaman
    good luck with that
  13. by   Magsulfate
    First of all, I was so anxious to write a response that I didn't even read through all of the posts. OHHH Girlfriend,, i do have a lot to say here.

    You love him, right? How long have you been married?

    Right now, you really need someone by your side that will support you. He needs to support you emotionally, physically and financially. You do NOT need a man who will drain the life out of you.. you are already vulnerable to losing everything. You are working hard to keep your head above water and he is the tow underneath, getting stronger, trying to pull you down. I'm sure he's not doing it purposefully, but he is doing it nonetheless. He needs to know this. He needs to know that your sobriety depends partly on him being the man that you need him to be right now.

    At this point in your life, you are trying to recover. You've saved your life, but yet it hasn't been long enough for you to be able to save his too. He needs to be strong for himself and for you. Until you build up the strength and are on dry land, you're not strong enough to drag him out of the water. You'll be sucked down with him.

    If you two love each other, you will find a way to work all of this out. But if you don't have enough love there, it might be best for you to go it alone, at this point. But only you can know what is best for you. If at some point you feel that it is too much to handle, ... don't ever EVER use drugs or drink. That will not solve your problem and I think you already know that. But if it gets worse, it may get to a point to where you lose control over your recovery.... don't let that happen, don't let yourself get to that point.

    In my opinion, you did the right thing by posting here, in this forum. You were right because other people may not understand the toll it is taking on you as a recovering addict. Stay strong,, and ask for help if you need it,, we're all here and we want to help you if you need us... We might all have advice on what you should do, but you have to decide on your own what you will do or how you will cope with everything.
  14. by   SassyErRn
    Thank you so much for the kind words. I love the way you put I am working to keep my head above water and he is the tow. And you are right, he needs to know that my sobriety party depends on him yet I am kinda afraid to tell him this. I know that he knows that I have a problem but I honeslty don't think he could say that his wife is an addict. And I understand that outsiders don't have a clue but he would compare me to a junkie on the street and eventhough WE know an addict is an addict, THEY don't see it that way. I guess I am afraid to let him know that he is partly responsible for me staying clean. It makes me sound like I will relapse at any minute if something goes wrong.

    Sometimes I want to just shake him because I don't think he realises how hard recovery can be. So when I am having a bad day and end up yelling at him he just thinks I am a ****** and doesn't think that maybe I am battling urges or whatever in my head.

    We have been married for almost 3 years. We will get through this. We have talked about marriage counseling in the past but it was around the time I was using (he didn't know yet) and my therapist suggested a hold on that until I got my own act together. I think having a 3rd party see what is going on would be good. I don't want to place blame but my husband is the type where he thinks he is always right. I would love for someone to tell him that he is only harming our relationship by doing x y or z.

    Thanks again. I will keep everyone posted.