Nothing Left To Give At Home

[Weebnurse]

I’ve been an ICU and ER nurse for well over a decade. Needless to say when I get home, I just want to relax and leave work at work. My husband in the last year or so has been increasingly been becoming a hypochondriac to the point almost every single action has to do with himself and his health issues. He spends hours googling what’s wrong with him. He makes me check the same thing on him multiple times a day. And when I tell him medical advice, he checks with his mom who’s a nature path and does what she thinks and ignores me. He’s had tests and seen Drs.

I got to the point tonight where I was telling him about my brothers health scare and he interrupted me just to say he has the same sx and went on and on about himself and his problems again. I finally told him that I was tired of every interaction being about him and what’s wrong with him. He got so mad at me and made me feel like I was an uncaring heartless person. I’m utterly exhausted. I have tried to care and did care in the beginning but it never ends. Am I an *** for telling him to stop obsessing about it and I don’t want to hear about it anymore?  I don’t know what else to do. I have NOTHING left to give anymore. What can I do? 

[JKL33]

I mean, is he experiencing a mental health situation? Could you try just a calm sit-down and ask him where this is coming from, or if there has been a situation that has provoked undue concern about his physical health? Or something that is causing distress in general? Or an actual physical problem?

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

That's tough. I went through a similar phase when my husband was dealing with some legitimate health issues in the earlier COVID days. I'm also in the ICU and was dealing with life threatening (and ending) issues at work, so I know that sometimes my patience was stretched when I would come home and I would be faced with what he considered major problems. I tried to remember that he has NONE of the medical experience I have. So what he was dealing with really seemed as important to him as the very serious illnesses I was seeing every day. But it was a MAJOR strain on our marriage for a long time. I was also told I was uncaring and I agreed that it could seem that way, I tried to explain that I couldn't be in nurse mode 24/7. And there was NOTHING I could do about what he was going through from a medical standpoint. 

Your issues sound much more serious, though, perhaps he would benefit from seeing a mental health professional as JKL33 mentioned. You might even suggest is as a couples therapy situation to show you're supportive and want strategies on how to best help him. I agree with the calm sit-down approach if you're still at that point. But if you've already had some fights about it, it may require including an impartial party to be an effective means of communication. Good luck!

[RatherBHiking, BSN, RN]

Wow over a year is a long time of this! It sounds like he has anxiety. My husband at different times would do the same thing and no matter how much I reassured him he probably wasn’t dying he would keep complaining and refuse to do anything about it except ask me over and over what I thought it could be or if it was something more serious. It was exhausting indeed. I finally told him one day I’m tired of you using me to make yourself feel better. I’m not a Dr so I can’t run tests or diagnose you and if you are truly concerned you need to see your Dr. Then anytime he brought it up again I’d just say sorry to hear that maybe you should make that appointment. I refused to offer any insight, reassurance or advice so he finally made the appt, figured out it was a medication issue and got it changed. Now anytime something comes up where he feels “weird” I just play dumb and say call the Dr and he does thankfully. 
I’m not sure exactly what your husband’s health issue is but he is anxious and scared but using you to constantly reassure and check him over and over is not an effective coping strategy. It’s OK to set boundaries and refuse to check him more than once a day (if that) and insist he see his Dr and explain he keeps having anxiety he’s truly not OK so they can work with him and maybe check him out further or refer him to a mental health practice.

 He will probably accuse you of not caring when you refuse to do the song and dance you usually do but he would just be trying to manipulate you-not care that you are exhausted from this. You do care which is why you want him to see someone who can actually help. 
 

Also remind him how much everyone hates being around people who do nothing but complain about how awful they feel (I’m not meaning someone in a hospital but that family member that’s been miserable for years) and how uncomfortable it makes everyone feel because they can’t help and maybe that will help him see too it’s not helpful. 
 

Then if worse comes to worse and he won’t stop or get help I’d recommend counseling even if he won’t go and explore your options moving forward. Best wishes! 

[marienm, RN, CCRN]

"I can be your spouse or your nurse, but I can't be both. There's a reason we don't take care of family members or friends when they're in the hospital- we're too close to the situation, it clouds our judgment, and it strains our relationship if we have to do something painful or difficult."

"I can't be a nurse 24/7, I need downtime too or I won't be able to keep working. You need to talk about your medical concerns with a medical provider who is not me." 

"I trust you and value you as a partner in our lives together. I'm not your parent, and I trust you to find another solution to this problem rather than waiting for me to get home."

(Easy to write it out, much harder to say it! Thinking of you...no one understands the level of mental exhaustion we face unless they've been there themselves.)

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

You are his wife. Not his caregiver.  When he starts going off on his various ailments, let him talk to the hand. It is obvious his anxiety is over the top. Make a joint appointment with his PCP for guidance. 

Your mental health is at stake here too.

[PMHNPcandidate, BSN]

Agree with people here! Prioritize your mental and physical well-being, and wish you good luck

[CommunityRNBSN, BSN, RN]

Keep this at the forefront of your mind: Even though he is asking you about physical symptoms, the problem is actually emotional/psychiatric.  (I say this as a person with OCD myself, I know whereof I speak.)  You are getting drawn into reassuring him, which makes him feel better for a second-- or it doesn't, and he goes to his mom to reassure him.  All you can do is completely stop reassuring him and giving him medical feedback.

You can explain to him up front-- at a time when you are both calm--  that you will no longer be discussing his medical problems, because what he needs is to speak with a good therapist who specializes in anxiety, and specifically health anxiety/hypochondria.  Then, after you've had that conversation, subsequent conversations go like this:

Husband: Look at the mole on my arm again, doesn't it look different?

Wife: Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling anxious.

Husband: No, it's not anxiety, this could really be melanoma.
Wife: Feeling anxious is so uncomfortable.

Husband: Stop calling me anxious, don't you care that I could have skin cancer?

Wife: I'm going to watch TV now. I'm sorry you're feeling so upset.

 

One more thing: There are many self-help resources available, if he can't or won't find a good therapist. One example is Drew Linsalata and "The Anxious Truth" podcast, but it is far from the only solid self-help out there.

[Wlaurie, RN]

Could part of the problem and frustration be that he keeps asking, you answer and he is still not satisfied and assured and has to get confirmation from his mom? For some reason you get less respect from family members and that's annoying. As others have said, you have to break the cycle by having a conversation about you being the wife and not the caregiver but you'll be glad to support him by going to the doctor with him.