NM and respect issues - need advice!

puggy232 · Oct 17, 2008

I learned the hard way not to expect validation/appreciation from charge and nurse managers, it sounds like you are ready to move on save your energy, do your job knowing what you are worth and offer it to your patients, when you leave it is their lost (management).

chenoaspirit, ASN, RN · Oct 17, 2008

omg, you sound just like I used to! I had seniority, but they would put another nurse as charge rather than me. I would ony do it when no one else was available. Then I didnt even get paid charge pay. I was good at it, so I dont feel it had anything to do with my capability. But when someone had to be pulled to another floor, that nurse would be the one who was pulled, so they definitely knew I had seniority over her.

A patient sent the hospital an evaluation and I was stated as being a great nurse who was professional and caring with knowledge of his condition. I didnt get recognition for it. The eval was shoved in my mailbox. I just dont care. Dont let it get to you, I dont anymore. When things like that happen, I truely try to not let it affect my self esteem although its hard sometimes. But I can honestly say that NM's DO have favorites and they dont try to hide it with their actions. Just do your job to the best of your capability. If you LIKE being charge, then ask her why this is happening and state your desire to have more responsibility on your floor. Hopefully it will work for you, it didnt work for me.

I am not one to do the suck-up game. Ive watched others who play the game of really playing it up to the NM, I just cant do that. I cant involve myself in the politics. I have a friend who is very high on the corporate chain, I do NOT try to use that for my benefit. I just hate it when people are not recognized for their efforts and skills, rather than how much they suck up. If you have the option for another job, then mayb that would be the option. For me, it isnt. There isnt another hospital within 75 miles of me.

Straydandelion · Oct 17, 2008

It has been my experience that the one willing to come in/stay for an extra shift gets a little bonus...possibly charge, or keep a certain section etc. It could be something like this happened also then the other nurse saw you wanted the charge position so changed her mind. I am usually just grateful someone is willing to help in those circumstances. As far as other instances, I think there are times MOST don't feel appreciated at some time or other.

Psqrd · Oct 17, 2008

Okay so what do you do about management that walks all over you and doesn't realize they are doing it? It's really hard to keep up your confidence when they treat you like they only respect you when there is nobody better around. Example: I work nights - an evening person come in to help out, and they put that person in charge and gave me patients rather than just giving her pts. Not that I particularly wanted to be in charge, but they have been having me do it a lot lately - I was just starting to get some confidence in myself. So this person who came in to help didn't even want to be in charge - she said "I didn't sign up for this - just give me pts!" - she is rarely in charge on her normal shift and doesn't like it in the first place. I got kind of ticked that they would put someone from another shift in charge and made a sarcastic remark, and then they ended up putting me in charge anyway, which made me even more angry because then I felt like they were doing the, "oh just give the baby what she wants" routine.
Why on earth would they put someone who is unfamiliar with the shift routine? To me, it says that I am only good enough if there is nobody better around. Whether that is true or not, my NM, who is great most of the time, walks all over me like constantly. Every time I start to feel like they appreciate and trust me, they do something like this (her or the ANM, but usually her). I've tried to talk to her about it. She's so oblivious. She doesn't get it, and she doesn't see what I'm talking about. She has no idea she is doing it, but she has treated me like a second class citizen ever since I started there. People say she plays favorites, but she says she doesn't. I don't think she hates me or anything like that, I just feel like she doesn't respect me. I think it would be easier to accept if she did hate me. I can't stand it anymore. I want to get a new job but I haven't found anything yet - I hope something comes along soon, because I feel like I'm about to explode! What would you do in this situation? Did I overreact to her putting someone from a different shift in charge? Maybe I'm just reading more into it than I should, but it kills me to feel like they don't value me. Thanks!!!

I have been in charge and I must say that I'm not sure that I want to be...it seems like more of a pain than anything else...but I can see how it could appear that they are not respecting you. One of the toughest things that I have learned is to do the job and keep all that other stuff out of your thoughts.

I have read that its like the number one thing that employees complain about is that they feel unappreciated.

Have you requested the CN training if they have it...maybe that is the holdup...maybe that other nurse even though she didn't want to be in charge had the experience.

Just my :twocents: P2

CHATSDALE · Oct 17, 2008

i think that you should be charge on occasion in order to be prepared for times when it may be necessary

FireStarterRN, BSN, RN · Oct 17, 2008

You are overeating, yes. You definitely sound burnt out on your current job, I can totally relate. At my last job, every little thing was irritating me. I didn't realize how totally sick of that place I was until I left. I thought it was the nicest little hospital with great ratios. But in retrospect, the place was suffocating me.

So, keep looking for a new job, meanwhile try not to blow things out of proportion.

nurseshepherd · Oct 17, 2008

Why on earth would they put someone who is unfamiliar with the shift routine? To me, it says that I am only good enough if there is nobody better around. Whether that is true or not, my NM, who is great most of the time, walks all over me like constantly. Every time I start to feel like they appreciate and trust me, they do something like this (her or the ANM, but usually her). I've tried to talk to her about it. She's so oblivious. She doesn't get it, and she doesn't see what I'm talking about. She has no idea she is doing it, but she has treated me like a second class citizen ever since I started there. People say she plays favorites, but she says she doesn't. I don't think she hates me or anything like that, I just feel like she doesn't respect me. I think it would be easier to accept if she did hate me. I can't stand it anymore. I want to get a new job but I haven't found anything yet - I hope something comes along soon, because I feel like I'm about to explode! What would you do in this situation? Did I overreact to her putting someone from a different shift in charge? Maybe I'm just reading more into it than I should, but it kills me to feel like they don't value me. Thanks!!!

A lot of nurses leave because of their nurse managers, not their job. They may list other reasons officially, but when you talk with nurses who are switching units or hospitals it usually has more to do with how they were managed (or mismanaged). Playing favorites is sadly, too common among managers and brown-nosing does appear to grease the advancement gears. If your NM is great but walks all over you, then she isn't respecting you and she isn't great. I have seen NM's do this to senior nurses on a shift (bring in someone from another shift) and when they went to the NM and asked if it was a mistake the NM corrected it on the ones she wanted to and didn't on the others....no mistake, it is what she intended for whatever reason.

If you have tried to discuss this with the NM and haven't gotten anywhere, save your breath. Do what you need to do to grow professionally (additional education, certifications, classes, etc.) so you are ready for bigger and better things when they come along. Focus on yourself and doing your very best (which has obviously been noticed by at least one of your patients) so others will see you in a positive light. Good luck and God bless. :nurse:

One more thing, does your hospital have an EAP? Most Employee Assistance Programs give you the opportunity to talk with someone about your work difficulties and it is usually a free service for employees. Just a thought.:)

HouTx, BSN, MSN, EdD · Oct 17, 2008

Nellie,

Previous posters have all offered very good advice. But I would like you to consider that maybe your NM dies not really understand how you feel. Her world view is not the same as yours. She has a completely different pespective of the situation. It is very difficult to be truly aware of how our actions affect others. And NO ONE can fix this except you. There is a natural tendency to beat around the bush instead of communicating clearly with our supervisors because we don't feel safe - we could get fired!

I would recommend that you make an appointment with her - and have a "crucial conversation". Keep control of your emotions & don't get defensive. Remain open to her comments. Be factual - and tell her how you feel about her behaviors/actions. "when you ....... it makes me feel that ...."

The important thing is to establish a two-way dialogue - make sure that you both have a clear understanding of all the other person's issues. No situation is ever as simplistic as we think. There are always more than two ("will or won't", "in charge or subservient" ) options.

Be courageous - you can do this.

pagandeva2000, LPN · Oct 17, 2008

Nellie,
Previous posters have all offered very good advice. But I would like you to consider that maybe your NM dies not really understand how you feel. Her world view is not the same as yours. She has a completely different pespective of the situation. It is very difficult to be truly aware of how our actions affect others. And NO ONE can fix this except you. There is a natural tendency to beat around the bush instead of communicating clearly with our supervisors because we don't feel safe - we could get fired!
I would recommend that you make an appointment with her - and have a "crucial conversation". Keep control of your emotions & don't get defensive. Remain open to her comments. Be factual - and tell her how you feel about her behaviors/actions. "when you ....... it makes me feel that ...."
The important thing is to establish a two-way dialogue - make sure that you both have a clear understanding of all the other person's issues. No situation is ever as simplistic as we think. There are always more than two ("will or won't", "in charge or subservient" ) options.
Be courageous - you can do this.

I echo this; you do feel disrespected, and this person may be really oblivious to this. You'd be surprized of how we overlook our actions without realizing it. Maybe a meeting is in order, and as suggested, don't be defensive, just state your feelings.

Personally, though, unless you like being charge, I would let whomever gets the baton take the aggrevation. I agree with Chatsdale that occasionally obtaining the responsibility is great for just in case you are in a situation where it must be, but, hey, my philosophy when I feel slighted is "Less work for me", and I started feeling better.

I had a situation where I work later than the majority of the nurses in my clinic. We have certain designated rooms that nurses do their counseling in. I have seen where management has flooded our clinic with agency nurses, and by the time I get there, I have no place to work. I mentioned it three times and received a sarcastic remark from our nurse manager. Well, then, I decided that I will relax. When this happens, I appear every now and then to show my face and that is it. Now, they started to realize that I had nothing to do, so, they created space for me. But it can take so much time to find a room for me to work from that sometimes I go on errands, see my friends, etc... I am not gone long, but I decided to make it work for me for now, so that when the tornado comes again, I can say I'm ready. Don't stress yourself out too much...let them have the headaches...seriously. If you choose to have this talk with your NM and nothing changes, then, change your perspective and smile to yourself. :smokin:

Ruby Vee, BSN · Oct 17, 2008

nurse managers are human, too, and just like the rest of us, they have favorites, blind spots, communication difficulties and make errors in judgment. your nurse manager may have no clue how you feel -- even if you have tried to talk to her about it. sometimes people whose communications styles are very different have no idea what each one of them is trying to communicate. in the nurse manager's case, she may have no idea that what she is trying to communicate to you is being perceived so negatively. if your communication style is very oblique for example, and hers is very direct, you may have to work extra hard at making sure you understand one another.

the above poster who said that you cannot rely on the nurse manager -- or anyone else -- to make you feel good about yourself and your work was spot on.

NellieP73 · Oct 17, 2008

I have been in charge and I must say that I'm not sure that I want to be...it seems like more of a pain than anything else...but I can see how it could appear that they are not respecting you. One of the toughest things that I have learned is to do the job and keep all that other stuff out of your thoughts.
I have read that its like the number one thing that employees complain about is that they feel unappreciated.
Have you requested the CN training if they have it...maybe that is the holdup...maybe that other nurse even though she didn't want to be in charge had the experience.
Just my P2

Haha, training! That's a good one. No such thing where I am. They have mentioned that there is going to be a permanent charge available and asked me to consider it, then they do stuff like this. They haven't mentioned the permanent job again. Sometimes I like being in charge and sometimes I don't. The charge thing was just one example. They do stuff like this all the time. I've been looking for a new job, but it's probably going to take a long time to find something - they're not too easy to come by around here. It is just so frustrating to thinnk you've finallly got things on the right track and manageable, and then BAM! They do something else that makes you go, "huh??"