Night shift and daycare- ahh!

kcochrane · Feb 20, 2010

Actually the op did suggest that she was thinking about quiting and moving closer to home...so I think that suggesting an alternative to staying at her current job is fine. I know how I am and I would be really nervous leaving my kids with someone else at night while working. It is hard enough just leaving this with my husband, even though he is a great dad.

She is already stressed and every option we can suggest to her is going to help. Maybe the delivery was wrong, but the message should be considered. What if she can't find someone to watch her kids at night that is reliable...she needs other options. And the bottom line is that things have changed since her original planning. Life is such that sometimes we have the change what we want to what we need at the time. Working at a teaching hospital is a want, getting a job that accomodates her kids is a need. Like I mentioned before, I wouldn't up and quit, but look at just what other jobs are available. Looking at more than one option will give her a better chance of a good outcome.

To the op..let us know what you decide to do.

GOMER42 · Feb 20, 2010

Conversely, if you don't really want advice, don't waste time asking for it.
Your defensiveness is unflattering. You asked for advice, dear, and that's what I gave you. AND I told you that I was speaking from experience and have had to make hard choices, by which you should have known that you didn't have to explain your situation.
You are hardly the first mother of little children who admitted to herself too late that her husband is a louse. I feel bad for you, but I also know that lousiness doesn't just appear out of nowhere (I noticed that you already call him your "ex"). You assumed that he was going to be there despite what you already knew about him, but you were wrong. He's not there, and you have to change your plans. So, change them. Yes it's hard to find jobs. It's hard for brand new single mothers, hard for new grads, and hard for older nurses with tons of experience and knowledge who have found themselves flushed down the toilet by their employers. We all have to roll with it and do what has to be done. I understand that you are hesitant to move back home, but you have children to take care of. Stop the "poor me" routine, ask your family and HIS family for help -- why don't you want to "impose" on his parents, anyway? --, change jobs if you have to, and move along.

Somebody trying to feel superior by kicking someone while they're down?

Your lack of empathy is unflattering.

I never once felt she resonated "poor me."

Have a heart or keep your callous, albeit unhelpful, thoughts to yourself.

Moving on- MissKitty, good luck in whatever path you decide to chose. Perhaps talk to your manager about a dayshift position or use your night shift differential to pay for overnight care.

mustlovepoodles, RN · Feb 21, 2010

OP, is there a reason that you're children's father can't provide overnight care? Even if they had to live in two home, I would think it would better for them to be with a parent ( assuming hes' not a drug user or child molester. Just not liking him wouldn't be a good reason, IMO). I think it would make putting the kids in daycare a little easier to swallow. There is no way in h-e-l-l I would have my kids in night AND day care, if I had to quit and work at walmart.

rn/writer, RN · Feb 21, 2010

In order to keep this thread open and available to help the OP, we need to stop focusing on personal criticisms (of the OP and each other) and concentrate on helping her to brainstorm solutions.

Let's see if we can offer some encouragement and creativity in a challenging situation.

**RosesrReder, BSN, MSN, RN** · Feb 21, 2010

I previously shared my personal experience as a new single mom and night shifter.......but:

I still think, if at all possible.....first talk to your NM about a possible dayshift position, or at the very least variable? Can you move to a different department like outpatient, OR etc?

If all fails.....can you try what I do (working your shifts split to be able to nap with the kids at home during the day and going to sleep with them that night?

I really hope something works out for you and your kiddos! Keep us updated.

rn/writer, RN · Feb 21, 2010

I just started a position in ICU and in a month I am supposed to be switching to nights. No big deal- right? Except I have 2 small children... and I am a very new single mom... and I have absolutely no family or friends within 2 hours of me.
What do those of you that are night shifters and single moms do?
I am so stressed out about this that I am thinking about quitting and applying for jobs closer to my hometown. However, I would hate to do this as my hospital is a wonderful teaching institution that receives the sickest patients in the state and many from across the country.
I really could use some help!:heartbeat

First things first. You have a month before this new schedule kicks in. Not a lot of time, but at least it's not next week.

Second, this is not one big choice, but rather a lot of smaller ones. Do you stay where you are or return to familiar surroundings? If you stay, what will you do for childcare? If you go back home, what will you do for a job? You'll be closer to family, but will they be able to help with your kids? Is there a third as yet undiscovered option that may serve you better than either of the first two?

The list goes on.

Instead of starting with a "solution" and trying to make it fit the circumstances, you might be better off to step back and start from the beginning.

The only real "givens" in the equation are you and your two children. So that's where you start. Whatever you decide has to fit around them.

As a newly single mom, you have undergone a major shift in your circumstances and a major shock to your psyche. Much of what you thought you could count on has changed. That means you're going to have to be careful not to panic or freak or act out of fear.

You were capable enough to get this far. Believe that you have what it takes to keep going.

I would encourage you to set aside the emotions and listen to your gut. What is that still small voice telling you? Is the dream job really a dream or just an invitation to step into a nightmare? Even if you can find reliable childcare, what will you do with your kids in order to get some sleep? Are there any other options you haven't yet considered.

Give yourself some grace here. Think (and pray if you are so inclined) about what you really want out of life.

Come back and tell us how you're doing and how we can help.

Many hugs.

GaMBA · Feb 21, 2010

Miss Kitty, I can't think of any additional suggestions beyond what has been mentioned here, and I am not a nurse or a nite shifter, but I am a single mom and I wanted to offer you encouragement and tell you to have faith. I don't know if you're a spiritual person or not but I'll tell you my story and how it's an example of God truly being able to work miracles.

As I said, I'm a single mom, and like you, I had no idea how I would make it happen, but I applied for every shift I could at the local hospital back when i was trying to get my first CNA position. I had no experience and the hospital required at least 6 months. I didn't know who would watch my child if I got anything other than a day position, but i figured I'd cross that bridge if I was ever fortunate enough to come to it. Turns out, as soon as I finished my CNA class and got certified, I landed an interview for a hospital tech job. Prayer answered! The bummer was that it was for the nite shift. I didn't know how I'd make it work but I was determined and had faith that everything would somehow work out. So I went to the interview, spent an hour or so interviewing with the staff, and sat there wondering the whole time how on earth would I possibly make this work if I got the job. They really liked me, I liked them, and I knew I had a real chance at getting hired. Lo and behold, at the end of the interview, the manager tells me that he just got notice that day from one of his day shift techs that she's leaving, and none of the nite techs want to move to day shift, so he's now needing a day shifter as well. He asked if I'd prefer days or nites if I were hired. Of course I told him days, but also said I'd be open to either or. A few days later I got a call offering me the day shift in that hospital.

Sorry for being so long, but I said all of that to say, Miss Kitty, just have faith. It will all work out. It may not be easy, you may end up going on a different path than you originally set out, but you never know how wonderful things may end up in your life. Just let God do His work, and go with the flow. Most importantly, and I cannot say this enough, trust your gut! You and your family are in my prayers!

solneeshka, BSN, RN · Feb 21, 2010

I have been in your position except that I have one child and he's a little older than yours but still young. I was in nursing school in a city with no relatives when my marriage disintegrated and my ex dropped out of our lives. As graduation approached, I checked with relatives in another city to see if they would be willing to help look after my son while I worked nights. They said sure, I found a job there, we moved and set up our lives there. Although we love everything about living there, the childcare situation did not work out. It turned out they had problems in their own family that I didn't know about, and it added up to not being a good idea for my son to stay there, at least not 3 nights a week (it was too much for them and too much for my son). They did not remember what it was like to have young child in the house and their expectations of him were way too high (even though he's relatively well-behaved), and they would yell at him a lot, sometimes in front of me, and often for things that were not his fault or that were hypocritical.

So my mom came out to help. Ironically, I had chosen not to move where she lived because she has not proven to be a very reliable person :-) But she came out of nowhere and has pretty much lived with us for several months now. She is married herself but apparently her husband is very understanding (she has been back home a couple of times to "visit" since she came out here, and it's worked out fine for my son to stay with the other relatives when I work and Mom is back home).

I am trying to get into a job that's 5 8-hr days or even 4 10s. My son is old enough (just barely, but I keep telling myself he is) that by next fall he'll be able to get himself ready and to school in the morning. I'll be home in time to pick him up, either from school or the after-care program at school. It's scary, but kids from generations past did this. They didn't even have daycare when I was a kid, and there were moms who worked.

I personally like the idea of trying to find a relative who will take the kids for your 3 days a week. Working nights is harder than you think it will be, and you would be well served to be able to just come home and crash, crank the days out and be done. It's not the end of the world for your kids not to see you for a few days. Even though I hate how much time someone else spends raising my kid, I would rather it be someone in my family than someone I hired. And the whole intergenerational thing has turned out to be fantastic for all 3 of us. My mom and son are far closer than they have ever been before. It's an alternate way for him to live, but that will color his world in ways that will make him a better person. There are children whose mothers are in the military and their kids might not see them for months at a time, that grows a child, that doesn't have to be devastating.

You matter more than anything to your kids, but that doesn't mean that you have to be a constant presence in their lives. You have enough love for them (and them for you) that they are going to know how wonderful you are and be colored by your influence even if someone else takes care of them a few days a week. It's okay to want to keep the "prestige" job because you are going to need the added income and boost to your resume now that you have a family to take care of on your own (however much your ex ends up paying in child support, it won't be enough).

Another reason to rely on family if you can: all this child care adds up financially. You would be amazed at what you have to pay a sitter, even one who is just sleeping there. I think everyone else who has posted that they know someone who's done it is talking about someone who is married (two incomes).

IHeartPeds87 · Feb 21, 2010

This is just a thought, but you can' t be the only single mom nurse wanting to work night shifts as a nurse in your area.

Ask around. Put up fliers (if you can) at local hospitals, craigslist, whatever. Outline your situation. Perhaps there is another single mom nurse in a similar situation....and you could take in her kids on your nights off and she could take in yours, etc. Obviousely be sure to do a background check (I don't know how to check up on people to make sure for safety reasons that they have a decent background) but it is a thought?

Really, it is the time to really on people. Do you have friends in the area? I think you stated that you were new. I don't know your religious involvement/if you are religious/what religion you are lol but just a thought that you could ask your church group to see if people would be willing to provide night childcare.

I second the student option.

good luck to you!

al2phoenix · Feb 21, 2010

I just started a position in ICU and in a month I am supposed to be switching to nights. No big deal- right? Except I have 2 small children... and I am a very new single mom... and I have absolutely no family or friends within 2 hours of me.
What do those of you that are night shifters and single moms do?
I am so stressed out about this that I am thinking about quitting and applying for jobs closer to my hometown. However, I would hate to do this as my hospital is a wonderful teaching institution that receives the sickest patients in the state and many from across the country.
I really could use some help!:heartbeat

Have you tried discussing this with your supervisor?

kcochrane · Feb 21, 2010

Another thought that came in to my head. See if they have a weekend incentive program. Then you can ask the soon to be ex to take the kids on the weekend. You usually get paid more per hour and can do 3 12's. Then you have your kids all week without having to work.