New here, so lost, upset, and in need of support

Published

Hello everyone. I am a nurse and I have a long history of addiction. I have been an active addict since I was 15 yrs old and I am now 29.

The first drug that caused me major trouble in my life was meth. I first went to treatment for that when I was 19 and then again when I was 22. I managed to stay clean off the meth but used other substances, alcohol, pot, and benzos. Throughout this I managed to go to college and get a nursing degree and license. I thought I had it together, and thought I had control of myself.

I got a job at a hospital and soon after was introduced to opiates through my ex husband. Never thought this would be a problem. Only used them occassionaly and recreationally. Never dreamed that my addiction would become so out of control that I would find myself here.

I was diverting from work and forged a prescription. This was 2 weeks ago. I knew that if I didn't stop my life would be over. I sought help on my own through a counselor and doctor that got me on suboxone 2 weeks ago. I have been clean for 2 weeks.

Yesterday I was confronted at work for diverting and the prescription. I admitted and told them that I had sought help 2 weeks ago and had been clean. They have apparently been investigating me. I was suspended and they are contacting the state BON. I know I will have to enroll in the nurse assistance program and be monitored. I am ok with that because I am willing to do whatever it takes to finally be clean and be in active recovery. They don't know yet if legal charges will be brought against me. The hospital said they would contact the board, find out exactly what to do, and go from there. They were actually very supportive and seemed like they sincerely want to help me. I don't know if and when they will allow me to come back to work or if I even want to.

The truth is that I applied for a clinic position last week because after entering into outpatient treatment I wanted to start with a clean slate. I knew what I had done at the hospital and to be quite honest I don't even want to work around narcotics.

The clinic called me for an interview today. I don't know what to do. No matter what I will have to be honest with prospective future employers. I need to work. I am a single mother and have been struggling through a divorce. I don't know if I will even be allowed to work/change jobs as a nurse in the middle of this mess. I haven't heard anything from the BON yet but think I should probably call them. I think I will go ahead and enroll myself in the assistance program right away if I can.

The worst part of this is that 10 years ago I have a felony conviction for using stolen credit cards during my meth use. I had to sit for the board to get my license and assured them that I had changed. This was before I became addicted to opiates. Also, the hospital I work for decided to give me a chance and then I went and did what I did.

I am going through so many emotions right now and am really struggling. I have been crying off and on and feel so depressed. I have been in close contact with my addiction counselor and sponsor the past 24 hours.

I just need hope and a hug. :sniff:

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There is hope and here's a hug :icon_hug:

I'm not a nurse yet, but I have faced addiction all of my life. I can't give you advice on your current situation, but I will say a prayer for you. Keep in touch with your sponsor and NEVER give up hope!!

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Specializes in Med-Surg, Geriatric, Behavioral Health.

Big hug to you for being straight forward with yourself, with your employer, and with us. You appear to demonstrate a maturity and a sense of responsibility beyond many who become addicted to substances. Big, big hugs for this. I strongly support your taking active steps to ensure your own sobriety. Your angst and emotional pain are very understandable regarding the aftermath of being caught and its consequences. However, be of some cheer and some hope...your sobriety will actually make it easier for you to surmount the loss of this job and the loss of a marriage. Your kids will also appreciate you one day in your returning to them the best mom that you can be for them. Yes, stay connected to your counselor and within the program that you plan to join...make your sobriety your decision....ongoingly...becoming an active part of your life. Despite the setback now, you will get through this. Big hugs, my friend...for owning your stuff and becoming the better person for it.

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Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

Hang in there, and kudos to you. It takes a LOT of guts to come forward and take responsibility for your actions. You'll get through this, one day at a time. :icon_hug:

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A day at a time, sweetie. Stay close to the rooms and your sponsor and your counselor.

It's good news that you have been suspended, not terminated.

And hang in there.

{{{{chaos}}}}

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Thank you for the kind words and the support. I know that I need all I can get right now.

I got called in for a meeting at the hospital today after I posted here. I met with 2 people from human resources and the vice president of patient care. All three of them were so unbelievable supportive. First they said they were filing a complaint with the BON which I already knew was going to happen. Then the vice president of HR said that he didn't know yet if law enforcement was going to get involved. He said that he was going to contact the chief of police to ask what the hospital needs to do, if anything. I am HOPING and praying that they will say that they don't have to pursue any legal action. I am still on unpaid suspension. They did not say that I was going to be terminated but laid out some stipulations that would be in place if I were to continue employment there. They said that if I choose to stay there that they will be there to help me through this I know that I will not go back to work in the actual hospital on a floor but maybe for one of the clinics. I don't know.....

The vice president of patient care gave me a lot of good insight. She assured me that there is hope and that she is there to help me. She said that she does not want to see me give up my nursing career, that she wants to see me get better, grow, and move on. She stongly encouraged me to get involved with the assistance program right away, which I am already doing. I called them this afternoon and left a message. I will call again tomorrow.

The fact that they are being supportive and not treating me like a criminal or a horrible person is really helping me through this.

I know this is just a bump in the road and things will get better as I do what I need to do to stay clean. One of my favorite sayings is "this too shall pass".

I keep telling myself over and over again, that this happened for a reason and I will heal and move on to a brighter future.

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Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.
I will heal and move on to a brighter future.

Maybe you could enlarge the font on the above and post it in a lot of places around your house to get you through your bad days. :heartbeat

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Specializes in Medical and general practice now LTC.

I think it is so nice to read of a hospital and staff willing to support you through your times of need and willing to keep you working. It is sad when we hear of employers not willing to support the nurse through their dark hours after all we are all human and make mistakes. Good luck on your journey

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it is wonderful to hear that there is support for those who need and want it

i believe that you probably have learned that an addiction leaves you vunerable to other addictions-as a single mother is is imperative that you be a good role model..your benefits will last for generations

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Do not give up hope! Where there is a will, there is a way. I'm praying for you. Hugs

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Thank you for the kind words and the support. I know that I need all I can get right now.

I got called in for a meeting at the hospital today after I posted here. I met with 2 people from human resources and the vice president of patient care. All three of them were so unbelievable supportive. First they said they were filing a complaint with the BON which I already knew was going to happen. Then the vice president of HR said that he didn't know yet if law enforcement was going to get involved. He said that he was going to contact the chief of police to ask what the hospital needs to do, if anything. I am HOPING and praying that they will say that they don't have to pursue any legal action. I am still on unpaid suspension. They did not say that I was going to be terminated but laid out some stipulations that would be in place if I were to continue employment there. They said that if I choose to stay there that they will be there to help me through this I know that I will not go back to work in the actual hospital on a floor but maybe for one of the clinics. I don't know.....

The vice president of patient care gave me a lot of good insight. She assured me that there is hope and that she is there to help me. She said that she does not want to see me give up my nursing career, that she wants to see me get better, grow, and move on. She stongly encouraged me to get involved with the assistance program right away, which I am already doing. I called them this afternoon and left a message. I will call again tomorrow.

The fact that they are being supportive and not treating me like a criminal or a horrible person is really helping me through this.

I know this is just a bump in the road and things will get better as I do what I need to do to stay clean. One of my favorite sayings is "this too shall pass".

I keep telling myself over and over again, that this happened for a reason and I will heal and move on to a brighter future.

I am really impressed with your grace and perseverance in dealing with your illness. With this attitude, you will do well not only in nursing, but in life...........being willing to take responsibility for your problems and own up to your mistakes is a GIANT step in the right direction, and I'm sure that's why your employer is working with you instead of forcing you out.

Yes, this did happen for a reason, and with the help of God and those who care about you, one day you'll know why. Maybe in the future, you will be called upon to help others who suffer from addiction; perhaps you will even be able to rescue someone from its clutches because you know exactly what it's like to have your life spin out of control in this manner. Who knows?

I wish you the best, and please, keep us posted. We care.:heartbeat

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Update......

Met with the hosp. again on Tuesday. I told them I was considering staying employed there. Well, I guess that one of the stipulations of me staying employed there is that they will contact law enforcement.

If I resign, they say their involvement is done and law enforcement won't be contacted.

So, I am going to resign. I have no choice really. I am not willing to stay employed there and risk having criminal charges brought against me if I have the option to resign and not have law enforcement contacted.

It seems to me, that this is their way of forcing me out. I wonder why they didn't just terminate me??

I asked for written documentation and then I will turn in my letter of resignation. I think this is for the best and I know I will get another job sooner or later (hopefully sooner).

Thanks again you guys, for all your support!! I will keep checking in here regularly and posting. It is nice to know that I am not alone :)

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