Hey y'all. I passed the NCLEX one month ago, and started in a new grad residency position on an ICU shortly thereafter. I chose this unit as my first nursing job after having such a great experience during my clinical rotations as a student. From day one as an orientee on the unit, I feel like I was sold a false bill of goods. I'm not sure if this is due to my expectations of the residency program and preceptors, or if its because I'm too stupid to be a nurse.
I've lurked other similar topics, and I'll preface by saying that I am under no illusion of competency or superiority, nor do I fail to heed relevant criticisms. I have enough humility to recognize that I am new and I know nothing about the real world of nursing, so please take that into account.
So far, I've had nine shifts as an orientee. I'm on my third week of a six month orientation. From my very first shift, my preceptor has thrown me to the wolves. I've essentially been taking independent critical care assignments with zero experience as a nurse, while my preceptor browses the internet for their next vacation and gossips with the other nurses - that is, when they're not berating and belittling me in front of patients. I keep being told to "ask questions", but when I do, I'm then belittled and berated by my preceptor for not knowing something. When I talk to my preceptor about something they've said that I misunderstood, they tell me "sink or swim. This is the ICU." I timed the last negative interaction I had with my preceptor, and they continued to beat a dead horse for fifteen minutes, in front of an aphasic patient, over me not knowing that a different brand of angiocath is proceeded differently than the ones that I have used in the past during nursing school. When my charge nurse saw me crying after this episode, my feelings were dismissed and it was chalked up to me not asking the "right" questions. The fact of the matter is that as a brand new nurse, I don't even know that I don't know something; how can I ask the right questions if I don't know what the right questions are? I am constantly asking questions, and my preceptor often gives curt or belittling responses that have little to no substance as an answer. When they blow their lid, they then accuse me of not communicating or asking for support (despite numerous attempts to do exactly what they're accusing me of not doing).
I've cried every single shift, and I've considered quitting every day since I've started. As a former instructor and trainer in a different career field, I can confidently say that it is one thing to offer constructive criticism that builds someone up to a competent level, and quite another to beat a dead horse after someone has acknowledged their deficiencies.
Unfortunately, I am not able to be paired with another preceptor due to staffing issues and other orientees having seniority with their preceptors and assignments. Talking to my preceptor has resulted in a lack of empathy and being gas lit. And I can't transfer until after 150 days from date of hire.
TL;Dr - I don't feel supported in my transition to practice program, and I don't feel safe for patient care after being constantly belittled and berated by my preceptor. Constructive criticism is helpful, but belittling is not.
I've only been on orientation for three weeks, and I don't feel like I can go back to the unit anymore. It has caused me to just hate life altogether and I've had passive SI on more than one occasion since my last interaction with my preceptor. I don't want to be blacklisted by the Uni hospital, because I'd love to get my DNP there someday and I've been told that being blacklisted counts for NP clinicals and not just hiring.
I just feel like I have no options left, because talking to the unit director will just put a target on my back and I'm already miserable as it is. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
