New Grad NICU RN Feeling Ashamed. What to do?

[daydreamer_xg]

Hi Everyone! New Grad RN here just venting...

A little background about me...I recently graduated with my ADN in May 2022 and I worked as an extern in a level 3 NICU during my last semester of nursing school. I felt that my extern experience was really challenging, but I also had so much fun learning about neonatal care and disease processes and at the time, I couldn't see myself doing anything else. I am now hired on in the NICU I externed at and I feel like things are different, even though I am basically doing everything I did as an extern. I have been orienting for almost a month, and the pressure of knowing I will be on my own soon makes me feel so overwhelmed with dread and anxiety before my shifts. I have been taking care of my own patients with the supervision of my preceptor, but everyday I am afraid of not doing something right and potentially hurting a baby due to how busy the unit can get. There is a lot to learn and when I forget a certain detail or skill, I feel like I disappoint my preceptor and I can just feel her frustration. I also feel ashamed that with my extern experience, I am still so behind and not catching on as fast as my preceptor hopes. We had a student extern that was working along side with us the other day, and I feel like she is doing a lot better than me and I'm the new grad RN with extern experience.

Everyone says that they don't start to get used to it until after their first year, but lately, it's been hard for me to sleep without thinking about work. Maybe it is too soon to decide and this is just probably a new grad feeling, but I am starting to feel like maybe the stress of the NICU or acute bedside nursing in general isn't for me? I realized too late that I love the academic side of nursing and not so much the clinical aspects of it. Learning about neonatal care and disease processes is my favorite part of the job, but it's been hard for me to apply my knowledge and skills. I have been doing some research on case management and public health nursing and I am intrigued, but I'm literally just scared that what if nursing in general is not for me and that I might have just wasted so much of my time and energy. The plan is to talk to my nursing educator to see what is best for me, but all in all, I really feel ashamed in myself for feeling this way and for not being as good as I should be. I would really love to hear all of your advice and feedback. Thank you for reading ❤️

[jv503]

All that I really have to say is that nursing is an incredibly dynamic career with SO many options that you should be able to pivot to something that makes you feel like you're meant to be there. This idea is exactly why I studied nursing-- you can do everything from critical care, to education, to esthetician nursing. Acute bedside nursing, and certainly critical care AND certainly in the wake of a pandemic, is not for everyone. However... I agree with what you said regarding this being a "new grad feeling". It takes months and months to feel comfortable. When you are released from your preceptor you will not feel ready. When you have been on your own for a few months you will probably still feel shaky. What you need to remember is that you are part of a team and no one wants to see you fail, especially when critically ill humans are involved. Only you can know what is best for you, but I do think you should give it at least a year to make sure that it is not the place for you to be. And it is smart of you to be open and honest with your nurse educator. Good luck!

[NICU Guy, BSN, RN]

Confidence and increased skill level comes with experience. When you were learning to drive a car, you were scared that you were going to do something wrong and get into an accident. Once you got your license and started driving on your own, that fear intensified because no one is there to keep you safe. After years of driving, you no longer have that overwhelming fear of driving. The same happens with your nursing job. It will take time to build skills and confidence. Trust in yourself that you will day by day get better, just like every other nurse that has come before you.

[No Stars In My Eyes]

On 9/1/2022 at 7:21 PM, daydreamer_xg said:

 I really feel ashamed in myself for feeling this way and for not being as good as I should be. 

I had an instructor who used to tell us to stop for a moment and take a deep breath. She said that feelings aren't permanent, they change all the time. She also used to say, "Don't "should' on yourself; It's messy and un-necessary."

I had five years of piano lessons with a piano teacher who corrected me with impatience, and now I 'can't' play a note because I gave it up, thinking I wasn't good enough. Always wished I hadn't given up. 

[subee, MSN, CRNA]

19 hours ago, No Stars In My Eyes said:

I had an instructor who used to tell us to stop for a moment and take a deep breath. She said that feelings aren't permanent, they change all the time. She also used to say, "Don't "should' on yourself; It's messy and un-necessary."

I had five years of piano lessons with a piano teacher who corrected me with impatience, and now I 'can't' play a note because I gave it up, thinking I wasn't good enough. Always wished I hadn't given up. 

This is probably the most stressful part of your career; plus you had to go through school during Covid which might have left you with some lapses.  I never, ever heard a new grad who wasn't miserable during the beginning of that first job.  What you do is difficult enough and then there is the added stress of having to take care of someone else's kid.  Don't spend more than 15-20 minutes thinking about what you could have done better while you are driving home because that's never going to end so just tame that bad habit right now.  Decide how you want to spend your free time and throw in some yoga lessons so you have a skill set to help you de-stress.  Stress in acute care comes with the job.  It's how you handle the stress that counts.

Good luck and remember that many other nurses would love the job you landed!

[toomuchbaloney]

Hang in there.  You feel lonely in this but you aren't alone. 

[Checkers08, BSN, MSN, RN]

In addition to echoing all the other replies, I just wanted to add that it's not too late to realize your passion. It took me 10 years to admit that I also love the academic side of nursing more than the clinical side. Now I am a nursing instructor and loving every minute of it! One of the wonderful things about nursing is that there are so many options. I think you're making a great decision by talking to your nurse educator. Chances are that you're doing a lot better than you think because we are our own worst critics. Hang in there! 

[CommunityRNBSN, BSN, RN]

I think that the fact you did well and loved your externship means you should give it some more time.  When I did all of my clinical rotations in ICU, PICU, etc, I was like "No absolutely not."  I knew before I even graduated that I would never be comfortable or happy working in those areas.  I think that if you were drawn to it originally, you should stick with it for a few more months and see if you start to be more comfortable.

 

[JanedoeRN, BSN, RN]

It's true that most of us will not feel like we know what we're doing for at least a year. With that being said I had a yearly physical and was telling the doctor about the crazy stress level I was experiencing in my job. He said something so simply but so freeing. He said "No one is holding a gun to your head and making you work there. Why don't you try some other position?" I switched jobs, and areas of nursing and my stress problem was gone. Your mental health is important, even if it's a slight pay cut to find something you like.