Caregiving takes its toll on a family. Alzheimer's robs you of your loved one. How you cope determines your sanity, but it is always a fine line. Anxiety & depression are potential for all involved. Missing a person who is still physically present is a difficult position to be in.
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It's a weird feeling. To love someone that isn't quite sure who you are. It grips you, right in the heart, the blank stare. The one where they look right thru you. And you wonder, are they trying to remember? Will I get lucky today?
Sometimes, on a good day, you can tell by looking in their eyes, that they see something in you that clicks, reminds them of some other time. And on a great day, they remember your name. That's life with Alzheimer's.
The cruel twist of fate that grabs your gut & robs your soul, little by little, every second, every day. It's saying hi to a stranger, & goodbye to a person that you love with every ounce of your being, who could care less. It takes you, piece by piece.
In the beginning, you say to yourself, I can do this, but then you forget yourself, and you crumble. You cry, and pray, and miss someone, someone who is still physically there. You hold onto a person, but that person is gone. You pray a silent prayer every time, this day they will know me, know us, know our love.
After a while, you don't even care that they don't remember your name, you just want that feeling, the one where it seems like they recognize you, and it makes them comfortable. Unfortunately, not all of our prayers are answered.
You feel the cut, no matter how much you prepare yourself. It's the first glance that feels like a knife, then the blank stare that feels like someone twisting the knife in your soul. And then you bleed...as you hold them, and feed them, and clean them...you bleed.
It's war, and you are the only soldier. The battleground is in your heart, and the weapons are empty stares. It's a war you don't win. No one comes to your rescue. No one knows your pain. No one that hasn't already fought their own war. It's not a disease that others easily relate too, it's not cancer or a heart attack. Those diseases cause everyone to rally. Everybody's your friend, your support.
It's different with Alzheimer's. You're at home because your loved one can't go out. It causes confusion, anxiety, & paranoia. They forget to tell you they have to go to the bathroom, they forget how to stand, they forget how to eat, they forget you. They get scared, agitated, and you find yourself holding your breath a lot. Waiting and forgetting to breathe, fighting off your own anxiety, and asking yourself 'what could possibly be next?'
So you're at home, alone. Isolation, desperation, and loss take control of you. You don't just lose your loved one, you also lose part of yourself. But it goes so much deeper than that because it saddens you that they forgot themselves. And they were amazing! Alzheimer's disease is a physical loss to an invisible disease. It's a killer. It's a goodbye every time you look in their eyes.
