My name is Kasey. I have been a RN since 2005 and consider myself a very compassionate, hardworking, friendly person. I've been working in a very busy ICU for several years and have received nothing but positive reviews from everyone I have ever worked with. I truly loved what I did. I've always dealt with depression and had some substance abuse issues several years ago due to my depression, however I had been sober for 6 years from prescription medications. Things were going very well in my life until I had my first child 3 months ago. There were many complications during my delivery and I needed an emergency c-section. After days and days of refusing narcotic pain medications, I eventually needed them due to such severe pain...anyway, fastforward 6 weeks later when I had to return to work. I was blindsided by pretty significant post partum depression and it was severe.... I had no choice but to return to work due to lack of paid vacation days. In the end, about a week after I returned to work, I diverted some narcotics. I don't know what I was thinking....depression? Using the pain medication post c-section that I had tried to avoid? I have no idea. There is NO excuse. I am so so ashamed of myself and I hate myself for this. The shame is overwhelming and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I was caught by my nurse manager and everyone was shocked to say the least. This is NOT something that I would be known to do. To make a long story short, I was reported to the Board of Nursing. I had immediately gotten myself involved in a Health Professional Services Program for Nurses but this was not enough. As of yesterday, my license has been suspended for 3 years because of my mental health and substance use. I am devastated and the hatred I have for myself for causing so much pain to my family and friends is more than I can bear. I NEVER intended to cause harm to anyone. I did not deny my patients any pain medication, not that it matters. I do not want pity because I know I deserve this. I am not looking for excuses because there is none. I just cannot forgive myself for doing this. I am usually a very honest, sincere person and I cannot forgive myself for doing this and causing SO many issues because of it. My daughter is now 3 months old and while I feel that I am a great mother, I feel that I have failed her. Being a nurse is the ONLY thing I want to do. I LOVE caring for people and I cannot imagine doing anything else. I guess I don't know what I am asking for. Maybe support? Maybe, "Where can I work now? Maybe just the words, "Everything is going to be okay?" I don't know. What do I do now? I am going to AA/NA meetings frequently, psychiatriatrist, therapist, Health Professionals Services Program and doing EVERYTHING that I need to do to make this better. I've been praying so much. I don't know what to do for 3 years.....Thank you all for listening, I sincerely appreciate it.
KaseyJo- not pathetic at all! & i actually love this thread! this is what we are here for- to encourage & support each other. each of us has felt very needy at times- especially in the beginning when we have brought our world crashing down around us. but it does get better, life does go on & get back on track (of some sort!). and i know that i- even in my well-founded sobriety & recovery- still beat myself up at times- seems to be in our nature. but i know when & how to reign myself in & cut it out!! this is all going to get better!! some day, it will actually be so good you will have a hard time believing it! take it one day at a time- do the next right thing- & it will all play out just as it should!!
Thank you very much for the support. I'm hoping things play out as they should. I'm just worried about what I'm going to do for the next three years while my license is suspended and what happens after three years?? I have so many unanswered questions but I suppose I will find out what will happen when the time comes. I am trying to not feel defeated on a daily basis. I had a phone conference today as my employer appealed my unemployment. I mentioned that I have worked in the ICU for 4 years and was never, ever disciplined, got along with all of my co-workers, always came in early and left late when needed, competently completed all of task to the best of my ability, sincerely cared about my patients and their families and received stellar employment reviews. My RN manager, who I have always gotten along with, was a totally different person today. They gave her an opportunity to state some of my good qualities (she constantly complimented my nursing abilities in the past). She stated, "I can't think of any." My eyes immediately filled with tears mainly because I have a feeling that this will not be the last time that this will happen. Has anything like that ever happened to you?? Sorry, getting WAY off topic but I just thought I'd share. I love that you said that life will someday be so good that I will have a hard time believing it was once so hard. I can't wait for that day.
KaseyJo- i'm sorry, but i did not have to deal with a suspended license- & was able to find a job within the facility where i work. i do know, however, that people- even nursing management- who should know better- can change their opinion of you once it comes to light that you have a drug or alcohol problem of any sort. it's very sad- & in your case- understandably very hurtful. try very hard not to dwell on things like that- that you cannot change. just keep doing the next right thing. you said you pray- in my opinion, if God is in charge of your life- now- you are in good hands- the very best- & he will take care of you & your life- as long as you do your part & do the right things. that doesn't mean it won't be downright difficult at times- but he does have an awesome plan for you!! take care & God bless you!!
KaseyJo, I have dealt with a suspended RN License. I am still dealing with one I know the broad spectrum of feelings you are experiencing. I can promise you this.... IT GETS BETTER. I found a job with a family owned company about a month after my license was suspended. I have been out of medicine for about 18 months. I've been doing things right this go-around in my sobriety and things have gradually gotten better. I will hopefully get my license reinstated in a few months. It has been one heck of a road! Things began to get better when I let go and let God... I forgave myself and quit beating myself up. My suggestion to you would be to start attending meetings and document your attendance, find a sponsor, and see about getting some sort of treatment. This will not only get you on the right path, but it will show your nursing board you mean business. If you want to PM me, I'll go into greater detail with you about my situation with the nursing borad.
I have faced former colleagues and nurse managers 'throwing me under the bus' for lack of a better term. Several of my old coworkers, some who I considered good friends, printed my board order and distributed it around the department I used to work in. I know how betrayed you feel and how much it HURTS you. Try not to dwell on in. Hold your head high and move forward. Surround yourself with those who are Team KaseyJo!! I read this in a post eariler... You are a WONDERFUL person, you just did a not so wonderful thing. It will be ok, I promise.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Wow, that was very very helpful to me, especially on a day like today where I'm struggling to find hope. I have good days and bad days, like most people. I'm not sure that I know how to PM people but I would love to do that if you could tell me how. I've been going to many meetings and am going to be entering treatment as soon as my new insurance goes through. I'm trying to do everything possible to make the situation right. I would love to PM you. Let me know. Thank you very much :)
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
If you want to PM another member, you can go to their Profile page and click on the blue "Send Private Message" button toward the top right of the screen. A blank screen will open up. Then you type your message and hit the 'send' button. That's all there is to it. And when you receive a PM, there will be a red square next to "KaseyJo's Account" at the top of your page with a number in the middle of it, indicating how many messages are waiting for you. Your personal E-mail listed here at AN should alert you to the fact that you have PMs as well. :)
Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.
Thank you very much for the support. I'm hoping things play out as they should. I'm just worried about what I'm going to do for the next three years while my license is suspended and what happens after three years?? I have so many unanswered questions but I suppose I will find out what will happen when the time comes. I am trying to not feel defeated on a daily basis. I had a phone conference today as my employer appealed my unemployment. I mentioned that I have worked in the ICU for 4 years and was never, ever disciplined, got along with all of my co-workers, always came in early and left late when needed, competently completed all of task to the best of my ability, sincerely cared about my patients and their families and received stellar employment reviews. My RN manager, who I have always gotten along with, was a totally different person today. They gave her an opportunity to state some of my good qualities (she constantly complimented my nursing abilities in the past). She stated, "I can't think of any." My eyes immediately filled with tears mainly because I have a feeling that this will not be the last time that this will happen. Has anything like that ever happened to you?? Sorry, getting WAY off topic but I just thought I'd share. I love that you said that life will someday be so good that I will have a hard time believing it was once so hard. I can't wait for that day.
Sounds like your manager has some of her own issues to deal with when it comes to this DISEASE (a family member with the disease, lack of knowledge regarding the disease, etc.).
I am speaking at NKU's nursing program this Friday regarding addiction in the nursing profession. When I spoke last October I asked if anyone had experience with a colleague dealing with addiction. A student told of an experience at a nursing home where she worked as an CNA. They suspected a nurse was diverting and during the investigation they asked this CNA what she thought of the nurse. Her response was, "She's so smart, so nice, and such a good nurse. I can't believe it would be her". Well, it was that nurse. My question to the student was, replace the disease of addiction with diabetes or cancer. If someone asked, could Nurse A have diabetes, would our response be "She's so smart, so nice, and such a good nurse. I can't believe she would be diabetic"?
Of course not! Absurd, right? Well, addiction is a disease no one wants but some of us develop. Genetics, environmental stressors, and exposure can trigger the disease. Someone with addiction is not a bad person trying to become good...they have a chronic, potentially fatal disease and want to become well. Unfortunately, due to overwhelming ignorance, stigma, and numerous myths, most addicts meet amazing amounts of resistance in their efforts to become well.
Hi Kasey. My license was never suspended but rather I ended up with a warning and stips on my license which makes it very hard to find a nursing job..BUT totally doable with persistence and tenacity and.."a little help from my friends". (thank you again Allnurses recovery gurus :bowingpur).
I had a similar painful experience with 2 of my closest (or so I thought) work friends. I was fired by my employer where the incident occurred in 2008. I went to work the following month with a new employer, worked there 3 years, and became very close with 2 nurses there, to whom I told my entire story from the onset of our acquaintance. They were very accepting of me and my past. We spent time together off work, attended big events in each other's lives like weddings, births of grandchildren, etc. It took the nursing board all of those three years to get around to finally adjudicating my case and placing me on restrictions that I must work under the direct supervision of another RN. Since I was at the top of the nursing chain there, I had to resign and find employment where I was not in charge. When I asked my 2 friends for a reference after 3 years of working together and absolutely no practice or personal issues, the replied.."Well...now that your license discipline has become public information, we really do not feel comfortable giving you a reference. We have our own professional reputations to look out for..I am sure you understand."
I was devastated..heartbroken..and very angry. I was able to secure other references and get the job, but I never forget how I felt that day..I moved on and never looked back...you will too!!! Stay strong, stay focused, and stay in touch.
therein lies the problem- because of incidences like this- health professionals with good recovery programs & sobriety are reluctant to speak up & share their stories- because of the stigma - and so perpetuate the vicious cycle. so very sad & non-productive- but so very real.
KaseyJo- Oh goodness how I relate! I am almost 3 years sober and am trying to get back in! My first plan didn't turn out like I was certain it would! So now I am looking at other ways to get back into nursing and maybe eventually anesthesia again. I am reluctant to contact old friends for references for fear of the same thing! I was telling my mom- The mountain just seems so big sometimes! And she said, oh honey just think how strong you will be when you get to the top!
I know the broad spectrum of feelings you are experiencing. I can promise you this.... IT GETS BETTER. I found a job with a family owned company about a month after my license was suspended. I have been out of medicine for about 18 months. I've been doing things right this go-around in my sobriety and things have gradually gotten better. I will hopefully get my license reinstated in a few months. It has been one heck of a road! Things began to get better when I let go and let God... I forgave myself and quit beating myself up. My suggestion to you would be to start attending meetings and document your attendance, find a sponsor, and see about getting some sort of treatment. This will not only get you on the right path, but it will show your nursing board you mean business. If you want to PM me, I'll go into greater detail with you about my situation with the nursing borad. 
TXRN2
324 Posts
KaseyJo- not pathetic at all! & i actually love this thread! this is what we are here for- to encourage & support each other. each of us has felt very needy at times- especially in the beginning when we have brought our world crashing down around us. but it does get better, life does go on & get back on track (of some sort!). and i know that i- even in my well-founded sobriety & recovery- still beat myself up at times- seems to be in our nature. but i know when & how to reign myself in & cut it out!! this is all going to get better!! some day, it will actually be so good you will have a hard time believing it! take it one day at a time- do the next right thing- & it will all play out just as it should!!