Need support, very depressed.

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Specializes in ICU/Critical Care.

My name is Kasey. I have been a RN since 2005 and consider myself a very compassionate, hardworking, friendly person. I've been working in a very busy ICU for several years and have received nothing but positive reviews from everyone I have ever worked with. I truly loved what I did. I've always dealt with depression and had some substance abuse issues several years ago due to my depression, however I had been sober for 6 years from prescription medications. Things were going very well in my life until I had my first child 3 months ago. There were many complications during my delivery and I needed an emergency c-section. After days and days of refusing narcotic pain medications, I eventually needed them due to such severe pain...anyway, fastforward 6 weeks later when I had to return to work. I was blindsided by pretty significant post partum depression and it was severe.... I had no choice but to return to work due to lack of paid vacation days. In the end, about a week after I returned to work, I diverted some narcotics. I don't know what I was thinking....depression? Using the pain medication post c-section that I had tried to avoid? I have no idea. There is NO excuse. I am so so ashamed of myself and I hate myself for this. The shame is overwhelming and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I was caught by my nurse manager and everyone was shocked to say the least. This is NOT something that I would be known to do. To make a long story short, I was reported to the Board of Nursing. I had immediately gotten myself involved in a Health Professional Services Program for Nurses but this was not enough. As of yesterday, my license has been suspended for 3 years because of my mental health and substance use. I am devastated and the hatred I have for myself for causing so much pain to my family and friends is more than I can bear. I NEVER intended to cause harm to anyone. I did not deny my patients any pain medication, not that it matters. I do not want pity because I know I deserve this. I am not looking for excuses because there is none. I just cannot forgive myself for doing this. I am usually a very honest, sincere person and I cannot forgive myself for doing this and causing SO many issues because of it. My daughter is now 3 months old and while I feel that I am a great mother, I feel that I have failed her. Being a nurse is the ONLY thing I want to do. I LOVE caring for people and I cannot imagine doing anything else. I guess I don't know what I am asking for. Maybe support? Maybe, "Where can I work now? Maybe just the words, "Everything is going to be okay?" I don't know. What do I do now? I am going to AA/NA meetings frequently, psychiatriatrist, therapist, Health Professionals Services Program and doing EVERYTHING that I need to do to make this better. I've been praying so much. I don't know what to do for 3 years.....Thank you all for listening, I sincerely appreciate it.

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Specializes in Long term care.

Everything IS going to be ok. I share your pain. The two things in my life that I was the most proud of are being a nurse and mom. Feeling like a failure as a mom was the most difficult aspect of my addiction. My daughter, 12, asked why I was so hard on myself. I said I still hate myself for what I've done and the pain I've caused. She said, "My brother (8) and I have forgiven you, why can't you forgive yourself." When the hell did kids get so smart?

Your daughter will never see you as a failure. She doesn't care about what has happened. All she knows is you are her mother, and nothing will take that away.

This is the day my sobriety was set in stone. I came home after having a horrible day, sick of people trashing me as a nurse and a mom. Above the sink was a paper plate that my daughter wrote on.

Mom, no matter what anyone says to you or about you I will always love you. You will always be my mother. I don't care what bad is said, I will always love you.

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Specializes in ICU/Critical Care.

Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words more than you know.

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Specializes in Impaired Nurse Advocate, CRNA, ER,.

Addiction is a genetically based, environmentally induced disease that affects the mesolimbic system and prefrontal cortex of the brain. While it's true that a person is responsible for choosing to use a mood altering chemical, whether in a recreational environment or for medical reasons (pain management, treatment for anxiety or other psychiatric disorders, or insomnia, etc.), no one chooses to become an addict. Addiction is a chronic, progressive, ultimately fatal disease if left untreated. The disease can progress quickly or slowly, depending on the "drug of (no) choice". The more potent the drug, the faster the disease will progress.

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON TRYING TO BECOME GOOD...YOU HAVE A CHRONIC, PROGRESSIVE, POTENTIALLY FATAL DISEASE AND ARE TRYING TO BECOME WELL!

Watch this excellent video discussing the disease of addiction. Dr. Kevin McCauley, an addictionologist and recovering addict himself, provides an interesting and entertaining look at the question, "Is Addiction REALLY a Disease?".

Dr. Kevin McCauley gives a keynote presentation regarding addiction.

The Institute for Addiction Studies

Treating Addiction as a Chronic Disorder (which it is).

The Science of Addiction

Resources for Health Care Professionals

Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment: A Research-Based Guide - Second Edition

Principles of HIV Prevention in Drug-Using Populations - including a Q&A section

Drug Abuse & Mental Illness (Comorbidity)

NIDA Networking Project

Drug Testing

Stress & Drug Abuse

Treatment Approaches for Drug Addicion. Summary of current treatment methods and types of treatment programs.

Principles of Drug Abuse Treatment for Criminal Justice Populations: A Research Based Guide. Guide for treating drug abusers within criminal justice settings.

Principles of Drug Addiction Treatment: A Research-Based Guide (Second Edition). Summarizes the principles of effective treatment, answers common questions, and describes types of treatment, with examples. (Manual).

NIDA Clinical Toolbox. Science-based materials for drug abuse treatment providers. Links to treatment manuals, research reports, and more. (List of links).

Costs and Substance Abuse Treatment Programs. Uses step-by-step instructions, exercises, and worksheets to help professionals determine the cost effectiveness and benefits of treatment programs. (Manual).

WHAT IF WE REALLY BELIEVED THAT ADDICTION WAS A CHRONIC DISORDER ?

Jack

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Specializes in Paediatrics.

Hey Kasey,

It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, including a lot of self hatred and shame.

Those things won't help you, holding onto them will only prolong your suffering and cause a bigger rift inside yourself than you know.

Try to remember you are still the amazing you, all those good things you've done, the way you can make your baby smile, the love you have for people, the kindness you've shown in your life.

Because things will get better, remember the three years will one day be over.

You can only work with what you have now. Focusing on the past won't help you, just tell yourself you won't do it again and continue getting help to prevent it happening again by participating in the allocated programs.

From there forgive yourself, because otherwise it'll only fester and hurt you for a long time.

You don't deserve that. Just grasp it was a mistake, a stupid, foolish mistake I can't take away the severity of it, but what's done is done, now work on your future and being happy again.

Those are the most important things.

Maybe you can spend time with family, on a diploma of interest, a hobby or something else for your mental health or education self improvement. A time to take a step back and experience a different way of life for a while.

Sending lots of prayers and well wishes your way

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Specializes in ICU/Critical Care.

Thank you both SO very much. Your encouragement means a lot to me. It took me several attempts to actually write down my situation because I was so very ashamed and nervous about what others might think of me. Many of my close friends are not speaking to me and that hurts because I feel that they should know what kind of person I really am. You all do not even know me and are still being extremely supportive. I've never experienced that before. Anyway, I don't want to complain about my situation more than I have to and I don't want to feel sorry for myself because I don't like to do that.... but the fact that you guys actually care makes me feel very comforted and gives me strength to get through this. Thank you again.

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

:hug: Kasey Jo :hug:

There isn't much I can add to the excellent posts by jackstem, Gold_SJ, and Hatchett. Just know that none of us walks on water---your struggles are shared by more than you know---and that God (or whatever your concept of a Higher Power is) has already forgiven you. It's time to forgive yourself now. :heartbeat

Have you considered the possibility that you are suffering from postpartum depression? If not, please have this discussion with your pdoc/therapist/OB-GYN as soon as possible. This is not the "baby blues", which almost all new mothers experience for a few days when the hormones are going crazy and they're sleep-deprived to boot. Post-partum depression is a fairly common condition which, unfortunately, tends to get worse with each succeeding pregnancy, so if you do have another child one day you'll want to be prepared for that possibility.

Oftentimes, a rough pregnancy and/or traumatic birth experience are factors in its development, but even mothers who have normal births under ideal circumstances can get it. Of course I'm not an MD so I can't diagnose you; I'm just a fellow nurse and mom who also happens to be an alcoholic (20 years sober) and bipolar, and I went through this with each of my five children. (The last time, I actually experienced postpartum psychosis and had horrible, uncontrollable thoughts about harming myself and my baby. At the time, I had no idea that this phenomenon even existed; I was SO ashamed of it that it took several years before I was even able to talk about it. To this day I'm grateful that that child was my last. He's now almost 21. :) )

So, I understand the shame and guilt that go along with what you are experiencing. A lot of people here do, and we're here to help. Just keep working your program, continue to learn and grow, and stay updated with current nursing practice because you WILL be back, almost before you know it. Hang in there!!

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Specializes in ICU/Critical Care.

Thank you very much. I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression but after the diversion incident. I had a feeling that's what it was but I assumed it would pass...it didn't. I did inform the nursing board of this, not as an excuse though. I just thought it would be important to mention as they seemed to think of me as a monster. To make a long story short, I had adjustments with my antidepressant medications and I now feel like a different person. I unfortunately should have dealt with it sooner but it's dealt with now. I'm sorry that you had to deal with it so badly. It's a horrible horrible feeling, especially when you're "supposed" to be filled with joy. That's how I felt anyway. When I came to this site and shared my story I did not expect support like this. I am so happy that I don't have to feel so alone anymore. I appreciate all of your encouraging words. They help me get through the day.

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Specializes in ICU/Critical Care.

P.S. Congrats on your sobriety. That is amazing :)

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Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

Thank you. It's not as amazing as you might think, though........sometimes it's all I can do to hang on to it. I had the fight to end all fights with my 20-year-old son a couple of weekends ago that sent me into such a tailspin that if there'd been some hard liquor in the house, I think I'd have consumed it. It's the closest I've come to violating abstinence in all those 20 years. So I try not to get too carried away with the knowledge that I've stayed on the wagon all this time; all that stands between me and destruction is that one sip of ETOH.

Of course, we got over the argument within 24 hours; it's always that way. I think he realized he'd pushed me too far and has been wonderful ever since. It was pretty scary though, because I'd been relatively sure of my sobriety up till then. Just got to keep on keeping on. :)

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Specializes in Psych.

Kasey my heart goes out to you! God bless you for seeking help and support, you are much stronger than you realise. We all make mistakes in this thing we call life. Just remember your daughter loves you unconditionally .. I know because I found out what that meant when I became a mother 17 years ago at the age of 30, and my son still tells me daily that he loves me. Being a nurse is not the only thing in life. Focus on your child and what makes you a good mom. Look at continuing your education if possible. Try doing something different for awhile. I know its difficult and yes, this "ding" on your license will follow you forever and you will have to tell every prospecitve nursing employer the facts of it because I had a year of probation on my RN license years ago, for a different reason, and something that I didn't even do but none the less was accused of therefore I must have been guilty -right. Don't want you to be discouraged just aware (so keep records of everything that involves your license and treatment). None of us are perfect. Hang in there kid it will get better!! :kiss

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Specializes in ICU/Critical Care.

Well I sure think it's amazing. I think that anyone with addiction issues is one drink or one pill etc.. away from destruction. And the fact that you didn't drive to the liquor store is admirable. Thank you for your encouraging words.

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