My name is Kasey. I have been a RN since 2005 and consider myself a very compassionate, hardworking, friendly person. I've been working in a very busy ICU for several years and have received nothing but positive reviews from everyone I have ever worked with. I truly loved what I did. I've always dealt with depression and had some substance abuse issues several years ago due to my depression, however I had been sober for 6 years from prescription medications. Things were going very well in my life until I had my first child 3 months ago. There were many complications during my delivery and I needed an emergency c-section. After days and days of refusing narcotic pain medications, I eventually needed them due to such severe pain...anyway, fastforward 6 weeks later when I had to return to work. I was blindsided by pretty significant post partum depression and it was severe.... I had no choice but to return to work due to lack of paid vacation days. In the end, about a week after I returned to work, I diverted some narcotics. I don't know what I was thinking....depression? Using the pain medication post c-section that I had tried to avoid? I have no idea. There is NO excuse. I am so so ashamed of myself and I hate myself for this. The shame is overwhelming and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I was caught by my nurse manager and everyone was shocked to say the least. This is NOT something that I would be known to do. To make a long story short, I was reported to the Board of Nursing. I had immediately gotten myself involved in a Health Professional Services Program for Nurses but this was not enough. As of yesterday, my license has been suspended for 3 years because of my mental health and substance use. I am devastated and the hatred I have for myself for causing so much pain to my family and friends is more than I can bear. I NEVER intended to cause harm to anyone. I did not deny my patients any pain medication, not that it matters. I do not want pity because I know I deserve this. I am not looking for excuses because there is none. I just cannot forgive myself for doing this. I am usually a very honest, sincere person and I cannot forgive myself for doing this and causing SO many issues because of it. My daughter is now 3 months old and while I feel that I am a great mother, I feel that I have failed her. Being a nurse is the ONLY thing I want to do. I LOVE caring for people and I cannot imagine doing anything else. I guess I don't know what I am asking for. Maybe support? Maybe, "Where can I work now? Maybe just the words, "Everything is going to be okay?" I don't know. What do I do now? I am going to AA/NA meetings frequently, psychiatriatrist, therapist, Health Professionals Services Program and doing EVERYTHING that I need to do to make this better. I've been praying so much. I don't know what to do for 3 years.....Thank you all for listening, I sincerely appreciate it.
where are you? do they have a diversion program? 3 years seems pretty harsh for a first offense, don't they have like a treatment option?
i am so sorry you are having to go through all of this! my heart really, really goes out to you. when i had my first baby i had postpartum depression, or at least that's what i thought. in hindsight it may have just been untreated alcoholism. anyway, i went back to work, told everyone i was depressed, told my midwife whom i worked with, my nurse manager, everyone. nobody cared. they really kind of shamed me for it to be honest. anyway, there came a day where i started diverting. little by little. after about 6 months i knew there was something really wrong with me. i couldn't quit and i couldn't not quit i was a mess. i didn't really know what an addict was so this hadn't crossed my mind. in my head it was like it's an action. just don't stick a damn needle in your arm. how hard can that be not to do?! yet i couldn't stop. so i quit my job thinking that would help. right before my last day they busted me in a very public manner. it was awful. despite that i didn't get sober. i went through a diversion program through the bon but wasn't serious. got caught again. then again. then again. until i finally lost my license. i felt horrible. less then horrible. i started my only cleaning business. do you know people in aa are very particular about their toilets? kidding. but i did what i had to to stay alive. support my family. i went to tons of meetings. people were great. i worked really hard. i got my license back. i got out of the diversion program. i got my dream job, then another dream job i didn't know i wanted. then i got into grad school and now i'm a semester away from graduating from an fnp program. what i'm saying is what everybody else has already said. it will get better if you want it and you work for it. for the first 4 years of sobriety i went to meetings about 5-7 times a week. years 5-6 more like 2 to 3 but still worked with my sponsor and in sponsorship groups with my sober sisters. now i'm almost 7 years sober. would i do it differently if i could? maybe. it can be a pain having a marked record but it took what it took. my husband stayed with me, poor sorry codependent he is, my kids have a sober happy and loving mom and i don't have to fight. is life all pink clouds and unicorns? absolutely not. i'm going through a really stressful time myself right now but i have the tools to deal with it without getting loaded. no matter what, sobriety has to come first. anything you put before it you will loose. i only know one way to do this and it's the 12 steps. others may have other methods they have used successfully but i haven't. there is a reason aa is the largest, fastest growing club that nobody wants to belong to. whatever it is for you, and it can't be kids, husband, or yourself it has to be first. i hope you don't mind me saying that when reading your initial post you talked a lot about "why" you drank. that the depression caused it. there is no cause. there is no why. it's the disease of addiction that's why you used. why were you depressed? maybe postpartum. maybe untreated addiction. who knows. what matters is that you fully surrender to the idea that you are an addict. it's not a bad thing. i know i'm not a bad person. nor was i. like others have said it's not a bad person trying to get good its a sick person trying to get well. it's simple but not easy. we can complicate and confuse things like crazy. use this time to get better. when the three years are up, and you are healthy believe me it will be an entirely new game, if you're sober. my old sponsor used to tell me if you're sober god or higher power will take care of you. you'll be ok. but if you're not sober all bets are off. please try not to dwell on the future. when was the last time you accurately predicted the future anyway? live today. one day at a time. if you stay sober the future will take care of itself and you'll be ok. if you don't there may not be one to worry about.
Wow...thank you guys so so much. I can't explain how much your stories mean to me. It seems that when I feel so alone, I log onto this site and someone says something that completely gets me through the day. The stigma of being an addict is very painful. This is sort of trivial, but I went onto my Facebook account the other day and noticed that my "friends" number was dramatically lower. It seemed that many of my "friends" from work had defriended me. I know I sound like a 16 year old girl but it's just another example of what has been going on. I have 2 very close friends in NA/AA who would never ever let me down. I'm coming to realize that I'd rather have only 2 very good friends than 100 fair-weather friends. I'm in Minnesota and apparently they are becoming extremely strict with diversion cases. I understand the seriousness of my situation and I feel that I deserve everything they gave me. I was just a little depressed because my reputation as a nurse prior to this was exceptional. I had excellent reviews and felt that I went above and beyond my duties as a nurse. After the diversion, I got myself involved in the Minnesota Health Professionals Services Program but the BON didn't seem to care a whole lot. I guess I would be more accepting of the suspension if I had been a lazy, incompetent, overall lousy RN who was disciplined a lot....but, this was not the case. Anyway, I don't like to portray self-pity, that's not how I want to be. I will just take things one day at a time and work as hard as I can to make my situation better. I go to TONS of meetings and have been entirely sober since the incident. I'm hoping things will look up. Thank you all again. Your support is overwhelming.
I know how you feel. I wake up every day crying, if I can even fall asleep. Im gonna try for a peer assistance program, and hope its not too late. This job is my life and without it I can't keep finding reasons to keep living. Im sorry Im doing the opposite of encouragement. but someone somewhere is feeling the same thing you are.
Don't be sorry. I don't need to be constantly encouraged. I need to learn how to do that for myself, too. Being a nurse is my life, too. On my Kindergarden art project on what we wanted to be when we grew up...mine was a nurse...and it always has been. If I didn't have to take care of my 4 month old daughter everyday, I would have a very difficult time getting out of bed. But, I have to believe that there is hope. Today, I'm going to be the best person I can be and I'm going to be sober...that's all I can really do. I'm learning very quickly how many things I just have no control over. I pray constantly and I honestly feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. My husband and I went from living a comfortable life to currently being close to bankruptcy and forclosure. I look at my daughter everyday and say to myself, "Why did you start off her life like this?" I know that she is being well taken care of but the guilt is always there. What I'm trying to say is that things HAVE to get better because I can't feel much worse than I already do. I think the same goes for you. I don't know your story or your circumstances...but in the end, we're all fighting the same battle. I'm not the best at giving advice as I got myself into a pretty crappy situation myself...but I am a good listener and would love to hear what you have going on. Since I started on this site, people have been so good to me...I would love to be good to someone in return.
My husband and I went from living a comfortable life to currently being close to bankruptcy and forclosure. I look at my daughter everyday and say to myself, "Why did you start off her life like this?" I know that she is being well taken care of but the guilt is always there.
KaseyJo,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was addicted to pain meds prior to getting pregnant, found out I was pregnant and stopped everything cold turkey. Stayed clean until my son was born, then of course was given some pain meds after his birth. I thought I could go back to taking them "responsibly" but by the time I went back to work (he was born Oct 21 and I was back at work Dec 26), I was back at the level I left off. I was found unconscious at work January 26, 2008 in the ICU where I was employed. I don't even remember the first 8-9 months of my son's life, truth be told. He started walking when I was in rehab (even after almost dying from the accidental overdose, I went back out for a few months and didn't get sober until entering into my state's monitoring contract in June 2008). My husband had to file banktruptcy to try and keep our house, which we ended up losing a year later anyway. I've lost my house, my grandfather, and my mother....all in sobriety.
My son doesn't remember, nor does he care that I missed his first 9 months of life. I have guilt from time to time but it doesn't come as frequently as it used to. The fact is, I wasn't a bad mother. I was a sick mom. I'm healthy now and have been sober over 4 years. As long as I continue doing what I'm doing (recovery), I can be a good mom. I have a job I LOVE....weird, because I never thought about working anywhere other than the ICU. I'm a psych nurse now and I love it. I'm good at it and it's a daily reminder of where my life can go should I decide to quit working the program and go out (many, many of my clients have problems with substance abuse).
Life is good today, although not easy at times. We struggle financially, my credit is in the toilet and probably will be for many more years to come (rehab alone cost me $28,000 and the costs for my monitoring contract will total over $10.000 after the 5 years are up). Keep doing what you are doing and know you are a good mommy. As for the "friends" and ex coworkers....one of the gals I went to nursing school with sees me often as our teen girls are always in the same class. When I told why I was no longer in the ICU, she went "Oh" with disdain in her voice and now keeps her distance. As if it might be catching...LOL. There will always be people who don't understand; that's okay by me. The important people in my life get it....my husband, my in-laws, my sponsor, and all the women I've made friends with over the past few years in the program. :-)
but someone somewhere is feeling the same thing you are.
finley
5 Posts
hi kasey,
where are you? do they have a diversion program? 3 years seems pretty harsh for a first offense, don't they have like a treatment option?
i am so sorry you are having to go through all of this! my heart really, really goes out to you. when i had my first baby i had postpartum depression, or at least that's what i thought. in hindsight it may have just been untreated alcoholism. anyway, i went back to work, told everyone i was depressed, told my midwife whom i worked with, my nurse manager, everyone. nobody cared. they really kind of shamed me for it to be honest. anyway, there came a day where i started diverting. little by little. after about 6 months i knew there was something really wrong with me. i couldn't quit and i couldn't not quit i was a mess. i didn't really know what an addict was so this hadn't crossed my mind. in my head it was like it's an action. just don't stick a damn needle in your arm. how hard can that be not to do?! yet i couldn't stop. so i quit my job thinking that would help. right before my last day they busted me in a very public manner. it was awful. despite that i didn't get sober. i went through a diversion program through the bon but wasn't serious. got caught again. then again. then again. until i finally lost my license. i felt horrible. less then horrible. i started my only cleaning business. do you know people in aa are very particular about their toilets? kidding. but i did what i had to to stay alive. support my family. i went to tons of meetings. people were great. i worked really hard. i got my license back. i got out of the diversion program. i got my dream job, then another dream job i didn't know i wanted. then i got into grad school and now i'm a semester away from graduating from an fnp program. what i'm saying is what everybody else has already said. it will get better if you want it and you work for it. for the first 4 years of sobriety i went to meetings about 5-7 times a week. years 5-6 more like 2 to 3 but still worked with my sponsor and in sponsorship groups with my sober sisters. now i'm almost 7 years sober. would i do it differently if i could? maybe. it can be a pain having a marked record but it took what it took. my husband stayed with me, poor sorry codependent he is, my kids have a sober happy and loving mom and i don't have to fight. is life all pink clouds and unicorns? absolutely not. i'm going through a really stressful time myself right now but i have the tools to deal with it without getting loaded. no matter what, sobriety has to come first. anything you put before it you will loose. i only know one way to do this and it's the 12 steps. others may have other methods they have used successfully but i haven't. there is a reason aa is the largest, fastest growing club that nobody wants to belong to. whatever it is for you, and it can't be kids, husband, or yourself it has to be first. i hope you don't mind me saying that when reading your initial post you talked a lot about "why" you drank. that the depression caused it. there is no cause. there is no why. it's the disease of addiction that's why you used. why were you depressed? maybe postpartum. maybe untreated addiction. who knows. what matters is that you fully surrender to the idea that you are an addict. it's not a bad thing. i know i'm not a bad person. nor was i. like others have said it's not a bad person trying to get good its a sick person trying to get well. it's simple but not easy. we can complicate and confuse things like crazy. use this time to get better. when the three years are up, and you are healthy believe me it will be an entirely new game, if you're sober. my old sponsor used to tell me if you're sober god or higher power will take care of you. you'll be ok. but if you're not sober all bets are off. please try not to dwell on the future. when was the last time you accurately predicted the future anyway? live today. one day at a time. if you stay sober the future will take care of itself and you'll be ok. if you don't there may not be one to worry about.
please let us know how you're doing!
fin