My name is Kasey. I have been a RN since 2005 and consider myself a very compassionate, hardworking, friendly person. I've been working in a very busy ICU for several years and have received nothing but positive reviews from everyone I have ever worked with. I truly loved what I did. I've always dealt with depression and had some substance abuse issues several years ago due to my depression, however I had been sober for 6 years from prescription medications. Things were going very well in my life until I had my first child 3 months ago. There were many complications during my delivery and I needed an emergency c-section. After days and days of refusing narcotic pain medications, I eventually needed them due to such severe pain...anyway, fastforward 6 weeks later when I had to return to work. I was blindsided by pretty significant post partum depression and it was severe.... I had no choice but to return to work due to lack of paid vacation days. In the end, about a week after I returned to work, I diverted some narcotics. I don't know what I was thinking....depression? Using the pain medication post c-section that I had tried to avoid? I have no idea. There is NO excuse. I am so so ashamed of myself and I hate myself for this. The shame is overwhelming and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I was caught by my nurse manager and everyone was shocked to say the least. This is NOT something that I would be known to do. To make a long story short, I was reported to the Board of Nursing. I had immediately gotten myself involved in a Health Professional Services Program for Nurses but this was not enough. As of yesterday, my license has been suspended for 3 years because of my mental health and substance use. I am devastated and the hatred I have for myself for causing so much pain to my family and friends is more than I can bear. I NEVER intended to cause harm to anyone. I did not deny my patients any pain medication, not that it matters. I do not want pity because I know I deserve this. I am not looking for excuses because there is none. I just cannot forgive myself for doing this. I am usually a very honest, sincere person and I cannot forgive myself for doing this and causing SO many issues because of it. My daughter is now 3 months old and while I feel that I am a great mother, I feel that I have failed her. Being a nurse is the ONLY thing I want to do. I LOVE caring for people and I cannot imagine doing anything else. I guess I don't know what I am asking for. Maybe support? Maybe, "Where can I work now? Maybe just the words, "Everything is going to be okay?" I don't know. What do I do now? I am going to AA/NA meetings frequently, psychiatriatrist, therapist, Health Professionals Services Program and doing EVERYTHING that I need to do to make this better. I've been praying so much. I don't know what to do for 3 years.....Thank you all for listening, I sincerely appreciate it.
Thank you Shalimar1113. I know that this will follow me around forever and that does make me very upset. I'm trying to accept this and stay positive. I know that I'm a good person and a good nurse, I just have a strong tendency of beating myself up over and over. In some twisted way, punishing myself makes me feel better about what happened but I know that's futile in my recovery. I'm hoping that when the time comes for me to enter back into nursing that prospective employers will try to look past my mistakes and see the person and nurse I really am. That's just wishful thinking of course but that is my hope. I have a strong desire to go back to school...I want to help other nurses with these issues. I don't want other nurses to have to feel this way and go through this sadness....okay, I've probably talked too much....I'm getting off the topic at hand. Thank you again.
I know this seems pathetic as you all have already given me such great advice but I just feel that I need the extra reassurance that everything is going to work out. So you all feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me? For me and my family? Knowing that there is hope for me to be a great nurse again gives me the strength to keep fighting. I'm usually not this "needy" but words help me a lot. Thank you all.
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.
Not pathetic at all, KaseyJo. In your place I would be just as devastated and just as much in need of reassurance....maybe even more. Everything WILL work out for you in the long run, as long as you stay clean and manage your depression correctly. I know that without sobriety, I have nothing, and nothing good in my life would have been possible if I hadn't given up the bottle. You know what you have to do. I have every confidence that you can and will do it. :hug:
Hi! You are not alone. There are many nurses that are recovering Myself included. I have been sober for 8 months. You are not a bad person. You are sick. And you are getting better. I self reported to the BON and I have restrictions on my license. I found a job that supports recovery that I really like. I am in a proffesionals recovery program, monitored aftercare, went to inpatient for 8 weeks, IOP for 4 weeks, in a halfway house for 10 of those weeks and then in sober living for four months. You have not failed your family. You will get better and there is hope. One day at a time. Sometimes, one hour at a time. Please call your states nursing organization and see if they have a program for recovering nurses. I went to a program just for nurses, but my state also has suport groups sponsored by GNA. That way, you find out how not alone you are. Good luck. And it will be ok.
Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.
Hugs and well wishes for you, Kasey. Not much to add to the excellent advice you've already received. Lots of us have been through or know someone who has walked through the fire and come out on the other side. (((kasey))) It says a lot about you that you are responding to each message. :redpinkhe
I'm becoming more of a spiritual person everyday since this has happened. I pray constantly. It's unfortunate that it took a situation such as this to reconnect me to God but I feel closer to him than I ever have before. I try to think of this as a blessing in disguise. It sounds crazy but I try to constantly convince myself of that.
A few years ago I did something pretty awful and out of character and suffered some very dire consequences because of my actions. I, too, was feeling depressed and ashamed of my behavior, worried what my friends and family would think. I hesitantly revealed to a close friend of mine what I had done, waiting for her judgement. She turned to me and said, "You are a good person who did a bad thing. Learn from it and let it go." Her words completely changed my outlook on the situation and more importantly, allowed me to forgive myself. Even though I don't know you, reading your story and comments in this thread, I believe this goes for you too. We ALL mistakes. It is what we learn from those mistakes that defines our character. I wish you the best in your recovery.
How often does it take a "bad" situation for us to be shocked enough to be forced to step back and re-evaluate our lives. I agree with VivaLasViejas, everything will be fine...it might not be exactly what you wanted, or how you saw your situation resolving, but you will find the path you are supposed to follow and you can be stronger for it.
I went to school with a girl who was on the bomb squad for the Army. Whenever one of us was upset or distressed, she would look at us and say, "Did the bomb go off? No? Then there is always a resolution". Did your bomb go off? I don't think so, considering what the outcomes could have been working as an impaired nurse. But maybe it rolled close enough to startle you into action. Good for you for taking the first steps.
Good luck and keep seeing the blessings. They will become your reality.
Thank you so much for that story. It's very true. I thought the bomb had gone off, but you're right...it didn't. It could have been much much worse. And for that, I'm thankful. Sometimes it's hard to see the goodness in your life when the fog of depression gets in the way. I'm SO SO grateful for all the encouraging responses. I'm receiving more support from you all, people I don't even know, than from close friends and family I've known all my life. Gives me hope.
KaseyJo
45 Posts
Thank you Shalimar1113. I know that this will follow me around forever and that does make me very upset. I'm trying to accept this and stay positive. I know that I'm a good person and a good nurse, I just have a strong tendency of beating myself up over and over. In some twisted way, punishing myself makes me feel better about what happened but I know that's futile in my recovery. I'm hoping that when the time comes for me to enter back into nursing that prospective employers will try to look past my mistakes and see the person and nurse I really am. That's just wishful thinking of course but that is my hope. I have a strong desire to go back to school...I want to help other nurses with these issues. I don't want other nurses to have to feel this way and go through this sadness....okay, I've probably talked too much....I'm getting off the topic at hand. Thank you again.