Need Help with Smoking Issue!!!!!!!

[Nursey103]

Ok...I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we live together. I quit my job in August and he's been supporting me while I'm going to nursing school. He's a smoker and has continuously tried to stop over the years. I'm finally ok with that - he'll quit when he's ready. But there is one thing that he does over and over again that is REALLY frustrating. He smokes in our office every now and then. He thinks the smell will go away but it never does. It lingers for days and I have to keep the window open and burn candles!! I am a VERY anti-smoking person and so if we ever fight, the smoking is usually the reason. We have talked over and over about smoking outside but he either forgets, thinks the smell won't last by the time I get home, or he just doesn't care. The last time he did this was yesterday and said his friend was going through a hard time and he let him smoke in the office. I don't wanna be mean but really.....he couldn't go outside?!? I feel this request is not that big of a big deal!!!!

I don't know what to do anymore. We've tried talking and he agrees, but a month later, he'll do it again and I get stuck having to study in there with the disgusting smell!!!!! :angryfire

I'm desperate......:scrm:.......anyone with any suggestions?!?!

[amarilla, RN]

Just my opinion as a longtime smoker, but 'trying to help' someone quit is picking. My partner tried all of those things, too: reminding me how many people we've lost in my family, (my dad too, I was 10), encouraging me to go to the gym more, taking longer walks after dinner, buying books and patches, sending me articles about studies and various crutches...

and it only made me feel more stressed. I smoked more, if anything, and had numerous starts and stops with failed quits. Each one preceded a period of heavier smoking and a new round of 'helping'.

If he wanted to help himself, he would. He would order and pick up his prescription. He would join quitnet and make qbuds. He would read the books and turn over the risks in his mind. I hate to say this, but it should tell you plenty that he isn't doing any of these things for himself.

Telling someone - in their house - that smoking outside is the only option isn't a compromise. You see it as him being able to 'smoke it up whenever he wanted'...

but it really means that he has to stand, squat or otherwise be uncomfortable, outside, whenever he wants to smoke. As a smoker, it's irritating to constantly have to leave the room - leaving behind the radio, TV, movie, book, conversation, etc - to go outside to smoke, particularly when in your own home. Instead of being a few moments of relaxation, it feels like an uncomfortable disruption.

The fact he is still smoking (intermittently) in the office despite your complaints might indicate he doesn't feel it's a fair compromise, either.

Best,

Southern

[xxkouxx]

i would suggest for you to talk to him AGAIN and show him this thread you started, that it really bothers you so much...maybe for him seeing your actually asking for other people for advice on what to do would knock his senses out....

i used to be a smoker,and its hard quitting too but because my now husband then boyfriend doesnt like it and asked me to stop smoking, i stopped for him at first but also realized its for my own good....just decided to stop,never tried anything to help me but honestly im still craving for it...but health and family is important so im still staying away rom it, two years in counting..

God Bless

[Nursey103, ADN, RN]

so when he asks me to help him.....should i tell him no?? he's always asking me to help him quit and those were the things i've tried.

i'm not a smoker and that's why it's hard for me to get it. i don't think going outside....sitting in our patio or standing....is a huge inconvenience. he doesn't smoke in the office all the time either....for the most part he pretty much goes outside....talks on his phone, visits friends in our neighborhood. that's why i feel it's not that big of a deal. since he usually smokes outside anyways...

even if it's only a couple times a month - i just don't want to compromise and say ok....go ahead and smoke in the house every few weeks - because before you know it...he'll be smoking in the house all the time!

"telling someone - in their house - that smoking outside is the only option isn't a compromise. you see it as him being able to 'smoke it up whenever he wanted'..." --it's my house too so how is it a compromise for me??

[tiggerdagibit]

Well, when we first go together....way back when.....he said he was a "social smoker" and only smoked when he was out w/ friends.

Also, he knew I was very anti-smoking when he met me and when he asked me to move in with him years ago.

I understand your concern for his and your health and as a smoker, I agree that it stinks. I truly hope he is able to quit or you guys can reach some kind of compromise that works for both of you.

The thing that strikes me the most is that you knew that he smoked when you met (just social or not) and he knew that you were very anti-smoking. Also, you've been together for 8 years! You knew that he smoked when he asked you to move in with him, but you agreed anyway. You both knew what you were getting into. Either way, I can't help but wonder why you would even consider dating someone that smokes, being as anti-smoking as you are, and stay with him for 8 years! That goes for him too. As I said before, I smoke and I can't imagine being with someone that felt like you do and being told that I couldn't smoke in my own home if I want to. Smoking is a huge issue and I know very few people that could take it or leave it. Most are either pro smokers rights or anti-smoking. I'm not trying to attack you or anything, it just doesn't make sense to me. As for suggestions, I was going to suggest Chantix, but you said that he won't stick with it. I've also heard good things about that book. I hope it will work for him (and you!)

[Nursey103, ADN, RN]

I know! I don't know how we've made it this long...ha!

We met at work and I didn't know he smoked - he never smoked at work. We went out a few times and he never smoked then either. I think he really was only smoking when out w/ the boys, etc. We also lived with his mom in the beginning and he would never smoke around her so it was never a big deal the first year or so we were together. Over the years it has really become frequent though. It seems like so long ago, I can't even remember when it got real bad. He used to never smoke at work, in his car, or at home. The first few years we lived together, he never smoked inside (that I can recall). Now, his car smells like smoke sometimes and of course, now it's moved into the house.

Sometimes I wonder if when I met him - if he had a cigarette in his hand - would we even be a couple?? I dunno...

My mom is a smoker too and I had to deal with it in the home....I hated it!! When I met my boyfriend - he actually thought I was a smoker!!! :chuckle Because I was living at home with my mom at the time and she smoked in the house.....I smelled like cigarettes!

[amarilla, RN]

I don't know you, him, or your relationship, so I don't know why he asks for help. If I had to guess, it's probably because he knows you don't like it, you mention it constantly, and it takes some of the heat off of him for him to proactively get you involved in a solution, (whether or not he's actually going to try to quit.)

What I can say is that no one quits until they want to, and the picking only causes resentment and 'sneaking' in all of its various forms, (like him 'forgetting' and smoking in the office after he's promised not to.)

Nowadays, it isn't unusual for smoking to be banned in most public places. Where I live, there is no smoking in restaurants, bars, clubs, and all workplaces...

but this can also include hotels, convention centers, casinos, the racetrack, public transportation stations and platforms, and workplace campuses, (where you actually cannot smoke on the entire campus, even in your own car.) Most of the apartments here are non-smoking only. A few friends of mine have jobs which are 'nicotine free', or one is denied health insurance, warned and then fired.

I stood, squatted and made due for years, trying to get in a few puffs in the heat, the cold, the wind, rain and snow.

To kick your feet up and have a slow, relaxed smoke while sitting on my butt, with no one yelling at me?

HEAVEN!

So yes, from the perspective of a smoker, it is absolutely an inconvenience and irritating to not be able to relax and smoke at home, (for those who are comfortable smoking in the house.) Some folks like having the choice. Sometimes, the urge strikes and you just want to have one...in comfort.

If I were supporting someone, (financially and emotionally), and yet received consistent picking and criticism about my habits, (particularly when you've said it happens once in a while)....

can't say that I'd be very interested in a compromise either.

How to solve this? Beats me.

Best of luck.

Regards,

Southern

[Nursey103, ADN, RN]

if i were supporting someone, (financially and emotionally), and yet received consistent picking and criticism about my habits, (particularly when you've said it happens once in a while)....

i understand he's supporting me financially right now but i'm going to school to gain a great career to which i will be able to contribute nicely for us and our future. he's not just paying all the bills while i'm laying around the house doing nothing but complaining!

also....you assume that i'm constantly nagging him and that's wrong too. i don't nag/yell/complain all the time. i get upset in some situations, yes, but i'm not a constant complainer.

i don't like him smoking in the house - i do get really upset when that happens. i dont like sleeping at night and then awakened by the smell of cigarette smoke....not cool! then i feel like it's in my throat and it's so gross!!

thought about whether or not to post this but i will just do a small portion of an e-mail he wrote me....

i am not as deep as i used to be with smoking... i think there is still time to quit completely, but this can only be done with a lifestyle change with diet & lots of physical activities, gym, walks, etc. i want to quit completely. i hate that i smoke to... maybe i can try chantix again. as i believe i have some of the starter pills left. i want to do this!!

[Nursey103, ADN, RN]

Also doesn't help that we're covering respiratory in class with emphasis on lung cancer, head & neck cancer, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, & asthma

[amarilla, RN]

I understand you're going to school and are putting in time toward a better future for you both; implying otherwise wasn't my point nor my intention.

My point was more so that this (was?) is his condo, the office was his space, and he works to support you both. You have moved into his space where he hangs out, insisted he smoke outside, and are angry that he isn't following your rules. 'Allowing' him to still smoke (outside) isn't a compromise; that is, again, something he will have to decide for himself, outside of any cajoling, explaining, asking, demanding, and bargaining from others.

It's this attitude - that someone 'allows' you to do something despite their obvious disapproval- that causes the friction. Which provokes the comments. The picking. The reminders. As a smoker, you get plenty of disapproval from folks - those who care and those who certainly don't!

For someone who doesn't want to quit, isn't ready, or perhaps is even on the fence, it doesn't feel good. It feels like uncomfortable, anxiety-inspiring pressure.

JME. I'll let that part rest, and suppose we'll agree to disagree. :)

It is possible to no longer 'enjoy' smoking but still be a slave to the addiction, the habit. Changing things becomes overwhelming, particularly when one starts to pile on all of the things that seem to need changing. Take me, for example. I gave myself plenty of excuses: work was too stressful, the holidays were coming (stress, again), vacation was coming up and I wanted to enjoy myself, wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be miserable in withdrawl, had (smoking) family soon to visit, didn't want to gain weight (really!), so on. A few times, I actually was leaning towards trying a quit and put it off after being nagged at home.

I also took a look at what 'unhealthy' really meant, (i.e., my diet, exercise regimen, the like.) I piled so many plans and expectations and unrealistic changes onto my goal to get healthy that it was doomed to fail from day one. Sometimes, you feel as if changing one thing won't be 'worth it', or 'enough' to make a real difference. All the wind suddenly leaves your sails. You take a good look at that pile of things you don't like, and say to yourself, 'well DAMN! If I can't do all of THIS, then why even try? I'll try again, later...'

but later doesn't come, and the pile seems too overwhelming to deal with. More stress, more smoking, more pressure since you promised and failed.

It's actually easier, I found, to tackle one thing at a time. Quit first, then walks after dinner, then the new gym membership. Healthy snacks first, then gradual wean from excess caffeine/sugar, then tweaking the bulk of the dinner plans. Changing everything at once? Too much! That being said, it's different for everyone.

On that note: Chantix doesn't work for everyone. If it doesn't work for him, encourage him to try something else. If he hasn't joined quitnet yet, mention it the next time he brings up quitting. It's free and the support network is pretty awesome.

I tried Chantix. I tried patches, too, (and still smoked on them.) Gum....made myself sick with. Someone who still wants to smoke and 'feed the demon' (as they say) will smoke right through NRT's. The only thing that worked for me was the decision to not smoke anymore!

Baby steps, maybe?

Further to that bit of his e-mail: there is ALWAYS time to quit. Every day matters.

Good luck!

Best,

Southern

[Virgo_RN, BSN, RN]

My partner moved into my house, and he knew I would never tolerate smoking inside. He smokes outside only. Yes, I knew he smoked when we got together, and to put it in perspective, he is a wonderful human being with a heart of gold. Tobacco doesn't change that.

However. I work in a cardiopulmonary unit and see the effects of a lifetime of smoking every single day while at work. I know what it looks like, and the thought of seeing him that way is heartbreaking. Also, some of the most rude and abusive patients I have had the dubious pleasure of caring for have been the ones who want to go outside and smoke, while refusing the patch, gum, inhalers, Ativan, etc. I just had a patient go AMA the other night over smoking, and he was not nice about it at all. He monopolized my time while my other patients including a LOL with a broken bone didn't see their nurse for far too long. Sometimes I think I'd rather take care of an ETOHer than a smoker.

I hate cigarettes, and I make no secret of my feelings about it. I will not pussyfoot around and walk on eggshells when it comes to my feelings about smoking. My partner knows how I feel, and when he comes to me reeking of smoke and expects a kiss, I will not keep my mouth shut.

We both have a choice to stay in this relationship or to leave. I stay because as I said, he has a heart of gold. He stays because....well, he must find something redeeming about me. But no, I will not suffer in silence.

While I do understand the smokers' point of view, as I was a smoker for fifteen years prior to quitting ten years ago, I am not a smoker now and do not share that point of view. My partner can take it or leave it, just as I can take or leave his smoking habit.

[Virgo_RN, BSN, RN]

Oh, and before anyone thinks I sound like a total witch, I am not. He knows how much I love him and appreciate him every single day. Though if we did break up, I would not choose another smoker.

[shann106]

(I did not read all the responses so forgive me if someone already said this)

Our school has a zero smoking policy for clinicals, meaning not only can you not smoke during clincals but if you come to clinicals and the instructor can smell smoke on you, even second hand smoke you are sent home with a zero for the day. Can you lie and tell him you got sent home from clinicals and got a zero because the smell of smoke on you was overwhleming to the instructors? Or that they refused to accept a paper you turned in because of the smell?

Just a thought but it may work