Ok...I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we live together. I quit my job in August and he's been supporting me while I'm going to nursing school. He's a smoker and has continuously tried to stop over the years. I'm finally ok with that - he'll quit when he's ready. But there is one thing that he does over and over again that is REALLY frustrating. He smokes in our office every now and then. He thinks the smell will go away but it never does. It lingers for days and I have to keep the window open and burn candles!! I am a VERY anti-smoking person and so if we ever fight, the smoking is usually the reason. We have talked over and over about smoking outside but he either forgets, thinks the smell won't last by the time I get home, or he just doesn't care. The last time he did this was yesterday and said his friend was going through a hard time and he let him smoke in the office. I don't wanna be mean but really.....he couldn't go outside?!? I feel this request is not that big of a big deal!!!!
I don't know what to do anymore. We've tried talking and he agrees, but a month later, he'll do it again and I get stuck having to study in there with the disgusting smell!!!!! :angryfire
I'm desperate......:scrm:.......anyone with any suggestions?!?!
Specializes in Case management, occupational health.
I forgot to mention that I tried dating a smoker once and that was the one and only reason we broke up. I cared deeply for him and still do but I could not take the stinch on him, me and everything he came in contact with.
My partner knows how I feel, and when he comes to me reeking of smoke and expects a kiss, I will not keep my mouth shut.
Those are the best sort of kisses.
Can you lie and tell him you got sent home from clinicals and got a zero because the smell of smoke on you was overwhleming to the instructors?
When it comes to lying to get your own way - you really have to question your character. Whether your intention is good or bad - lying to your partner to control their behaviour is not the sort of 'caring' relationship I'd want.
Oh no...not you! The one before you!! :wink2:
Yeah, I think that was me, eh? I can't help myself... and I always end up apologising... so, let me try give a better more useful answer....
The fact you've moved into his place is neither here nor there - it's now your 'shared space'. Once he invites you in he accepts that it won't be the same and he has a responsiblity, if he wants to share his life with you to truly "share" - he cannot control another person's life or lifestyle simply because "I was here first" mentality - I don't think he's saying that - tho he may on times think it - but that goes both ways and you have to realise you can't control his either.
Smoking is a personal choice and it is hard enough to quit when you want to. Badgering him or "supporting" him too enthusiastically will put him off - whether he knows it or not. He has to determine his behaviour for himself and I'd recommend you back off the "support" and let him make a decision for himself in the absence of any external pressure - no matter how well intentioned.
Small gains - for every 'effort' we make we need reward - otherwise why would we do it? If he goes one day not smoking in the study then he's achieved something; if he goes a week he's achieved something big. But it's you, not him, who is the one who immediately gains from this - he needs a 'token appreciation' for his efforts or how else will he want to carry on?
I'll leave you with your imagination and knowledge of him to figure out a 'token appreciation' - but remember - it has to be "him-focussed" not - "I appreciate your effort so let's go out for dinner together" or "You're such a good boy - so now you can take me shopping" - rub his feet.... and if you do it in the study - he associates 'other' reward behaviours in there - to replace the lost one of smoking.
Give him a decent comfortable outdoor area to smoke - don't leave him stood or squat out there. Table, chair, some cover. Perhaps have a radio or other entertainment he likes. Again, reward him when he does (yes, like a Pavlov dog) and perhaps bring him a drink or go to him and kiss him on the forehead and tell him "thank you; I love you for what you're doing for me".
If not smoking brings him better gains than smoking; he will quit.
Also understand....from the other side of the fence again.....
Yes, those nurses who work in that area see all sorts of emphysema (sp?), lung cancer, etc....
But also understand smokers also not only know the risks, but the statistics. Studies show that cigarette smoking causes lung cancer, but ONLY in 20% of smokers. Why don't the other 80% get cancer? Answer: 2 specific genetic markers. Have one, you have a chance of lung cancer. Have both and you will get lung cancer with or without 1st or 2nd hand smoke!
For the OP....regarding your loved one's email.....I got tons of stuff like that from my EX-H. Addiction is addiction. Whether it is alcohol/speed or cigarettes. My EX-H promised me. He went to rehab. He wanted MY help to change....blah blah blah. We were married 12 years. Divorced for 8. He is STILL an alkie/addict. I just wanted to share a different perspective.
I *want* to quit. But, when I am "stressed", I know that cigarettes can be smoked and I can still function. No so with drugs or alcohol. (GF, PU and F are all alkies).
I will pray for you. I hope you find what you need. Understand, that sometimes, it means leaving.
I think Southern's posts are spot on. I know it is frustrating to hear because it is not what you wanted to hear.
At rehab, they told the families that there was a 95% failure rate in the treatment of addiction.....and that it was our best option to sever our familial relationship and move on before the addict dragged us down with him/her. I was shocked! It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I refused to give up on my H for years. They were right. I was wrong.
In the end, the only person we can change is ourself. You cannot change another. Lord, grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
I would assume he's not gonna quit. His actions are telling you everything you need to know.
Then ask yourself if you wanna share your life (as a nurse) with a person who will always be a smoker. Picture what you know the future is for him and ask yourself if you want to be a part of that. Really.
If he's lucky he may not get cancer and die young, but he will get COPD. You know this.
You'll be putting up with way more than the annoying smell in your office.
I speak from experience. I wish I had evaluated the situation more realisticly many years ago.
when i met my husband i was a social smoker. he knew it and did not like it but i guess you'd say he tolerated it. if i'd been smoking he would not kiss me whatsoever.
but that was it. he still would hold my hand, be loving and charming and treat me just the same :loveya:........but just no kisses. and i could see he was bummed out at times, a look of "really, i wish you didn't just do that cuz i really wanted to kiss you."
anyway it made me really not want to smoke when he was around. so ......i would at work or when i knew he wouldn't be around for at least enough time that i could brush my teeth and get rid of the smell enough. sometimes he'd still smell it, but he wouldn't criticize or complain or even bring much attention to it; he just wouldn't kiss me and i would know why. he knew that badgering me was not going to help.
changing the subject a bit, i no longer smoke but it took me about 3 times of quitting. the most difficult time for me was having cigs available. so my strategy when i was trying to quit was that i would buy a pack of cigs(whatever they smoke) for my friends or sister and would just bum 'em here and there. like when i went to my sis's house i could have one or two or whatever but then go home and be done. or out with my friends:cheers: but then be done. many people say they quit and stop buying cigs but then continuously bum from others. it's annoying! this way i didn't have to feel guilty because i paid for my share and would buy them another when i felt i'd smoked a packs worth.
but the minute i would buy my own pack to keep with me i'd smoke 'em up, i could not resist.
sorry to ramble on about myself but maybe this will help in some way.:wink2:
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shann106
214 Posts
I forgot to mention that I tried dating a smoker once and that was the one and only reason we broke up. I cared deeply for him and still do but I could not take the stinch on him, me and everything he came in contact with.