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Need Help with Smoking Issue!!!!!!!

Posted

Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice. Has 10 years experience.

Ok...I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we live together. I quit my job in August and he's been supporting me while I'm going to nursing school. He's a smoker and has continuously tried to stop over the years. I'm finally ok with that - he'll quit when he's ready. But there is one thing that he does over and over again that is REALLY frustrating. He smokes in our office every now and then. He thinks the smell will go away but it never does. It lingers for days and I have to keep the window open and burn candles!! I am a VERY anti-smoking person and so if we ever fight, the smoking is usually the reason. We have talked over and over about smoking outside but he either forgets, thinks the smell won't last by the time I get home, or he just doesn't care. The last time he did this was yesterday and said his friend was going through a hard time and he let him smoke in the office. I don't wanna be mean but really.....he couldn't go outside?!? I feel this request is not that big of a big deal!!!! :banghead:

I don't know what to do anymore. We've tried talking and he agrees, but a month later, he'll do it again and I get stuck having to study in there with the disgusting smell!!!!! :angryfire

I'm desperate......:scrm:.......anyone with any suggestions?!?!

RochesterRN-BSN, BSN, RN

Specializes in Psych, ER, Resp/Med, LTC, Education. Has 6 years experience.

have him try chantix.......I have heard great things about this newer med from patients. And honestly if that doesn't work if I were you I would be done with that relationship. Second hand smoke is worse then what he is getting! And he doesn't seem to respect your limits. I would not tolerate that.

Soon2BNurse3, ADN, RN

Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice. Has 10 years experience.

He has tried Chantix....twice! It works but he says it makes him feel weird and then he starts reading the side effects and then forget it....he stops using it.

We've been together so long I don't know think I'd actually leave him.

I guess when he allowed his friend to smoke in there, knowing I hate it, just makes me feel like cares more about his friend then he does me!!

Soooo frustrated :banghead:

flyingchange

Specializes in MPH Student Fall/14, Emergency, Research. Has 2+ years experience.

Eww. I hear you - I'm highly sensitive to smells and smoking ranks, like, #1 on my list of headache-inducing triggers.

To be honest, when I read your story, the first thing that jumped to my mind is DISRESPECT!

It's tough when it's someone you love... but it just doesn't quite sound like love when he knows it's annoying and unhealthy for you and he goes and does it anyway.

I agree with the above poster, though. If it's just a case of uncontrollable cravings (although I just can't see it), then for sure Chantix or something might help. Worth a shot!

flightnurse2b, LPN

Specializes in EMS, ER, GI, PCU/Telemetry.

sorry all that is going on hun...

it sounds like bf is being very disrespectful.... and his friend isn't helping.

i've been smoke free for 1 yr. fiance still smokes and does so in the house sometimes. makes me so mad! him and his buddies have some beers and jam out in the spare room and next thing i know--i smell smoke. i had to talk to the friends. men are silly...

so next time they smoked in the house and all my stuff STUNK.. i went to bath and body works and got cucumber melon bc he hates the smell of it and sprayed all his clothes with that. touche!

anyway, my advice would be would be to speak with him AND this friend. tell this friend that you don't allow bf to smoke in the house, and you would expect the same respect of your home from him. tell him next time they are having a hard time to please go outside.

good luck!!!

Soon2BNurse3, ADN, RN

Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice. Has 10 years experience.

Thank you. He hates the smell of White Diamonds and I jokingly told him one day I was going to spray it on his pillow and see if he can sleep with the smell but I never actually tried it.....might drive me crazy as well!

If he did it with his friends and I was home, I'd DEFINITELY say something but always happens when I'm not here. Next time I see his friends, I think I'm gonna have to say something. I've tried to do things the nice way but not really getting anywhere...

Congrats on being smoke free!!! :yeah:

Is there any way to claim the office as YOUR space only? Or study in another spot? hmmm My husband used to smoke. I'll ask him what kind of request would get through to him if it was asked. He quit when we first got together, honestly because I think he could see my disgust. I don't like kissing someone who smokes or hugging on them when they are smoking ect.

I would just be really annoying about it lol and make the entire house stink of perfume until he couldn't stand it and make a big fuss... but I'm not all that reasonable when it comes to this issue.

Soon2BNurse3, ADN, RN

Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice. Has 10 years experience.

Well, to be honest, I kind of took over his space. He always hangs out in the office and after school started, I just started using the space during the day to study.

I'm stubborn too.....I love my desk and get alot done in the office. If I'm on my laptop in the living room, I just get distracted with the T.V.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno...:no:

ghillbert, MSN, NP

Specializes in CTICU. Has 20 years experience.

Best thing ever: Allen Carr's EasyWay to Stop Smoking. I actually don't know anyone who's tried the book/seminar that has NOT quit. My parents both quit using this last year, and they both smoked for 30-40 years. Money back guarantee.

Oh boy, that is a hard one.

You are right, he won't be able to stop smoking until he actually has the true-deep-down-inside desire. Drugs, like Chantix can't change your mind. Even a detox might clean up some of his physical addiction, but if he wants to smoke, he will.

As many have already said it is just plain disrespectful. Don't spray his pillow, the last thing you want is something else to fight about. I know this sounds manipulative but have you ever cried about it, literally? Does he understand how seriously this affects you, and your relationship for that matter?

Soon2BNurse3, ADN, RN

Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice. Has 10 years experience.

I haven't sprayed his pillow but I feel like it might be my last resort...haha :clown:

I don't want to fight about other things but don't know what else to do!!

I have talked to him, cried about it....made a huge deal about it! In fact, when I react in that way, he thinks I'm acting like a child and wants to talk about it in a normal adult conversation :banghead::banghead::banghead:

I really feel like I've tried everything..

what about putting a huge sign on the door? or a massive banner in the room?

maybe you could keep it locked, so he would consciously have to unlock it to go in there to smoke...if he is indeed so "forgetful".

tell him you're going to hide some highly combustible items in there too.

smoking stinks!

Well, to be honest, I kind of took over his space. He always hangs out in the office and after school started, I just started using the space during the day to study.

I'm stubborn too.....I love my desk and get alot done in the office. If I'm on my laptop in the living room, I just get distracted with the T.V.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno...:no:

Ok....a post from the other side of the fence. You knew he smoked when you got together. You "took over HIS space".... and now you are angry because you don't like the cigarette smoke in HIS space. Hmmmm, my take is: get your own space.

I have smoked since I was 16 and I am now 46. I have quit a few times and during stressful times, have gone back. Smoking is an extremely difficult habit to permanently break. I try to smoke outside, but if it is raining or very cold (relative term here because I live in FL!), I will smoke inside. I make the mortgage payments. It is my name on the deed. My hubby knew I smoked. I will respect his non-smoker status up to a point, but otherwise, if I "need" a cigarette - there are times when I will smoke in my house.

I am a nick-nack fru-fru small amt of clutter kinda person. My hubby is a 'nothing on the surface, everything has a home, organized' kinda person. The garage is HIS space to do with as he wishes. Our BR is 1/2 and 1/2 (compromise). One extra BR will eventually become HIS office to do with as he wishes. The rest of the house is mine. :D Compromise and understanding both side will keep a marriage balanced.

One day I hope to quit permanently and I am thinking about trying that new med. But, it has to be for me, by me and not because I was pressured by someone else to do it. All that has caused in the past is consternation and forced me to hide the addiction behind the now ex-H's back. I didn't LIE about it I just didn't smoke around him.

Just a little food for thought.

Mr Ian

Specializes in mental health; hangover remedies. Has 15 years experience.

Originally I was going to suggest you get him to build his own study to smoke in..... but since you tell us it was his own study... I'm gonna second FLmomOf5 too....

So where does he have indoors in his own home to smoke?

I presume he doesn't smoke anywhere else in the house?

I agree with the posters who say it's about compromise... but two people have to compromise, not one.

I smoke, but only outdoors; & so does my good lady.

most people i know who quit smoking just did it on their own

no products at all.

and they took action that a none smoker would take like not having fags in the house,

that may sound like an old fasioned way but believe me it is very hard to give in to craveings if there are no cigarrets to be found anywhere :)

so just try to deprive him of them.

Soon2BNurse3, ADN, RN

Specializes in M/S, Tele, Sub (stepdown), Hospice. Has 10 years experience.

Well, when we first go together....way back when.....he said he was a "social smoker" and only smoked when he was out w/ friends. He quit a couple of weeks ago (still having at least one/day) but over the years it has gotten up to a pack/day!!!! Also, he knew I was very anti-smoking when he met me and when he asked me to move in with him years ago. When you smoke indoors.....everything smells like smoke!!! That's disgusting!! :no:

Also...I didn't "invade" his space....we live in a 2 bedroom condo and the spare room is the office. I had a little cheapie desk before I started nursing school so, we went out and bought this really great desk for me to work on in the office.

So, again.....I'm not telling him not to smoke, I'm just saying do it outside. That is a compromise in my opinion. I don't think I should be made to smell the smoke all day - it would be extremely hard to concentrate! I don't want to be walking around smelling like a smoker & I don't think I should risk my health for it either. And I especially don't think his friends should get special treatment either & allowed to smoke in there!!!!!!! We live in So. Cal and it may be raining today, but otherwise, weather's good!

Mr Ian

Specializes in mental health; hangover remedies. Has 15 years experience.

We live in So. Cal and it may be raining today, but otherwise, weather's good!

That's good.

Put your desk outside.

Put your desk outside.
:chuckle

You're right, asking him to smoke outside is a compromise, it's not like your asking him to stop smoking, because honestly, you can't (And we know you know that!)

My only other suggestion would be to have him move your desk to another place in the house and if he has a problem with that then remind him that you simply cannot study in a smokey office.--I know it seems ridiculous but maybe he would rather smoke in a different room than move your desk?!?!

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