Need Help with Smoking Issue!!!!!!!

[Nursey103]

Ok...I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we live together. I quit my job in August and he's been supporting me while I'm going to nursing school. He's a smoker and has continuously tried to stop over the years. I'm finally ok with that - he'll quit when he's ready. But there is one thing that he does over and over again that is REALLY frustrating. He smokes in our office every now and then. He thinks the smell will go away but it never does. It lingers for days and I have to keep the window open and burn candles!! I am a VERY anti-smoking person and so if we ever fight, the smoking is usually the reason. We have talked over and over about smoking outside but he either forgets, thinks the smell won't last by the time I get home, or he just doesn't care. The last time he did this was yesterday and said his friend was going through a hard time and he let him smoke in the office. I don't wanna be mean but really.....he couldn't go outside?!? I feel this request is not that big of a big deal!!!!

I don't know what to do anymore. We've tried talking and he agrees, but a month later, he'll do it again and I get stuck having to study in there with the disgusting smell!!!!! :angryfire

I'm desperate......:scrm:.......anyone with any suggestions?!?!

[FLmomof5]

Well, to be honest, I kind of took over his space. He always hangs out in the office and after school started, I just started using the space during the day to study.

I'm stubborn too.....I love my desk and get alot done in the office. If I'm on my laptop in the living room, I just get distracted with the T.V.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I dunno...

Ok....a post from the other side of the fence. You knew he smoked when you got together. You "took over HIS space".... and now you are angry because you don't like the cigarette smoke in HIS space. Hmmmm, my take is: get your own space.

I have smoked since I was 16 and I am now 46. I have quit a few times and during stressful times, have gone back. Smoking is an extremely difficult habit to permanently break. I try to smoke outside, but if it is raining or very cold (relative term here because I live in FL!), I will smoke inside. I make the mortgage payments. It is my name on the deed. My hubby knew I smoked. I will respect his non-smoker status up to a point, but otherwise, if I "need" a cigarette - there are times when I will smoke in my house.

I am a nick-nack fru-fru small amt of clutter kinda person. My hubby is a 'nothing on the surface, everything has a home, organized' kinda person. The garage is HIS space to do with as he wishes. Our BR is 1/2 and 1/2 (compromise). One extra BR will eventually become HIS office to do with as he wishes. The rest of the house is mine. Compromise and understanding both side will keep a marriage balanced.

One day I hope to quit permanently and I am thinking about trying that new med. But, it has to be for me, by me and not because I was pressured by someone else to do it. All that has caused in the past is consternation and forced me to hide the addiction behind the now ex-H's back. I didn't LIE about it I just didn't smoke around him.

Just a little food for thought.

[Mr Ian]

Originally I was going to suggest you get him to build his own study to smoke in..... but since you tell us it was his own study... I'm gonna second FLmomOf5 too....

So where does he have indoors in his own home to smoke?

I presume he doesn't smoke anywhere else in the house?

I agree with the posters who say it's about compromise... but two people have to compromise, not one.

I smoke, but only outdoors; & so does my good lady.

[megaman]

most people i know who quit smoking just did it on their own

no products at all.

and they took action that a none smoker would take like not having fags in the house,

that may sound like an old fasioned way but believe me it is very hard to give in to craveings if there are no cigarrets to be found anywhere :)

so just try to deprive him of them.

[Nursey103, ADN, RN]

Well, when we first go together....way back when.....he said he was a "social smoker" and only smoked when he was out w/ friends. He quit a couple of weeks ago (still having at least one/day) but over the years it has gotten up to a pack/day!!!! Also, he knew I was very anti-smoking when he met me and when he asked me to move in with him years ago. When you smoke indoors.....everything smells like smoke!!! That's disgusting!!

Also...I didn't "invade" his space....we live in a 2 bedroom condo and the spare room is the office. I had a little cheapie desk before I started nursing school so, we went out and bought this really great desk for me to work on in the office.

So, again.....I'm not telling him not to smoke, I'm just saying do it outside. That is a compromise in my opinion. I don't think I should be made to smell the smoke all day - it would be extremely hard to concentrate! I don't want to be walking around smelling like a smoker & I don't think I should risk my health for it either. And I especially don't think his friends should get special treatment either & allowed to smoke in there!!!!!!! We live in So. Cal and it may be raining today, but otherwise, weather's good!

[Mr Ian]

We live in So. Cal and it may be raining today, but otherwise, weather's good!

That's good.

Put your desk outside.

[Cilantrophobe]

Put your desk outside.

:chuckle

You're right, asking him to smoke outside is a compromise, it's not like your asking him to stop smoking, because honestly, you can't (And we know you know that!)

My only other suggestion would be to have him move your desk to another place in the house and if he has a problem with that then remind him that you simply cannot study in a smokey office.--I know it seems ridiculous but maybe he would rather smoke in a different room than move your desk?!?!

[Nursey103, ADN, RN]

Yea....well we're actually starting to outgrow our little condo and there really isn't any room to move my desk (and NOT gonna be putting it outside!!!! )

We'll see..

P.S. Not looking for any rude comments either....on this site for helpful and realistic suggestions :stone

[Cilantrophobe]

I hope you didn't think what I said was rude. You wouldn't be the only one this week! I only thought the desk outside joke was funny. Sorry

[Nursey103, ADN, RN]

Oh no...not you! The one before you!! :wink2:

[LMRN10]

My suggestion, don't "talk" about it...tell him the office is where you are a good portion of the time to get your school work done and it is off limits. If he wants to smoke, he either needs to go outside or in the garage because the smell sticks and you can't focus in those kind of conditions!

[amarilla, RN]

Well, to be honest, I kind of took over his space. He always hangs out in the office and after school started, I just started using the space during the day to study. If I'm on my laptop in the living room, I just get distracted with the T.V.

Another post from the other side of the fence. I smoked (heavily) for the last 14 years. My partner is a non-smoker, and though he knew from the jump about my habits, he grew increasingly less tolerant of my smoking as the years passed. I smoked outside (only), and never in the car or in friends' homes, but the 'picking' was always there. I too 'continuously' tried to quit, mostly because I was tired of the commentary, but in the end...

I didn't quit until I wanted to. I imagine most folks are the same way.

I have to agree with Flmom when she pointed out that you took over his space, where he hangs out and relaxes. Forcing him to agree to smoke outside amidst a barrage of complaints about his habits isn't going to inspire him to be more considerate. It doesn't sound like much of a compromise, particularly when there is indeed another smoke-free room for you to occupy to study, (unplug the TV if need be), and you are free to study at leisure or pack up for the library.

It may not be what you want to hear, but it's just my honest opinion (and past experience.)

Best,

Southern

[Nursey103, ADN, RN]

Before I "took over" his space - I still didn't like when he smoked in the office!!! The smell creeps out into the hallway and into my bedroom - sometimes all of upstairs smells like cigarette smoke!!

I don't see how letting him continuing to smoke in the office would be a compromise That would mean he got his way and I don't benefit from anything - to me that's not a compromise.

If he smoked outside - that is a compromise - he could smoke it up whenever he wanted and I could study and live in peace!!

I don't badger him about his smoking.....not like before! I try to help him to quit. I've called his doctors and gotten new Chantix Rx's when he's too busy to do it and I reminded him to take the pills. I've tried telling him we could go for walks together after work (maybe if he started doing other healthy things, he'd be more willing not to smoke). I've been super, super supportive!!! I just purchased a book that someone earlier in this post recommended.

My dad died when I was 16. It sucked. I don't want to have my future kids lose their daddy because he continued to smoke. I really am trying to save his life. I already know he has to be the one to decide to quit....I learned that quite some time ago. He wants to quit....obviously it's very, very difficult! That's why I don't yell at him about the smoking..........just when he tries to do it inside!