Need help with my judgmentalism

emtb2rn, BSN, RN, EMT-B · Aug 25, 2009

You can think whatever you want about whomever you want as long as it doesn't interfere with your pt care.

You also need to keep whatever you think to yourself on the job (see the thread on "what you wish you could say to a pt). We do a lot of teaching in nursing, but it's not lecturing and not trying to convey your personal moral code on someone else.

If you think your ability to care for a pt will be impacted by how you judge that person (whom you probably will not know a lot about), then you need to think long & hard about whether nursing is right career choice for you.

That's my :twocents:

shoegalRN, RN · Aug 25, 2009

WOW! I give you props for admitting why you are so judgemental.

However, in nursing, you can't let your personal opinions or views interfere with your patient care. I work in a teaching hospital that is located in the urban core of the city, we take care of the uninsured, underinsured, and the homeless. Most of our patient population is sickle cellers and/or frequent flyers. We get our fair share of gunshot wounds, traumas from domestic altercations, and our hospital delivers alot of babies by single mothers.

One thing that God taught me before I took a RN job at this hospital is humbleness and humility. Some folks dont know any better, therefore, can't do any better, and the last thing they need is for someone to be judging them on their decisions who should be providing care for them.

I didnt have the best upbringing, my parents divorced when I was small, I was raised by a single mother, my mother suffered from depression, therefore, neglecting her kids. My father was a raging alcoholic and my family had its share of struggles. I dont like how some people may judge me based on my upbringing.

When I am at work, I remind myself that everyone has a right to make their own decisions and live their life as THEY see fit. I also have the same right and just because I may choose a different lifestyle does not make me any better than someone who chooses differently than me.

You need to understand that not everyone views life the way that you do, and that's ok. You have your views and you have made your own decisions regarding your life and how you choose to live it, others also have the same right.

rn/writer, RN · Aug 25, 2009

Thank you for your honesty. You are much further down the road to healthy thinking than folks who try to justify or rationalize their judgments.

You have several issues that need to be looked at separately to achieve the best outcomes.

First, there is your own mental health. Take good care of yourself. Eat and sleep right. See your doc (if one is involved). Develop/maintain a good support group. Nurture your spiritual side. Exercise. If you take meds, be faithful about doing so. Find things that make you smile. Laugh often. Love much. The better you feel, the less you will want to hold a grudge against others.

Second, recognize that a strong religious background is not always spiritual in nature. Some groups have a heavy legalistic focus that concentrates more on law than on love. This can set a trap of self-judgment that leads to condemnation, both internal and external. Read the book of Romans for the contrast between law and grace.

Third, God is able to separate who we are (created in his image, fearfully and wonderfully made) from what we do. He can see us apart from our bad choices. This is the outworking of grace. Ask him to help you see your patients (and others) as he sees them, as he intended them to be. Look past the bad choices and the crummy consequences. Most of us don't want to do bad things, but we find ourselves falling on a regular basis. The last thing we need is someone standing over us with contempt.

You can learn to love people without embracing their failures. You can meet them where they are and try to give them hope. Even the ones who seem arrogant and defensive need connection. Earn their trust.

If you can learn to acknowledge your own lapses and inadequacies without succumbing to self-hate and despair (a tall order for a depressive bipolar patient, I know, but a challenge well worth the effort), then you can pass this spark of hope on to others.

If you have the chance, read the book, "The Shack." It's a vivid picture of God's love and acceptance of us as his beloved children.

I pray that you will be able to master the fine art of loving yourself and others as God intended.

allthesmallthings · Aug 27, 2009

You can think whatever you want about whomever you want as long as it doesn't interfere with your pt care.
You also need to keep whatever you think to yourself on the job (see the thread on "what you wish you could say to a pt). We do a lot of teaching in nursing, but it's not lecturing and not trying to convey your personal moral code on someone else.
If you think your ability to care for a pt will be impacted by how you judge that person (whom you probably will not know a lot about), then you need to think long & hard about whether nursing is right career choice for you.
That's my

Thanks, but I'm not trying to just "cover up" my outlook, I'm trying to change it, or to create some buffer between my opinions and my pts.

And please, my first year of nursing, I'm really not trying to go into the is-this-really-the-job-I'm-meant-for mess-with-your-head trap. I'm a work in progress.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Aug 27, 2009

And you will do just fine, as long as your mind---and your heart---remain open.:redbeathe

The wise and wonderful Miranda said it all. I can't really add anything else, except this: please do pick up a copy of The Shack, read it slowly, DON'T take it literally, and let it help you begin the journey away from religious legalism and toward relationship with the Lord. When you're secure in the fact that you are loved, and loveable, the way you are, you'll find it much easier to pass that on to others as you go through life.

Best wishes to you, thanks for your forthrightness, and WELCOME to allnurses!!

JustEnuff2BDangerous, BSN, RN · Aug 28, 2009

Separating yourself from being judgmental is difficult, sometimes very difficult, but it can be done - you just have to remember what the very essence of your decision to be a nurse was. You can help people by caring for them and by educating them.

Always remember that you never know what path these people have walked down during their life. They could have seen or experienced horrors unspeakable. Some people simply made one wrong turn somewhere and don't know how to get back to where they used to be. I would venture to say the majority of drug addicts wish to God they weren't; the majority of teenagers do not have sex with the goal of getting pregnant; the majority of smokers don't even like smoking; the majority of high school dropouts did not drop out because of laziness. You have to remember that the bottom line is, people are human and it is not for us to judge them; there is a reason judgment is meant to be reserved for God and that is because God sees everything, hears everything, knows everything about this person, and we don't. We know only one snapshot of their lives; no matter how much we know about them, we will NEVER know it all.

And, remember nobody is perfect. Letting yourself set high standards for people will only lead to you being disappointed. None of us are unoffensive to everyone all the time. As everyone said, it's fine to have your own opinion about people; everyone does. However, you must leave those opinions outside of the patient's door, otherwise they will cloud your nursing judgment and poison your compassion, and you can do no good being that kind of nurse. You must be an advocate for what is clinically best for that patient, NOT necessarily what you think is morally best.

Jules A, MSN · Aug 29, 2009

This is an important topic. In your journey to become a nurse hopefully you will learn to lighten up a bit. It is our job to behave in a compassionate manner and I think the old saying "fake it until you make it" is true. I have always been sort of judgemental also but think that there needs to be a sliding scale. Some people depending on their abilities and backgrounds just need a bit more slack than others.

I have taken care of a homeless, drug addicted, HIV+, prostitute with mental illness who was crying hysterically. She kept saying, "I did this to myself". Well yeah, some of it, she sort of did but at that stage it was a moot point and what she really needed was someone to put an arm around her and hold her hand which I gladly did. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how the responsibility of caring for someone in need opens your heart. Good luck.

SlightlyMental_RN · Aug 31, 2009

Some days I repeat to myself, "We're all Children of God."

GoldenFire5 · Aug 31, 2009

I think it's great that you are thinking about this issue and recognizing that it is something you need to work on. Being the kind of nurse you would want for yourself goes hand in hand with being the kind of person you would like to be.

You will encounter different kinds of patients in different areas of nursing. I've been surprised of how much domestic violence I come across in my work. I also usually have one patient going through drug or ETOH detox, and that is not a fun time. These patients are leading very different lives than mine. However, my contacts with my patients are pretty brief and I'm working so fast that I don't have much of a chance to get involved in the details of their lives. Not like when I was doing home health and I was with the same patient for 12 straight hours.

If this is your first nursing job and you don't like it, you could move to an area later like the operating room or a procedural area.

allnurses Guide · Aug 31, 2009

Thanks, but I'm not trying to just "cover up" my outlook, I'm trying to change it, or to create some buffer between my opinions and my pts.
And please, my first year of nursing, I'm really not trying to go into the is-this-really-the-job-I'm-meant-for mess-with-your-head trap. I'm a work in progress.

We're all works in progress!! You didn't mention what area of nursing you will be working in, but some areas will confront you with some realities of those you judge more intensely than others. If there's possibly any way you can do this, I've found the best way to strip off my judgements is to get to know someone from one of those groups personally, or if that isn't possible, even a brief human to human encounter, such as a comment about a child, or a pretty necklace or some other little thing will make you feel a connection.

Trust me, I am nnoooo Pollyanna, and I still judge people, but somehow that judgement doesn't include that "illegal" that I know has ovarian cancer, can barely read or write, and has 2 sons in jail. She is funny, sweet and warm. It's really funny that after 5 years of her listening to my 40 word Spanish vocabulary, she assumes I understand her and starts talking a mile a minute in Spanish. I don't get p-o ed at her, just all those other illegals.

Then I got to know a guy who weighed 600 lbs and was bedridden, but always smiled and waved at us, hired my 14yr old son to help him cook when a friend came over, had been a lawyer, and had that booming courtroom voice. Sometimes it boomed some rather colorful language, after which he would apologize to all. I saw an entry on his high school reunion page that said, "I can't wait to see all of you!", and I knew there was no way in hell he was going there. He knew it, too. He ended up dying of cancer and I was so glad I could share genuine tears of grief with his distraught sister.

Obviously the constraints of time and place, esp places like ER, ICU etc. will preclude that, but just remembering these people puts a mental check on it. NOT ALWAYS, but enough.

If you want to create a buffer between your opinions and your patients, that's not hard to do at all. There are a hundred percent surely patients that you will judge, and as far as I'm concerned rightly so. We have to give care to some of the scummiest people on the planet. In those cases, like everybody else has said, a spiritual foundation is good, but we can always control our outward demeanor. Sometimes I think you have to leave the room for a minute to do that.

Hope I didn't sound too preachy, cause actually I'm not all that active in churches. Good luck!!:) Sorry, now I feel all sad. RIP MP

allthesmallthings · Sep 3, 2009

Thanks, everyone, for all your responses. I'm already feeling less judgmental, and I haven't even started work yet.

I'm glad to hear all of your attitudes.