Need Advice On Wife

DolceVita, ADN, BSN, RN · Oct 19, 2009

You don't need to be friends with the women in the class. Be friendly. Have a lab partner. But being friends is not a requirement.

i.e. no texting, meetings, emails or phone calls that aren't strictly related to class/assignments.

That should alleviate her fears a great deal.

boogurll · Oct 19, 2009

I agree with DolceVita, I am pretty young and don't have much experience in life.....but I am married and am going to nursing school. Your time is crunched enough as is, school is time consuming and your mind is always on something to do with school or that test you should be studying for, any extra time you have should be spent with your wife. If you have enough time to be sending texts or emails that aren't related to school and to other females than something is wrong here. Your wife has already had to accept that for the next couple years nursing school comes first in your life, thats hard to deal with as is then all the females that get your time on top of that. I suggest you just pay some extra attention to her. Good Luck! :loveya:

prthd · Oct 19, 2009

I agree with what you have said. I am a little curious as to how friend was automatically equated with E-mail, texting, etc... It is more the fact that I am around them all the time, deal with them at school, and study with them in groups.

Grindin26 · Oct 20, 2009

I agree with what you have said. I am a little curious as to how friend was automatically equated with E-mail, texting, etc... It is more the fact that I am around them all the time, deal with them at school, and study with them in groups.

I already see where the issue stems from. It's definitely the study group thing, especially if it's late at night.

If I were you I'd ditch the study group to ease my partner's mind. But on the other hand there may be insecurities in your relationship leading to the suspicion. Either way address the issue and relieve the anxiety.

I know you're probably thinking, I'm way too young to be giving you advice, I'm probably not married etc. But I saw a lot while I was in school. Guys cheating on their wives while "studying", guys taking advantage of any opportunity, a lot harmless innuendo leading to something more.

Don't let the temptations overcome you, simply not worth it, it's sad to see some of the "players" in school get distracted to the point where they can't maintain their grades and some got kicked out.

DolceVita, ADN, BSN, RN · Oct 20, 2009

So you are only communicating with these women at school or when you are studying together? You don't exchange texts, emails or phone calls or otherwise communicate with them on a non-school related topic? Then how do you come up with the term friend (your choice of word)? Seriously? I am around the people in my class all the time (in school) and study with them in groups -- I would not call any of them friends.

So, if you are telling your wife that some of these women are becoming your "friends" you better make sure she understands how you define it.

My opinion:

1) You are using a term on which your wife places a more intimate meaning and you should start using a word better suited to the nature of the relationship (like colleagues)

2) You are having non-school related communications with you "friends"...your wife doesn't like it...you don't think you need to stop and are seeking some magical justification from perfect strangers on allnurses.com that you can use to defend yourself

3) you have never had any non-professional/school related communication with any of your school mates and your wife is an extremely jealous woman who, without ANY reason or provocation, thinks you are going to be unfaithful to her

4) your wife knows you better than you think she does

I suspect none of this matters. Your wife feels how your wife feels. Why don't you ask her what you can do to "alleviate her fears and worries". Then just do it.

Kymmi · Oct 20, 2009

I know what Im about to say wont be agreed upon by many but I will say it anyway because it is my belief. I do not understand why men cant have women friends and women cant have men friends in their life. I mean I interact with both men and women and I have several men that I call friends. None of my male friends are kept a secret from my husband and vice versa. I do not meet secretly with them, I do not share intimate details of my life with them but I do call them my friends. Anyway that being said if you have no history of extramartial affairs and your wife is afraid of you having a affair that means she does not trust you or your actions. The fact that she is afraid of you having a affair is not the big issue here. The big issue here is trust and my belief is that without trust there are serious issues with the relationship itself.

We can't spend 24/7 with our life partners so we must trust them and if we are unable to trust whoever we are with the rest of the relationship is in trouble. I'd try to figure out why she feels you cant be trusted or why she is unable to trust you. It might have nothing to do with you. It might be because of trust issues that stem from her past however that needs to be figured out and dealt with or your relationship is heading for serious trouble.

pagandeva2000, LPN · Oct 20, 2009

I am in agreement with Kymmi.

Nursing school is a demon all it's own, and I noticed that only those that have experienced it can understand. You are immersed with these people...male and female throughout the entire program. Sometimes, there are group projects, study groups, lab partners, etc...where it is necessary to interact with others, including those of the opposite sex. And, if it is a study group of more than one person, it can, in fact be very helpful for those who gain more from studying in groups.

I would begin by asking your wife just what it is that makes her suspicious or uneasy. Some of it can be helped but then, some may not be (for example, a group assignment). I see no issues with email as long as it is class related or casual, but anything past that may lead to issues. Maybe let her meet some of your classmates you are close with. And, also, watch the women you hang around. Some women just want to be desired, whether they want the man or not, and may display shady behavior to the wife just go get her riled up. If these people are calling and hanging up,or generally being disrespectful to your wife, then, they need to be placed in check. Maybe they make her feel like the fifth wheel. I have a male friend that I was close to in high school. I hadn't heard from him in years until he found me on classmates.com. Since then, he is married with two children. He came to my town and called me to visit him at his mother's home where his twin sister still resides, so, I visited and made sure that I included his wife into our walk down memory lane. The few times I called his home and she answered the telephone, I told her immediately who I was, started a conversation with her and would even say why I called so that she doesn't feel that there is any maliciousness on my part...there are no secrets!

Again, to begin with, ask her what her issue is...maybe some of it is warrented, or it can be put to rest.

Mission · Oct 20, 2009

I agree with Kymmi. As a nurse you are going to be in a female dominated profession for the rest of your life. You need to talk with your wife about what her concerns are and what you can do together to make her feel more secure. I'm a pre-doctoral student and I share my office with a male post-doc. I consider him a friend though we don't socialize out of work/school/conferences. My husband is not concerned because we have very open communication in our marriage. We found couple's counseling was really helpful in teaching us how to communicate properly. Insecurity and poor communication can really eat away at a marriage and it's best to deal with it as early on as possible.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Oct 20, 2009

i originally was going to post in the male nursing section, but want any help out there. i just finished my 1st quarter of lpn school and love it. however my wife is less than thrilled with my becoming friends with some of the women in the class. she is convinced an affair is imminent. any words of wisdom on how to alleviate her fears and worries?

how do you define "friends"? are you spending time with these women outside of school and school projects? talking to them on the phone, emailing, etc.? does your wife have something to worry about?

if you're serious about your marriage and alleviating your wife's worries, include her as much as possible in your interactions with your women friends. invite her to meet you all at the local coffee house where you all gather to de-stress post clinicals. have your wife drop you off or pick you up when you're studying with your female friends, or invite the study group to meet at your home so your wife can meet everyone and they can meet her. brag about your wife to your friends. show your wife's picture around, share her chocolate chip cookies, include her in all social activities. if there really is nothing for her to worry about, she'll pick up on that. and your friends will pick up on the fact that you are (as my husband likes to say) very married.

if, on the other hand you're already doing all of these things and your wife is still worried, there's a breakdown in your communication with your wife. i know you're busy and stressed and all of that, but marital problems don't enhance the nursing school experience, so address them as soon as possible.

JennNJ83 · Oct 20, 2009

how do you define "friends"? are you spending time with these women outside of school and school projects? talking to them on the phone, emailing, etc.? does your wife have something to worry about?
if you're serious about your marriage and alleviating your wife's worries, include her as much as possible in your interactions with your women friends. invite her to meet you all at the local coffee house where you all gather to de-stress post clinicals. have your wife drop you off or pick you up when you're studying with your female friends, or invite the study group to meet at your home so your wife can meet everyone and they can meet her. brag about your wife to your friends. show your wife's picture around, share her chocolate chip cookies, include her in all social activities. if there really is nothing for her to worry about, she'll pick up on that. and your friends will pick up on the fact that you are (as my husband likes to say) very married.
if, on the other hand you're already doing all of these things and your wife is still worried, there's a breakdown in your communication with your wife. i know you're busy and stressed and all of that, but marital problems don't enhance the nursing school experience, so address them as soon as possible.

i think ruby is right on, you don't have to cut off contact with the women in your classes, that will only hinder you performance in nursing school (imo study groups are awesome) but include her, who knows she could make some friends with your friends :) hang in there and from my own experience, if this doesn't suffice there are some underlying problems you need to work out. good luck!

tothepointeLVN, LVN · Oct 20, 2009

Well in my class I was the only person left married at the end of the year. Apparently this is common mainly because the spouse in school grows while the other does not.

My advice. Keep your study groups or what ever study arrangement works for you but don't follow the advice you always hear that you need to "sacrifice" everything for nursing school. Its not true. Manage your time wisely. Make time for your wife.