I can't even believe I am posting this...I was here earlier this afternoon...then while studying for my ocology rotation...I got the dreaded call....she passed suddenly she was age 83.
At least she's with my dad now, who passed in 2003 and was part of a catalyst to my calling...but
As much as I think I can trudge on with the 5 weeks left for this term...I don't know...maybe I'm kidding myself!
I have 3 sociology papers due on Monday and back to back exams the next 2 Fridays...not to mention the toughest semester clinical (b/c of the instructor) for oncology for the next 2 weeks....I have no idea how I'm going to actually pull this off....My mom always said that I was the strongest person she knew for all I've had to endure in my life....abusive ex husband...raising a son on my own for 12 years...then about 1 1/2 after my dad died...I met the most wonderful man...and just "knew" and married him....I'm really happy now...things are moving...but now this....I always thought that she'd see me graduate this June....she was active...she bowled 2 leagues for crying out loud....in fact the local paper just did a story about her b/c she was there for so long...she was so proud...it was so cute.
Dammit...I just wasn't ready....I know she's "home" now....but still....
Anybody been through this during school and made it through...I can't quit...I'd lose the whole time until next spring and I can't afford that time off...I know she'd want me to continue...
I can't even believe I am posting this...I was here earlier this afternoon...then while studying for my ocology rotation...I got the dreaded call....she passed suddenly she was age 83.
At least she's with my dad now, who passed in 2003 and was part of a catalyst to my calling...but
As much as I think I can trudge on with the 5 weeks left for this term...I don't know...maybe I'm kidding myself!
I have 3 sociology papers due on Monday and back to back exams the next 2 Fridays...not to mention the toughest semester clinical (b/c of the instructor) for oncology for the next 2 weeks....I have no idea how I'm going to actually pull this off....My mom always said that I was the strongest person she knew for all I've had to endure in my life....abusive ex husband...raising a son on my own for 12 years...then about 1 1/2 after my dad died...I met the most wonderful man...and just "knew" and married him....I'm really happy now...things are moving...but now this....I always thought that she'd see me graduate this June....she was active...she bowled 2 leagues for crying out loud....in fact the local paper just did a story about her b/c she was there for so long...she was so proud...it was so cute.
Dammit...I just wasn't ready....I know she's "home" now....but still....
Anybody been through this during school and made it through...I can't quit...I'd lose the whole time until next spring and I can't afford that time off...I know she'd want me to continue...
I am so sorry for your loss!
yes I have been through this too, recently. My dad passed away at the end of my first semester last spring, he also lived 3000 miles away, I was able to fly out when he was diagnosed with cancer mets to the bones, he died 7 weeks after my visit. I wasn't able to get out again to see him after he was discharged or even for the funeral, it was very hard!
Try and stay focused the best you can, but give yourself some time to grieve too.
In 2004 - my mother passed away 4 weeks before classes started. It was HORRIBLE. I knew it would be a struggle but started the semester anyways. I wound up failing a class because I could not concentrate. I had to start over. BUT only YOU know your level of coping, maybe you can do it. Maybe you are stronger than I. Let your instructors know, they may be easier on you. Whatever you chose, good luck.
I can't even believe I am posting this...I was here earlier this afternoon...then while studying for my ocology rotation...I got the dreaded call....she passed suddenly she was age 83.
At least she's with my dad now, who passed in 2003 and was part of a catalyst to my calling...but
As much as I think I can trudge on with the 5 weeks left for this term...I don't know...maybe I'm kidding myself!
I have 3 sociology papers due on Monday and back to back exams the next 2 Fridays...not to mention the toughest semester clinical (b/c of the instructor) for oncology for the next 2 weeks....I have no idea how I'm going to actually pull this off....My mom always said that I was the strongest person she knew for all I've had to endure in my life....abusive ex husband...raising a son on my own for 12 years...then about 1 1/2 after my dad died...I met the most wonderful man...and just "knew" and married him....I'm really happy now...things are moving...but now this....I always thought that she'd see me graduate this June....she was active...she bowled 2 leagues for crying out loud....in fact the local paper just did a story about her b/c she was there for so long...she was so proud...it was so cute.
Dammit...I just wasn't ready....I know she's "home" now....but still....
Anybody been through this during school and made it through...I can't quit...I'd lose the whole time until next spring and I can't afford that time off...I know she'd want me to continue...
i haven't been where you are, but i just wanted to extend my condolences. i will keep you and your family in my prayers. you CAN make it though this.... make it a tribute to your mom. god bless and hang in there.
Bless your heart!!!!!! I am sending you huge ((hugs)) and many many prayers!! I agree you should definately let your instructors know so maybe they can reschedule things for you. Please let your mother's faith in you be what makes you keep going.....and like someone else said she and your dad will have the best seats in the house to watch you graduate.....
My condolences to you and your family during these times. I am sure your mom would love for you to just go head on in your schooling career and do your best. The stress should also be the drive especially with only a few months to go. Good Luck on your exams and papers!
Thank you all for the well wishes/prayers. I loved the comments that I should make this a tribute to her and that my mom and dad will have the best seats at my graduation.:redbeathe
I went back to school yesterday, it was only about 4 hours of lecture, so it was a good way to ease back into it.
Today was our 2nd exam, I feel pretty good about it. I'm very happy that my first one I got a 93 so that provides a nice cushion even if this test doesn't pan out as well...you know how that goes, you leave the test feeling lousy and do better than expected, or you think you did pretty decent and find out...not so much!
I will make up my 2 clinical days in oncology during break week. The instructor was very nice, she's the one we're all terrified of, I don't fear her being mean now, so I think it'll be okay.
My mom always wanted to be a nurse, and she was rather concerned about me doing this later in life as her being a depression era baby, she didn't understand why, especially after my remarrying that I didn't go back to my old job...I tried to explain, besides the ridiculous "stress for nothing" this was a calling that I was answering and it's not about me....I think she gets that now I think she was coming around more so to it...esp since I only have 9mos left...my Godmother told me how she'd always tell my mom how proud she was of me, she asked me if my mom told me....she didn't, however my Godmother told me as scared as my mom was b/c of the financial burden we're under right now....she was proud of me...she never said those words to me...she'd just say "that's good or great" about this test or that...she'd seem to marvel when I'd tell her about my clinical experiences, I really think she was in disbelief that I was really doing this esp how I was about nursing when I was a kid...like I said though, now, she "gets it".
One of my classmate's dad passed away last Saturday, the funeral was yesterday and he was back today to take the test too....it's been a rough semester for our class so far, in the other 1/2 of our class that are in acute, (I'm in chronic) a girl lost her father too..and WOW thank God I took acute first, b/c this is a wee bit less stress.
I miss her horribly and I know it still really hasn't sunk in. It's like I have to constantly keep it on my mind b/c when I don't, or when I wake up I realize she's gone... I'm breathless. I haven't cried the past two mornings, just at night before bed, so maybe that's getting better. I still tear up at various points during the day, but I realize that's normal as it was for my dad. I also realize there will never be getting back to normal...I need to make a new normal...I will never get over her loss, but hopefully I'll feel more comfort in time. I talked to her in my head this morning with the test telling her "see mom, look at these ridiculous questions they have!"
It helps a little and remembering her great humor. I know she lives in me. I talked with some of her bowling buddies at the wake and somehow the topic of how she always looked good came up and then the part about how my mom always said "you need to put some lipstick on, you never know who you'll run into when you're out!" and we all raelized the same thing, that we all put on the lip gloss or whatever b/c mom needs to approve It was a cute moment that we laughed over, and it did provide comfort b/c that's who we are as a family. Even at my dad's wake we were able to remember the fun and make light at times, b/c humor is what gets you through...my mom had that in spades and it kills me to think I won't experience that joy again.
I can't even contemplate the holidays. She was so much fun with her antics. There was a time that we talked all the time for hours on end. Then all the help that she provided when I was on my own with my son. I did tell her how much that meant to me, how much she meant and even she was my strength, that I loved her...but I didn't tell her recently It's weird b/c my husband and I can say to each other always on the phone "I love you" that's how we are so it's easy.
I didn't grow up with that, but I still knew that I was loved b/c of various things discussed. When my dad died my mom and I said it to each other in closing on the phone or in person quite frequently...then I can remember a few mos ago us saying it...I thought about saying it the last time I talked to her and don't know why I didn't...I do, and I did love her...it just wasn't "us" to say it so it would feel odd at times...I wish I would have gotten my head out of my a$$ about that...I don't say it all the time with my son like I do my husband, he'll be 16 soon...but still...I need to break family tradition...b/c it hurts too much to have those regrets that you know logically you shouldn't and I know my mom would/has forgiven me...but it's hard not to feel regret, as useless as it is.
I'm going through the guilts pretty bad, that I wish I would have talked to her more even though I was crazed with school and didn't want to bring her down with my crazy days...so I'd "wait" until I felt better and calmer to talk to her about things. I can vent easily to my husband...but her, I wanted to protect...plus the selfish "need me" time when I first got home, well I just regret it now.
We have a tight class though, and the support there does help. The instructors overall really are a caring bunch. One of the guys handed me a card when I was leaving from them. I still can't open it...I know I'll end up bawling so I might was well save that for bed time.
A couple of the instructors have told me that they've lost moms 1 or 2 years ago, and it really does help to hear/know you're not alone in your sorrow and grief.
Well that's my update...thanks again for the well wished....I just gotta take it as it comes...moment by moment.
Specializes in Tele Step Down, Oncology, ICU, Med/Surg.
Kittyhawk--
There's many ways to say "I love you" without words, sounds to me that's what you and your mom had. My mom was very loving in action, but it wasn't her way to say I love you, either.
When I miss my mom real bad, I try talking to her in my imagination, sometimes I think I can hear her reply--and sometimes what she says surprises me enough to think that somehow she broke through. Who knows, probably wishful thinking. But it helps.
(weird thing just happened--the wind blew open my front door....my Nonna used to say it was the dear departed coming in for a visit with those they loved).
Anyway, as crazy as it may sound, these imaginary conversations allow me to continue to talk to one of my favorite people even though they aren't here on this earth anymore.
It sounds like you are handling well. I want you to know it gets better, and talking about it and typing about it and knowing others (same age and place in school and in life) have walked your path and were made better for the loss.
As much as I miss mom (RIP Maria), her passing solidified my late-in-life path into nursing. I feel, like you, this is what I am meant to do now.
It's always hard for me to find the right words to comfort someone on this. But I guess I have an idea of what your going through. My dad passed away before I graduated high school. Some days were really rough. But I can say as time has passed, things gradually got better. Healing varies from one person to the next. Give yourself time to heal and allow those who are willing to help you to do so. If someone says something hurtful like, "Your not over it yet that was a long time ago" try to not take it too seriously. Sometimes people who don't understand the impact of death, says things that come out as hurtful even though they mean well.
Take things day by day, you WILL get through this :)
I miss my mom a lot too. The first year was very hard. I found myself talking about her all the time. At first, I could see the looks on my friends faces... (kind of uneasy because they didn't know what to say)... but, my true friends would just listen and allow me to get it all out. I don't know... it helped me heal to talk about her. I didn't want her forgotten.
My mom passed just a few weeks before I entered the nursing program... the first semester is a big blur... but, I did successfully get through it. Studying was my escape from reality - I didn't have time to dwell on the void in my life. But, I still cried a lot. I called them "Rosie Moments". My kids would ask - "Mom, what's the matter?" and I'd tell them I was having a Rosie moment and they understood.
I know my mother would not have wanted me to give up on nursing school. I know she would have wanted me to get through it. And, I truly believe on some level that she is guiding me through it every day.
Does it get better? No. Do you learn to accept it and go on every day? Yes. You already see that you are not alone... you have others in your group in the same position - so, you should try to use them as a resource - to talk to - to vent on - to lean on during times when you are down.
I think she was coming around more so to it...esp since I only have 9mos left...my Godmother told me how she'd always tell my mom how proud she was of me, she asked me if my mom told me....she didn't, however my Godmother told me as scared as my mom was b/c of the financial burden we're under right now....she was proud of me...she never said those words to me...she'd just say "that's good or great" about this test or that...she'd seem to marvel when I'd tell her about my clinical experiences, I really think she was in disbelief that I was really doing this esp how I was about nursing when I was a kid...like I said though, now, she "gets it".
It was a cute moment that we laughed over, and it did provide comfort b/c that's who we are as a family. Even at my dad's wake we were able to remember the fun and make light at times, b/c humor is what gets you through...my mom had that in spades and it kills me to think I won't experience that joy again.
catzy5
1,112 Posts
I am so sorry for your loss!
yes I have been through this too, recently. My dad passed away at the end of my first semester last spring, he also lived 3000 miles away, I was able to fly out when he was diagnosed with cancer mets to the bones, he died 7 weeks after my visit. I wasn't able to get out again to see him after he was discharged or even for the funeral, it was very hard!
Try and stay focused the best you can, but give yourself some time to grieve too.
{{{hugs}}}}
c