My good friend is a 'witch' at work

[Emergent, RN]

I was talking to one of my good friends. I've worked with her, yes she is rather difficult at work. She loathes those with skill levels beneath her. She is belittling, condescending, she undermines the confidence of less experienced souls.

She is an IV therapist now. I know, from talking to her, that she, herself feels insecure because she is so specialized. I know about her other insecurities.

She has a well earned reputation, in my opinion, for 'eating her young'.

Today I was talking to her. We often talk shop. I got to talking about someone in my dept (ER) experiencing some difficulties, and of course she got on to the subject of poor Jane, who is soooooo terrible, blah, blah, blah, but is fortunately going back to Tele, yada, yada, yada.

I was talking to my favorite Nursing Sup. We were wondering why really fun and cool people are so difficult in the workplace? She knew who we were talking about, by the way...

[THELIVINGWORST, ASN, RN]

Have you brought this up to your "witch" friend? It does no good to belittle a person for not being perfect. I haven't really experienced NETY in the 6 months I've been working but I know that people have left nursing because of it. Please do your duty to talk with your friend about her behavior. I don't think you would've brought it up if you weren't bothered by it.

Also, those insecurities may be the answer to your question about why people do this.

Good luck!

[ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP]

I wouldn't be friends with a witch who ate the young in the first place...

Don't engage in her conversations. When does start badmouthing and being rude to others, I would tell her to knock it out and that you don't feel comfortable with her behavior.

[Emergent, RN]

Have you brought this up to your "witch" friend? It does no good to belittle a person for not being perfect. I haven't really experienced NETY in the 6 months I've been working but I know that people have left nursing because of it. Please do your duty to talk with your friend about her behavior. I don't think you would've brought it up if you weren't bothered by it.

Also, those insecurities may be the answer to your question about why people do this.

Good luck!

Yes, I told her today. I told her that she is a witch. She and I had a big falling out at one time because of her witchiness.

She vacillates between acknowledgement of her witchy ways and denial.

I will continue to be her friend. We have good times together. She is a good person and we are good friends.

[THELIVINGWORST, ASN, RN]

What does she say to defend herself? I'm curious.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Hmm. My definition of a "good person" doesn't include being a witch, eating one's young, belittling or gossiping about others. But that's just me.

[Emergent, RN]

I think my friend just doesn't realize how she comes across when she corrects or criticizes someone. She comes on strong and intolerant at times, but doesn't have the self awareness to see that. She becomes very self righteous at work at times. I don't think she's a bully per se, but is perceived as such by some.

As a friend she would give you the shirt off her back. She is a good listener. She has had some challenges in life and is humble about them. One of her children has mental illness and she spends a lot of time dealing with that.

I think my point is, people are multidimensional. Folk whom we dislike in the workplace have other sides to them when they are outside of the stress of work.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Interesting. The "other side" of being a nurse in the facility, and another person outside of work on the "outside".

I may be just this shy of coffee, but if she is dealing with a mentally ill child, and spends a whole lot of time doing that, her personality would reflect regime. Because that is how to make things "work" at home.

It can and does reflect as "typical" people at work who should be "better" know "better" and all around produce better at work. Because I am sure she doesn't mince words. Nor does she have a filter, as in fact she is quite used to calling it as she sees it. Any number of mentally ill people do not take kindly to anything but very direct. And intolerant equates being spot on and consistent as well as her time spent dealing with a mentally ill child who needs to stay on the right and straight path. That doesn't always transfer well to a work setting,

If her style is in question, then it is something that the nurse manager needs to deal with, and should if the behavior is something that her staff is complaining about.

There are any number who are at the place they are with hard work, against all odds, years of paying dues. The no filter comes out when those under and around her are just not doing as they are told, when they are told. It is a control thing.

Which is exactly, I am sure, how her home runs---otherwise, all heck breaks loose.

I find that there's the same amount of multi-dimension when I work with nurses who come from a difficult specialty. A whole lot from pedi wards where there's constant long term admissions, re-admissions, and eventual deaths. I bless all those who do this work, as it is so important!! However, you need to put up a wall. You have to tell it like it is so a kid understands that. You have to have an edge, or lest you be torn up every day, every hour. And when a transfer occurs to another unit, the nurse IS considered "harsh" no filter, cold.....Nope, they are none of those things, however, their practice consisted of dying children every day. I associate that with a PTSD type of behavior, and rightly so.

In any event, if the behavior continues and can not be re-educated, then it will catch up to her. You could always deflect with humor at lunch "shall I get your tiara, girl, darn!!" or even "if everyone is so unskilled, why don't you do some inservices or something?" or my personal favorite "Preach!!" "So are we going yardsale-ing on Sat?"

[GrumpyRN, NP]

Actually, the word you should be using is '*****' not witch.

This is bullying at at its nastiest and eventually she will be called out for it - either officially through management or unofficially by being taken aside and assaulted. Seen it happen.

[AOx1]

I worked with several women like this on a rather toxic unit. They would try to run others down in my presence. I refused to listen. Ex- "Can you believe Mary did that? She is such an idiot!" and I would respond with "That is not my experience with Mary at all. What would make you say such a thing to me about Mary?" If they tried again, I would say "Let's go talk to her right now together." They never would, of course.

When I was eventually promoted to manager of the unit, I gathered the staff together. I went and spoke with each shift. I let them know that we were finished with gossip, and those caught gossiping about peers would be fired. There was grumbling. Two people were fired. The unit was then a much happier place. Two ringleaders and a culture permissive of gossip had allowed for a horrible work environment for so many nurses. Work is for work. You gossip, you refuse to work as a team, I fire you. Simple, really.

I say this because all it takes is one bad apple like your friend, and those that stand by her and tolerate her nasty actions to sink the morale of a unit. Of course, she has problems. Boo hoo. So do all of us, so do the people she bullies. And yes, she is bullying, if she repeatedly undermines and criticizes. She is simply dumping venom on those who already have issues because of her own personality flaws. Don't they get credit for being multidimensional, for having pain and sorrow unbeknownst to the rest of us? I don't need or want friends who like to hurt others to make themselves feel better. She will not change until the cost of her actions is more than she is willing to pay. She still has a job and friends for the time being. She has a ready supply of people to attack and treat cruelly. She has no reason to change.

[ThePrincessBride, MSN, RN, NP]

Sorry, but my mother has a daughter with borderline personality disorder, severe anxiety, depression and a history of multiple hospitalizations and suicide attempts (who is now stable: me), a son with autism and an ex-husband who is a deadbeat criminal. And guess what? She is a wonderful person. I don't say this because she is my mother, I say this because it is true. If anything, dealing with a mentally ill daughter and an autistic son has made her even more compassionate, caring and supportive of others.

Having a sick family member does not excuse poor behavior at all.

I think my friend just doesn't realize how she comes across when she corrects or criticizes someone. She comes on strong and intolerant at times, but doesn't have the self awareness to see that. She becomes very self righteous at work at times. I don't think she's a bully per se, but is perceived as such by some.

As a friend she would give you the shirt off her back. She is a good listener. She has had some challenges in life and is humble about them. One of her children has mental illness and she spends a lot of time dealing with that.

I think my point is, people are multidimensional. Folk whom we dislike in the workplace have other sides to them when they are outside of the stress of work.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

I have worked with people like this...I am not big on the NETY thing. Sometimes you just have to put on your Big girl/boys pants and "buck up" (yes I tell my children this). I am not sure when we lost our thick skin and find EVERYTHING offensive and mean. I am not saying there are no bullies because in 35 years I personally have been the focus of two bullies. I think they are stunted neanderthals...however there are people who like them...go figure. I can't say victim I didn't feel victimized but they were insecure jealous little gnomes that live under bridges. I was the better nurse and it showed. I ignored their childish attempts to mess with me and in the end their true colors were clear to everyone.

I have worked with some tough cookies throughout my career. It was more prevalent years ago. I think it was because nursing school was so intolerant (and some still are) to imperfection. Our nursing instructors were tough. If you complained you were told "Don't like it? Leave...we have 30 others who want your spot" and they did. We didn't expect to be molly coddled or be spoken to with positive warm praise. We were taught from a young age. Not everyone wins. Suck it up. I remember my first and second semester instructor who told me, 35 years ago, I would never make a good nurse because I didn't delegate well and I was a loner...she road my behind like no ones business. I went home crying more times that I didn't...you know what? It made me a better nurse.

I have worked with many nurses that actually aren't intentionally being "mean". They are perfectionists and expect more out of themselves than they do others. There are standards that need to be upheld...period. There are lives at stake. They may not say it in the manner you wish then to but that doesn't mean you are being attacked. They are rough and gruff but would give you the shirt off their back. AS a supervisor and co-worker I have pulled them aside about the delivery of their message...alas...I accept them for who they are...good nurses.

In my day (as I get out my cane and hearing aid) we were put through our paces when we were new grads...it came with the territory. I think we were better for it.

In this "EVERYONE WINS" society people have lost the skills on how to respond to negativity and negative feedback. They have forgotten that life is darn hard and not everything will go your way and not everyone is nice...now what are YOU going to do about it? It isn't about the obstacles place in your path it's how you navigate around them that counts.