Mother of RN addict

[JacobsStory]

I know that this forum is supposed to be for nurses and health care professionals, and I am neither, but I hope that my message will not be deleted.

I am the mother of an RN who is an addict. Well, I used to be her mother. I haven't seen her or talked to her for two years, since I decided that I would no longer keep her secret, no longer be her enabler. She has changed her phone number and called the police to escort us, her family, off of her property. We will be arrested for trespassing if we go back to her home.

She admitted her RX drug abuse to me in July 2010. She had been shooting drugs into her body (I assume from one of the two hospitals where she was an ER nurse), taking other pills for which she had no prescriptions, and abusing the prescriptions she did have. She was addicted. To make matters worse, her husband is also an ER RN and works in one of the ER's with her, often on the same shift.

She was crying, very ashamed and scared. At that time, my grandson, her only child, was almost 3 years old. She cried that she was a horrible mother and wife, and that she was out of control and afraid that her husband would find her "stuff." That is when she explained that she was also using intravenous drugs. She kept crying that her husband would leave her if he found out and that he would take her baby with him.

She promised me that she would quit. She said had been doing it because she was so depressed that she had been trying to conceive for over a year and had been unsuccessful. I agreed to help her however I could. She never did quit. We, family, confronted her husband. He would not do anything to help her. She was viscious, nothing like the daughter I knew or woman he had married. I don't know what his problem is, only that he is part OF the problem.

Two years ago, when she left my grandson in the sun so long that he suffered deep, blistering, bleeding wounds, I called CPS and reported her. I sent them pictures of my poor grandson's burns. They initiated an investigation. My doing this was the end of my relationship with my daughter - and my sweet, precious grandson. I have paid the price for trying to protect my grandson, and so has he. We loved each other so much. Words cannot express my pain. I must leave it at that.

Once, she was caught at one of the hospitals where she worked, given a drug test and sent home. They said that they had been suspecting her and watching her for some time. When the drug test came back dirty, the hospital never learned of it. The third-party testing doctor called my daughter first to ask why she tested positive for XXX. She explained that she was taking prescribed medication for a recent wisdom tooth removal. He excused the dirty urine test and reported back to the hospital that she "passed." Of course, the third-party doctor didn't know that her tooth removal had occured over a month earlier, and that those drugs had been long gone. She went right back to work. I know all of these details and more because she told me.

A concerned family member contacted the second hospital where my daughter works in the ER with her RN husband. The hospital called me, and I spilled my guts and lots of tears. I begged her to get my daughter some help. She promised me that she would. If she had, I would assume that my daughter would be in a TPAPN program, which she apparently is not. Wouldn't her license appear as having been disciplined according to the Texas Board of Nursing website? I thought that her RN husband has sworn an oath to report known drug abuse of fellow nurses to BON. But, does that not include one's wife? I feel that, because husband had a PA "friend" of his write some of her prescriptions, I doubt that he will ever report her for fear of going down with her.

The odds are that she continues to take drugs from wherever she gets them. I do not claim to have knowledge of that she is doing that now, but I know that she would have had to have professional help to quit.

I have proof of texts and emails discussing her drug abuse. I have police reports. I know that I will never be allowed to see my grandson again, so I don't see that I have anything to lose anymore. I miss him and worry for him every day and pray to God to please keep him safe. I want to know that I don't have to worry about him like that so much every day. I swear, it is killing me.

It has been two years. What should I do? Just let it go? Thank you in advance for any wisdom that you can share with me. Bless you.

[carrimarie1010]

I wish I could give you a hug. I can't imagine your pain. Only when she hits rock bottom then has to make the climb back up will she realize you were only trying to save her and your grandson. Only then will she realize your intent came from the heart. Unfortunately that may be years away. She will eventually be caught. Everyone eventually gets caught. She will get sloppy with the diverting after awhile. People on drugs or alcohol are filled with anger and hate and they dont except responsibility for anything. My advice with your grandson is to do all you can even if it means getting her busted. My sister had an issue like this with her daughter and granddaughter. When my niece got busted CPS took the baby and placed her in foster care. We tried to immediately get her and they would let us have her. My sister had to take the quick route and become a foster parent in order to get the baby. It took a month. Now she has legal custody of her. So my point is if she and her husband are doing illegal things and the cops kick down the door they will take the baby. Also look into grandparent rights. Grandparents have rights in some states and can sue for visitation.

Good luck sweetie. You, your grandson and your daughter will be in my prayer.

Hugs

[JacobsStory]

Thank you for your kind comments, carriemarie1010. Thank you for reading such a long post.

I was told that about, "when she hits rock bottom." I would have thought that being exposed would have done that. But, it didn't. We did consult with an attorney. Because grandparents have no rights in Texas, he wanted us to try and gain custody. He seemed so aggresive, and it would be a long, drawn-out, and very expensive battle. We do not live in the same town as my daughter. We live two hours and several counties away.

We visited the sheriff's office of the county where my daughter lives and told him that we had driven into town to go to my daughter's home to see my grandson. We did not want trouble. We did this because we did not know what her reaction would be. Previously when her father attempted to visit her and ultimately tried to take her drugs away, she pulled a taser gun on him. At that same time, I had been babysitting my grandson in my own home two hours away. She was angry at her father and at me for telling him the truth about her addiction, so she threatened to call the police in my hometown to tell them that I had kidnapped my grandson. I digress, I'm sorry. When we arrived at my daughter's house, her husband immediately called police just as we had prepared for. We walked down the street and waited for sheriff's deputies to arrive. After explaining everything to them, and signing our trespass warnings, the deputy told us, "Well, I have been in the house, and I don't see any signs of drug abuse laying around." We explained again that she abuses prescription meds. He replied, "Oh. You know, it would be a lot better if she was abusing heroin or something like that."

I appreciate your suggestions so much. I wish that we had grandparent's rights, and I wish that the police would bust her. CPS said as much that prescription meds are most difficult to prove.

I have secured a website in my grandson's name. I put his picture on it (holding hands with his PopPop on the last day that we were with him) and I write to him. One day, when he is much older, he will stumble upon it - and us again. I also wrote an open letter to my daughter on August 15th, a week or so ago on the two year anniversary since she took him away from us, and I posted it on his website.

For now, that is all we have. I don't know what else to do, but worry and wait. I also worry for all of the patients that come into the ER expecting urgent care and getting an impaired ER nurse. I am glad that I do not live in that town.

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

In reading your post, I can feel some of your pain and despair. You want to save the life of your daughter and of course the life of your grandson. I am SO sorry that you and your family is going thru all this. I can still remember the hurt and worry on my mother's face when she asked over and over for me to get the help she knew I needed.

I knew I needed help with my addiction, but there was no way I wanted to have to tell someone - anyone - that I was addicted to prescription meds and diverting at work. I was able to keep it hidden for quite a while, but eventually I could not hide it any more. My co workers had been watching me, and called the supervisor. It was the worst moment I could imagine but also the best, because I knew I didn't have to pretend any more.

I wish there was something I could say that would help but you will be in my prayers as well as your daughter and grandson. Every addict is different - one person's "rock bottom" is SO different from anothers - it may take running out of meds for one person, and another may take getting arrested and losing their job and their freedom for someone else. I do hope that your daughter is able to get the help she needs before something happens - please let us know how things are going - - hugs to u.

Anne, RNC

[NRSKarenRN, BSN, RN]

Texas BON:

Eligibility and Disciplinary Sanctions for Nurses with Substance Abuse, Misuse, Substance Dependency, or other Substance Use Disorder

How do I file a complaint against a nurse?

Complaints may be filed at any time against a nurse by completing a written complaint form, available online in the following format: For Individuals: Cmplt.pdf - Adobe Acrobat. For Employers: EmpCmplt.pdf - Adobe Acrobat. Click here if you need to get Adobe Acrobat. In addition, you may request a complaint form be sent to you by calling the Texas Board of Nursing at [phone] or the Health Professions Council Complaint Line at 1-800-821-3205, or you may simply write out your complaint on plain paper.

Your complaint can be faxed to [phone] or you can mail to the following address:

Texas Board of Nursing, Enforcement, Suite 3-460, 333 Guadalupe St, Austin, Texas 78701

What if I suspect chemical impairment or mental illness is an issue with the nurse?

These matters may be immediately reported to the Texas Peer Assistance Program for Nurses (TPAPN), in lieu of reporting to the Board, by calling 1-800-288-5528, or by downloading a TPAPN referral form and either mailing it to TPAPN, PO Box 9877, Austin, Texas 78766-0877 or faxing it to [phone].

How do I get more information?

Additional questions can be answered by email to [email protected] or by calling the Enforcement Department at [phone].

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

As per the Terms of Service we cannot offer legal advice......

[h=3]Legal Advice:[/h] ALLNURSES.COM, INC or it's members do not offer legal advice. Any requests for such will be taken down. If you have a legal problem, please seek legal counsel.

I can tell you that There are 37 states that permit court-ordered involuntary treatment include: Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Delaware, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia and Wyoming.

I would also contact a lawyer about involuntary commitment for substance abuse....

commitment process overview 12.14.10 - Texas Department of State ...

[TXRN2]

my heart just breaks for you. my own mother never knew of my problem- but i remember very well the pain i caused my husband. i don't know what the best thing is for you to do- just never give up!!! i can imagine easily how you feel not being able to see your grandson- this may be a very long & hard road- but hopefully it will get better. please keep us posted, & come back here anytime for anything we can help you with!! sending hugs & prayers for you & your family!!

[JacobsStory]

Thank you ALL so much. Your hugs and prayers are deeply appreciated. Hugs back to all of you.

I am sad to read of others' stuggles, but it helps to know that there is hope for her. I regret that I did not come to this site two years ago. I think that I am out of luck now. It has been two years since I have known my daughter, so I can't give any kind of "recent" report to Texas BON or to any judge/authority to have her involuntarily commited. I didn't know that I could have her involuntarily commited, or we would have done it then when she was downing everything she could get her hands on, even Benadryl and cough syrup, and threatening to commit suicide.

Why didn't the police TELL us that? Why didn't they tell her father that when they got to her house the night he tried to take her drugs away? I wish that we had known. I wish that we had acted back then. Why didn't the attorney tell us that? Why didn't CPS tell us that? Was it because her husband would have had to be the one to do it? That would never happen. Things may have turned out the same as far as a relationship with our family, but I could know that she got help.

[sallyrnrrt, ADN, RN]

bless your geart, i know it must be so very painful, i am so sorry all of you are going thru this.

there is hope, this is a treatable disease, if one wants recovery. unfortunately that will take reaching a bottom, which will probably center around her being caught. when and if she seeks recovery and learn to work the steps, which includes taking a personal inventory, making a list of people she has harmed, and making amnends, will bring some relief.

the time span for this can be quickly or very long while. deoending on personal honesty growth.

i think you will be helped by attending alanon or naranon, you can even get their books on amazon .....you will find some personal healing, and part of the blessed gift of recovery.

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

Thank you ALL so much. Your hugs and prayers are deeply appreciated. Hugs back to all of you.

I am sad to read of others' stuggles, but it helps to know that there is hope for her. I regret that I did not come to this site two years ago. I think that I am out of luck now. It has been two years since I have known my daughter, so I can't give any kind of "recent" report to Texas BON or to any judge/authority to have her involuntarily commited. I didn't know that I could have her involuntarily commited, or we would have done it then when she was downing everything she could get her hands on, even Benadryl and cough syrup, and threatening to commit suicide.

Why didn't the police TELL us that? Why didn't they tell her father that when they got to her house the night he tried to take her drugs away? I wish that we had known. I wish that we had acted back then. Why didn't the attorney tell us that? Why didn't CPS tell us that? Was it because her husband would have had to be the one to do it? That would never happen. Things may have turned out the same as far as a relationship with our family, but I could know that she got help.

She still can.....((HUGS))

[LoveNeverDies]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. A loved one of mine is addicted to prescription drugs. We have done everything we can to help this person, even posting bail when she was arrested, making her go to rehab (3 times) and nothing. The addict has to do the work themselves. It must be very difficult for you, calling CPS was the right move. I would look into reporting to the BON, police departments, and hospital her addiction issues, I know that seems terrible but someone is going to be desperately hurt. I really hope you are reunited with your grandson and that you and your daughters relationship will be healed.

[dadda11o]

You are in a hard situation. I hear what you are saying, finding out after the fact that other roads could have been taken but are now closed, is bitter. Sadly, in cases like this (I suspect), the issues are complex and that fact alone CAN make it hard for the police or others who might otherwise be able to help, to determine not only WHAT is going on, but WHAT might be done; particularly what IS best, and legal, for all concerned.

I hope that you can persevere ... what is happening right now is not (always) forever. I ended up in a situation where I was doing all sorts of odd things ... I was on a leave from work, because my husband and I were having issues. I still kept getting calls, though, asking when I was coming back, etc ... and at one point, a call asking if I could pick up medications as the facility's vehicle broke down. Nobody ever came to pick them up, though, as agreed. In a fit of rage, I popped out several (controlled), figuring THEN the people from work would "leave me alone". I wasn't thinking of future ramifications, etc ... and won't go into details ... but suffice it to say, that eventually, I became involved in a support group for nurses, run through the intervention service the state uses. I recovered ... and so do many other men and women.

I'm not well-versed in addictions, but I do know that you often see atypical behavior as the addiction more or less takes hold of the person ... obviously, as they choose strategies that they normally wouldn't. Sadly, you can't always count on the employment facility to "care" as often, they are more concerned with keeping themselves out of harm's way ... they might fire your daughter without reporting her, or the complaint might not be attended to for some time. Also, commitments, if improperly handled, can be a civil rights violation, so there are supposed to be some safeguards ... not just making a report. You might have, to the best of your ability, done everything right that you could have done. But after that, the matter is left to people with imperfect knowledge or possibly, more seemingly pressing matters.

Hoping and praying you can hang on ... and don't be afraid to make additional contacts. In my own life, after recovering my mental health, I've been going through a very frustrating situation involving making contacts with state agencies and the like. I've even contacted reporters ... and that may or may not be a road you might choose to take ... names not needing to be named, but the problem put more out there in the public eye and maybe, some suggestions for people on how to handle it. Or a reporter may have suggestions on who to contact or how to do so more effectively.

Personally, if I was your daughter ... after recovery, I would be very thankful for you ... as it sounds like you have taken some personally hard actions. Often, people don't want to get involved or take action that will get them into a hard place or having negative aspersions cast. I've always preferred having friends (and family) that would protect me, best they could, from throwing my life and future away, especially if I wasn't thinking right or clearly. Not "protecting" me by allowing me to continue down the destructive path. I hope and pray your daughter recovers and you are able to have a heart to heart, where she is able to thank you and you have her back, in her right mind and healthier and stronger than she's ever been.