Mother needing support-daughter bipolar

[bookwormom]

Friends-- I have only worked PRN in psych, but perhaps you can help me just a bit. My daughter is bipolar and on SSI. She is in her late 20s. She goes through crisis after crisis, and I have tried to be supportive. Her siblings love her, but don't have much patience, her father (my ex) is more troubled than she, and she has a history of conflict with my husband (her step-father). Right now she is getting out of a bad relationship; the guy won't let her have her belongings; she is staying with a guy who is bad news (writ big) and she has lost her driver's license for DUI. I have helped her out financially to some extent, but couldn't begin to address all her debts, even if I wanted too. Still, I am willing to help with the provision of personal toiletries, thrift shop finds, etc. But IT'S NEVER ENOUGH!! 'Specially now when she is in a crisis. Last night she called me twice and hung up on me twice, because I said that my husband was willing to call the boyfriend and we'd pick up her things himself. (It's a complicated operation for us to do this.) She is angry because I said we'd be driving a van, and probably couldn't pick up everything. All or nothing, says she. I tried to stay calm, consider options, but she just started screaming on the phone and hung up.

I know these are her problems, but here's the thing: If I give her less support and expect her to deal with her own life, I'm likely to get a call that she has overdosed, or that she is being d/c from the hospital and come and get her, etc. Or maybe a call that she is in jail? I dread answering the phone. I dread reading the court news in the paper.

I do realize that she is suffering. I hate to see her in such pain.

On the flip side, when she is good, she is bright and funny, caring, helpful and sweet-- just a wonderful daughter.

I am flogging myself thinking of what I have done wrong in raising her (I can think of quite a few things), and I am worried that things will get worse. From past experience, I've found that this is what happens. My sons love their sister, and my husband is quite supportive of me, but fundamentally, I feel quite alone in trying to help my daughter without being destroyed by stress.

PS Closest NAMI group at least 1 1/2 hour drive away. Not really acessible. Local mental health services/family support very very limited.

[Melina]

Bookwormom,

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I'm bipolar, and it sounds like I was in an similar state at your daughter's age. I have two things to tell you: first, you can give her all the support and love in the world, but she will only get better when she is ready to be better. You have to set boundaries with her and stick to them.

Second, it is never too late for her to get better. It took me until age 31 to even start to get my sh*t together.

If she is on SSI then she should have access to some services. It's hard to offer more info about resources without knowing what state you are in. If you want, PM me. I would love to help if I can.

~Mel'

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

Well, I'd certainly quit trying to figure out what you did to cause a biochemical disorder in your daughter.

I wish I could help. My sister has schizophrenia and it can get hairy, although luckily she stays on her meds.

[CHATSDALE]

bad situation but one plus side if they decide to stay on meds it is usually more treatable than some other mental dx

a lot of B-P also have some other rebelling problems [kinda like they are stuck in teen years] they have to be responsible for their own meds and they have to get goal oriented more difficult for them than for others but it is doable

one thing they don't need is someone to catch them when ever they fall

your other famiy member deserve a happy healthy life also be there to help with advancement but not to pick up the pieces over and over again

[PsychRN-Kris]

Wow. I have heard almost the same words come from my Grandmother regarding her daughter(my mother) who is Bipolar. YOU did nothing wrong!

Setting limits with your daughter may be helpful. You can't live in constant dread of answering your phone. I've been there, done that. The stress my mother caused in my life with all her crisis began to wear and tear on me. After years of middle of the night "I'm going to kill myself, or my boyfriend did....or you're never supportive of me!" phone calls that would upset me and as a result upset my husband, I had to finally one day say "Mom, please do not call me anymore in the middle of the night. I have a family that I am trying to raise. It's upsetting to the whole household. Call the crisis line." then I added "Mom, I do love you and I would love to get a call from you during the day sometime just to talk". It was a gut wrenching thing to do and I worried for along time she would kill herself and it would be my fault, but I had to do it for my own sanity. I also had to set limits with her as far as spending time at my house when she's off her meds. I can just look at her now and know when she isn't taking them and I know from past experiance a weekend visit from her off her meds always ends in disaster.

Your daughter sounds very lucky to have such a supportive mother but remember to take some time for yourself. You can't be the solution to every crisis.

[gitterbug]

I have no special insight, no sure-fire answers, but once you decide to forgive yourself for whatever it is you feel guilty about concerning this daughter, set some limits, and realize she must accept some sort of responsibility for herself, even in limited terms, then the situation may just get bearable.

Good luck, you have my prayers, after all these years of dealing with this, I know how overpowering this situation can be.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

I am in a similar situation. I know that you have to set clear limits. I will be brutally honest too: I have had to learn to detach from this issue. It is THEIR issue, not YOURS. They are making poor choices which have natural consequences.

I have rec'd calls from jail (not the worst thing that ever happened for sure - they are secure at least). I have also rec'd calls from other sources about the goings on. My husband and I are at peace that if we do get a call from the coroner or the police stop by, then we know that deep in our hearts we did everything we could do.

I'm sure from your angst that you have done the counseling, therapies, meds, mental hospital admits, multiple school placements, etc.. Sometimes you have to step back to save yourself so that later on down the road when THEY want help, you are able to give it.

I am so sorry. I don't have any wonderful words of comfort. Please know though that you are not alone.

My only suggestion is to contact her SSI case worker and let her take over.

[EarthChild1130]

I can't add anything that's already been said...please know that you did nothing to cause her to be bipolar so don't beat yourself up about it...The others have given great advice here so I have nothing else to add...best of luck and I hope that you and your daughter find the peace you both need.

[bookwormom]

I certainly appreciate the words of support. I really appreciated hearing that others have been or are dealing with the same issues. You all are great!!

I have a question for the poster who mentioned getting in touch with the SSI case worker. How does one find out who this is?

When my daughter first got on SSI, I managed her money, and it was tight, but she did okay. Later, she convinced Social Security (and me) that she could handle her money. It's been a fiasco ever since. I called Social Sceurity, and they told me that for me to regain control of her money or to have someone else appointed to do this (my preference), I'd have to bring in unpaid bills, etc. I don't have access to these, although I have received calls from bill collectors.

I have to admit, I really don't understand the system very well. It took many years for her to get any psychiatric help at all, and getting her on SSI was a major undertaking.

Once again, thanks.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

I was the one that said to contact her SSI caseworker. In IL, if you are on SSI, you have a caseworker, hopefully in your local office. Another resource in my rural area is the Emergency Response System (ERS) - they handle mental health emergencies and can sometimes find resources for you. PM me....

[CRNI-ICU20]

Have you thought about a support group for people who have relatives with BPD? Address your own needs first....because that is what REALLY needs to happen. You cannot care for anyone if you are broken yourself. Yes, she's troubled, and has a brain chem. imbalance, but none of that is YOUR fault, or YOUR problem....so don't own that. She is an adult....and while she sees the world with skewed glasses, you don't owe her your own sanity to help her 'see' differently. Encourage her to involve herself in counseling, or support groups as well....because, eventhough you are her mother, you cannot do EVERYTHING she needs. She blows out at you, because she can.

Set strong boundaries with her, and enforce them. IF she calls, and demands things you cannot provide her, stick to your guns,calmly tell her "no", and then end the discussion....she may not like it, but it isn't about you dancing a dance that leaves you exhausted and spent, it is about you keeping your sanity and harmony. This is counter to what many of us have been taught to do in nursing....we have been taught to give and give and give some more....at our own expense. This is not only wrong, it is lethal.

Take care of you first, then you have the strength to do the right things for her.

[Psychaprn]

Also check out NAMI-the National assoc. for the mentally ill. They provide support, info and groups for people who care for the mentally ill. Some states have sub-groups, i.e. Ct. has CAMI-good luck! Al-Anon might also be helpful.