Marriage and kids

DadStudentPerhaps · Jul 28, 2013

I would finish school before I got married. That is hands down to easiest way to do it. When my wife and I met in 1984, she was just starting Nursing School and I was going to school just taking pre-reqs (was not sure what I wanted to do when I started college) We dated for two years before I asked her to Marry me. We both decided we should finish school before we got married. She continued through Nursing School and I went to Aircraft Mechanics school. After we graduated and she passed her NCLEX and I passed my FAA exam for my license, we set a date and got married. Flash fwd to now.... She is back in school completing her NP requirements and I'm back in school working towards a RN career. We have two kids, we both work full time, and it's hard.... very hard, but doable. I would simply explain to your fiancé that you love him, want to marry him, but it will benefit both of you if you completed at least your RN first. I know of many people who never finished school once they got married because "life" gets in the way. Unfortunately, some if them had kids then divorced, and now being a single parent can't manage to go complete college. Anyhow, just my two cents :)

Lossea, RN · Jul 28, 2013

ZaraK, I completely understand your dilemma. This post might be long, so I apologize. :shy:

I am also in my twenties and am also only getting into Nursing (applying for the next Fall '14), currently in the middle of getting an MS. Your situation will be different than mine because you and your fiance are different people in a different place in your lives. On marriage dilemma, I would say to follow your heart. I was engaged when starting MS, and we did get married - because we knew that we would be happy getting married. We went to Vegas, just the two of us, and it was perfect; simple, quiet, with no stress of wedding arrangements, and better for us financially, since we were both in school.

You said that you worry about giving attention to your husband while being in Nursing school. I feel like, whether he is your fiance or husband, the level of attention to give him would not be startlingly different...I personally felt stronger after getting married. I was concerned that living with my husband would take away from time for studying, but my husband was very understanding. We might not have had lots of attention from each other, but we were living together, so we were close, and on breaks from studying we had quality time, which is what matters. I found a lot of support in my husband on those hard days, and sharing expenses relieved the financial stress too.

The wedding itself might be a very stressful and expensive event, if you envision a big ceremony. Living together, if you currently do not, might be a big change as well. Being a Nursing student, you would certainly need no additional stress, but you will see what works. Just take one day at a time, and after a year you will know what is the right thing to do!

On having kids, I am in the same boat (my husband and I want to have them too). If you are very close to starting the program, then I would advise to wait until you are through with it (unless, of course, you do get pregnant while in school; then this is how it was meant to be!) I know it is very possible to have kids and take care of other matters, but you would need a lot of support from your family to help take care of your child/children, especially if they are under a year old. If you are 20, you have plenty of time still. And ADN is usually two years, so it will fly by.

Let us know how you feel!

amberdawn85 · Jul 28, 2013

I am doing it opposite of you, I have a husband and 3 children, now I am doing nursing. It's one of the best jobs for mothers these days in my opinion. You typically work long shifts less days a week, therefore giving you much more time with your children then a mom who works 8-5 plus an hour of commute time. As for your husband, that is married life. A marriage is about supporting, helping and trusting eachother. You shouldn't need to neglect your husband or children in order to pursue your dreams. It's exhausting, you may not sleep more then 5/6 hours a day but in the end its worth it!

DisneyNurseGal, BSN, RN · Jul 28, 2013

Just like anything is life, the secret is balance. While I would not try to have kids while in school (pregnant during nursing school presents obstacles), I would just start learning how to balance everything. I worked full time during my pre reqs, l am married with three teenagers and managed to keep a 4.0 taking 12-15 credits. You just have to set aside time for every part of your life. Hopefully your fiancée is supportive and knows he is going to have to make sacrifices as well, and you know that instead of dinner and a movie dates you may have to settle with a quick ice cream date at DQ. This balance is something you have to work on for your whole life, get school done now before the kids. The first 3 years of marriage were the hardest, and just know that you are going to have to work harder to make it work. Women can do it all...I promise. Good luck.

LittleWhiteDress · Jul 28, 2013

If you don't want to marry this young don't do it. Yes I know you gave him your word, but if you aren't ready it won't be a good thing. You can still be engaged and get married to him in 2-3 years. I got married when I was 20 too. I was ready and my husband thought he was ready, but even though we have been married for 5 years now I can say it was too early. I have grown up and changed a lot from when I was 20. If you do decide to get married now I advise you to wait with getting pregnant. Nursing school will be the hardest thing you will ever do. There are a lot of smart 4.0 gpa people who get into nursing, but then struggle to pass. Wait just a little longer before you have children. Get your RN and work for one year at least, then you will be ready. You have to always have on your mind: what if my marriage doesn't work out? There is always a risk. People even get divorced after 20 years of marriage. What if you get married and pregnant now, then in one year you have a lil baby, are in the nursing program, and your marriage isn't working out and will have to face divorce? Or what if you withdraw from nursing because taking care of your infant requires too much time and then your marriage fails? Secure yourself with a RN degree before u have children, because if your marriage doesn't work out you will have no money to support yourself or your baby. I am no life expert. I can only say that nursing school is tough and requires a lot of time. In the end everybody has to decide for themselves what they want to do. I have decided to wait before having children. I need my degree first and a little work experience as a RN.

TLizS · Jul 28, 2013

I am 28 married with 2 kids (4 years old and 6 years old). For me...the key is scheduling...I am finishing up my pre reqs....I go to school 2 nights a week.....I did struggle at first with balancing my family and school...I was taking 16 hours and trying to maintain a good GPA. It was a HUGE change for us (I had been home with my kids full time since my oldest was born...so about 6 years) and they....and my husband were not used to me having commitments that I had to fulfill and them having to fend for themselves some. We are lucky to have an awesome support system with our parents and siblings. His mom keeps them/feeds them supper/gets my daughters homework done on nights I am in school....and my husband gets them to bed on my late nights.

my husband and I struggled with having to sacrifice some of OUR time at first too.....he was used to having our nights after the kids are in bed.....but with me being gone he lost some of that time....other nights I had homework I had to complete. We found a way to make the most of the time we do get now....and I really think we have become more independent in our marriage now (before we were one of those couples that did EVERYTHING together and rarely took time to do things on our own.) now we are much better at doing our own thing sometimes and cherishing our time together more.

We got married when we were 20.....I say go for it....unless planning the wedding is going to interfere with your school. We had a small simpler ceremony/reception and I really didn't stress out over it.....I was 20...he was 22.....he had a very demanding job working TONS of hours....I went to school full time (having no clue what I wanted to go to school for) and worked full time....it worked for us....

on the OTHER hand....we really want a 3rd child.....BUT I know I can't handle being pregnant/having an infant and going to school with the demands of nursing school. I realize it just wouldn't be good for any of us. I don't do pregnancy gracefully......I get big and miserable...had terrible anxiety with my second pregnancy, blood pressure issues with my first.....I just don't do pregnancy well and I know that I can't handle that and a demanding school schedule. Soooo that is on the back burner until I finish school. Some people can handle it for sure....but I cannot. I would recommend waiting until you finish school for babies....You are young and have PLENTY of time for that....enjoy being a young married couple and kids will come in time

rubato, ASN, RN · Jul 29, 2013

I am married with a teenager (older student here). No issues at all during my prereqs. I maintained a 4.0 with 15-18 credit hours every semester. Unfortunately, my first semester of nursing school nearly ended in divorce for me. It was just too much adjustment for my husband and son. They were used to Mom handling everything and couldn't function. I reached a point where I explained that they would step up or I might have a nervous breakdown. They did try but never fully got it. I adjusted, lowered my expectations, and we managed through the next semester. I'm getting ready to start my 2nd year in 3 weeks, and we all know what to expect. I think this will be a breeze.

nursingismycalling25 · Jul 29, 2013

I am 20 married for 5 years with 2 kids. My advice is focus on school and finish nursing school at least ADN before having kids. Im starting this fall & I'm scared its already stressful just to think about my schedule and me never seeing my kids and if they get sick who's going to take off work to care for them because I'm not missing school sounds harsh but I'm going to give it my all and hopefully it will be enough and we have very few miss days like 2 or 3 depending on the class. We're so young you don't need to be married and have kids so young I should know. I wish I could have at least been an RN before having kids but still it's possible but we will all have to sacrifice because I'm going to be married to this program for 2 years. You can do it but my kids are older already my youngest is going to be 3 in October so having an infant would be really hard to leave at daycare or in someone's care but everything has pro's & con's. I would wait just my opinion. Good luck.

stewartfamily2010 · Jul 29, 2013

I am married with two toddlers and would absolutely not consider of having another until I am done with nursing school....if ever. lol

MrsStudentNurse · Jul 30, 2013

I would of never been able to go to nursing school if I wasn't married now. I'm 24 and been married a year and a half. I'm thankful for my husband and that I'm able to go to school virtually because of his support. Not to mention the first year you're married there is a financial aid loop hole where it your income isn't combined but your still classified as married. I got a whole semester of school paid for last year due to that!! As for kids, we are definitely waiting until after I'm an RN. Good luck!

phoenixnim · Jul 30, 2013

I would wait. I'm 32, divorced, single mom of two young ones. I wish I had spent more of my 20's figuring out what I was going to do with my life, but that didn't become clear until after kids. Sure, I'm doing it. But it's HARD! If I had the choice to do this without kids, I would take it.

And if you aren't comfortable getting married yet... Don't. It's better to stay true to yourself rather than doing something you will regret later. I got married young when in retrospect, I really shouldn't have. I had no clue who I was, both of us had a lot of growing to do, and it's a lot of reasons why our marriage failed. It was a learning experience, and I had trepidations going into the marriage, but was too afraid of hurting anyone's feelings... Bad idea. Trust your gut, and go with that. If your fiance can't understand you want to wait and respect that... well, that would be a big flag to me as something to think on and what other big things will he not repsect in the future?

I am VERY lucky now to have an amazing boyfriend who is incredibly supportive of me and my dreams and who adores my kids. I know I would not be doing nearly so well in balancing and managing this school/dream journey without him. You want someone who is goign to support you. Marriage is on a back burner for me (even though I'm older, etc.) because we are focused on me getting school done right now and our money is going towards that. Relationships are all about compromise, respect and support.