Marriage Is over

[nurse07]

Hi guys I need some advice.

When do you know your marriage is over? Ive been with my husband for 6 years and I just feel that there is nothing left. I feel that we have grown in different directions and no longer have much in common but our son.

My life is changing and i feel that there has to be a change as well in all aspects of my life. Who else has had these feelings, and what is your advice.

It is also difficult because we have a son and I dont want to let him down

any advice would be great

Thanks Lace

[Love767]

Husband, are you really an atheist or just an agonostic? Depending upon the day that you ask me I'm either a Christian or an agnostic. However, I wouldn't presume to declaire that God (or Nirvana for that matter) doesn't exist anymore than I can completely convince myself that HE does (at least as traditionally believed). Here's how I look at the issue. Both the concept of the universe coming from absolutely nothing (as is believed by those who advocate the Big Bang theory) and the belief that it came from a God (who always was) are both completely INSANE. Since, I am faced with two impossible, insane scenarios I choose the one which I prefer. Perhaps, it's no more than a version of Pascal's wager.

[MellowOne]

If Seriously MellowOne, what does the Bible say about divorce?

Going back to the disrespectful thing...when you jump on a message board and ask a guy if his church group is giving his wife BJ lessons, then yes, that's disrespectful.

I'm sure that you already know the answer to the divorce question. The old testament spells it out rather clearly in the law. However, Christ himself said that divorce is justified only in the case of adultery.

You can go to biblegateway.com and do a word search on any word that you want. Do a search on divorce.

Predicting next question; "So Christ wants women to stay with abusive husbands?" No. Most of the time an abusive husband is also a man who gets some on the side. In any case, the NT is quite clear about how husbands are to act toward their wives.

Your wife is a Christian. Ask her. It might start a dialogue that will improve your marriage.

Be well...

The Mellow One

[Husband]

Love767,

I tend to seek proof before I believe something is true.

I don’t believe God exists in any form so I am an atheist not an agnostic.

I think that:

The Bible is a merely book written and rewritten by men.

Not everything in the Bible is meant to be taken literally - For example, Jesus turning water into wine at a wedding probably just means he made the event special.

Most Christians have a tendency to find loopholes for sexist text and improbable facts in the Bible.

Some Christians are intolerant of anyone who differs or disagrees with them and often lack humour.

MellowOne,

Where can I search on the Internet to confirm that most abusive husbands are also adulterers? This doesn’t ring true but even if it is, to me that’s still indicating a woman may only ask for a divorce if a husband commits adultery but not if he abuses her or does anything else. My wife’s family told of female relatives in Malta who had been repeatedly abused by their husbands but who the church and state would not allow them to divorce. It was difficult to leave their husbands and they could never remarry. I don’t what it’s like there now as this was years ago before my wife’s family came to Australia.

I DO discuss religion with my wife, along with gay marriages, abortion, nursing, finances, education and so on. Religion just isn’t an issue at home. She follows lessons taught to her by her family and church but she doesn’t blindly follow the ones she sees as sexist and ignorant just because they are in the Bible. She doesn’t ask me to go to church with her and I don’t ask her to go to a Computer Swap Meet or watch a Jim Carey movie. I was supposed to go to a Catholic Church session about marriage before I got married but my wife didn’t even bother asking. After a few knockbacks, a priest performed a special ceremony without a Mass in a Catholic Church. I would have married her anywhere and converted to a Catholic if she had asked.

I was just joking about the BJ lessons and apologise. Was oral sex and foreplay discussed or have I read your post wrong and the mentoring didn't include sex? Regardless, I’m sure that my wife would see ANY mentoring from church members as degrading. She is a strong (some say stubborn) woman who tends to make her own decisions and doesn’t like to talk about our sex life or finances with others. Yes, both are OK.

[Spidey's mom, ADN, BSN, RN]

Adultery, Abuse and Addiction . . . . the three reasons for a divorce in my mind.

Boredom - no. No person on earth will ever keep you entertained every moment of your life and it isn't fair to expect that. It reminds me of my kids in the summer . . ."I'm bored" . .well, then you are a boring person kiddo and you'd better get some new hobbies.

Women talk about all sorts of sexual things when men aren't around. Just get a group of the female nurses I work with together and listen! :chuckle I've been in bible studies where the subject has come up. Have also mentored women struggling in that area.

Sexual attraction waxes and wanes even in the best relationships. It isn't fair to say you are bored with your spouse and not expect that they are probably a bit bored with you too.

Sometimes I think we boomers (and the groups after) have grown up with the wrong idea about marriage being this romantic love affair and it really isn't. It is hard. And wonderful. And boring. And inspiring.

To give up, especially when you have kids, because of boredom seems selfish to me. Boredom is something that can be changed. It ain't all about me, me, me, me, me . . . . . .

steph

[Love767]

Okay, Husband maybe you are an atheist then. I find that many who think of themselves as atheists are really agnostic. After all how can any of us really KNOW that there is or isn't a God. Even if an angelic being of light appeared to us and posed for a picture how could we know that it was an angel and not some other phenomina such as PSI, aliens, or even home grown advanced technology? My main point was that in the final analysis believing in a God that always was, and always will be is beyond the grasp of sanity. So also is the belief that the Universe "exploded" into existence from a singularity (after all where did the singularity come from and if you say a previous universe that collasped upon itself I will ask where did THAT universe come from; and if you subscribe to the discreditied steady state theory I will ask how can something NOT have had a beginning?) In the end the only thing that we can be sure of is that we think therefore we exist, at least in some form. Since all of reality reduces the human mind to madness upon close examination, I say pick the madness which gives you the most comfort. After all someone IS correct. Even if we live in some sort of weird Hindu, Buddist multiverse where EVERYONE is correct (in other words our beliefs create reality) then that too is an objective reality. If the truth is not represented by ANY current beliefs then that is an objective reality in it's own right. I choose to believe in God, but I wouldn't presume to convince you to do the same. However, neither would I wish you to convince me that he doesn't exist since ultimately both viewpoints (a universe with an eternal God, and one that exists on its own without creation) are utter madness. You see now why my parents were asked not to let me return to Sunday school at my Lutherin church as a child.

[Grace Oz]

HOW THE HELL did this thread go from someone posting about their marriage being over, to a debate about GOD, the universe, etc etc??!!!!!

Ah, yer gotta luv open debate, dontcha! :uhoh21:

It kinda reminds me of the patient who admitted to hospital for hip replacement surgery, and ended up having his knee replaced!! ( weelll, maybe an exaggeration, but you get my drift!) Started out one thing, ends up another entirely! :rotfl:

[gwenith, BSN, RN]

I agree Grace - time to bring this thread screeching back to the original topic.

[Husband]

That patient must have gone to a public hospital.

So what do you think, should the woman leave the boring husband in a V8 or a Turbo?

[Love767]

Sorry, I got carried away in my reply to Husband. I would really like to know more about why Lacie feels her marriage is over. Are there BIG issues like adultery, abuse ect or just a general feeling that there must be "something more or someone better suited" out there for her? If it's the latter I think that I've seen this reaction in the wives of almost every married man I've ever known at some point in their relationship (maybe men feel the same, but I think their thought processes are more orientated towards sex with other women in most cases). Sometimes the couples work through this and sometimes it ends in divorce even after many years. It's almost like an "instinctual" thing makes me wonder if it might not go back to our "roots" long ago.

[Husband]

It's almost like an "instinctual" thing makes me wonder if it might not go back to our "roots" long ago.

Nice pun Love767.

I thought that being boring was part of the Job Description for being a Husband. I wasn't boring before I married. She removed all the interesting stuff from me early on.

This romancing is HARD.

She likes to buy stuff herself. My wife doesn't eat chocolates as they are fattening and are given to her for free at the hospital and I end up eating them anyway. She says no to flowers, as they are easy get too as a nurse (when patients die?) and flowers eventually die. She works shift work and going out is almost impossible (which is why I'm on the PC now... bored) and restaurants serve fattening food (she hated McDonalds). Compliments she expects as she is beautiful and gets them all the time from other guys.

I think when she calls me boring she means lazy. Fair enough call.

[MellowOne]

I thought that being boring was part of the Job Description for being a Husband. I wasn't boring before I married. She removed all the interesting stuff from me early on.

Now, truer words were ne'er spoken. Jeff Foxworthy does an absolutely hilarious bit on what being married does to a man. I don't remember the exact words, but it's something to the effect that;

Men don't need to wear wedding rings. You can tell we're married by the hollow-eyed slump-shouldered looking at the ground married man shuffle.

Be well...

The Mellow One

[MellowOne]

I was just joking about the BJ lessons and apologise. Was oral sex and foreplay discussed or have I read your post wrong and the mentoring didn't include sex? Regardless, I'm sure that my wife would see ANY mentoring from church members as degrading. She is a strong (some say stubborn) woman who tends to make her own decisions and doesn't like to talk about our sex life or finances with others. Yes, both are OK.

Apology accepted. I have no idea exactly what form the mentoring took, only that part of it was basically letting the Mrs. know that sex is an important part of marriage, she needs to take care of hubby, and enjoying sex with the spouse doesn't make a woman some kind of nympho.

As for your wife accepting mentoring, it seems that from your description, she should be one of the women actually mentoring others. Strong, knowledgeable, self-confident. Would she consider it degrading to provide guidance to others in her church family who need it? If a woman from her church came to her with completely screwed up ideas about sex and marriage, would your wife sit her down, or just leave her hanging?

We all have different roles to play. Some are teachers, some are students.

As far as Christianity, I have many doubts even after accepting the faith. Things are happening in my world that have put serious doubts in my head. It's something that we all struggle with.

Trying to understand the divine is even more difficult than trying to understand women. You just go day to day hoping to figure out little pieces here and there. Once you think you have it figured out, something happens that shatters your whole view.

Be well...

The Mellow One