Marriage Is over

eirthjona · Mar 29, 2004

The one bit of advice I would give is "dont stay together because of children" Children will beable to cope and will not be the only ones in the class. They also do not need to see adults getting bitter. Another thing is is the way you relationship is the way you would like your sons to be?

nightingalagacie · Mar 30, 2004

Lacie, I read your response, and it sounds like councelling is not an option for you, or perhaps your husband has refused? After you have exhausted all of those remedies that could promise some success, ie councelling, then you might still decide on splitting.....Lacie, you and your husband can only save your marriage with some kind of professional help, otherwise what is bothering you now will continue to bother you. :rolleyes: I only wish you and your family the best for a future together. Right now as a mom of a grown man and a grandmother to a beautiful and smart 5 yr. old, I have watched the dissolution of my own son's marriage. His wife left 3 years ago and she has asked to start over several times and my son was willing to try and a day before they were to sign the lease agreement on the apt. she backed out, that was it for him--never again!! Thankfully, they still talk and have the common love for the little girl, but watching this all unfold before me is very painful to watch and to still keep my mouth shut and not interfere. Many people who love you your husband and your son are also aching for you both...I just would love to hear that you tried a councellor before you make the big decision. Sincerely with best wishes for success Nightingalagacie

nightingalagacie · Mar 30, 2004

Hi PACU R/N I, too, am a PACU Nurse in Phoenix, Arizona in an outpatient setting. I work nearly full time hours as a part time Pool Nurse at the first surgicenter conceived some 34 years ago here in Phx, Az. PACU is an interesting place to work, I especially like outpt..... I am new to this site, and so far have liked reading the posts here. I am up at an ungodly hour this PM waiting for the drier to finish as my son is leaving for a business trip at 4:20 AM to catch a plane to North Dakota, and he is worried about over-sleeping. I just wanted to say hi to you and let you know Lacie is the one thinking about a big D. I have been married to the same dear Polish guy for 38 years, and not all of them redletter, let me tell you. We do learn that you have to work at marriage and get help if you need it....Gotta get some rest I have an 8 AM dental appt. then work. Hope to hear from you.....Nightingalagacie

QUOTE=PACU R/N] Hi Lace

Can you remember why you got together in the first place?

I do when difficult times appear. Also look at the relationship as cheque and balance. You say you are changing. Sounds like you have fallen out of love. Is he still attractive to you? He should be at the centre of your life.

Do you want to make an effort to change together? Don't stay, because of your son. It is difficult parting company...Sometimes it is for the better.

And yes I'm changing too...I guess that's why I'm kinda glad I work different shifts. 31yrs together now. We have almost parted company a couple of times,but had discussions about the difficult issues. Don't know how the future will pan out for me.

We have a daughter doing her HSC this year. I don't want to disrupt her emotionally. I will re-evaluate our relationship at the end of the year.

Follow your heart, I say. I suppose a marriage has ended when 2 people are not sharing their lives together. I wish you well whatever your decision...

Grace Oz · Apr 3, 2004

lacie..... (((hugs)))

my only advice to you is..... listen to that inner voice, take time & space to really listen. having said that....... be cautious not to allow the doubts to overwhelm you.

life is a mixture of sunshine and rain,

tear drops & laughter, pleasure and pain

we can't have all bright days, it's certainly true

but, there was never a cloud the sun didn't shine through!

hang in there, go gently. and a key word.... communication!

wishing you all the very best.

regards,

grace

Husband · Apr 11, 2004

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. Except for both being stubborn, we are opposites and have never agreed on anything. We are constantly arguing and have big blowups every few months. We have always found something to argue about; money, our/my/your son, house repairs, and when things are really going well and there isn't much to argue about, she will always bring up my mother or how I cheated on her in Year 11. We start to annoy each other if we are together for more than a day, which I think is because she has worked odd shifts as a nurse and we had to have different annual leave to cover the school holidays for years. She often says that she misses me when I'm away and is sorry about how badly she treated me before I left but then wants to kill or maim me with scissors within an hour after I come home. I can't stay angry with my wife after we go to bed so we wake up the next morning friends.... which lasts until the afternoon.

Despite our differences and constant arguing we are still together when other couples, looking like twins in matching sweaters and finishing each others sentences are getting divorced. After so many years and shared experiences, including our son, we both know that we love each other and all the rest is not important.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but... my wife has girlfriends who left their husbands because they considered them boring and wanted "something more" in their lives. This seems common. One met a loser over the internet and others had affairs at work then left but none are happy. I'm not saying that you are like them, it's just that I see that having a "boring husband" is a lame excuse to leave, probably because I'm one I guess.

MellowOne · Apr 11, 2004

Hi guys I need some advice.
When do you know your marriage is over? Ive been with my husband for 6 years and I just feel that there is nothing left. I feel that we have grown in different directions and no longer have much in common but our son.
My life is changing and i feel that there has to be a change as well in all aspects of my life. Who else has had these feelings, and what is your advice.
It is also difficult because we have a son and I dont want to let him down
any advice would be great
Thanks Lace

Well, here's a man's view:

To start, a woman marries a man expecting him to change, but he changes very little. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, but her change is great. (Especially when she loses her sex drive after that first bite of wedding cake :uhoh21: )

Your life is supposed to change as you grow. If it's not changing, then that's the time to be worried.

Most married couples only have a few things in common. Being men and women, we're wired differently, have different world views, and different priorities. That's simply the way it is. Accept this, and you're halfway there.

Contrary to what many say, a child IS a valid reason for a couple to stay together and work things out. If I didn't have 2 sons, I would have divorced years ago. However, love of my children and the desire to raise them in a whole home forced me to work on the marriage. Now at 12 years, my marriage is as strong as ever.

Wanting a change is not reason enough to break a lifelong vow and put a child in the position that divorce does.

Many here have recommended counseling. I agree. Even if your husband refuses to go at first, go alone. When he sees your effort, eventually he'll want to be a part of it as well as appreciating the fact that you value the marriage enough to work on it.

Finally, have sex as often as he wants (that's not a joke), and don't begrudge him the man activities that he needs such as fishing, cards with the guys, going to a game, etc etc. Do the woman stuff that you need to do with your girlfriends without insisting that he be a part of it. Let him be a man, be at peace with and actually celebrate the differences between men and women, and don't sweat the small stuff.

Good luck, and be well...

The Mellow One

dansamy · Apr 11, 2004

Especially when she loses her sex drive after that first bite of wedding cake

As a married woman, I want to address this statement as being patently untrue. Women do NOT lose their sex drive after the 'I do's get said. Men get lazy & stop romancing their wives. I don't want to have sex with a lard-@$$ who hasn't showered, shaved or burshed his teeth in 2 days. Get the @#$% away from me! The man I dated weighed xxx lbs. The man I wake up to each morning is 50 pounds heavier. How is that supposed to be attractive to me? (And no, I do NOT weigh 50 pounds more than I did on our wedding day. I can fit my wedding gown.)

dansamy · Apr 11, 2004

BTW, Mellow, what art do hold a black belt in? I'm a black belt in TKD.

Audreyfay · Apr 11, 2004

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. My first marriage lasted 5 years. Our daughter was 10 months old when we split. I would have done anything to save the marriage. But, if one or the other is not interested, there is nothing left but to go separate ways. The only choice I can see is that if he does not agree to go to counseling with you, then the decision has been made. If he thinks your union is worthwhile saving, he will WANT to go to counseling with you to save it! Good luck!

eirthjona · Apr 11, 2004

Mellow one

Sorry But children are not a reason to stay, And I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY HUBBY JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS IT THAT IS RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Been there done that it has screwd up every relationship since.

MellowOne · Apr 12, 2004

Mellow one
Sorry But children are not a reason to stay, And I WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY HUBBY JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS IT THAT IS RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Been there done that it has screwd up every relationship since.

Children ARE a reason to stay. That is not to say that all couples with children should stay married. In a situation where abuse is present, then there is an obligation to remove the child from the abusive situation. That a wife or husband simply becomes bored with his/her spouse and wants to find some younger sugar is no reason to break up a child's home and put him/her thorugh the trauma of divorced parents.

My own marriage had some very rocky times. I love my sons with all my heart, and was determined to keep the home whole for them. We worked on the marriage, and still work hard. Now we have a strong marriage and confident, happy sons.

Giving yourself to your husband when he wants you with consent is not rape. It is fulfilling your obligations as a wife. Even the Bible says so: 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. "2Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

The principle is this; A man will fulfill his sexual needs one way or another. When the wife takes care of her husband, then the desire to go outside of the marriage is diminished. (Of course, there will always be men who commit adultery regardless of the wife.) A man will fulfill his sexual needs one way or another, wether it is via his wife, Media, or another woman. The principle is two-way. A man is not to deny the wife her needs.

You obviously have a deep-seated anger. I'm not joking, and I'm not being insulting. Out of genuine concern, please try a counselor. There are alot of good people who can help you work through these issues.

Be well...

The Mellow One

nurseunderwater · Apr 12, 2004

for some info about divorce and children see: Reviving Ophelia.....written by an anthropologist - can't remember her name - talks about the broader scope of divorce and children now that some data is available.