Published Mar 28, 2004
Hi guys I need some advice.
When do you know your marriage is over? Ive been with my husband for 6 years and I just feel that there is nothing left. I feel that we have grown in different directions and no longer have much in common but our son.
My life is changing and i feel that there has to be a change as well in all aspects of my life. Who else has had these feelings, and what is your advice.
It is also difficult because we have a son and I dont want to let him down
any advice would be great
Well, here's my experience: I'm not married, but have been with my guy for 6-7 years and we have a 5yo son. 2 years ago, I came to the same feelings you are having now. I felt we just weren't right for each other and fought way too much. I had tried leaving before but was always convinced to stay. But 2 years ago, I finally made up my mind to leave and have our son come with me. We shared custody and got along ok-his family was more rude to me than they should have been(I am still my son's mother for pete'sake) On my own, I bought my first house, got my first nursing job, and had my first adult relationships(besides him). After time went on, we started being friendly again, and he started coming over to my house, then staying over, then moving in. We still fight, the same things still annoy me, but our time apart allowed both of us to grow into different people, and we fell in love all over again. As for our son, this was a difficult transition(and he's autistic) and he didn't quite understand what was going on, but that was a sacrifice I needed to take in order for us to all be happier. And I still believe that-a child isn't going to be happy if the parents aren't happy. I guess I did'nt really give you any advice, but wanted you to know others go through this too. Don't stay just because you are scared to make the leap. if you've been thinking about this for a long time, then in your heart you know you need to leave, it's just getting up the courage to do so(my experience-I contemplated leaving for years). Hope you will b happy with whatever your heart tells you to do-I feel for you because it is soooo hard!!! Good luck in the future.
Sounds like you need to see a counselor. Speak to your spouse about your feelings and concerns, ask him if he likes the way things are going. You must have been in love once, right? With help you can reingnite the spark again. We all go through times in a marriage when things just don't seem right. Stay and work it out. It is worth it. I have been married for 38 years and at times we needed a boost. Vacations help. So does talking. If after that, you still want out, then do it, but it is not easy. Nightingalagacie
Can you remember why you got together in the first place?
I do when difficult times appear. Also look at the relationship as cheque and balance. You say you are changing. Sounds like you have fallen out of love. Is he still attractive to you? He should be at the centre of your life.
Do you want to make an effort to change together? Don't stay, because of your son. It is difficult parting company...Sometimes it is for the better.
And yes I'm changing too...I guess that's why I'm kinda glad I work different shifts. 31yrs together now. We have almost parted company a couple of times,but had discussions about the difficult issues. Don't know how the future will pan out for me.
We have a daughter doing her HSC this year. I don't want to disrupt her emotionally. I will re-evaluate our relationship at the end of the year.
Follow your heart, I say. I suppose a marriage has ended when 2 people are not sharing their lives together. I wish you well whatever your decision...
does he know how you feel? how is your relationship outside of you feeling this way..I agree, counceling would be a good idea.
I was watching Dr. Phil last week and he said he was talking to a lady who was married over 50 yrs., he asked her what her secret was....she responded,
"we both fell out of love at different times"...so basically, sounds like this is normal, but with work, (if you BOTH are willing) you may be ok...
I would be sure to exhaust all your options so you feel you did what you had to do to make this decision right, whatever that may be...good luck!
My husband and I went through a very similar time when we hit our 6-7 year mark, we talked it out for days...realized some of our problems and worked them out. I'm happy to say we have been married 18 years this past December. It's worth a shot, even get with a counselor, just don't give up without trying something...too many people just divorce without trying.
traumaRUs, MSN, APRN
Lacie - I took endorse the talk it out option. My husband and I have together for over 25 years, married for 24 and it has been a series of changes. When we married, we were both in the military, young and I was pregnant! We stayed together through a lot of things both fantastic and mind-numbing. We were both living for the moment. As we grew, we both went back to school, moved again and again and kept changing our views on many things. My husband now teaches JROTC (he retired from the Air Force) and loves it. I'm back in school for a BSN/MSN and looking for career advancement. However, there isn't another person on the earth I would want to spend my life with! But...we don't agree on everything. As our children grew we had to develop outside interests. For my husband, its the church and our neighborhood organization. For me, its school and I volunteer on the fire department. It can be done - it just takes work. Good luck with whatever decision you go for!
Hi Lacie, I have been married for 21 years, and yes we too very nearly split at the 7-8 year mark. In fact I thought that the only option was to split. I was bored, and felt the spark had gone. My husband begged me to go to counsellilng (which I thought was a waste of time), but I finally agreed. After only 2 sessions we were able to identify what had brought us together in the first place and reconnect. From there we were able to rebuild. It still took effort on my part not to pack up and leave, but to persevere and rebuild. Now, I look back and think how easy it would have been to leave. I look at my daughter 16, and my son 13 and realise they would have had a very different childhood had I left. A sadder childhood. Of course I was not in an abusive relationship in anyway, in fact my husband was very involved with caring for the children when I was at work, dropping them at childcare, cooking meals, etc. As they got older he became involved with scouts with my children and became a scout leader, and then became involved in basketball etc. My husband has always been grateful I agreed to go to counselling, because he has loved being an involved father. The effort to rebuild has made us a stronger couple. As a working couple we work as a team, as a family we make time for holidays together, but also weekends away as a couple. People who know us now, cannot believe we were ever in danger of breaking up.
I wish you the best, it is not an easy time for you, but as you have read, many couples go through tough times, and come out stronger. Divorce is the easy option.
Well thank you all for your helpfull advice.
Its hard to know what to do and what steps to take. I feel sometimes you are forced to look at your lives and deal with any trouble there might be in them. I think this is the problem with out marriage. I really think from the start that we had major problems and that we really shouldn't of stayed together in the first place. But you just fall into a comfort zone and the weeks and months go by and then one day something happens and you have to take stock of everything.'
I have tryed to spice things up abit, I suggested many things to try and save our marriage like dates, movies time alone from our son, but it never happens and im sick of trying .Yes he does Know how I feel but i dont think he wants to know. He dosent think we have any problems. All we have in common is our son and you cant base a marriage on that. I know Im answering my own question but It is still really hard to say YES im going!!!
It is really scary, but im a strong person with a good family and i know that they will support me. Any other advice would be greatly appreciated.
Lacie, I wish you the very best
Lacie, just a thought, but have you tried a trial separation it may 'shock' your husband into realising that you are serious when you say your marriage is in trouble.
Good luck in whatever you choose to do
nursemary9, BSN, RN
I'm sorry about your situation. Everyone here has had good advice for you; I have been married 31yrs. this coming April; It is a HARD job!! There is more compromise then I had ever dreamed. It has had it's good times and bad. There are times when I just wanted to walk out & I'm sure he has felt the same. Actually, the first few years for me were very difficult and somewhat unhappy, then everything settled down; My husband is a very reasonable and supportive man; I couldn't ask for better.
I wish you the best
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