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Marriage distress

I am a senior nursing student whose marriage has gone into complete turmoil since I have started school. Any suggestions? I don't really know what's going on. I almost feel my husband is threatend by my new career choice, or maybe my lack of being home because of school and clinicals, he is always making crazy accusations. Will it get better?

HELP!!!!!

I'm not married, but everything has changed since starting school. My GI tract is not the same (stress) and things bother me more than normal. It is reasonable to think that my behavior to someone close to me, like a spouse, might appear differently. It's possible that your spouse detects a change in you and is suffering internally because he doesn't understand. There is possibly nothing sinister there.

We've all been involved in a relationship where we know something's wrong, but we just don't know what it is. It's frustrating, and perhaps that's what your husband is feeling.

Lisa CCU RN, RN

Specializes in Geriatrics, Cardiac, ICU.

I'm sorry you are going through this. As to whether or not it will get better, I really don't know. All you can do is focus on what's important. You deserve to have a career and hopefully a lot of prayer and heart to hearts with your husband will pull you through. If this is your senior year, maybe he's just getting antsy and ready for you to graduate. He won't be complaining when you have double incomes now will he? Bling bling baby!

Lisa CCU RN, RN

Specializes in Geriatrics, Cardiac, ICU.

My GI tract is not the same (stress) and things bother me more than normal.

Wow, I thought I was the only one.:uhoh21: :uhoh21: :uhoh21: :uhoh21:

NurseLatteDNP, MSN, DNP, RN

Specializes in Education, Administration, Magnet.

You know, the first day of our nursing school, the instructors have told us that during the next 2 years there will be at least 2 deaths in the family, 2 divorces and 2 pregnancies in our class. We have almost met the numbers in the first semester.They said that we need to stay focused no matter what comes our way. I wish you the best and stay strong. You can do it...

BrieRN07

Specializes in Postpartum/Nursery.

I am a senior nursing student whose marriage has gone into complete turmoil since I have started school. Any suggestions? I don't really know what's going on. I almost feel my husband is threatend by my new career choice, or maybe my lack of being home because of school and clinicals, he is always making crazy accusations. Will it get better?

HELP!!!!!

Oh my goodness.... bless your heart. I am nervous now b/c I'm a newlywed and I don't want my education to put a strain on my marriage. Thankfully, we are both college students so he understands the demands of college life. Just keep faith in God, and he will bless your marriage.

I am a senior nursing student whose marriage has gone into complete turmoil since I have started school. Any suggestions? I don't really know what's going on. I almost feel my husband is threatend by my new career choice, or maybe my lack of being home because of school and clinicals, he is always making crazy accusations. Will it get better?

HELP!!!!!

Get competent counseling ASAP. And set aside time to communicate. Write each other letters. Don't waste time on accusations. Talk about what you each need and want and are willing to bring to your relationship. Try to recall what brought you together in the first place. No matter how time pressured you are, set aside a couple of hours a week to put everything else on the back burner and concentrate on each other. Massage, sex, cuddling, dinner, (hey that's not a bad gameplan) do whatever will recharge your batteries. Think of it as a mandatory marriage clinical if that helps you make it a priority.

Finally, talk about your hopes and dreams. Once you've refreshed your friendship (and this is far more durable than romance), you can look to the future. Maybe he's bogged down in the now and has lost the ability to project even six months ahead. And really, that's all you're talking about. Six months till you graduate.

Maybe you can plan an inexpensive vacation or cruise for summer or early fall. Most employers will give you unpaid time off for plans you've already made if you mention them when you are offered a job.

The most important thing is to be on the same team tackling problems together, not attacking each other. It has been my experience that people lash out when they're hurting and being defensive only makes things worse. The most effective response you can have with someone who is finding fault with you is to ask them, "What do you need?" For men especially, many of them have never thought about their unhappiness in these terms. They only know they're feeling bad and it has something to do with you. By turning the focus to what that unmet need is, you are taking the first step toward meeting it.

There are all kinds of creative solutions to temporary problems. You'll get the best results if you put your heads--and hearts--together to find them.

I wish you the very best.

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful advice. It is really nice to be able to talk with people who know exactly what you are going through. All of my peers are too stressed out to talk to right now (finals week:) ). Thank you for your help, I will try to take your advice. Please don't be nervous newlywed, I think the fact your husband is in college also will make a huge difference in the understanding.

JentheRN05, RN

Specializes in OB, ortho/neuro, home care, office.

Alright, not to put a damper on things. But after have gone through serious marital problems myself during nursing school, and doing alot of reading, do keep one thing in the back of your mind. When a man accuses a woman of cheating. It very well could be a guilty conscious, at least in most books I have read.

My husband cheated on me at the beginning of my marriage, and then during school we had a small similar problem (I can't prove either way, so I choose to trust him). He started accusing me of cheating. That's when I realized that something was dreadfully wrong.

Keep strong, assure him that he is the only one for you, and that your change in status doesn't mean he's any less of a person, you will and do still love him

Get marriage counsoling before it gets too much worse.

Will be thinking of you in this difficult time

~Jen

I am a senior nursing student whose marriage has gone into complete turmoil since I have started school. Any suggestions? I don't really know what's going on. I almost feel my husband is threatend by my new career choice, or maybe my lack of being home because of school and clinicals, he is always making crazy accusations. Will it get better?

HELP!!!!!

You need to find the proper time to sit down and talk about the issue. He better than anyone can tell you what is going on. I am sure you BOTH can make some adjustments and pitch in to help the relationship. I am no Dr. Phil not intend to be one, but communication is the key.

I went through this already and through proper communication nailed the issue (which was menial) and easy to adjust. Best wishes to you.

School is a huge drain on you emotionally, mentally, sometimes physically. It is often misunderstood by spouses who are not going through the same thing, or have gone through the same thing. I recommend you try to get together with some other married couples in the class (Maybe go hang out after exams, bowling, or something where you can socalize.) It might be helpful for him to talk to some other husbands who have also had their wives start being different. Also of course, over break take some time to really talk to him and let him know how much you value him and care about him...etc.

One of the big things though is that you are being different. No doubt he is immensly proud of you for taking it on but he may also feel a bit overwhelmed by the "New you" and it can be difficult for someone to recognize this or even verbalize it... I definitely had this problem with my BF when he started to do a lot of traveling for his job. I was always the one who traveled and it took me a while to get adjusted. I was not jealous, but I would actually get sort of put out if he had to go and do training in an emergency....I was so so proud of what he was doing, but at the same time, I was a little irritated that he was making all these new friends without me... After a while, I adjusted...but I was a little not so good to be around for a while. Lucky for me he is a laid back guy and just sort of laughed at my sulky strange behavior.

Best Wishes. You can have both your marriage and complete nursing school- please remember it isn't either or....

Tweety, BSN, RN

Specializes in Med-Surg, Trauma, Ortho, Neuro, Cardiac.

Good advice. You must communicate, communicate, communicate. Hopefully, he just needs some reassurance. It's going to get tough and you need/and should expect his full support. Good luck.

Some men are threatened when wives enter nursing school. The potential for financial independence threatens some men, who might subconsciously or consciously like the dependence. There's been many a post here of nurses who are using their education to eventually leave their husbands (but staying with them for financial reasons). My sister graduated and left her husband within a week, completely totally out of the blue. Perhaps his buddies at work are telling him stories such as this.

Good luck.

Lisa CCU RN, RN

Specializes in Geriatrics, Cardiac, ICU.

I am a senior nursing student whose marriage has gone into complete turmoil since I have started school. Any suggestions? I don't really know what's going on. I almost feel my husband is threatend by my new career choice, or maybe my lack of being home because of school and clinicals, he is always making crazy accusations. Will it get better?

HELP!!!!!

I didn't even think to ask. What kind of crazy accusations is he making? Like Jen said, people tend to start projecting things they are doing onto their spouse if they have a guilty conscious. My husband ( we are now separated) accused me of cheating just because I was at the library a lot! I was taking, US History, Micro, Chemistry, Women's Studies, and English all in the same semester. I had two labs and they had midterms and finals just like the other classes. Did he understand this? No! He claimed no one goes to class all day and then studies all night too. Well, I'm sorry but I did. I went to class and stayed on campus until 5:00 pm and then came home and reviewed. I swear I would have made the A's I wanted but I got B's because of his constant beratement. I was reasonable and talked to him, but he wouldn't listen. The funny thing is, the next semester when I wasn't taking so many classes, he acted like he was too busy for me! Trust me, he wasn't, this was just how he acted. I kept telling him, when I graduated, this would be worth it. I don't see how he had room to talk when he was neither in school OR working. Anyway, just talk to your husband, maybe he just needs reassurance, but you need to make sure nothing else is going on either.

Fun2, BSN, RN

Specializes in Operating Room.

Make sure you have a heart to heart conversation with him.

There's always that really crazy idea of nurses & doctors getting together, and this may be running through his mind.

He may be having a problem with the thought of you seeing male patients w/o clothes, and having to clean/shave/etc them.

You need to reassure him. Plan a weekend getaway, write a nice love letter, put little notes that simply say, "I love you" in places that he will be sure to see.

(In fact, I woke up Saturday morning & went to my desk. I moved the top sheet of paper that I have been practicing Algebra on & and on the second sheet was a "I love you" that my hubby had wrote. :) That's very unlike him, but a total confidence booster in our marriage.

Go to counseling, if things get that bad off. Counseling may be able to dig out what needs to be fixed.

Try to arrange time just for you and your husband. Even if it's just once a month, plan a date night. My DH and I used to have date night every Saturday night, but since I started back to school, it has come almost to a halt. However, we do try at least once a month. It helps tremendously, especially because we have children.

When you have your "date night" do not talk about school, or work for that matter. Make it a night to put all stressors aside and enjoy each other.

On another thought, many people feel that one person in a relationship, usually the woman, should back away from getting their education in cases like this. I don't see it that way. I see it as "if my husband were to pass away, if we end up getting a divorce in the future, or if he is disabled and can't work, I have to have a way to provide for my family."

A minimum-wage job won't cut it for a family of 4, or 3 with or w/o child support (if that be the case). Call me gloomy, but I have to look at the whole picture, not just the fact that I want an education.

I hope things work out for you, just make sure to reassure your hubby of your love. :)

My husband and I separated ways because he found someone new while he's working far away. In my case, I used studying as means of keeping myself busy so as not to wallow in misery thinking of what he had done. It's a shame because I'm doing this for him and my son. Though our situation is different, I feel as if your situation can be solved by open communication, and based from the fundamentals of nursing, open communication starts with trust. This is very hard to establish, but once you get there, everything else follows. Tell him that you are not only doing this for yourself but also for him. Make him get involved with what you are going through so he'd understand what it is like. Once he gets to see the kind of world you are experiencing right now, he'd realize that this is a step to making the both of you happy. Make him feel that you going through school needs your teamwork as a married couple. Maybe then, he'd begin to feel that whatever you achieve is also his achievement.

Thanks Jen and Jess. We'll see what the future holds!!!:rolleyes:

Amber

Hubby & I have always had a strong marriage (22 years!). But I'll tell you, we have NEVER gone through stress like we have since I started school. We all know how stressful and time-consuming school is, and let's face it, our spouses miss us! We went through some really crazy stuff recently-unfounded accusations, etc., that had never happened before between us. We both settled down and discussed things together, which helped. Turned out, in addition to the stress of me being in school, hubby is depressed (I"VE known it for 2-3 years. He just took a bit longer to realize it LOL). He is on Wellbutrin now and is feeling much better about things. I try to make as much time as possible for him, and keep reminding him about our dream to move South after I graduate.

This summer, I made sure we spent a lot of time together and that also helped. It helps for us to remind each other that this is simply a season of our lives together, and that it will pass. Best of luck to you!

Thank you again everyone your posts are great!!! I have tried talking to my husband, the communication thing is just not working, he clams up. He says counseling is not an option you know HE doesn't need help. I do know that I have never felt so unsure of my marriage as I do now. We have two wonderful daughters. He just doesn't understand that I am doing this for him and our girls just as much for myself. We will have to see. Again thanks everyone!!!!:p

Balder_LPN, LPN

Specializes in Urgent Care.

Hang in there. You are a senior you said, so not much longer to go now.

I can speak to the fact that nursing school is hard on marriages. I have been married twice, and both times we split up right as my wife was nearing graduation for nursing school. The second time we saved it.

Make sure to make some special time for the two of you together, on a regular basis, that will make a big difference. I dont think it is very often that men actually feel intimidated by their wife getting educated. But rather that they feel like you wont be so dependenat on them, and their role as the provider is lessened. make sure he knows, regularly, that is not the case. Not having time for each other reinforces to him the fact that you may not need him so much.

BTW: I am the one in nursing school this time. so I hope it is easier for us as we already went thru it together once.

Thank you again everyone your posts are great!!! I have tried talking to my husband, the communication thing is just not working, he clams up. He says counseling is not an option you know HE doesn't need help. I do know that I have never felt so unsure of my marriage as I do now. We have two wonderful daughters. He just doesn't understand that I am doing this for him and our girls just as much for myself. We will have to see. Again thanks everyone!!!!:p

If he won't go, then go by yourself. He may think he's just fine, but any man whose wife is unhappy has a problem whether or not he wants to admit it.

My husband and I have stayed married for more than thirty years, in part, because we have treated our marriage as our first baby. There's him, there's me, and then there is us. Whenever he or I have a need or a problem, the "us" is affected and the other one sits up and takes notice. Nothing can happen to him or to me that doesn't register in the "us." We each retain our independence but we have a unity of spirit and purpose that we work very hard to protect and maintain. Like I said, the us is our baby and we care for it tenderly.

I'm afraid a lot of marriages are made up of two individuals who haven't truly formed an us. It's never too late, but it does take two willing partners.

I hope your husband is only having a temporary brain fart and will come around. Chances are, he's operating out of fear right now and men convert that vulnerable emotion into something that doesn't feel so scary--anger. Try not to lock horns with him over non-essentials. They're only distractions. Tell him how much you need him and miss your sense of connection. And, if you are a praying person, ask God to give you a strong spirit and a gracious tongue.

Again, go for counseling on your own if he won't go with you. Ask around for recommendations or try several till you find someone who has a voice of reason and doesn't have their own axe to grind. Whatever the outcome, you need to be taking care of yourself and getting moral support.

Keep coming back here for fresh infusions of encouragement. We'll be happy to oblige.

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