Lost two kids yesterday

[Double-Helix, BSN, RN]

One was a 3 year old who had a severe anaphylactic reaction at an outpatient office. He arrested and at the ER they were able to get a rhythm, but by then there was no brain function. The declared and took him off support yesterday.

The second was a chronic kid on our unit, not even 2 yet with multiple issues including hydrocephalus, cardiomyopathy and pulmonary hypertension. He was sedated and intubated for a procedure and didn't respond well to the sedation- bradycardic, hypoxic, bottomed out his bp. They rushed him to PICU and we worked on him for nearly two hours. Even maxed out of vasoactive medications he could not maintain a pulse or perfusion without compressions and he didn't make it. This was a kid who had bounced between PICU and peds for months. I took care of him just last week- rocked him to sleep on my lap. He was so sweet, but had such a hard life. It was the first code I had been involved in where the patient didn't make it and it was very emotional for all of us.

Then, to top it all off, another one of our babies went bradycardic and hypoxic right at change of shift. He needed to be intubated and required atropine.

Needless to say, none of the day shift nurses left on time yesterday. It was such an emotionally grinding day and I came home and cried for awhile. This wasn't my first loss as a PICU nurse, but it was my first where I had been so involved in the code and the patient's care in the past. I just needed to reach out to those of you whom I know will understand.

[merlee]

I wish there was a way I could reach through and hug you.

My very first job out of nursing school in 1974 was in Neonatal ICU. I remember when I participated in those first codes, especially the ones when the babies didn't make it. Each one was heartbreaking. The night supervisor was never helpful.

When you've had them a while, it's even worse.

There is only so much any one of us can do.

We here know everyone did their very best.

Best wishes.

[CoolNurses]

You did your best and the best part you gave the kid what he or she needed most, TLC...

[Jolie, BSN]

I'm so very sorry.

[donsterRN, ASN, BSN]

Ashley, I am so sorry. I know I can never do what you do. Gentle hugs to you. :hug:

[SHGR, MSN, RN, CNS]

God bless you for the work you do.

[Altra, BSN, RN]

{{hugs}} Ashley.

[sapphire18]

Hugs, Ashley. Definitely know how you're feeling and it's hard, it hurts, but it will get better. Keep on keepin' on. You seem like an awesome nurse and your patients are lucky to have someone like you caring for them.

[tokmom, BSN, RN]

I'm so, so sorry. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be.

Hugs to you, the parents who lost their children and to those children whom had to endure so much in their young lives. :hug:

[czyja, MSN, RN]

I am very sorry. What a hard week!

Try to stay well.

[mommyof2Tees]

:hug: Sending you lots of hugs :hug:

[Esme12, ASN, BSN, RN]

:hug::kiss I am so sorry!!! What a crappy day..... You can't help but to cry on days like those. The PICU is a tough place to work. After I had my babies I could no longer work there....I either gave it all at home or I gave it all at work and had nothing left at home. I always took what comfort I could from the time I spent with patients regardless how short to somehow give small parts to comfort their time with us and focus how to give Te family the tools to someday not hurt as much as they do today.

You are a great nurse, it's plain to see from your posts. Grieve and allow yourself to hurt.....for just one day. Then go back and do what you do best.....being you. You will never forget the little things about these patients and it will comfort you along the way....Peace :hug: