Lost my husband on Holiday Break

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I haven't been on here in awhile. I and my husband, an educator was enjoying our school Holiday Break-Christmas, Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve and New Years. But then without warning, on January 7, 2018, while preparing for bed, he collapsed in front of me. I did CPR and later with my oldest college son. My youngest college son called 911, EMS arrived within 7 minutes. I saw the flat line but thought I could get a miracle. About an hour later after working on him, they finally told us, we had did everything right. They had tried to help him as well but that unfortunately, he passed. ( I am still awaiting the death certificate cause of death. He was a diabetic for 25 years and had minor symptoms of CHF in the last year but was very active). I am still in shock and don't think I am living in the real world yet. So, here I am back at work, a week after the funeral because the school doesn't have paid bereavement days for the staff. Wow, I suddenly empathize with past and future survivors of lost loved ones. I wrote the board, but they only referred me to HR. I do have strong family support and old and new friend support. I feel better to be back at work 3 days away from the quiet house. Can anybody share any helpful advice? Thank you.

Specializes in School Nurse, Pediatrics, Surgical.

I am so terribly sorry you have had to go through this. I wish I had words that could help heal. I can offer my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. Please reach out to this group and your community of loved ones during this time. Hugs!!!

I'm sorry for your loss, wish I can offer more. >

Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
I haven't been on here in awhile. I and my husband, an educator was enjoying our school Holiday Break-Christmas, Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve and New Years. But then without warning, on January 7, 2018, while preparing for bed, he collapsed in front of me. I did CPR and later with my oldest college son. My youngest college son called 911, EMS arrived within 7 minutes. I saw the flat line but thought I could get a miracle. About an hour later after working on him, they finally told us, we had did everything right. They had tried to help him as well but that unfortunately, he passed. ( I am still awaiting the death certificate cause of death. He was a diabetic for 25 years and had minor symptoms of CHF in the last year but was very active). I am still in shock and don't think I am living in the real world yet. So, here I am back at work, a week after the funeral because the school doesn't have paid bereavement days for the staff. Wow, I suddenly empathize with past and future survivors of lost loved ones. I wrote the board, but they only referred me to HR. I do have strong family support and old and new friend support. I feel better to be back at work 3 days away from the quiet house. Can anybody share any helpful advice? Thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss - I lost my mother Jan 6, 2018 and I did end up taking 5 days off work. Three of those were paid bereavement and two were PTO. I could have taken more but once the funeral was over I just felt the need to get back to work. I plan on taking trip this Summer with my sister to scatter mom's ashes in Hawaii where she lived for 6 years and was honestly the only place she was really happy.

Hppy

Specializes in Hospice, corrections, psychiatry, rehab, LTC.

Sorry for your loss. Sometimes you do everything right, and you still don't get the outcome that you want. You can be at peace about your efforts to save your husband's life.

Years ago, I worked with an RN in an administrative office. Her husband was a cardiologist. They went on a skiing trip, and she had a massive MI. Despite his high degree of training and his expertise in the field, there was nothing that her husband could do to save her.

I am sincerely sorry for your loss.

I really, really appreciate the virtual hugs and offers of prayers. I can't explain how I feel. The Principal did come speak/hug after several staff kept reminding him. It felt better to be acknowledged. I feel I can't really cry yet. Everything is held up, awaiting the D. Certificates. The wondering if the ins. will come through and how much. I still face a few mounds of paperwork to send off once I get them. So I can't cry yet. I try but it's trapped for now. I won't let fear overtake me because I believe God has never and will not forsake us. I can't afford to lose my composure at work, then that would equal less pay. I don't have any more paid time off. I may seek grief support if I think it will help. The boys and I continue to ask each other if you're ok. We don't want to stress each other out so we just say, yes, I'm ok what about you. We may chat about something he said or did for a few minutes. We will get through this. I'm glad someone said the husband cardiologist couldn't save his wife because I was beating myself up that I should have seen this and prevented it. But I had no idea and saw nothing to suggest that night he would die. I tried to start a journal but it felt like I was nurturing my wounds too much. It feels real good to open up, to you all, especially with a medical background because a couple of siblings did confront me if he had any issues beforehand at the hospital family room. I found myself trying to diagnosis past complaints. My head hurt and my hands and legs started to shake and they finally let me alone. At my house the same two started scavenger-hunting and church members told them to leave. Sorry, I didn't mean to detail my life events. I am going to be ok. Once I see my financial situation better, I will probably grieve it out and move forward. So I would say, I'm in the Survival Mode. Thanks for all the concerns. God bless you all!

Specializes in Psych, HIV/AIDS.

Dimples, my heart aches for you; my deepest sympathy to you and your sons.

Your tears will come and sometimes when you least expect them, just let it happen and don't worry about what people might think.

You have every right to feel whatever feelings that may arise: anger, abandonment, sadness, loneliness....

I am a firm believer in the afterlife and I know you have a special guardian looking after you all now. Still your heart and allow your husband to impart what he feels you need. Listen to your instincts, as it may be a 'clue' from your beloved husband.

Hugs to you.

Specializes in Psych, Peds, Education, Infection Control.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

I am so very sorry about your husband passing. It's awfully tough to lose a loved one. We beat ourselves

up, we nurses wonder why we didn't see it coming, we deal with all of the funeral arrangements, we worry about

our kids and about the future, we are lonely and afraid, confused, angry, might become physically ill, and

so much more.

Accept whatever strength friends, coworkers, etc. can give, just keep taking one step at a time. And rest

if you need to. You can't always be strong.

I always have found that getting back to some degree of "normal" by resuming work was good for me.

It sounds like you have, too. It was always good to put grief and anguish aside for a few hours.

Don't do anything you don't want to do unless it is totally essential, like paying the bills and caring for the pets.

Keep close to the kids, as they are hurting, too, as you know. Not trying to tell you what to do, just

telling you what has helped me and hoping you find solace and strength in some of this.

God loves you, although it might seem a little hard to accept just now. Some people get angry at Him, some

wonder why life hurts so much sometimes. I have no real answers. Time will help you to feel less pain.

I'm glad your Administrator managed to speak some words of consolation.

Specializes in School Nurse, past Med Surge.

I am so sorry for your loss

Specializes in IMC, school nursing.
I really, really appreciate the virtual hugs and offers of prayers. I can't explain how I feel. The Principal did come speak/hug after several staff kept reminding him. It felt better to be acknowledged. I feel I can't really cry yet. Everything is held up, awaiting the D. Certificates. The wondering if the ins. will come through and how much. I still face a few mounds of paperwork to send off once I get them. So I can't cry yet. I try but it's trapped for now. I won't let fear overtake me because I believe God has never and will not forsake us. I can't afford to lose my composure at work, then that would equal less pay. I don't have any more paid time off. I may seek grief support if I think it will help. The boys and I continue to ask each other if you're ok. We don't want to stress each other out so we just say, yes, I'm ok what about you. We may chat about something he said or did for a few minutes. We will get through this. I'm glad someone said the husband cardiologist couldn't save his wife because I was beating myself up that I should have seen this and prevented it. But I had no idea and saw nothing to suggest that night he would die. I tried to start a journal but it felt like I was nurturing my wounds too much. It feels real good to open up, to you all, especially with a medical background because a couple of siblings did confront me if he had any issues beforehand at the hospital family room. I found myself trying to diagnosis past complaints. My head hurt and my hands and legs started to shake and they finally let me alone. At my house the same two started scavenger-hunting and church members told them to leave. Sorry, I didn't mean to detail my life events. I am going to be ok. Once I see my financial situation better, I will probably grieve it out and move forward. So I would say, I'm in the Survival Mode. Thanks for all the concerns. God bless you all!

The what ifs when you know what to do are the hardest part. One half of all first MIs are fatal. No warning signs. Let your faith sustain and remind you that, despite his love for you, your husband has transcended time and is finally home. To him it will only be a few breaths and you and your children will be there with him. Praying.

Specializes in School Nursing.

Does your district's HR have an Employee Assistance Program? One of my benefits at my district is all the employees have access to a toll-free number to call for support with life issues (emotional, financial, legal, family, etc.) and referrals to professional resources. If you're not sure, maybe you could ask your HR representative if they offer something like that? (Though I think maybe they would have mentioned it already.)

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