Looking for help... desperate and tired

[jnks]

I posted on this board this summer after trying to "socially drink" after 5 years clean in 12 step fellowship and got some pretty good responses. Unfortunately, I didn't change anything my problems have progressed greatly. I'm in a failing marriage and diverting waste dilaudid IV. I've stopped using the IV drugs for the most part, but am self-medicating bigtime w/ marijuana and other Rx pills. I'll spare you the details, but my life has been so unmanageble that I've sunk into a major depression w/ almost constant suicidal ideation. I'm trying to get clean and leave my marriage. I just don't want to jeapordize my job or license.

My question is this: I feel like I can't leave my marriage w/ out going home to my parents or "getting away" for awhile. I have a psychiatrist appt Friday. I just don't want to fall apart and wreck my career. I am a brand new nurse w/ only 6 months into my 1st job. I have verbally agreed to work for 2 years. I have thought about getting a medical leave to go home and regroup, but am scared my boss will know it is for psych and I am afraid of the stigma. I have also thought of going to her, telling her about my situation w/ my husband and asking for a month leave w/out pay. Or I can try to keep working while dealing w/ all this stuff. I am afraid if I just quit my first job after just 6 months, it will be harder to get another job later. I also feel like they have put a lot of $, time, and energy into training me and I don't want to let my boss down. I can't figure out what to do. If you are still reading this, please, please take the time to give me your opinion. I need major help.

[wubbzy]

I did the same thing with the IV Dilaudid where I worked at. My patients always got what they were suppose to have and I kept what was suppose to be wasted. I tried to quit on my own a few times without success. I would get so sick trying to stop and had to have "just a little"...(or more) to just be able to function. Then EMS took me to ER. They thought I was having a stroke. I had hemiparesis, was confused, didn't know the date or a few other things. What happened had to do with some effects of the drugs. I had been using awhile and the doctor in ER asked me why I wasn't dead (because of the levels in my system). I think you need to get into some treatment and get yourself clean and sober, get a sponsor, and a home group, and make those your priorities. As for your job......you WILL get caught if you keep using....trust me. Eventually, you will get sloppy...as was my experience. The obsession/compulsion to use can be deadly. I detoxed in the hospital last May (2008) and have now been clean for about 9 1/2 months. My license is inactive now, I just got out of jail last week after being there for 4 months, don't know if I'll get my license back because this is my 3rd strike. I used to think I was invincible and would never get caught and life would be wonderful! My suggestions come from my experience and I hope you take care of this soon. Maybe the psychiatrist can get you into a treatment program. Take the time you need off work to get the help you need. It might be hard to get a job after quitting one after 6 months but it will be impossible to get a nursing job without a license. You and your husband got married for better or worse, in sickness and in health. This is part of the worse and it is a sickness. My view is that those vows should mean something (yeah, I'm old fashioned, too). Please take care of YOU. This is not advice....just some suggestions from my experiences. I hope we both can find some strength and hope.

Good Luck!

[rninmi]

My heart goes out to you:scrying:.....I am sure most everyone on this board can relate to your situation in some aspect...especially the unmanagbility part.

You need tx....you cannot do this by yourself...a geographical change will not help....GET INTO TX tomorrow, today...very soon......I would self report to your BON and get into an assistance program. IT WILL WORK OUT!

Countless addicts (myself included) have been overwhelmed and right where you are! Just get the help you need, refill your toolbox, surrender and good luck! Keep us informed...please

[jackstem]

My friend, you have received excellent feedback already.

You have a chronic disease that has significantly altered your brain. The result of these alterations is the change in your emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical health. You no longer have the ability to say no to the alcohol, dilaudid or any other mood altering substance you use. This disease will progress until you end up in the hospital, prison, or the morgue. YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE! Please follow the suggestions already given...go to treatment! Ask your employer for a medical leave of absence and go to treatment. TOMORROW!

Jack

[Rascal1]

Run,.. don't walk to a rehab. for help. Make recovery your number one priority and give it every ounce of your energy. This disease is cunning,baffling and deadly. You're not alone in this fight. You can do it !!

[RochesterRN-BSN, BSN, RN]

You are in no shape to be taking care of patients......not emotionally and not physically-- you are a danger to them. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Leave your husband and go straight to rehab, you sound like you need treatment for the depression too though......hard to say if you have true depression of substance induced mood disorder--meaning you stop with the substance dependence and the depression goes away........I would suggest if you have not read the above posts and are already out the door-- go the the hospital and get an evaluation.....I work in a psych ER and see patient just like you every day. If you have a hospital with a psych ER go there, I think you will get a more comprehensive eval. If not to a hospital that has an inpatient psych unit. They can see you and talk to you more in depth, see just how much of a safety risk you are, see if you need any medical detox.........and either get you to rehab or admit you to psych then rehab.....but you need help, yesterday. Your addiction has taken control of all of your insight and judgement here. It's making you steal narcotics, work in an unsafe state......get help.

[Magsulfate, BSN, RN]

It sounds like your life is upside down. At this point, instead of thinking about saving your nursing career, you need to be thinking about saving your life. Yes, it is that serious. One day you may take too much or be driving down the road and swerve off of it killing yourself or worse, killing other people. I'm not even going to say how you could harm a patient. I know that is the last thing you want to do, but you are already doing it. Just by diverting the dilaudid at work you are harming your patients.

BUt, make this about you. RIght now think about you for a minute. If you don't have your life, you can't be a nurse.. SO, save your life first, and then think about nursing. I know that you've just went through the toughest thing you can imagine by graduating nursing school.. and you don't want to lose your nursing license. Right? I've been there. I saved my life, and my license. But you can't handle this on your own, it just won't work. You've already tried it, so you should know.

Check out your states board of nursing website and get the number to the nursing peer assistance available in your state. You don't have to lose your license to get into recovery.

I hope you are well,,, .. please take everyone's advice here..

[SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN]

See if you can get FMLA. And go home to your folks for awhile.

{{{jnks}}}

[HM2VikingRN, RN]

please self refer yourself for treatment through the impaired professional program. Its clear that you see your crisis and want help. Wishing you peace and recovery.

[NurseRoRo]

Ditto about FMLA. It is meant to protect your job and they cannot drop you when you are on medical leave. FMLA was granted to me the day I inquired to HR about it and then they sent me paperwork for my Docs to fill out and I had three weeks to send it back to HR. It's a lifesaver. Good luck. We're all here for you.

[exnursie]

To qualify, FMLA requires employment for a year.

my 2 cents about your situation.

You are trying to escape any consequences, and want to save face. Good luck.

Focus on recovery and the other problems will be solved.

Marriage does not stand a chance if you are in denial about your addiction and resisting your recovering husband's attempts to help.

Depression ove your snowballing problems are no surprise.

Working with narc access will lead to BON involvement, license loss.