Lacking compassion?

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Dec 20, 2015

Welcome!

You are not alone in your lack of emotional expression after residents or patients die. I am not much of a tear-jerker either, but it is because I make the deliberate effort to place my patients in one compartment and my close family members in another. It's called compartmentalization.

Contrary to popular beliefs, you can still provide competent care and warmth to your patients without emotionally attaching to them. I'd be burnt out and an emotional hot mess if I grieved over every dead patient.

Good luck to you!

Hoosier_RN, MSN · Dec 20, 2015

And I've seen some I've worked with phony crying in facility, the laughing afterwards, saying glad they're gone. I don't cry much either, just try to be consoling to family

Anna Flaxis, BSN, RN · Dec 20, 2015

I think that quite often (not always) in LTC, death is the expected outcome, and it's not as if this is your own Grammy or Popop.

Like TheCommuter, I'm not much of a crier either. It's what allows me to do my job in the Emergency Department. If I were deeply affected by every situation where a person was suffering, I would not be able to function effectively in my professional role.

That's not to say these things don't affect me- I've had some good cries in my car on the way home, or even a day or two after a critical incident while at home on a day off. You do have to find ways to cope with the grief inherent in this job. But in the moment, at work, I generally don't feel much, and that's okay.

Imagine if you were the family member of someone who just died, and the caregiver was an emotional wreck. Family members rely on us to keep it together so they can fall apart. It's not about us.

Ruas61, BSN, RN · Dec 20, 2015

Do you feel compassion or empathy in other aspects of your life? If you answer no to that, you likely have a problem. In work, while not the 'norm' it is not required as long as one can be personable and approachable.

nutella, MSN, RN · Dec 20, 2015

I agree with the Commuter.

My work in hospice and palliative care, which means that pretty much all of the patients I see are terminally ill and often die within a short period of time. I regard death as a normal part of life and compartmentalize. Once in a while there is a situation that sticks out for whatever reason. You can have compassion with crying or being overly involved.

not2bblue · Dec 20, 2015

As much as you may care for your residents, they are not your family so it is as upsetting as when an acquaintance passes. I'm very sad about it, but I am not going to be depressed or down like I would if it was my family. A co-worker I really, really liked passed last month and I even went to the funeral, but still it wasn't the same as a family member. It's OK not to get that upset. Are you compassionate? Well, if one of your residents fell would you run to help or would you laugh? If you come to help then you have compassion. If you would laugh, you need to work on that. :cheeky:

ProgressiveActivist, BSN, RN · Dec 20, 2015

.

It is not appropriate to form strong emotional attachments to a patient. It can cloud your judgement or ability to function in a crisis.

Our job is to make them comfortable so that they die peacefully. You are not expected to grieve for the patients.

True compassion is providing competent nursing care. It is also that sense of relief that the person isn't suffering anymore.

ProgressiveActivist, BSN, RN · Dec 21, 2015

When a patient dies that is a family moment not the nurse's.

I have seen nurses interject themselves into their private moment and make themselves the focus. That kind of attention seeking behavior is very inappropriate.

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 21, 2015

I made the mistake of forming too-close attachments to patients in the past. I work in a specialty where patients die, and often. And I would cry and just feel sick about it so much it was like a family member died.

I realized I was exercising poor boundaries. I put way too much of myself in their miseries and personal lives.

I have since learned to care, but not too much. To be compassionate but not to invest my heart and soul in their personal issues/situations.

Sure I feel badly when they die, especially for their loved ones. I mourn no longer seeing them. But I no longer carry on so about it and have learned it is part of what I do. Helping them live as they choose, and die, when it's time, with dignity and respect, is my job. More than that, and I am crossing a line that I should not be.

As said, it's the patient's and family's moment and it is not about me.

I think you are fine. You care. Compassion is appropriate. Going beyond that is too much.

KelRN215, BSN, RN · Dec 21, 2015

I am a pediatric nurse and I do not remember the last time I cried when one of my patients died. I am sad for their families but these deaths are rarely surprises so I've already known that these kids were going to die. It bothers me a lot more when they die trach'd and vented in the ICU then when they pass at home or on comfort measures.

coffeetalker · Dec 21, 2015

As others have said, boundaries are hugely important in healthcare- and that means knowing (and sometimes making a conscious effort) to remind yourself that your pts are just that- your pts. They are not your family/friends/pets. When a pt dies, it is the family's job to grieve that, and it is not fair for the family to feel that they need to comfort the healthcare workers. Having good boundaries lets you do your job well for much longer than if you become overly attached.