Is this wrong? Death and Dying

birdgardner · May 24, 2008

Porcelina, I don't think you were wrong in the least. My class just took Death and Dying and part of the purpose of class was examining our own attitudes and experiences with death. We had to write a journal, which the professor saw, and give a presentation to the whole class, and it was personal.

By sharing her own experiences with a cancer scare and her mother's death, our professor established trust and modelled guidelines for personal revelation. She didn't go overboard and make it all about her, and I am sure you did not either.

I am sorry for the loss of your sons. The pain of losing a child is never over. Thank you for drawing from that loss to care for others and to teach.

scribblerpnp · May 24, 2008

I am a nursing instructor as well and teach growth and development. One of my lectures covers death and dying too. You were not in the wrong describing your loss and feelings attached to it so long as you were able to continue to speak in a professional manner and cover the necessary content. I see NOTHING wrong with what you did. Is there a possibility she is using this as an excuse because of something personal?

When I teach my class as I go through the lifespan and talk about different items or theories, I usually use my family and friends as examples. I also use examples from pts I have cared for. The students seem to positively respond to this. And I think it helps in the teacher-student relationship. It humanizes me- I'm not just some cold B***** who wants to fail them, AND it helps their retention on content. I have had a few say, I got that question right on the test because I remember about when you told the story of.....

This past year my mother became terminally ill. Though I wasn't teaching a G&D course a the time, I did talk to my current class about the situation (for a short moment), so they would know what was going on and why I might be slower to answer e-mails, phone calls, etc. Also, I had so many students catch me in the hall to ask me how I was- which would usually upset me more. So it was easier to update them all at once instead of individually. The out pouring of cards and well-thoughts I received meant so much to me and showed me what extraordinary nursing students our program admits!

You can BET that when I go over death and dying this fall, I will use my experience with my mother dying to give as examples of the five stages, etc, but only if I can do it by still covering the appropriate content and without crying. I don't know yet, I may still get a guest speaker for that section.

I am so lucky to work where I do, because this will definately not be an issue.

AlabamaBelle · May 24, 2008

Many of our instructors would use personal examples relating to different aspects of nursing care. Some were funny, some were not. The stories were so helpful to me in remembering aspects of care and care planning. Quite a few helped me pass NCLEX, because the story aided retention of theory.

In my nursing practice, I am able to relate to parents/families of critically ill children and those who have children with special needs. My youngest has a congenital heart defect - she was not expected to survive. She did survive, but now we face the neurological consequences. So yes, I tailor my care to that family. They know that yes, I know how they feel, been there and done that - not just blowing smoke. Used to burn me up when people would say "I know how you feel" when, no, they really don't know how I feel.

So, no, you were not in error.

Hugs to you

hollyberry678 · May 24, 2008

I certainly don't think it was wrong, that is the subject matter, it is a human thing, and you shared your experiences, which brought the subject matter to a human level. Perhaps someone complained because it is a painful area. some people can't deal well with their own pain. I certainly don't think it innapropriate at all. I think you were doing your best to teach a painful area. I am so sorry. And I am truly sorry for all you have suffered.

DebanamRN, MSN, RN · May 24, 2008

You did nothing wrong. I prefer an intructor who can relate to the subject. Relating personal experiences helps me learn more than any book. I still hear the voices of my LPN instructors when in certain situations.

Good luck to you. I am sorry for your losses. They make you a better instructor by walking the walk and not just talking the talk.:heartbeat

Deb

Sabby_NC · May 24, 2008

that instructor was me. I was evaluated by my boss and she stated it was inappropriate for me to discuss the death of my 2 sons. I just mentioned that I had lost one at 6 weeks to SIDS and my other son was 17 and died in a car accident. Boss told me I was wrong in bringing that up in the class.
I was hurt to say the least.

Bless your heart.

Gentle hugs your way.

MikeyJ, RN · May 24, 2008

I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine what you have been through, but my prayers go out to you.

There is a Ph.D. peds/ob clinical instructor at my school that is known for being harsh (I have never had her, but we have all heard stories). She always sits in on lectures when our instructors are teaching. Well, one day during class our instructor was discussing cancers and we got on topic with a certain type of rare cancer (forget what it was). Anyway, the harsh clinical instructor raised her hand and was telling us some early signs and symptoms of this particular type of cancer. She continued on to tell us of her son who died of this cancer at the age or 5 or 6, and she went into specifics detail of when she found he had this cancer, it had metastisized and died a few days later. She had half of the class in tears.

But the point of my story is that I really appreciated her telling us her personal story. It made her appear more human to me and allowed me to better understand her. I enjoy it when instructors give their own personal experience. It gives us a glimpse into their own life and it allows me to connect with them on a different level.

P_RN, ADN, RN · May 24, 2008

I am sorry for your losses. Birth, and death are a part of life. Your manager/supervisor/dean was out of line for even mentioning this to you. You shared a very painful part of your life history, and it was YOURS to share.

I believe your students are richer for it. Until my father passed away I had never been personally touched by death. And I was a 38 year old RN by then. Hold your head up, for you have matured well and have become a Nursing Teacher- a TEACHER, A NURSE.

ERbunny · May 24, 2008

Please accept my condolences on your losses. I commend your courage in sharing this heartbreak with your students.

Many years ago I worked with a woman whose son was brought in to the ED as a traumatic arrest while she was on duty. She was a very private person , and this wound only lightly healed , even many years later. I had so much respect for her ability to cope. Yet sometimes people can be so cruel. She and I attended a seminar on death and dying and the leader (cruelly, I think) , asked if any of us had lost someone close to us. (Haven't we all, how stupid to ask). My friend, usually calm and stoic, started to sob and had to leave the room, no comfort offered by the leader, who was supposedly the know-all of death and dying support.

I think your boss's poor response is typical of how uncomfortable people are when faced with losses such as yours. They would just rather not hear about it, because facing such pain in our own family is so impossible to accept. Thank you for sharing your experience with us and your students, they are lucky to have you.

allnurses Guide · May 24, 2008

I don't really have anything to add, but I am very sorry that you had to lose your two children. And, I definately would have done what you did and shared that experience...

Karynica, RN · May 24, 2008

I wasn't quite sure where to put this, so I tagged it on at the end of the posts.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your help and making me feel that what I had to say was important. I was really hurt by what my supervisor said in the evaluation, but did send the email to her later explaining my feelings. She never said another word about it. Maybe it's her way of letting me know she goofed. I did mention the fact that she did make the remark in class about her fight with breast cancer and how I thought that was important. I did mention too that we were talking about death and dying. Each student had something to add, and it was a really good class. I felt many students were given the chance to share their own stories and that in turn makes us closer. We are human and we do have feelings.

Again, thanks for everyone for your support. I appreciate your words of wisdom here. I don't get around here much, but when I do, I realize you are all so wonderful. Thank all of you for being who you are...real caring people. The world is lucky to have such people like all of you.

:heartbeat:loveya:

imanedrn · May 24, 2008

that instructor was me. I was evaluated by my boss and she stated it was inappropriate for me to discuss the death of my 2 sons. I just mentioned that I had lost one at 6 weeks to SIDS and my other son was 17 and died in a car accident. Boss told me I was wrong in bringing that up in the class.
I was hurt to say the least.

I had an instructor who, at the end of the semester of our Fundamentals class (while we were also talking about death and dying), told us a story about a patient she knew who was being cared for in hospice, her life being lost to AIDS. Long story short, near the end of this patient's life, our instructor had heard several nurses (on different occasions) in the hallway talking about how this patient probably "deserved" it and didn't necessarily deserve the same care as the other patients -- because they were dying of more "deserving" disease processes. At some point, I believe she heard them refer to the patient as a \/\/h0re.

Eventually, our instructor revealed to us that, in addition to these nurses being her friends, this patient was also her daughter.

Needless to say, I don't think any of us left the room without goose bumps and at least half of us were in tears -- myself included.

The moral of her story, of course, was not too judge too quickly...

Relating this back to your situation, I think her personal story really brought the message home to us. Prior to her revealing that the patient was her daughter, we all listened intently, as we'd all come to greatly admire and adore this particular instructor. Her making the story personal, however, really drove the message home. I think it allowed for even the most judgemental individuals to stop and reconsider.

I'm sorry you were reprimanded for sharing your losses, as I imagine they were of great benefit to some of the students. Unfortunately, like in restaurants, people rarely are commended for their good work but, instead, all too quickly hear about their "bad" work.

I commend you for sharing your painful experiences with your students. I hope the opportunity is not completely lost because you were "wrong," according to your boss...