Is Nursing Really for me? I think I hate it...

Glycerine82, LPN · Jan 30, 2013

I am in my last year of nursing and it's not even a full year. I have been so low throughout this journey. I have wanted to commit suicide several times due to school stress and I feel like my life is always a spiral out of control. I can not figure out if it's nursing my life, or everything put together. I have been sort of pushed into nursing by my family growing up but never knew if I would like it. I then went to medical assistant school, then went to community college for nursing... got my CNA.. worked in a nrsing home for a while.. then went to a university and now doing full blown clinicals and going for a BSN. I never truly HATED nursing because I love people and I have a huge heart but... I don't handle stress very well. I was never taught very good coping skills and stress makes me down right ill physically and mentally. All nursing is .. is stress. I don't really like the high school attitudes of most of the nurses I have worked with and it just seems so tedious. I don't know what to do and I am always fighting with myself over money, the career being better outside of school (so it is rumored), people saying there are other options (which I don't know if I would like those either), etc. These thoughts become so overwhelming that I feel like there is no reason for me to live because happiness will never be an option for me. I have no real supports like most people have a family of sorts but I don't really. Emotionally I'm bone dry with the exception of my fiance' which he can only help so much. I just don't know what to do and I am so tired of battling with the reasons why I should and should not. Physically I am tired all of the time and the tiredness makes me dizzy and sometimes I feel like I am going to faint. I have lost weight, dieted, exercised, etc and have been on meds at times for depression and it really didn;t help. I was still conflicted and still hurting. I know I am not the only one that feels this way but there never is a real clear answer. I already feel so alone most nights and nursing is all I really have to be proud of... what can I do?[/quote']
Please go talk to someone life is worth living , you just have to find out what your passion is please, talk to a loved one, a coumcelor, or call 800-273-TALK

nervousnurse, ASN · Jan 30, 2013

Wow, first, I want to send you many, many ((((( hugs )))))!!! I am sorry you

are feeling suicidal, and also very sorry you don't have family---that must be very, very hard!!! You say you've tried anti-depressant meds, but have you also tried counseling, and perhaps seeing a psychiatrist that could try different meds to help you, and/or if you go to a place of worship, would you be willing to speak to someone there? Also, please consider calling the National Suicide Hotline

number: 1-800-273-8255.

I'm saying prayers for you!!!!

Emily Star · Jan 30, 2013

Thank you both but yes I have been to a counselor. She was somewhat helpful but then I lost my insurance so I couldn't go anymore. Even when I was seeing her though I still felt this way. Usually on my breaks I feel refreshed and happy and never really feel this way but every time I go back... I just have such a hard time dealing and I tell myself that it is just this class or this clinical and things will get better but I am afraid they will only get worse when school ends... if school ends... and then if it doesn't live up to my expectation ( which is that I will be happier in the real working world) then I will kill myself because I suffered for nothing.

sandyfeet · Jan 30, 2013

I agree with the other posters...you need to take care of you first. Please don't make any decisions right now. You need to talk to a professional. It's beyond what we can do in an online forum besides encourage you to speak with someone TODAY. It sounds like you are dealing with many different things from many different angles; it would be overwhelming for anyone. Please consider calling the National Suicide Hotline or National Hopeline Network: 1-800-442-HOPE. Kristin Brooks Hope Center - Hopeline.

Emily Star · Jan 30, 2013

I am not much for hotlines. I have tried them and the people seem like they are reading off a script. I think talking to a person on a hotline made me even more depressed before so I am not really for that idea. Some days I feel good but usually that's when I am in my books and I feel that the stress is gone as long as I stay studying but once I am out of that book I feel like a failure and I should be reading. I don't know... : (

Skips, MSN, RN · Jan 30, 2013

Please, please, PLEASE get help. Just saying you want to commit suicide makes me think there's a lot more to it than just nursing.

Sweet charm, ASN, RN · Jan 30, 2013

I am so sorry you're going through this! When I have felt like this I went out and took a walk and tried to think of everything I am grateful for. It may sound corny but it works. Try yoga if you can.

I am not in the position to give medical advice but I really hope things get better for you!

ChristineN, BSN, RN · Jan 30, 2013

I am also so sad to hear you are going through this. Please see if there are some sort of free resources at your student health center. Many schools offer free couseling resources to students. Also, just because you are near finishing a BSN does not mean you need to graduate, especially if it is affecting you like this.

allnurses Guide · Jan 30, 2013

This is really beyond the scope of this board or even what we could do for you as a friend. You need professional help and I urge you to seek it. It is normal for nursing school to be filled with stress and self doubt. It is not normal for it to make you wish you were dead. It can get much, much better but you have to reach out. You did good trying with this board, we just aren't the appropriate resource. I know it is so hard to imagine it can get better and exhausting to think of even trying. Push through enough to get to the right hands to help you.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Jan 30, 2013

One thing to remember too is that all counselors are not created equal. Just as some nurses are better at cardiology or psych or day surgery, counselors have their specialties and aptitudes. Although when you're hurting and feeling like life is spinning out of control, it's hard to get up the energy to fire one and see another, it's something you have to do anyway if the one isn't clicking with you.

Counseling takes time. Six weeks with the MSW isn't going to fix all the problems you describe. As they say, we get into holes slowly, and it takes a long time to get out of them. As a former crazy person I can attest to the real benefits and rewards of pulling it together just enough to keep going in therapy. That's when you find out that there's nothing like feeling better to make you feel better. :) Truly.

There is free counseling available through your school, an area house of worship (even if it's not yours), or the local school of medicine or of psychology. Keep trying to do what you can to help yourself. You can do that. Do not give up on yourself. Whether or not nursing is your final career, a stop along the way, or something you have given your best shot and now are ready to leave behind you, your head will be your head and your heart, your heart for the rest of your life. Take care of them. They're the only ones you're ever going to have.

boggle, ASN, RN · Feb 1, 2013

You have been on a long and EXHAUSTING journey! Each step of your journey has been challenging. That, plus your ongoing sadness makes it understandable that you'ld have trouble seeing the future. So many of us have traveled the same rocky path. Please go to the counseling center at your school, today. (You've already paid for it as part of tuition). You have strengths that have helped you through trials before. Let the professionals help you keep moving forward. My love and prayers are with you.