Emily Star

I am going to say I have looked into school counseling since i have no medical insurance... and it's not going to work due to their policies so I am once again trapped and have no where to turn....

Hello everyone, I am a nursing student and I am in my senior year and half way through but all of a sudden I feel extra overwhelmed. I feel stupid like I don't remember what I learned the previous semester and my studying skills are no longer working for me. I get headaches, nausea, no sleep, eat bad... I never have felt sooo out of my body. I feel vulnerable and I think it is showing to my professors and I am ashamed of it. I want to be a confident nurse but I just feel I can't. I feel like evryone around me knows more than me and I am not prepared to go out in the world and be a nurse. I also have thought of getting my MSN but I feel like I am too dumb to do that. There are certain girls in my program that still act like high schoolers and have no understanding of where I am coming from so they judge me and it makes me feel bad about myself which doesn't help since I've been picked on my whole life. I feel like I will never get the respect I give to people and I feel just so trapped. I keep finding myself wishing I was a child again or even in high school again back to where I felt someone cared and I somehow had a way to manage a little... I also keep telling myself that if I don't get through nursing school I can always kill myself... which I know should not be an option but I feel like it is all that defines me. I owe soo much money so I can't just quit... the girls that make fun of me have their parents paying for everything and they have no idea how stressful it can be if you have to pay all of that back on top of your parents ideals about who they think you should be and... your own individual expectations. What am I to do?.... I just feel so alone and crippled. My thoughts are not connecting well either and I feel like every time I learn something I forget something else. What is this............. how do I get out of it....

I am not much for hotlines. I have tried them and the people seem like they are reading off a script. I think talking to a person on a hotline made me even more depressed before so I am not really for that idea. Some days I feel good but usually that's when I am in my books and I feel that the stress is gone as long as I stay studying but once I am out of that book I feel like a failure and I should be reading. I don't know... : (

Thank you both but yes I have been to a counselor. She was somewhat helpful but then I lost my insurance so I couldn't go anymore. Even when I was seeing her though I still felt this way. Usually on my breaks I feel refreshed and happy and never really feel this way but every time I go back... I just have such a hard time dealing and I tell myself that it is just this class or this clinical and things will get better but I am afraid they will only get worse when school ends... if school ends... and then if it doesn't live up to my expectation ( which is that I will be happier in the real working world) then I will kill myself because I suffered for nothing.

I am in my last year of nursing and it's not even a full year. I have been so low throughout this journey. I have wanted to commit suicide several times due to school stress and I feel like my life is always a spiral out of control. I can not figure out if it's nursing, my life, or everything put together. I have been sort of pushed into nursing by my family growing up but never knew if I would like it. I then went to medical assistant school, then went to community college for nursing... got my CNA.. worked in a nrsing home for a while.. then went to a university and now doing full blown clinicals and going for a BSN. I never truly HATED nursing because I love people and I have a huge heart but... I don't handle stress very well. I was never taught very good coping skills and stress makes me down right ill physically and mentally. All nursing is .. is stress. I don't really like the high school attitudes of most of the nurses I have worked with and it just seems so tedious. I don't know what to do and I am always fighting with myself over money, the career being better outside of school (so it is rumored), people saying there are other options (which I don't know if I would like those either), etc. These thoughts become so overwhelming that I feel like there is no reason for me to live because happiness will never be an option for me. I have no real supports like most people have a family of sorts but I don't really. Emotionally I'm bone dry with the exception of my fiance' which he can only help so much. I just don't know what to do and I am so tired of battling with the reasons why I should and should not. Physically I am tired all of the time and the tiredness makes me dizzy and sometimes I feel like I am going to faint. I have lost weight, dieted, exercised, etc and have been on meds at times for depression and it really didn;t help. I was still conflicted and still hurting. I know I am not the only one that feels this way but there never is a real clear answer. I already feel so alone most nights and nursing is all I really have to be proud of... what can I do?